How to discuss sex once in a relationship

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It is assumed. In your case it was a false assumption. But overwhelmingly, it is assumed. Not only that, but usually a certain time frame is assumed by the majority of NTs. And for aspies who either take longer to feel comfortable with someone new, or have issues regarding sex, that time may not be enough.

I don't know. I've never dated an Aspie guy and I don't think I ever met one in real life.

If someone has issues and needs more time, that's ok. Women are taught to always have the right to say no and to wait until they're ready, and it's completely fair the same rights should be given to men.

But I don't think I (or mv, or any other woman) should made to feel bad because she wants to have a sexual relationship. I mean, I do think sexual compatibility is important in a relationship (as well as some other things), and I do think everybody has a right to choose a compatible partner. No need to pretend here.

But then again, like I said, I've never met a man (or a woman, for that matter) who don't want to have sex in a relationship. The issue of when, where, under what conditions and with who is another matter and that varies. But the general idea is that sex is part of a relationship, at least in some point.

But there's your conflict. Women tend to take their potential mate's attraction to them far more personally than men. So for a lot of women, when a guy they're dating isn't attracted to them in what they consider a "reasonable" time frame, it makes them feel bad. I think by adulthood, men are far more prepared by experience and societal expectations to wait for sex even after they've decided that they want it than women are.

I don't even know, because I've never been in a relationship.

Yes, well, that's true. If a guy didn't even hint he liked me "that way", I assumed he wasn't interested in me and moved on. ( = established a friendship). But in my experience (and this is just ME - I know other women have different experiences), men rarely wanted to be my friends for some reason (well, same goes for women, so there you go). I mostly felt invisible around men. And if I had some sort of a contact with a guy and he didn't make it clear he was interested in me, I just assumed he didn't like me that way. Which was always true. I've never been in a situation where a guy liked me and didn't manage to make his interest shown. (And I need things to be spelled out for me). Still, when a guy wasn't interested, that was obvious even to me.

So I guess I just never met an Aspie guy or a guy who's shy to make his intentions known?

Biologically men are very sexual. Most are subconsciously scanning the room all the time for potential mates. Who is single, who is my age, who is attractive, that sort of thing. Girlfriends hate it. It's biological.

If you two are connecting, talking a lot, it's usually an "interest." Chances are if he hasn't ruled you out, then you're in.

The shy guy takes a little longer to work up the confidence. If the interaction is there, and affirming, he will have the confidence to express his feelings.

Hahahaha! I do this, too.

As the opposite of women? Please.

Don't get me started an this whole sexual essentialist crap. I know anthropology and I could talk for hours about the cultural determination and the role of nurture. The fact men and women behave differently is mainly ruled by cultural determination and not biology.

Also, you need to know there were cultures (such as Ancient Greece) that considered women, and not men, to have much stronger sexual urges. That it's natural for women to be "sex crazed" and often incapable of thinking straight because of their strong urges.

Thank you for this. If I have to hear that "men are blah blah blah, therefore we should be coddled and excused and celebrated" one more time I'm going to tear my hair out. Okay, so that sounded mean. We're all people, we're all subject to foibles and drives and what-have-you, but I get tired of excuses when we're the only animals on this planet with conscious free will.

P.S. I saw what you wrote in the other thread after I commented on Cleopatra and her dearth of distinct ancestors, and I wanted to tell you that I agree. I have been fortunate enough to study and consider that culture within context (I love anthropology). Genetically, though, those practices can be a huge roll of the dice. Genes don't care about culture. I think they (her lineage) got lucky there.

Sorry for threadjack!

I remember that thread but I'm not sure which one it is. Anyway, yes, of course biology and nature play a huge part. Genes are important. In the case of Ancient Egyptians and other cultures practicing incest, it's not that the incest itself is dangerous, but there's a high risk factor of getting a disease or a condition if it runs in your family. If it runs in your family but not in your partner's, there's less chance that the offspring is affected. If both parents are from the same family line, there's a greater risk factor, but it doesn't mean that the offspring must be affected. It's all down to a chance, but a chance most cultures aren't willing to make.

When it comes to things such as sexuality and human behaviour, however, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to determine which part if biological and which part is cultural. Of course biology plays a certain role, but it's always shadowed by culture. Always. Cultural determination and not biology makes us behave the way we do (for example, when it comes to following gender norms).

I hope SoftlyStepping won't take this as a personal attack, because it's not really directed towards him. I just dislike when people say stuff like "men are sexual" or imply that women aren't interested in sex (or whatever) by nature.

It's like trying to deny one part of me as a female and as a human being, telling me it's "unnatural" for me to feel the way I do just because I'm a female. Or worse, that there's something "wrong" about me for being a sexual person AND a woman.

(And when I say "I", I don't mean on me personally, but all women in the world).

well i dont know how they can expect that, when at that point the guy barely even knows you. i wouldnt want some creepy guy coming on to me sexually by the 2nd date, that's basically a stranger.

I think he means the more general, subtle kinds of sexual interest, a sort of "placeholder" for true intimate touch that may happen at a much later time. Things like a quick touch on the shoulder, longer-than-average eye contact, a brush of the hands. You know, all the stuff "we" (Aspies) suck at. Not overt slobbering or moves or anything. Just not friend-to-friend interaction. Going "one louder" than that.

Like I said before, this isn't about what chronological point in which to do it, it's about what to do if a partner is not on the same wavelength as you in regards to sex.

It depends on what "the same wavelength" means. People should be open for compromises. It's silly to discard a perfectly good relationship just because she prefers the doggy style more than the missionary.

However, like I said, sex is an important aspect of a relationship so partners shouldn't be complete opposites here. This goes for the both sides of the extreme: asexual/doesn't want any sexual contact to all the various and unorthodox sexual preferences (such as BDSM or whatever that general population isn't into).

So you have to ask yourself if there's anything of the sorts as an "absolute requirement" and if you could live if a partner is different than you. I always say it's important to find a compromise. And if you think your sexual preferences are so peculiar, try dating via specialized sites for that sort of things.

If you don't think you have these peculiar requirements, I can hardly imagine a situation in which a compromise isn't possible.

We could have a coup where we made this the signature of every WP member for a month, and they'd still ignore it. Bonobos!! !!

I am worried that if I end a relationship upon finding out that she and I are sexually incompatible, she will be thinking things like:

"He didn't love me for me"

"He used me"

"Men are pigs"