"He accepts me the way that I am"

Post Reply New Topic

I never knew that "at least have some appreciation for music" was one of my requirements until somebody didn't meet it. I had previously never before met somebody who didn't appreciate music. (The deaf girl I knew didn't count because she simply couldn't hear it. And I assumed that she'd appreciate it if she could hear it.) Everybody I knew appreciated some sort of music- not necessarily what I liked, but something.

I took up with one guy-I have no idea why- who just didn't care for any type of music. I should have seen the red flags. He had no stereo- but neither did some other music fans I knew...they just couldn't afford it (this was before insanely cheap electronics made). He had a clock radio so I just assumed it was set to a music station. Then one day I checked the dial (radios had dials back then) because I was curious what he liked since he never talked about music. It was set to a talk radio station. I asked him point blank what kind of music he liked. He siad, "I don't". This started to bother me. I went on a mission to find somethign he liked. Maybe he liked something that was just flying under my radar as music. Maybe he liked musicals and just didn't want to admit it. But no. Maybe he like store muzak but didn't think that counted. So when we were in a store I hummed along with the muzak and said "I like this song". He didn't like store muzak. Commercial jingles? Not those either.

Eventually we drifted apart and broke up by sheer inertia. I never said, "this relationship can't work because you don't like any music at all even though your ears work". But his lack of liking any music bugged me on some level. It didn't feel like a dealbreaker. But once I'd confirmed it, other little things started to bug me. Things that probably wouldn't have bugged me if I had even heard one little inkling of music appreciation for anything- if he had liked easy listening or commercial jingles I would probably have cut him more slack for the other stuff than I eventually did.

So it turned out that was a dealbreaker. Then I met and married a man who had a large record collection (vinyl...this was long ago) and we have an autistic daughter who can truly carry a tune and has that prodigious memory for song lyrics that sometimes comes with autism. That other boyfriend? He's probably married to a girl who doesn't like music either. He was a perfectly nice guy. Not a jerk. Not even a faux nice guy. A real one. But apparently that was my dealbreaker. I am sure he is a wonderful husband to a woman with no CDs and they have a child who is the only child in the neighborhood who isn't bugging his parents for an ipod.

I think a deal-breaker is a harmful behavior.. I realize that harmful is ambiguous and differs depending on the person...

I think unconditional positive regard leads to selfishness and self-absorption.. Two things I am often guilty of even without someone's blanket acceptance of my behavior. My boyfriend does not positively regard all of my behavior.
This is a grey area that I still have difficulty with, but basically if it is unkind to others or unhealthy, it is not okay. If I am in a weird mood and flapping and pacing around, it is okay, likewise if I do not want to be touched or asked questions at times. If, however, I am condescending to someone by unkindly pointing out their intellectual incapacities, it is not okay. He explains why it is wrong, and I know he doesn't like it. The important thing is that he is not a wimp about telling me when I've behaved inexcusably, and I know he doesn't like what I've done, but he loves me anyway.
Some things I can't or don't want to change, and that's fine. Mostly. Blanket acceptance is not healthy.
If I displayed stimming behavior or sensory sensitivity, it is quite different than being violent or cruel and blaming it on a developmental disorder.

If I were inherently nasty and intentionally rude instead of being tempermental but generally mild mannered, he would not be interested at all. The former personality is abhorrent to both myself and my significant other

I admit I have changed some things, and I agree that it is not in my nature to listen to him ramble about his Gundam collection. It is an acquired tolerance... There isn't any deception involved, because he knows I hate listening to lectures on that subject. I just accept it, like he accepts my library fetish. Not letting me go to the library would be a dealbreaker for me, and not letting him play with his Gundam models would be a dealbreaker for him. However, the fact that I don't want to make models is not a dealbreaker, nor is his mild disinterest in reading a major obstacle for me.

What's wrong with not liking music? From my POV, Marx was completely wrong, it's *music* which is the opium of the people, not religion... it's invasive, attempts to (subconsciously) take control of your mind, directing your emotions. Go watch what people become like during a concert... it's almost like mass hypnosis. Remember what they say about music being able to charm beasts? It's probably the same thing. But my mind and body always fight against that. The more repetitive the music is, the worst. It's as if I'm wired for listening to random, chaotic sounds (usually known as noise) instead of repetitive patterns that follow a rythm (i.e., music by definition).

If I'm focusing in my work, music is distracting. If I'm tired I just get some sleep, why would I want to listen to music instead? The only times I'll listen to any music is when I'm doing some repetitive task that is completely mechanical and requires no concentration whatsoever, but I can't watch TV or read or anything like that because I can't take my sight away from it... or when I'm sick in bed and have too strong a headache with high fever to watch TV or read but not enough to just be asleep all the time, it can be soothing at such times (if it's something like classical music, of course - the least I need is the neighbor parking his car in front with the stereo volume all up and the bass thumping really loudly into my head)... or when I urgently need to brainwash myself (like after having had to endure over an hour of a stupid sales pitch from an AMD representative disguised as a "conference" to which we were forced to assist at work, that's when the techno music an intern used to listen constantly would have come handy to get all that off my mind - I sometimes had to load up a website called justnoise to provide some white noise to counteract that music, but that's another story altogether). I'll also listen to soundtracks from movies or TV shows because they remind me of the scenes associated with them, or to play a sort of "name that tune" game. Or whistling while I walk the dogs, or while in the shower... But just sitting there for an hour listening to some music... that's not me, I'd rather spend that time doing something else I like.

