What is this "confidence" thing?

Post Reply New Topic

^
Absolutely. The damage done by some un-supportive or abusive parents can be reversed (at least as far as confidence goes). I imagine therapy works if you find the right person, but you can do it by yourself, although it takes a lot of hard work and determination. It can be a rather painful process too, at least in the beginning. Don't expect any over night miracles either.

Confidence has nothing to do with arrogance or praising material and social success. It is just as much about knowing and understanding your limits and failures. It's also about doing a lot of annoying and frustrating things in order to improve your weaknesses and - at least for some very strong people - turn them into strengths.

Just read this topic...

That's more or less how I see it too. Unfortunately I still haven't found that woman... or she hasn't found me.


The problem with that (for me, at least) is that apparently others don't agree and still see me as inferior to them, the arrogant bastards... looks like I fail in the second part of your statement.


That explains a lot. One thing I look for in a woman is that she's supportive, for I certainly didn't get much while I was growing up. No matter how hard I tried, I was told it wasn't enough if I didn't achieve the equivalent of an A+ (around here we use a grading scale from 0 to 20, 10 or less is "fail", and in postgraduate courses you need 14 or more), so much that I was afraid of coming back home whenever I had anything under 16 (something like a C, I guess)... not that it happened often or anything. Other kids finished the year with an average of 14 or so and were happy. And to this day my mother still keeps asking me why I can't be more like this or that cousin of mine... I keep teling her she should feel proud of being MY mother, as I have lots of great qualities, but I've never been appreciated for them, financial success apaprently is the only thing that matters. I got far more appreciation from schoolteachers, really. Support? If I wasn't doing something they had told me to, or they approved of, my parents would have no interest in backing me up and would just wait to see me fail. I remember when I wanted to take a correspondence course to learn to draw cartoons and caricatures, they said it was a waste of money and didn't let me take it. Or photography classes after school. I could only take woodworking class because there was no need to pay for it, whereas you need o pay for the materials used in photography class (not that I don't like woodworking, I do, but I wanted photography too). And now that I've bought a digital camera and carry it around to take pictures of anything that I find interesting, my mother asks why at this age I've developed such childlike manias - for heavens' sakes, I've always been interested in photography, it's just that I couldn't afford buying a decent camera until 10 years ago, and then I couldn't take as many pictures as I wanted because developing the film costs too, but now with digital I don't need to...


Any suggestions on that matter?


I know my limits, for example I won't try anything related to music because I have no sense of rhythm whatsoever; but some other people will insist with such stupid sayings as "where there's a will, there's a way" - I'd like to drop them off a cliff and tell them to try to fly, let's see if their attitude helps them *then*.

Work out what your problems are, then work out how to fix them.

I don't know how old are you/what's your living situation - I can just give you an idea what worked for me. Since I grew up with a very abusive parent and a neglectful one, I move out practically the minute I've turned 18. At the time I was a high-school drop out so I've got a crappy job and lived very rough for a while. Independence and distance from toxic behaviour made me realise I didn't have to live like that any more (it felt better to have little to eat and not being hit or abused) and in time I went back to school and ended up getting a PhD. I gave up any form of material comfort for many years, but the smallest progress made me feel better about myself. Although I went back to school mostly to prove myself and my parents that I can do it, I slowly started to realise that despite everything I was told as a child and teenager I could do a lot of things much better than others - so I concentrated on them, trying to get better. I'm still a perfectionist and ask a lot from myself and others, but at least now I understand the worth of what I can do. It's been a long time and I've come a long way, but sure, the scars are still there - I've never obtained the acceptance and recognition that I wanted from my parents - I've just learned to live without it. My self esteem is not related any more to what others think of me. Basically it's a process of knowing and accepting yourself for what you are - good and bad. "True" confidence has nothing to do with acting cocky and bossing others around or bullying them - it comes from self esteem. This will also make people like you more - after all, if you can't like and accept yourself why would you expect others to do it?

In a way, everything is possible, but only within your potential - start with your talents and inclinations. When it comes to limits you should focus on what you can change. For example, I have very little patience. Years of self discipline and "exercise" (like concentrating on a tedious task a little longer every day and not letting myself get away with a quick and sloppy job) paid off - some of my friends think I have the patience "of an old Chinese man".

I'm not sure if this helps you. The beginning can be very difficult and you'll have to face all your fears and failures but it's worth it. You deserve to be at peace with yourself.

Well, you've had it tougher than I did, I've only had to deal with lack of support and verbal abuse (which I won't take from ANYONE, no matter what). Thanks for the input. As for my situation... I'm an electronics engineer, recently turned 42, living at the family home (or should I say "my" home, for them it's just "the house", not a "home"), still single (for reasons I honestly don't get) and unemployed since last December (the company where I had been working took a turn for the worse and I decided to leave before it became even worse... and from what I've heard since then, it did, so I don't regret it at all), currently taking a class and about to spend the very last remains of my savings, but I think it will pay off...

The latter is easy. As for the former... I don't see the problems, it's as if the problem is what other people are like. I constantly try to do my best and am afraid of not being able to satisfy the expectations of others (but I often overestimate them, and I keep forgetting that), so I demand a lot of myself, that's not it. I consider myself very good at what I do, however; the problem is that I keep getting jobs which I can perform (and others can't), but are not part of my career, and that wouldn't be a problem if I had the time to pursue my career goals on my own, but unfortunately so far that's not been the case. And since I currently don't have to maintain others, there's really no reason to stay on such a job once my health starts to become compromised.