I'd rather be alone than settle

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I was writing my response as you were writing yours. No where in your post did you say that there needed to be a mutual understanding between both parties.

If the fling is indeed mutual then fine. However I still don't think that anyone would be too thrilled to be used as practice, but hey maybe they too will be using the other person as practice so its all good.

I've been there and no, it's not fun even if you want something casual. Just because I don't want a long term relationship and I'm ok with casual intimacy doesn't mean I don't want to be wanted.

Sure, our arrangement is not serious, and I'm ok with it, but I want you to want ME and to be interested in casual stuff with ME. I don't want to serve as a practice doll you use to get some experience for the girls you find more attractive and really worthy of your attention

i held my tongue, thanks for saying this.

Not at all, you've completely got the wrong end of the stick. I wasn't saying that the OP should sexually exploit or use anyone for his own gain. I'm saying he should engage with many different types of girls so he builds his experience up. In other words, he should be open to every opportunity and not reject girls simply because they don't meet his preference. If both parties have a mutual agreement and no emotional commitment is made, nobody is hurt or used.

Wolfheart, I hear you, but the thing is, nobody wants to be anybody's second choise, let alone a last resort.

I can see some honest situations in this manner (two lonely people, for example, who just happen to be here, or two bored people (this happens A LOT), or even a mutual mercy f...k). But I do think that generally, people want to be wanted and not many are happy with a casual arrangement of this kind.

But these things do happen. I know that some people are ready for a compromise, especially if their self esteem is low. You say, ok, (s)he doesn't want to date me, but at least (s)he wants me for these activities. Or, worse, (s)he is out of my league so I better accept this because I don't deserve more with this person, since I'm not good enough.

Yes but let's face the truth, the OP isn't likely to ever find this perfect girl that he has built in his mind and is most likely going to use that as an excuse to be alone, if he doesn't engage other girls, he will end up alone and underdeveloped when it comes to relationships and sexual experience. I'm saying he should give other girls a chance because for all we know, a casual arrangement or friendship with one of these girls may turn into a serious relationship or emotional commitment. Casual dating and testing the water can be good for both parties, I think casual arrangements are healthier in general. If both people tested their compatibility before becoming emotionally involved or attached, it would spare alot of heartache and probably lower the divorce rate.

^^ This.

I am with the concept that you should at least try to get what you are able to get and not the ideal that you're dreaming of.

Right now, the OP has three choices.

Choice 1. Dream of finding the perfect relationship with the perfect girl and remain happily ever after in some fairy tale bubble of naivety which doesn't exist.
Choice 2. Remain celibate forever.
Choice 3. Come back down to reality and realize sexual relationships that aren't based on Disney fairy tales happen all the time. Play the dating field, get experience, maybe end up heartbroken and rejected, learn from those mistakes and develop. Date a variety of women until you filter it down to finding the right one you are compatible with in terms of sexual desires, living together and mutual goals.

I agree. Being alone is better than settling. Why be with someone you don't even like that much just to say you have someone? I refuse to do that. I would rather be alone and have options open instead of not being available and being with someone I don't like.

But there's a difference between honestly engaging other girls to see if he's compatible with them (honest socializing) and engaging girls he see as inferior/not worthy enough.

As long as he thinks some people aren't worthy enough (especially based on shallow criteria such as a girl's popularity) he won't be able to find a compatible girl, imo. Because the way he wants to do this simply doesn't work. But if he'd either have his fantasy or be alone, it's his choice.

I really don’t understand the point of this post. I suppose the OP was just venting about not liking people in his life telling him to settle. Unless I misread it, I don’t see him asking for any advice. So you don’t want to settle don’t settle, that is easy enough.

In my opinion, not that you asked for it, but since you put this out there, you will probably end up alone. The tone of the post is incredibly unappealing and arrogant sounding. I find it hard to believe that a “preppy” 9 or 10 is going to give you the time of day. Who knows stranger things have happened I suppose.