Oh, and my portable radio is tuned to an all-day news station, in case the lights go out and I need to find out what's happening (used to happen a lot a couple of decades ago).

In the end, it's really all a matter of personal taste... like coffee, for example. Possibly there's someone out there for whom not liking to drink coffee would be a dealbreaker too.

Yeah, I would think that most people would feel that way. They aren't going to change another person. It's next to impossible to change someone. That's like me trying to change you, or you trying to change me. Not going to work at all. Their behavior could be modified. It's all with communication.


A few things here...
1. I'll agree with you that both partners must be involved. Even if it means going to therapy/counseling/workshops to help get the skill sets needed to work with each other.

2. The nightclub thing. As I realized, nightclubs/bars aren't a bad thing. I can deal with them. However, if I was with my partner and told her that I felt overstimulated from too much noise, etc., I am hopeful she would be understanding and perhaps consider going to a nightclub that was less noisy. I think it's good that if you wanted to go nightclubbing with your friends, that you do so. I don't see where having the exact same interests in common with one another is key. Quite the opposite. It's great when partners have different interests, so they can be apart from each other a little bit. That's important, because they can make a relationship stronger.


Yeah they have. That's why it takes time first to develop those required areas, and time to get to know each other. Also, why it's not wise to rush into relationships and such.

I would take the 'almost' out. Music (and sound) is a tool that can be used for purposes both wonderful and nefarious.

Truly what we have here is a case of "one man's meat is another man's poison". What you fight so hard against in music is precisely what I embrace. I have been to countless concerts since infancy (my parents have photos of me lying on a blanket listening to outdoor concerts they took me to) and you are absolutely right. It is absolutely mass hypnosis. Giving in to that and feeling the music go into the non-rational part of your brain and all throughout your body is a feeling of pure joy. It is a connection not just to the other people there but to something that goes far beyond people. It can feel like the universe is running right through you. There is a reason religious music exists. When you get enveloped in it, it feels not only like you are praying by listening to or creating it, sometimes it feels like God is answering back. And I'm not all that religious.

So maybe what didn't work between me and that guy, no matter how nice he was (and he was), is that I just couldn't connect on a fundamental level with somebody who wouldn't open himself up to that.

This doesn't mean there is something wrong with not liking music. It means that somebody who can't connect that is wrong for me. Not all people are romantically compatible with all other people, no matter how nice they are. If two people can't connect through something that one of them finds profoundly important, they can't really connect period.

There is nothing inherently wrong with not liking music, but since I've been a musician for most of my life and grown up in a house with lots of good vinyl records, it is hard to for me to think of a life without it. It is a defining part of who I am. If the person I'm in a relationship with has no appreciation of music, that is something I can never share with them, and something I can't identify with, and that is slowly going to kill our relationship. As Janissy said:

Fitting the stereotype of males, I pay more attention to appearance than personality.
So very few things are dealbreakers to me.
Abuse, of course, would piss me off.
But it does not matter much if I do not choose to be in any relationships at all.
What is minor and what is a major character flaw, varies per person.
For me, a person can do any s**t they want, as long as they do not drag me into it.

I cannot really comment on friendships as mine have always been mostly functional.
I do not know if there ever was any connection.
So I have no idea how someone would connect with another person.
I like doing things with my friends, because I know them well and that makes it easy.
That is actually the only thing preventing me from doing those same things with strangers.
I do not know those strangers, I cannot predict what they will do.
Apparently people can connect via music.
How does that work?
Does talking about music or appreciating the same music instantly result in a connection?

When I say that I accept my boyfriend as he is, I mean that I accept that he has certain things that he will always struggle to overcome, and that I will always be in his corner cheering him on. He means the same thing. We are each dedicated to the others' continual growth as a person.

I have very bad anxiety, and sometimes I have panic attacks over the silliest things (like for example we were moving this weekend and I couldn't find something I needed for school - ended up almost hyperventilating). My boyfriend gives me hugs and comforts me during these moments, even though in his head he thinks it's fairly unnecessary to get that upset about things.

Likewise, I have learned to ask him once if he wants to go out with me and my friends, and then let the situation go if he declines. It's a fine line that I have to walk with him to make sure he doesn't stay holed up in the house and get depressed from lack of social interaction, but I am willing to walk it for the rest of my life.

As far as "dealbreakers" go - that's going to be different for everyone and up to each individual to decide. I think that abuse of all kinds should always be a dealbreaker, though. No one deserves to be hurt, let alone by their partner.