She shouldn't have even messaged me

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This is why I think using dating sites is just not a very good idea for most men. Sure, it's easier. It's less of a blow to your pride to be ignored online than to be rejected in person.

But if you think you fade into the background, that women don't notice you, in real life, it's a thousand times that online. And if you think the issue is their preconceived notions of you, there's no better way to show them the real you than in person.

I disagree. As someone who can present as NT and as not socially anxious and perhaps even as a "bro" in most controlled situations but has selective social anxiety/panic attacks and even perhaps even selective mutism in certain uncomfortable situations, keeping it predictable and controlled like this is a good way to do it. There are a lot who are lower functioning where this is even more true.

What's the alternative? Go to clubs? lol. It's a lot harder, and even those who can pass for NT in some situations have a harder time when there are crowds of people and loud music. scary lol.

Have friends introduce you? Most aspies are hard to get to know so even someone who is a so-called "friend" may have trouble finding someone compatible. I've been there.

Which leaves online dating as a terrible but slightly preferable means of dating for AS males.

I don't think passing for NT should be the goal when looking for a relationship. Sure, your odds of gaining someone's interest go up. But your odds of keeping their interest, once they start really getting to know you, go way down.

Same deal with the "predictable and controlled" environment of online dating. Sure, you may come across a bit smoother, more together, online. But you're gonna meet in person eventually, and all that will go out the window. And when she realizes you're not the smooth together guy she thought you were, she'll lose interest.

Lot of experience meeting women and gaining their interest by hiding my flaws. Just as much experience losing their interest once they spend some time with me. I've found it's better if they know exactly who I am and what I'm like from the start. Sure, there are far fewer who are interested in me to start with. But, of those few, I am able to keep the interest of a much higher percentage.

I agree. I wish I didn't, because I hate online dating. I'll admit I did try the club option once, and people bought me drinks all night, I'm sure because they thought I was the nice quiet guy in the corner. I even got a kiss from a girl, who had obviously had a few. But I wasn't particularly proud of myself the next day. Going to bars when you're lonely is a habit you want to avoid.

But as you say, it's better to establish interactions online where you can be in command of your words and what the other person learns about you, then when you do meet in person you arrive with your best behavior and exceed expectations. We aspies obviously make more indicators to NTs than we can realize, and if you tell someone up front that you have autism then that's all they're going to be taking note of. You always want someone to be surprised that you've been diagnosed.

It is a habit of many NT women to use teasing as an opener.. There is no way to know her intention but I seriously doubt she would have contacted you just to throw your love of movies in your face. Commenting that you were attractive to her makes a woman feel vaulenrable and many are still stuck in the "women don't make the first move" frame of mind.. so by throwing a little "dig" at you if you rejected her she could have just told herself "he was a jerk and he was way too obsessed with movies" I am not sure if you can follow this logic.. well ok.. it is not very logical behavior but it is the truth. I agree wtih the others though who said to embrace your love of movies, being geeky what ever you are. you want someone to fall in love with the person you are and not have to defend those behaviors. You are perfect the way you are and someone will find those traits adorable and love you all the more for them

The Christian nurse I have went with for three dates with extensive everyday contact (a fourth was being under planning but her Qatar job offer* changed everything, she's now in Qatar) had a negative ideas about atheists at first but I have totally changed her once-stereotypical view and misconceptions about atheists. That girl turned out to be greatly nice and we had some common interests, I am still in contact with her (but no more romance).

If I've told her I am atheist since our first online conversation or described myself as Atheist on profile, she would have ran away.

Same case with a Muslim girl that I've met in real life (and re-seeing her right now - the highest gf prospect right now).


* before she went for the Qatar offer she was confused whether she continues her half-finished Master's or goes for the job offer (salary at least 4 times than her). My answer was "You can restudy the Master's later but a such career opportunity only comes once" - she thanked me and took the job the next day. My friend told me I was idiot and that I should have been more selfish to keep her LOL - Oh well..maybe he was right....that was the logical response to her question though.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 06 Mar 2013, 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My BF is athiest too and I have to say if he had said that on line it would have turned me off.. mostly due to my own lack of education on the subject. Now, I agree with his life philosophies even though I do believe in a God in heaven I don't believe in organized religion and his views on life and right and wrong are so much more what I believe than the way many Christians behave.

Yeah, definitely give them time to get to know you first. Months, at least. I waited several years before telling the one person I've told. The desire to disclose comes from wanting the person to better understand you. But most have all kinds of preconceived notions about what autism is that'll just get in the way of them getting to know the actual person.

