I "dumped" my aspie but I want him back!

Post Reply New Topic

I was in a situation that was a little bit similar. You are always going to want more than this particular person with AS is likely to be able to give. You like him, so you will try to convince yourself that you can need less, but you will come to resent him. Actually this episode is the first of what will likely continue.

You will think that you can read enough, ask enough and try hard enough to understand how to make this work. I believe that you really want to make this work. And in the moment all of the plans for compromise sound good. But when you'd like to be with your boyfriend and he cannot be with you and he cannot really explain why...compromise will turn to resentment. You will snap and he will retreat. You will slowly coax him out again and the cycle will repeat.

I want to be clear, not all people on the autistic spectrum are like this. The relationship that I am in now is amazing. But it has always been amazing, We just click and have for almost two years.

I'm sorry to say this, because I know you care for him and it seems like he cares for you. My ex still cares for me and I care about him. He still says that I am the best woman that he has ever known. But in the end, that was not enough. I wanted more than he was capable of giving. I believe that you will want more than he is capable of giving too. Neither of you is wrong, you are just fundamentally incompatible.

Every woman I've been with who laid down an ultimatum usually started out with something small, like "If you won't take me to a nice restaurant, then don't bother asking me out again". Giving into the first ultimatum usually set a pattern, but with escalating conditions, like "If I don't have an engagement ring by July, I'm moving out!" and "If my mother can't live with us, then I'll go live with her!"

The final one is usually something like, "If you don't do 'X' right now, then I'm filing for divorce!" (This last one is based on my experience and the experiences of several other divorced male acquaintances.)

My advice to any man being issued an ultimatum: Call it. She's probably bluffing; and, as the OP of this thread has demonstrated, she's likely to regret even mentioning the "or else" option when you take her up on it. Besides, if someone is so imperious that he or she simply can not manage a relationship without issuing ultimatums, then you are likely better off alone or with someone else.

...

SHE: "If you're going to wear that, then you're going by yourself!"

HE: "Okay, bye!"

SHE: "Wait! If you go without me, then don't bother coming back!"

HE: "Okay, bye!"

SHE: "HEY! If you don't come back, then I've filing for divorce!"

HE: "Okay, bye!"

...

SHE: "I can't believe it! He practically DARED me to divorce him!"

...

HE: "So anyway, she wants to divorce me because I'm wearing my lucky ballcap ... wierd, huh?"

I completely understand you. I don't think what happened warrants such negativity from the responses here. Of course if a NT man did this, I would have been pissed off. If an AS guy did this, then he is genuinely asking to clear confusion(which you already have figured out). You were so mad and angry that he took your actions as friends and and ended the conversation that way. I don't think he understands why you got mad or anything. So anyhow, you can just contact him again and tell him that you realized you weren't clear, too rash, and want to speak to him again. He must be direct and also perhaps tell him why his question might have hurt your feelings so he understands. You kind of have to let go NT expectations of him a bit and forgive the confusion. You mistook his question as offensive which is very understandable if one doesn't understand AS.

_________________
Neurotypical. I'm very friendly; feel free to message me.