Needy men

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This part sounds exactly like my ex with NPD.
I can't count how many tantarums he threw because I said I didn't want to go to bed when he asked me (since I am an insomniac). Fights over that alone went until 4am in the morning when I started work at 6am the next day.

Someone who understands.


From my experience needy people are abusive. I know not all of them are and all of us are a little bit needy at times, especially if we are depressed or upset or sad. My husband was never abusive. He was just over affectionate. one of my online friends had to put a restraining order on a needy woman because she was stalking him and wouldn't let him get off the computer and she expected him to be online every night or whenever she was on and she be upset by it when he wouldn't be. Then she be stalking him. He actually had someone show up at her door step giving her the restraining order against him. That was the last when he heard from her.


I just still don't see how there is nothing wrong with being needy. It's all bad and nothing good about it. Being it sometimes is fine because it's not all the time. Even this article has control freak written in it and red flags for future abuse:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/141 ... our_guy_is

Of course that article is written by someone's opinion.

That's rather harsh, don't you think? I'm needy but that doesn't mean I follow people or call them all the time. I certainly don't check peoples' phones.

That article describes a freak!

There is a difference between needs, obsessive needs, and pathological needs.

Don't lump all needs in the same negative category please.

There is a huge difference between having needs and being needy. Everyone has needs. You are needy when your needs to advantages ratio dips below a certain level.

We do like to be needed. We do like to be the most important thing in a man's life. We do not like to be his only source of any entertainment or amusement. We do not like to feel that we have to take care of him in certain ways. (I use we in a broad sense, but I know I'm not speaking for every girl out there)

Needy men just seem weak. There is a certain desperation about it thats a turnoff. Why it's desperation when a guy is needy and not when a girl is, is beyond me, but that's just how it is.

By needy I don't mean needing us to come clean your apartment before your parents visit, or tell you how to do the laundry or come take care of you when you're sick. I mean constantly whining when we aren't with you or when we aren't doing exactly what you want us to do. Always wanting to be right up under us all the time so nobody can even breathe.

I want a man who is strong. One who does have feelings and occasionally shows weakness is fine, but it depends on the situation. A guy who gets upset when someone dies, or when his team loses or even cries when he watches "Brian's Song" is fine. That's normal. A guy who gets upset because you don't want to hear him b***h about how somebody was mean to him at work is not normal, IMO. I know that to me, I want a man who can actually take care of me in the old fashioned sense, even if I choose to have my own career and am a strong woman, which I am although I am a housewife by choice. I want to know that when the sh*t hits the fan, he will be there to take care of things, or even just have my back while I take care of them.

Most women aren't attracted to men with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. That's what neediness is seen as.

I don't think I'd be able to respect any woman as needy. Talk about double standards.

I think it depends on the personalities involved - as well as the level of reciprocity, the type of neediness and most important, where it is coming from and why.

A girl who themselves is not needy at all in the negative sense of the word, is going to find it a huge turnoff and avoid it at all costs.
Girls who themselves are more inclined to be needy will probably be ok with a guy who is as needy as they are - the level of reciprocity can make it work for them.

Type plays an important part - there is the point at which it is pathological (the type League girl and I were talking about, where it is detrimental to your wellbeing and to your life), and the point at which it is harmless.

Perhaps most importantly is where it is coming from.
Many people who are needy, it stems from no or a lack of confidence, low self worth, insecurity, fear, jealously, obligation, need and a desire or attempt to control the situation and those negative feelings. through being needy and demanding. Of course, trying to control it for those reasons will never work, because it comes from internally and no amount of externally trying to control it will make up for that if you don't have it internally. (negative)
For others, they may not be needy, but they may be very close to each other - they have some confidence and self esteem, because they want to be, because it is a choice for them, it's instinctive and because it seems natural as they have so much certainty, trust and security about themselves, their partner and the situation therefore they do not feel the need to attempt to control it. In this situation the closeness may be seen by others to be "needy" but because there is no attempt to control what so ever, it's something else entirely. (positive)

Generally everyone has one that is predominant over the other. If two people have opposite places where it is coming from, naturally that will cause problems. Of course, if one has a pathological type and the other a harmless type that will also cause problems. And if the level of reciprocity is not equal, then that will also cause problems. So it means people have two choices: attempt to find someone who is the same as them, so it can work - or make a choice to work on themselves for their own well being so that they feel better about themselves and address all fo those internal factors.

Last edited by Kjas on 26 Oct 2012, 9:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There are different types of needy.
The one you and I have experienced is the pathological type, where it is abusive, determinantal to our wellbeing and adversely impacts our lives.
The is another type where it is present but is much, much less in terms of intensity and quantity, where it is mostly harmless.

The person you described is certainly abusive.

Wait, what? No, I never said your post was offensive. I said I understand where they're coming from, and I understand where you're coming from too. I've experienced the same kind of things they're describing, and I've seen it many times.

I can also relate to your husband's situation. it's like being on ecstasy all the time. There's no such thing as too much physical affection to me. But I've learned to cut back a bit, cuz it was pissing off my girlfriend.

I didn't mean you found my post offensive, I meant others here did. Is your girlfriend aspie too?

if only I was more physically strong, i would love to walk into a bar and instigate a fight to take out my anger, frustration for my failures with women

Oh, my bad then.

No, not as far as I can tell.

Get more strong then. Then women will like you. It's pretty surefire. Squatz and oatz.

I'm so unneedy I never had a girlfriend ever. I got no idea really what a romantic relationship would entail.

I had a female friend who I liked who I'd text too much, though. So maybe I am needy. So since I'm needy I shouldn't be in a relationship, right? Who knows. So I've taken the route of not pursuing any at all really, as I'm not perfect and must reach perfection.

yeah its gonna take a lot of time

Re-evaluate yourself if you think taking out your anger in fits of rage on other human beings is attractive to women.

Similar situations, so I can relate. Ex husband and ex boyfriend were both needy types, though they would gone off on anyone that suggested that. Neither one of them could remember to do anything without being reminded, but woe to the person that did (bosses, friends, me), because they'd end up lashing out about it. They also didn't want me to have friends besides them, make more money than they did (which I eventually did in both instances) or ask them to do anything around the house. I even told them both that I might love them, but I would never need them, and they thought I was mistaken. When it actually turned out I was telling the truth, because I am about the least emotionally needy person I've ever met, they were devastated. My ex husband thought I had lost my mind, and my ex boyfriend said he thought I would "come around". Nope, I didn't, and neither of them could take it. The irony is, the one thing I used to do with both of them, was also the only thing I got called needy about--asking them to go to bed at the same time as me. Part of it was that I wanted to be near them, but it was also because I am a light sleeper, and they woke me up when they came to bed.