No, I don't mean it's easier to hide flaws online. I mean it's easier to hide one's flaws when meeting IN PERSON with someone where much of the uncertainty as to whether they are interested and available is cut out. Some of these are flaws that may never again arise. Once you're dating someone, there obviously isn't going to be as much uncertainty about certain things.

Also, since I'm likely Borderline, putting myself in a situation where rejection is a possibility is likely to cause me to find something to perceive as a rejection and then preemptively exit the situation or else to quickly self-sabotage. I strike up lots of conversations with single girls but either end up leaving or deteriorating to the point of needing to end the conversation after I pick up on perceived negative body language, so I've never even gotten to the point of asking someone out and being rejected overtly. Using screeners like websites or friends cuts out just enough of the uncertainty, so that this is less of a problem. I don't see why this would ever need to be disclosed.

Thus, I think dismissing the OP's choice of venue is a bit off topic and not helpful to the majority of members.

Last edited by Tyri0n on 06 Mar 2013, 7:36 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Nope, they eventually find a man and divorce him and take the kids.

mds_02 that is very good advice. Although it is nothing to be ashamed of there are so many stupid misconceptions out there.. because you know all Aspies are either Sheldon Cooper or Rain man right? My son is AS and I still didn't know 1/4 of what I do now. To this day we have discussed my son being AS but I have never used the label with my BF to describe him. From the start he would point out traits and the best way to deal with them.. I was wayyy slow and "getting it" lol.. but he fully acknowledges who he is and what the heck do we need a label for in our house? We are all just people and there is nothing "wrong" with him or any of you. So ya process differently... who is to say your way is not the right way and us "typical's" are messed up? It is sort of my personal secret giggle to myself that the majority of NT's are so arrogant they can't see that we are the inferior ones not the Aspies lol.. Good lord.. he researches something and retains 99% of what he just read, can quote back up for all of his opinions, logical... even with cooking he can look at a pinterest recipe and know why it will or will not work 100% accurate AND tell me why. Soooo he can't cook with dishes in the sink... is not able to read my mind based on how I stand or a look on my face... yes because to survive in the world which is more important? hummm... and I love to watch people challenge him on any topic. I just sit back and watch their jaws drop because once he starts you aren't getting a word in and he will shame you and site proof over and over and if you don't believe it he will bring you proof. Those are always proud moments for me.. ahhh sucker! You barked up the wrong tree this time. Don't think just because he is a nice guy he will not put you in your place lol

See? thats an assumption that doesnt always work.

I was talking with this girl and things were going great for a few weeks, at some point she stopped asking questions and the conversation became all about her, after the third message I gave up and moved along because I didnt want to meet someone like that offline.

Whenever I see something like that offline I move along too.
Yes most of my friends right now are about twice my age but id rather be talking to them without carrying all the weight of the conversation than talking to someone my age that is less likely to ask me questions and expects me to be extremely interested in their life(not sure what is it with the people my age that have been approaching me lately)

^^^this. she is not on a personal mission to seek out people whose profiles annoy her, just so that she can waste time critiquing their interest in movies. she is on a dating site hoping to make a connection with someone who interests her.


also this^^^

in every single message at first you should be asking her something about herself or her profile, not just answering her questions. if you are just answering her questions without asking her anything or without offering any new conversation, then it looks like you are not interested in her because it appears like you don't want to keep the conversation going. it's a subtle signal of disinterest that i've used intentionally to get people to stop messaging me before.

other person: hey, so you like food? what kind?
me: italian dishes.
other person: cool. what else?
me: chinese food.
...

^ interesting, to read this. I don't intentionally do this. I do this all the time as part of normal conversation. I never knew what was wrong with my conversation. Lately I have been told that I ignore questions and that I don't care. But I do! When I then start asking too many questions I get blamed for being possessive. Still trying to learn how to read the situation.

I always open with a tease both online an IRL most girls can't resist replying if they've an inkling they might like you, in conversations I keep it focused on her and keep it light hearted and tongue in cheek when she asks about me.

As for AS I recently told my girlfriend about it even though we have only gone out a few weeks, she didn't think I was different from any one else. She then told me one of the pupils she teaches has AS as well but like me she didn't have a y idea till she read his file.

There's no reason to tell any one about AS to begin with at worst they'll think you're different but they'll either like or dislike that. They only really need to know if you both start a relationship. It's not like they'll meet you and instantly know you've mental health difficultys, why tell an put them off or make they wary before you even meet.

Also don't label your self a geek or anything it builds a image that's hit or miss and may not even be true compared to some one elses opinons.

This....

And this....