Trust after abuse

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I think it is wrong to generalize every potential love interest simply because you have had negative experiences. Let's face it, there are plenty of good people with honorable intentions out there, you just got a few bad apples so you shouldn't give up on trying to find true love. It is sad when people become bitter or jaded towards finding love but I can understand how you have lost faith after experiencing pain and abuse.

yes thats what the therapists said.

however there is clearly something wrong with me or people would not get so cross/hateful toward me, Im clearly either annoying them very much or picking very badly, either way I am not aware enough of my actions or their actions to choose differently or behave differently toward them. So its happier all round if I 'bow out' of a game Im not good at. I dont want to be hurt again, i dont want men to be hurt again, i dont want children to be hurt again.

Im not able to do things differently so its better to not do them at all. I tried very hard on my last relationship and nothing made it better, im not able to make people happy, better to stay away from people.

I think in a way, you hit the nail on the head. To be ready for and hopefully be successful in a relationship- you first need to be HAPPY. Happy alone, happy with yourself, know yourself and love yourself; hey, look through all your baggage- deal with it, remember the things you should, such as lessons learned, etc. and then pack all that baggage up and tie balloons to it and let it float away into the sky.

Be happy with yourself and the life you've made for yourself. Get counseling if need be. Have friends. Don't look for anyone, just wait. And once you're truly happy with YOU, then you'll be ready for someone to come into your life and share it. Abuse has a way of taking one's personhood away, and you have to revive and rekindle your relationship with yourself.

Tea I don't think your cold, your just honest and have the guts to say what others wish they could. No flowery pretentious facade. You know exactly where you stand with a person like that. Life is not peaches and creme and nor should everyone be expected to be likewise.

I'm sorry you suffered so much. Just give yourself sometime to get your power back.

I don't think it will be long until you find someone worthy(or they find you ), who is strong enough and willing to support you as you heal.

Well, personally I'm never going to improve as a human being until I get out of this area. It's time for me to make a transition to the next phase, and as long as I'm still around the same people and things that reinforce who I am now, nothing will change. Maybe this has nothing to do with abuse, but perhaps you can draw a parallel. I need to get away from internet, parents, current "friends" and be in an environment where I have to get in a habit of taking care of myself. My own food, exercise on my own time, life on my own terms. So whatever it is you need to get away from, maybe you can make a list. If it was easy, we would all be pooping rainbows and eating unicorns...or however the saying goes.

I hope I helped a little.

maybe try being with people you can trust, friends family etc then maybe that will allow you to trust potential partners? I don't know, i'm guessing there are all sorts of causes of lack of trust.

Is it something you could discuss with the person in question? Most people are understanding

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I didn't.

Instead, I learned to watch out for abusive personalities, and avoid them whenever possible. Then I learned that the people I was avoiding shared most or all of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. According to the DSM (4th Ed., Rev. DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions - including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions - to abandonment, whether real or perceived
  
• A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
  
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  
• Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations - such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans - from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face (like that of an Aspie) and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

Trust? Like respect, it must be earned.

I'm fully prepared to be alone. I don't know what gave you the idea I wasn't.

In that case, that might be the best option for you. If it's too painful, don't take the risk. You can always change your mind in decades to come anyroad.

That's one of the absolute worst reasons to be alone, Tequila. Honestly, the only reason I'm considering a relationship now is because someone popped up that seems likely to mesh well with me. Otherwise, I'm content with being alone. It may be hard at times, but there's a lot of ups to it as well.

Not if the likelihood of meeting another scrote is a near certainty.

Thanks. I do this but it's hard sometimes to step back and see a situation/person for what it is. This is one of the things I'm having a hard time trusting... my ability to assess properly.

Who said it was a near certainty?

No-one did. If, however, one has met a succession of scumbags (and nothing else) then one may well decide to give it all a miss for their safety, security and peace of mind.

That's not the case for me. I know there are non-abusive people out there, and I'm not willing to believe all I can manage to get are the scumbags.