Attempt to meet someone, would you critique my message?

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Don't despair. I know it feels like you're running out of time, but you're not. 29 is not that old. But I know, loneliness sucks. Especially at holiday times. I actually thought your message was fine. Have you had any response yet?

No response to that message, but I texted another friend who knows this girl as well, and he's a classmate of hers. He's going to find out what her story is. I'm praying she's single, and would be interested in meeting. I'm just so eager to get to know her, to just go on a date with somebody...it's been months now since the last, and I'm so eager just to get out there and try.

That's the worst of it. Not that I'm not married yet, or even that I don't have a GF. It's that I can't even seem to get out of the batters box and on to home plate. If only I could manage to get more first dates, surely my chances would go up of meeting somebody who likes me, and I her. But I can't even manage that.

There's coming across as polite, assertive and there is coming across as wimpy and passive. Let me suggest a couple of books to you.

Confident Conversation - Dr.Lillian Glass

Be More Assertive
http://www.amazon.com/Be-More-Assertive ... +assertive

The Assertiveness Work book
http://www.amazon.com/The-Assertiveness ... +assertive

That sounds promising. If you do end up going out with her, don't be too eager. Just take it for what it is . . . If she senses that she's being reviewed for a possible long term relationship, this could scare her off. Just enjoy her company and see where things go.

Was I really wimpy and passive? I just wanted to convey that I appreciated my friend's help, and I want to be earnest and humble. I fear coming off as cocky or entitled, when really I mean well and just am interested in meeting new people, but need some help.

OP, go reread my post, because you obviously missed it.

Then get a dog.

Seriously.





Or a friendly cat. Either one.

Look, JBlitzen, I just no longer see friends as being a pathway to anything. When I make friends they want to stay friends, and when I want to go farther, they run away. So I fear taking risks with friends, because I don't want to lose the friendship. It's all I have.

And at the same time, I'm losing the friends I have to marriage and child rearing. One of my good friends, whom I used to meet to run with almost every day, once he got married and had I kid, it's literally been six months since I've seen him, and not for lack of trying either.

I'm quickly being squeezed out of people's lives because they devote themselves (rightfully so) to their partner.

The solution as I see it, is I must find a partner myself, that one friend for whom we have each other, always, so we won't be lonely as we lose the others around us to their own partners. I guess in a way that the insidious nature of our monogomaous world. It's like, "You better find someone, or you'll be alone and shunned."

What can I do? I saw this pretty girl who is doing really cool things with her life, and I want to be a part of that for someone. I want to be there to support somebody and hear about her day, and we can just enjoy being together as we explore life. But I've got to meet people first, but how am I to meet them without some help? I can't just sit around waiting I've tried everything.

You talk of specialiness, and that is important. Every girl I meet is special to me. I can remember, vividly, every girl I've ever been attracted to, and I am filled with deep sadness and shame and self hatred because I was not what they wanted, I was not able to give what that needed or desired. Yet I remember each of them, because of what they might've been, of that lost opportunity Each one remains special to me, for that longing and that wondering. Each one I loved in a particular way.

As for getting a pet? No way. For one thing, I work full time, and I could never bear to keep a poor animal housed up all alone in my little apartment. They deserve big houses and yards and families with kids who can play with them. Dogs deserve more than what I can give. And besides, I had a dog before, growing up. When that dog died, I never cried so hard in my whole life. The pain of that loss forever ended any ideas that I would ever have another pet or animal of any kind. The pain of the loss is too severe to make it worth while.

This is what I would do if I were you. Friend request her if he's not already on your friends list. If she doesn't accept your request then forget about it. If she does accept it, comment on her status once or twice. Maybe one comment a day, no more. Then after a few days, send her a message "You had said you were coming to Blank and Blanks party the other night, right? I thought your name looked familiar. You missed a pretty good party." then see what she replies. Play it by ear.

Don't go around asking lots of friends unless you are absolutely sure they won't tell her. It's flattering if a guy asks one mutual friend about a girl but when he asks more than one, if she finds out then she's gonna be completely creeped out.

I'd seriously friend request her and then ease in there to get to know her with comments. I've gotten to know a lot of people through FB, and actually that is where I met my current bestie. She friended me because she liked some comments I made on someone else's status, we would joke around and comment a lot on FB, sometimes message, then she had a crisis and I called her and we talked and then I had a crisis and she called me and came to get me and I hung out with her for a few days and since then we have been besties. It's very possibly to get to know somebody on FB like that without it being a sudden overwhelming thing. Try it like that.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

brian don't listen to these people. A lot of people here just like spewing advice because it makes them feel like their life is more stable than yours. It is a self esteem thing. Heck this is partly why I'm doing it lol..although i really want you to get a gf. Or atleast some booooooooooteh lol

anyway, You took the right approach by going through your friends and not only finding out her status(as not to intrude in case she was spoken for) but also because it was the least creepy approach. it is much less creepy to say to your mutual friends ''hey this girl is cute talk to her for me'' than for you to go harrass her as a perfect stranger. NT's ask friends to hook them up all the time.

