Rant. Ugh.

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Erisad
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23 Jun 2011, 3:03 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

Erisad has a way with words.

Yes I do.

Janissy
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23 Jun 2011, 3:05 pm

Jonsi wrote:

Eh, yeah. I'm probably gonna talk to her tomorrow. I'm one of those people who lose sight of things and get blinded by emotion. Looking back, I think it would be better to at least talk to her. I've already answered her phone call and told her we'll talk tomorrow after exams. I'm using the time to get my head back together.

She's not the only one who should be apologizing here though. She'll be getting one from me after a long talk about some things.

Thank God I'm nineteen and have a lot of time to fix my leap before I look problem. :\

Thanks to you all for the input and advice. I believe it helped.

You are both 19 and have a lot of time to fix problems. Right now it looks like you and her are at a crossroads. Some people are telling you to just walk away, she's a lost cause. I'm with the people who are telling you to talk to her. Hearing things from your point of view can help her grow as a person. If she is willing to accept the challenge of learning from this mistake (by first learning that it was in fact a mistake...and why) she grows as a person. And so do you, for taking on the teaching role. Forgiving and then teaching is the harder path, but I hope you won't be turned away from it, if she is willing to learn from you.

JohnOldman
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23 Jun 2011, 3:47 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

OK, she laughed. "Cruelty"? Not sure. We also have absolutely no idea that this kid is autistic, right?

Jonsi wrote:

after a long silence she attempts to ask me what was wrong. I told her I wanted to help him. Becoming instantly unnattractive, she says that he was just some crazy autistic kid.

I introduced the word "cruelty" to the discussion. People who laugh at someone and call them "just some crazy X" are disregarding the struggle for dignity. Whether deliberately or out of ignorance or stupidity, they see someone who is low, and it gives them pleasure. Consequently, in my opinion, they stand in the way of those who are vulnerable in their daily attempts at maintaining what dignity they have. And depriving someone of dignity is cruel.

hyperlexian
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23 Jun 2011, 3:55 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

Huh? I'm not sure we're disagreeing. I'm just not as ready as you are to jump to certain conclusions. OK, she laughed. "Cruelty"? Not sure. We also have absolutely no idea that this kid is autistic, right? We're all just assuming that the poor little guy has LFA based on the OP's description. Maybe he was just a really poorly behaved kid ... I have no idea. I'm not saying the girl's reaction would have been acceptable in that case, but I'm certainly not ready to say "obviously disabled person" based on one tantrum(!) Lots of kids have meltdowns in the video section of Wal-Mart, right? And all of this leads to "an abusive personality"? All I know for sure is that she's a teenager who seems like she wants to apologize for doing something really stupid. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt this time? If she does it again, the OP can cut her off then.

no, the girl herself assumed it, and still laughed:

Jonsi wrote:

Becoming instantly unnattractive, she says that he was just some crazy autistic kid.

*****

not directed at you, RainingRoses, but in general: the girl also knew that laughing at the boy was not an acceptable response, which was why she pulled Jonsi aside and laughed privately. it wasn't a mistake. she was aware it would not be a good thing, did it anyways, and hoped for agreement from him. when she didn't get that validation and he turned his back on her, she became upset. if she changes her behaviour in future, it would be because it upset him... not because it was the wrong thing to do. i see a distinction there.

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JohnOldman
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23 Jun 2011, 3:55 pm

What's more, I don't imagine that this event in the young woman's life is one that will suddenly instill an appreciation for the importance of dignity.

hyperlexian
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23 Jun 2011, 3:58 pm

JohnOldman wrote:

RainingRoses wrote:

OK, she laughed. "Cruelty"? Not sure. We also have absolutely no idea that this kid is autistic, right?

Jonsi wrote:

after a long silence she attempts to ask me what was wrong. I told her I wanted to help him. Becoming instantly unnattractive, she says that he was just some crazy autistic kid.

hahaha i dug out the same set set of quotes!

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RainingRoses
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23 Jun 2011, 4:33 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

not directed at you, RainingRoses, but in general: the girl also knew that laughing at the boy was not an acceptable response, which was why she pulled Jonsi aside and laughed privately. it wasn't a mistake. she was aware it would not be a good thing, did it anyways, and hoped for agreement from him. when she didn't get that validation and he turned his back on her, she became upset. if she changes her behaviour in future, it would be because it upset him... not because it was the wrong thing to do. i see a distinction there.

You're right ... we're obviously not debating whether what this girl did was a mistake or a nice thing to do. I'm simply more inclined to believe that loads of people laugh at what they don't understand and actually have a tremendous capacity to learn and grow. If you folks are certain, from the few details we have, that this 19-year-old girl is irredeemably cruel, then of course Jonsi shouldn't even bother hearing a manipulative "apology" -- he should just move on.