The only reason I responded to this post is because of this:

Wolfhart wrote:

Lowering your standards isn't a terrible idea actually, you could have casual flings with less attractive girls to practice for the prettier ones. It could be a good way to build your confidence, comfort and improve your experience with the opposite sex.


Although you have since stated that the using the word “casual” meant that both parties should have a mutual understanding that it is only a casual arrangement so neither of them becomes emotionally attached, that is not what you said in the original response
.
Also do you think that suggesting practicing with less attractive girls so that he is prepared for the prettier ones was really the best thing to say?

Now later you say that you were advising him to lower his standards and date women based on “compatibility and connectivity.” Ummm how does that correlate to having sex with less attractive women to practice for the pretty chics?

Wolfhart wrote:

I'm saying he should engage with many different types of girls so he builds his experience up. In other words, he should be open to every opportunity and not reject girls simply because they don't meet his preference. If both parties have a mutual agreement and no emotional commitment is made, nobody is hurt or used.


No what you said was basically date less attractive chics for practice. Maybe that is not what you meant but that is what you said.

Even adding “Don’t be naive, bro, most girls have likely been around a bit and will expect you take the initiate and escalate, even the holier than thou girls I've met have been around a little.”

So what was this supposed to mean? That most girls are easy so he should practice his skills on the willing unattractive women so he can be prepared to initiate sex with the prettier ones?

I think you really have no idea how your initial response sounded. This is how it sounded:

“Bang the less attractive woman; get some skills so that you can impress the pretty ones. Most girls have likely been around (I suppose these means slept around) and will expect you to be good in bed. “

Nowhere in any of this is there talk of "connectivity and compatibility."

In the beginning, all relationships are new and no one knows where they will end up. I suppose some people start with a specific agenda such as “I want a casual lay, do you?’ But that is not what most women want. It is fine to date..get to know someone and see where it goes. It is not okay to look at people who do not meet one’s standards as practice for the real thing.

So if you are telling the OP that he needs to adjust his standards in order to give someone who he may not have thought that he would have been interested in a chance, because he just may be pleasantly surprised, that may not be bad advice. But that is not what was said.

It doesn’t really matter because the OP is not going to do that, he apparently was just venting about not settling for anything less than a beauty queen with a High IQ. They probably exist. Guess who they more than likely want to date?

^^^awesome post is awesome

I'm saying the OP should lower his standards and keep his options open instead of using this ideal girl scenario as a cop out or excuse, he needs to play the dating field and build sexual and relationship experience. I'm saying he needs to know how to reciprocate, take the initiative and escalate and he won't know how to do that until he plays the dating field. Women also like a man that is desirable and has the confidence to take the initiative, it's about creating value and not coming off as desperate or clingy, an attractive girl has many guys chase and pursue her, they want a challenge, they don't like something that falls into their hands. For an example, I'll post an instant messaging conversation I'm having with a so called preppy girl.



As you can see she was testing me by saying she should go because she wanted me to act needy, she wants validation but if I had played into her hands and acted insecure and needy, she wouldn't have found it attractive, it's about having value and respect in yourself and right now, the OP needs to play the dating field to boost his confidence. It's about reciprocating and responding in the correct way at the correct time to create an emotional response and this is something that the OP needs to learn. I'm saying instead of dreaming of the perfect girl, he should date different women and find out what is best for him, that way, he will have the chance to be more selective when it comes to settling down.

If you really feel the way you feel then I think staying alone for life is the best option.

I don't really like people either and people can be pretty cruel to you at times. Not everyone was meant to be in a relationship in life and sometimes staying alone is better than settling for someone you don't really like.

do you love her?

Im sorry but Ive done a more direct approach and Im quite certain that isnt the reason why things ended.

First one started being unstable(one moment close friends next I hate you dont ask me why) and I moved to another country/I met her at a party and we started getting to know each other and setting up a date, eventually I found out I was her third choice(she had approached two guys in the same month) and Im not going to give a girl that has me as a third choice a chance since she may drop me as soon as anything better comes along.

However in both occasions I made my interest clear from the first moment and according to them thats one of the things they liked.