all women I meet seem to be insensitive jerks

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Seriously I just want an answer as to why you keep misunderstanding me. I am not doing anything wrong I just think that you attacked me and then gave me no explanation as to what you were trying to do. I am very confused and keep getting more confused. Aspergers is a horrible difference (not completely but the problems somewhat outweigh the positives) that has robbed me of any normal life and now you are here. Are you even an "Aspie"? From your comments it would appear you are not since you are taking a typical NT stance on this.

Making preemptive strikes or bum rushes or whatever this is. I only speak truth even if it hurts. Maybe this is what you do as well. I am too honest for most to handle and I come across as aggressive but honestly I am a really nice person. I just get a little upset that people do not listen to what I am saying. No one does and gets old.

You have no idea what this woman really did to me and I got a little upset which is completely understandable considering the circumstances. I was pretty in control in my messages, They were very similar to the conversation here. I mean you have no idea what I was thinking about what to write here I do not dare go that route since I am in control of myself right now. I just am trying to get you to listen but I think it has fallen on deaf ears.

Okay so maybe we did have a similar person in our life. Believe me I would never do what your ex did to you to any woman. I am not like that at all. My emotions get a little crazy but I have a heart of gold. Maybe you misunderstood him. He was really that bad and evil? Maybe he did not know? I would never treat a woman like a doormat. I would get in arguments sure, but I would have enough sense to go for a walk and work it out.

DId you ever think that maybe his aspergers was the cause of this? Why couldn't you work it out. It sounds to me like you misunderstood his intentions as most people do. You should understand that sometimes people treat you badly but they are not ill-intended.

That his horrible to say that he could not feel love. How do you know? You cannot base this on his actions. Sometimes you end up hurting the people you love the most. Did you even try to get help for your relationship. I mean maybe you just had to go. Now you are in my shoes and you did not feel angry at him and maybe yell at him. Every one does we are only human. Yelling is not okay but it happpens to everyone. Sorry it is the way of the world.

No one ever sees it from your viewpoint. Every one always misunderstands people say I am a psycho when that is so far from the truth. Honestly I live by the code of "you respect me I respect, you disrespect me I disrespect you". I am just a realist. I think you should respect but it is earned never just given out. You have to protect yourself from this crazy world. My meltdowns are a way of telling people I need time to myself and should be a catalyst that pushes them away completely. They happen because of overload in our brains and we cannot take it it is biological and how are brains work. Maybe you found a way to stop it which means you are lucky. But you are in the minority as far as aspergers people. I have talked to dozens of other men who have the same problem as me. And we are always getting screwed because of it. It is much harder to be a man in a world where women's lib has made them be able to do whatever they want without us being able to do much about it. The game is rigged and not fair whixh honestly is the whole world: it is cold and unfair.

Last edited by punkguy378 on 26 Jun 2013, 3:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

We went to relationship counselling and everything. I tried so hard to explain how his actions were making me feel (he even cheated on me). He wasn't bad and evil, but he caused me so much pain that one night while he was away for work I literally cried all my love for him away, I was in so much pain. I stayed with him for a few more months after that night, trying so hard to love him again, but he simply wouldn't try to help our relationship. At the end of the day, you need to look out for yourself, and me being sad and in pain wasn't good for me at all. It was sad that the break-up hurt him, but that's life. As my favourite band R.E.M sang, "Everybody Hurts". And if someone or something is causing you pain, then the logical thing is to get away from them/it.

Not me I seem to seek out hurt and pain over and over. I almost died in a car crash drunk driving and I just continued to drink afterwards and drive while drunk. I honestly did not care about me or anyone else. It took more pain to realize I needed to stop drinking so I did and got help.

I like pain. and I like suffering. I put myself through the wringer over and over hoping that it would destroy me but I am still here. I have gone through points in my life where I would look at myself in the mirror and want to punch the glass or spit on it. I literally despised myself and what I was. I believed all those kids on the playground who said I was worthless, weak, and dumb. And then I went about destroying myself and until recently it was all I knew.

But through all this I stood fast and waited until I was ready to come back from hell where I literally was. I could not stop drinking I went to treatment centers and then would go out again with a bang. Start the cycle all over. More pain than you can shake a stick at. And I endured for 6 more months of hell. Then in 2002 went yet again to treatment and this time it stuck.