All of the people telling you to have patience don't understand what your situation is like. Patience will get you nowhere! You will be 38 and in this same situation! Guys have to have balls.

To the people telling you to get a dog..how ignorant can you be? Dogs are amazing and I would not give up my dog for ANY girl in the world, BUT dogs are different than a girlfriend and brian deserves BOTH.

To the people telling you that you are looking for a girl to fix your f****d up life; f**k THEM man. I could tell you're happy with your life. Yo uare working and succeeding in a field you enjoy. You have friends and family. You are doing alright and are in good shape.Your only issue, the one reason you feel like crap is because your life is actually SO GOOD NOW that it ALLOWS you to FOCUS ON YOUR LACK OF GF> Think about it, if your life sucked, then the last thing you would be worried about would be a gf lol. Once you get a gf, you will be much happier man.

I tried having friends myself, and we would go out to NYC every weekend. I actually drove m friends away because I would always be depressed when we walked by all of the sluts in nyc and I always was upset i couldnt get a gf..or a slu*ty lay.

Okay so I found out...she's taken..been dating a guy for two years apparently.

Not surprising. Just from the little I was able to glean about her, she's a total package...beautiful, smart, everything. They don't stay on the market long, and when they do, they can do a lot better than me, that's for sure. Someday it'll be different. I'll be successful and have some good work to my name, and a proud reputation, and someone will see that I am worthy.

Until then, well, I tried dammit.

I tried.

And I'll keep trying until I find someone who sees I have value.

Brian, I'm sorry about the loss of your dog, but I'm concerned at how you talk about it. Dogs and cats live shorter lives than people do. But they're still meaningful lives. Your dog was great, weren't they? Many positive memories, right? So why is it that you fixate on the one worst memory?

A dog's death is just one moment in its life.

"I wish she hadn't died" is unhealthy and downright wrong way to think about the animal.

Consider, instead, "I'm glad I was able to have so many good times with them, and give them such a happy and long life."

Those are diametrically opposed views of the exact same situation, and while both acknowledge the positives and negatives, only one is itself positive.

Both of my prior posts in this thread highlighted the same concern; your mind seems fixated on negative views of the world and radical pessimism.

You're blocked from the joys of pet ownership because you're fixated on the pains.

And you seem blocked from the joys of a healthy relationship because you're fixated on the pain of being alone.

I don't have the psychological expertise to explain how these are sides of the same coin, but even I can see that they are.

I strongly suggest you rethink your position on getting a pet. Here's why:

1. Cats don't mind being alone, just leave some blinds open so they can watch birds. And dogs vastly prefer being alone part of the day to being euthanized.

2. Many animals are euthanized every day due to a lack of new owners. You would be saving an animal's life.

3. An animal would be happy to be with you. This is the psychological part I can't explain, but it WILL help you overcome your poor sense of self-worth and your desperate and understandable need for affirmation. Get used to it with an animal.

4. There is scientific evidence that pet ownership helps autistic sufferers develop healthy social behaviors and outlooks.

I just don't think you're ready for a romantic relationship right now, Brian. Your heart is too confused and distracted. Find something small to love, that loves you back, and then you'll be ready for a much larger step.

(Note that I'm not telling you to wait and hope things work out; I'm suggesting positive proactive measures to take to improve your emotional health and outlook.)

If you're afraid you won't be able to handle a pet, then what would you think if you got a woman pregnant?

Pets are easy, just show them kindness and consistency, and don't lose your temper too much or too often. And they'll love you forever.

I seriously recommend it, I think it's a good step for you. There's no stigma about single guys owning a pet. Or if there is, it's only held by idiots.

I have a cat. If some woman won't date me because owning a cat is creepy of me, then good. I don't want an idiot like that anyway, and I'm sure that everyone else in her life is equally tired of putting up with her s**t.

My cat will probably die in my lifetime. I don't want that to happen, but everyone is mortal. Better that she die being loved and after a long life of chasing feather toys and monitoring the local avian population than alone in an overcrowded animal shelter.

I understand cats aren't the subject of this thread, but I do think your heart needs practice with a tiny committed relationship before it tries a huge one.

You know what scares me the most? What if the pet doesn't love me back?

I've never heard of a dog that didn't love its owner.