Never initiates phone calls?

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But thats what the thread is all about. Not the desperate thing, but that the threadstarter wants someone to call him to reassure himself. I dont see, that because of that some innocent babies would be dying, so why not mention if it thats what its all about. Wanting to speak with his/her partner is no bad thing, so why not talk about it?

If you want someone to do something on his own, that is only linked with misadvantages for him/her, as it seems to be with many aspies and telephone, you will wait for judgement day until they have the idea on their own, to do something that sucks.

The thing is: I hate calling. So I never had the idea to call someone on my own if its not about an necessary sharing of information. But I do like my partner. So if I know, that my partner gets more happy, when I plan more often to phone him, its no problem. Then phoning becomes the advantage of "making my partner happy". But I gotta know about that. I need my partner to tell that he would be happy about it, because either way I dont know. My partner also likes a sort of banana cake. But without him telling me, that he likes that cake, I would have never known. Now that I know I plan making banana cake from now and then, I am happy as long as I can plan everything, my partner is happy about his banana cake, and we are both happy, that we are both happy.

But all that love films, that try to tell people that "true love leads to learning the ability of mind reading" is nonsense.

As the poster before me said, its not about begging or demanding or something. Just telling. "Hi mouse, as you are doing a cake right now, it comes to my mind that my grandma sometimes made some sort of banana cake, I really liked. Maybe next time you do a cake, you could try this one?" "Hi mouse, I´d really missed you the last days. If its ok for you, if we plan more calls the next days?" There is absolutely nothing bad about it.

So I accept, that maybe it is completely weird for you, that you have to tell something for NTs so pretty normal, like "I like chatting to you." But for me it is really like the cake example. I am happy to know about something, that makes my partner happy. But if my partner would not have told me he could have maybe waited his whole life until i had done such a cake by accident, when trying new recipes. That does not mean, that I instantly fulfill every deed, its still my desicion what I want to do. So doing such unhygienic things like touching a mobile phone on the toilette to have toilette bacterias on my telephone, which I cant wash after using the toilette...no.

And its not about 13 year old partnerships, when I was a teenager, I had the same problems with men that were not able to simply tell their deeds. So I had a boyfriend, and I know he was happy, when I called him, so I called him every day in the evening. Then the school year ended, we had some really difficult tests, so we agreed to concentrate on school the next two weeks. So I didnt call him any longer for two weeks, and then he got his self esteem issues and did some soap opera s**t and so on, because of him thinking that I would not love him any longer, because I hadn´t called him anymore. If he would not have waited 2 weeks for his issues and his anger to rise, but simply told me, that he still wants us to be calling every day in the evening, it would have been no problem, he never would have been sad, I never would have been sad, and everything would have been fine. Instead he thought to do some of this teenager love testing s**t, not telling that he is sad because of me not calling, waiting that somehow I would receive this deed via mind reading, depending his worth on me not calling and so on.

And this was not only troubling him, it was troubling me too, because after the end of that relationship, I decided myself to be unable of having an relationship because of me being unable to handle the expectations NT partners have in an relationship. You are always expected to do or act in a way, that somehow you shall know by mindreading. So I accept that for most NTs this mind reading is an essential part of having an relationship and did blame myself for being "too dumb" to do so. I really was sad because of that and really wished I could have known about my partners deed.

And the thing why I got the chance years after this events took place, that I am now in an relationship with an partner since 13 years, is because of him being a partner that is straightly talking to me his deeds. That didnt function from the start on, so we had some troubles because of me being completely blindly when it comes to the expectations of an relationship. But instead of my earlier partners, who were not able to accept, that its really about me being blind, and accused me of being unwilling, he accepted after some troubles we had, that its really about me being blind, not unwilling. So I feel sorry, that I am not able to know his deeds from my own somehow, as it seems to function in other relationships. But he found out, that the problem was really the communciation. He is important for me. And if he tells me his deeds, I am absolutely caring for them as he knows. But all the love we have got, will never change that I am completely blind when it comes to that mind reading stuff.

Depending his self esteem on me being able to mind read his deeds, would be, as if he had a partner that is sitting in an wheel chair, and he decided to depend his self esteem on her jumping around him. I am sorry for you to hear, that the woman did not meet your expectations. But I really hope for you, that you will be able to find someone for you, and if its an Aspie again, I´d give you the advice to simply be honest to her, to give her the chance to show you if she is simply honest to you.