But that old life is creeping back to me. About a year ago I went to the liquor store and bought some beer and then gave it to a neighbor because I just could not drink it or bring myself too. For some reason I saw into the future and realized I would be dead on the streets or worse.

But even still I would give someone the shirt off my back. I have a heart of gold and would do anything for someone I love. I may hurt them at times and disappooint them my family but they are always there for me and my friends no matter what crap I pull. I don't deserve the family I have good natured people who have given me everything and then some.

These folks took me into their home when my parents gave me up as an infant.They had to they could not raise me she was only 16 and my father actually was between 18 and 22 (kind of weird but oh well). They were too young and they gave me to a wonderful family that gave the most love any parent could give. They are my parents actually. They have stuck by me through all my bullcrap when they could of just wash their hands of me. Maybe they should have but they saw the good in me when I could not see it myself. I went from zero self-esteem to having to at least some respect for myself. I will never have the best self-esteem as some other people. I will always suffer a little with it.

Between my ex mother in law and the kids at school, I also started believing I was worthless and unfit to be alive. I thought I was an abomination and that I had no right to live. But thanks to my footy club I met people who accepted who I am who are now my good friends, and I met the player who I have looked up to for a long time (and he has exceeded all my expectations, to the point where I'm now a bit taken with him).

If you have an interest, there are bound to be other people who are interested. Even if you don't end up with a relationship, you can end up with friends and support which helps when you're looking at relationships and how they fall apart.

Yeah I have some great friends but they are just not available as much, that and they live 2000 miles away Honestly the only group of friends I ever had was at a sober living house I lived at in CA. Bunch of awesome guys and have been talking to one recently. He had it bad because his brother died in a car crash about a year ago.

Groups of good friends are hard to come by. I have always had quality over quantity as far as friends you do not need more than a few good friends.

I don't get the whole male comraderie bullcrap. Always trying to brag about what they did. Too much testosterone in one place. lol.

The thing is good friends never stay around forever at least they never do for me. One of my best friends in my whole life ended up moving back to Switzerland and just vanished. Never saw or heard from him again. It just happens. It is hard for me to get close to people since I sometimes feel why bother they will be gone someday. I am always the first to arrive and the last to leave.

Honestly it is hard not to get jealous sometimes when everyone else seems to be good with women and I completely stink at it. Probably because most of my friends are NT and have strong social skills. Mine are not so bad it is just I can be awkward and nervous at times. It seems to many guys never stay true to one person. Kind of disgusting. I mean I really despise men who cheat. Not right at all. And there are the women that end up with hundreds of guys. Not appealing in the least.

My interests are punk rock and video games. Punk is not so good because most punks drink or do drugs. I have found very few in AA almost none except me. I mean I had some metalhead friends which are close enough. It is hard to find a woman who does not get scared off by my appearance. The picture is me but you can barely see it well my avatar. There is a person there. me. I guess it is intentionally different because it is something I did in photoshop.

I honestly do not want to pursue a relationship with anyone who is not punk, goth, or rockabilly. This last one was kind of a hybrid between Punk and Rockabilly but she used to be goth.

Talking way too much. oops.

It's a forum, you're meant to talk.

All this typing is probably thereputic for you anyway. All of my friends are "NT", but I think there's something wrong with everyone, we're all a little crazy. I was flying to WA for footy and got into a conversation with a lovely lady all about our various mental issues. We had a good chat about anxiety, depression, ADHD, Aspergers and Schizophrenia. It's amazing how similar you find you are to people when you just talk with no expectations of anything. But then again, I'm a extrovert trapped in an introverts body.

Punk music? How do you feel about the indie scene? One of the players of the team I follow is really into his music (his blog is here).

You need to accept being rejected and move on. It happens to everyone. Find nice women and stop talking to jerks. Last advice is to learn how to conceal your emotions. Women like that and don't like guys that are overly sensitive but don't change yourself for anyone, just learn how to control your emotions.

All of that is absolutley ok. My father was abusive too. He had his causes, I can understand. But the reason why I will never forgive him his behavior, is that he never thought of going to a therapy to overcome his issues. You are telling us about your problems and thats ok. But doing nothing about them is not ok. If you want people to respect your issues seriously the best way is by showing them that you yourself take them seriously. And that means going to a therapy. There is nothing bad about that.