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hale_bopp
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23 Jun 2011, 4:47 pm

People like that aren't good enough to be friends. You did the right thing. You need to weed scum like that out of your life if you want it to be enriching.

Magnus_Rex
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23 Jun 2011, 7:22 pm

And I thought I were antisocial...

Am I that gullible for thinking the girl deserves a chance? If she were such a cruel bully, she would have laughed in the supposedly autistic kid's face. Sure, her attitude wasn't nice, but it wasn't such an unforgivable act. Everyone is flawed in some way. Get over it.
In fact, most users posting here on L&D are too flawed to get a date. If you expect someone to forgive your flaws to discover your qualities, you should try doing the same.

Also, judging by the way she keeps trying to contact him, she is feeling bad about what happened. Either that, or she wants to verbally abuse him before dumping him, although since he already dumped her, that seems unlikely.

Postures
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23 Jun 2011, 7:29 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

I agree with you.

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JohnOldman
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23 Jun 2011, 8:45 pm

RainingRoses wrote:

If you folks are certain, from the few details we have, that this 19-year-old girl is irredeemably cruel, then of course Jonsi shouldn't even bother hearing a manipulative "apology" -- he should just move on.

Of course it would be ridiculous to claim that we have certainty here... we've got an anecdote and we're exchanging opinions, that's all.

The only case in which the girl would be irredeemable is if she were a sociopath, or otherwise entirely without morality.

However, I suspect that her impulse to apologize has more to do with her friend's hurt feelings and an apparently broken relationship bond, than with any regret about her attitude. My guess is that she wants to make up for hurting the original poster, and clarify that she didn't mean to ridicule him. But, if it were me, she would have to show a new found respect for the LFA who was having the meltdown, before I would resume the relationship unchanged.

JohnOldman
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23 Jun 2011, 10:01 pm

Here's a thought... those of us who start out on this thread on an intensely negative tack are undergoing the same emotional cycle as the original poster. At first horror and fury. Some of us outdoing the OP in seething wrath. Then most don't return, leaving the impression that we are some sort of lynch mob.

Of course it doesn't help that we aren't seeing a friend, just reading about a faceless bigot.

But then, seeing our friends is a typical autistic difficulty, isn't it?

Last edited by JohnOldman on 23 Jun 2011, 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ValentineWiggin
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23 Jun 2011, 10:03 pm

Magnus_Rex wrote:

Shouldn't you try to enlighten her before cutting your ties? From what you posted, it looks like you didn't even try to explain her about LFA and HFA. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't leave without trying to put some sense in her head.

LFA..HFA...Down Syndrome, Tourrettes...the point is, who the hell wants to be with someone who laughs at people with disorders resulting in behavioral differences?
There's nothing to "enlighten" her about. "You're a f*cking @sshole" is the only appropriate thing that comes to my mind.

Yeah, no. It's not redeemable. It's not "explainable". It's the hallmark of a disgusting person.

"Oh, let her explain to you why she thinks Autistic people are fun to laugh at." '
I must be missing something. This isn't a factual ignorance at play- it's a lack of basic decency.

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jrjones9933
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23 Jun 2011, 10:14 pm

So, OP, you have a selection of responses. I'd suggest you comment stalk some posters from each camp and see who complains more about loneliness and hopelessness.

Just sayin'.

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hyperlexian
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23 Jun 2011, 10:16 pm

jrjones9933 wrote:

So, OP, you have a selection of responses. I'd suggest you comment stalk some posters from each camp and see who complains more about loneliness and hopelessness.

Just sayin'.

interesting. i think it is a mixed bag.

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DW_a_mom
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23 Jun 2011, 10:25 pm

K-R-X wrote:

RainingRoses wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

How can anyone entertain the idea of building relationships while never allowing for people to error, grow, and change? It becomes a method of self selection, of making sure no one will ever meet the standard and, thus, an actual relationship never have to be dealt with. Don't listen to it.

Take this situation as an opportunity to practice the necessary social skill of moving past a difficult situation and warranted anger, into forgiveness and understanding. It is something one can never practice enough, and a skill essential to your future relationships.

This is some seriously good advice, friends. And we ignore it at our own peril. Everyone loses when we "punch people in the face." Mostly the person doing the punching. As I said earlier, it's been pretty rare when I've been long-term satisfied with my decision to burn bridges with someone. There's been a lot of regret along the lines of, "why didn't I just give that person a chance to make amends? I'd have a friend today if I had."

And I'm the opposite. I could have avoided an abusive marrage if I hadn't forgiven so easily those first signs of trouble.

That is the complication, of course, and I am not going to discount it in any way. Real abuse is usually too subtle to accurately discuss in a "don't fall for this" type of way; my suggestion there is that when you feel yourself changing, really doubting yourself, in situations that should have been clear ... maybe there is a problem. Relationships should make a person stronger and more independent, not weaker and more dependent.

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