If a woman really cares about you, she will have the desire to contact you even if she hates doing so.

if she never gets the desire then she doesn't care about you.

All the reassurance and self-esteem talk above is irrelevant since we're not talking here about an obsessive need of being contacted every minute but about the expectation of a mere initiation every while.

It's simply Common Sense.


/thread.

but she has to know that he wants or expects a call. that is not Common Sense as he established a pattern that indicates he is fine if she does not ever bother to call him.

i don't see what the big huge deal is, or why it has to turn into secret messages about how much she cares. next time when the OP isn't certain if he can call because she is busy with family or something, simply say, "hey, you're busy tomorrow, so i don't want to disturb you with a phone call. so when you are free, give me a call." SO EASY. it can establish a new pattern of taking turns making phone calls.

I am talking about the extreme case, when a girl NEVER initiates no matter how many direct and indirect hints you do.

She's an adult too, I am not the one who has to teach her about reciprocity in relationships/friendships.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 15 Feb 2013, 7:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

that isn't the OP's situation, so i wasn't talking about other examples.

How often would you have shitted on someones kitchen table, without the person telling you, that he/she would feel comforted by doing so?

Its not simply common sense, its common sense because most people feel themself comforted by social contact, so they expect others to feel the same way.

By the way: Its simply common sense to stand up when a person enters the room. Maybe you can explain that to wheel chair drivers.

she's an aspie who is already in an established pattern of friendship. her friend calls her when he wants to talk to her. if they are both fine with that, then it's not a problem. if it is a problem, then she should be informed of that. maybe NTs are aware of hidden expectations, but aspies are often unaware of social conventions - that is part and parcel of how their brains work.

Yes, returning phone calls is probably an initiation too but not sure how it's happening in his case, if she returns calls like after a message "call me" or after he told her explicitly "call me this afternoon" then it's not considered an initiation.

If she returns a call because he called her earlier some day then I can't see why he should be even worried.

- the OP has to clarify more about this.

well, to be fair we haven't established that she is interested at this point. they are not in a relationship. so her lack of phone calls could be a sign. but that's why i am encouraging him to be more explicit with her in general - we are parsing the smallest things when there might be no need.

I saw this old thread in the bottom.....


My gf and all the flings I had ALWAYS initiate(d) texting/messaging from time to time, some even every day, it was never all on me. I put them all in the test on this and it has always proved to be a proof indicator of girl's interest. To be replied means little, initiation is what matters.

Guys, learn this and learn it well: When a girl never initiates communication with you = not interested in you.

Gawd, reading past posts here, I find ALL females in this thread, in my opinion, had irrational opinions and lacked common sense on this subject. Their advice are so harmful for guys - and I am 100% sure even themselves (the ladies who posted here) initiate texting/messaging to their crushes/lovers from time to time.

Personally I think it's always obvious when someone is interested, but wishful thinking always comes into play here because you want to see interest. If you really want to see interest then you will see interest in all situations.

It's not just "Aspie girls"; I absolutely hate talking on the phone; so much so that it borders on phobia, and if anything, the more I care about you and the more I want to talk to you, the harder it is for me. No; I don't have a rational explanation, just like I don't have a rational explanation for most of my wierdness, but I am at least self-aware enough to tell you about it if you ask me...but don't expect me to volunteer the information; the more I care for you and value our relationship, the more reluctant (frightened) I am to let you know just how weird and maladaptive I really am.
The sine qua non of Asperger's is my abject inability to "read" you; to intuit your intentions, needs and wants; I absolutely suck at mind reading. However, I genuinely love my mate, and enjoy pleasing her and doing nice things for her. Fortunately she knows this, and is mature enough to take personal responsibility for getting her needs met; she explicitly tells me what she wants and what she's thinking. We periodically "reality check" our perceptions by asking each other how they are doing; we talk. It seems that every time we make assumptions, we get it wrong.
Most people when confronted with ambiguity in a relationship automatically personalize it; with a dearth of information to the contrary, they default to "they must not like me". That's not necessarily true. It might be that we really like you, but really suck at dating.