A woman cant be your therapist, because therefore you need special knowledge and years of studying. Expecting that a woman shall help you with your issues is as if you would expect from a girlfriend to cure cancer. You need professional knowledge to do so. If you dont have that knowledge, it wont end well. So I think that maybe its that, what woman is scaring, that you seem to expect them to be able to handle your issues, what normal person simply cant do. Not because of not being willing, but simply because of having no experience and knowledge about how to handle that problems. Something else is it, if you have a professional therapy, because then a professional therapist will help your partner as well and give her advices, so she wont feel lost with the problem. Its the same with any other illness, if my partner has an illness then a doctor will give me advices how to help with his therapy to get well again. So I can feel sure, because I know that a person with good knowledge is telling me what to do and how to help my partner, and that this informations normally will be correct. But on my own I hardly could even tell the exact problem my partner has, and because of that dont know what helps him and what treatment he needs.

Get yourself some therapy, because a partner can be a good helper, but it cant be a professional therapist. If you want to force that role on someone, when she simply knows that she is not able to do so, then it will scare her off.

Believe it or not I can relate a lot to what you are saying punkguy and I am NT and a woman. I want to address a few things:

I agree that when you are being bullied esp in school, you have to be ready and willing to be aggressive back. As a teacher I see what happens in schools. One Aspie kid I had in my class (who I adored btw), would give kids HELL if they messed with him. I loved it. I told him so too. The school environment can be rough and it can call for roughness, BUT later in life situations call for different strategies.

One thing I am learning on WP is the years of abuse ppl take and the effect it can have on your psyche. It can leave scars and I think it causes Aspies to sometimes react (just like NTs but maybe it goes deeper with Aspies?)

BUT, later in life, its all the more important to react civilly. If you don't, you can fired from jobs, excluded from social groups, and yes, have restraining orders put on you, etc etc!! Trust me, I know about a lot of this.

I am NT and pretty sophisticated socially (ppl tell me how envious they are of my social skills and comfort level around ppl) AND YET- I have been pushed out/excluded from many social groups. Here's the deal for me: usually ppl or someone in the group is/ are being extreely rude and/or offensive. Sometimes I appropriately say something to them (not angry, honest about my hurt feelings, clear and concrete about the behavior that happened and what I would have liked, "i" statements, etc). And what do you think happens? 9/10, the ppl get offended that I am even saying anything about their behavior at all. In those cases, f_ck 'em, they are not ppl I can have in my sphere bcs they are too immature, etc....

BUT if i am honest, then I have to say that there have been times where I DID NOT react well, I didn't take time to think things out and I just acted rashly. Sometimes it wasnt THAT bad, (let a person on our facebook surf group know that I thought it was rude to only invite some certain people to a gathering while talking about it in front of others) OK, so NOT that big a deal, BUT the ensuing back n forth made the WHOLE group uncomfortable, with what I later realized shld have been handled one on one. The long and short of it was that I was the one excluded by the group and perceived to be the weird one who broke the social rules/etiquette. Here I am, NT, and I get into trouble all the time.

One more example- in beauty school, a very agressive bullying guy and I got into it verbally. I was just so sick of being bullied there (I think I get bullied when I am super happy/elated to be somewhere- it makes me a target to unhappy, bullying types) that i finally got verbally hostile back with this guy who then had me backed into a corner and was being physically intimidating. I then started yelling my insults to him so loudly that customers could hear. I then put my hand between our faces and said "talk to the hand". his friend lied with him and said I hit him. Guess who got kicked out of beauty school? And I had been complaining about the bullying repeatedly. Life is SO tricky sometimes, because since then, I have actually had to use yelling to make ppl at work (yes, a very dysfunctional workplace) listen to me and it was the only thing that worked! So how does one know how to proceed?! In the end, I think it's really almost always better to be civil and if it comes down to yelling, you have to have nothing to lose. But it should be used very judiciously.

So my point? It's all incredibly tricky even for some of us NTs and life certainly isnt fair, but in the end, I think whats most important is to act in a way that I can be OK with and feel good about my SELF. And I've noticed that I almost always feel better when I do not react impulsively in the middle of feeling my hurt/angry emotions but instead take time to think out the best way to rationally handle the issue usually by talking it out later (which- as mentioned doesn't even work half the time bcs ppl are SO defensive).

Is this easy?! Hell no!! Sometimes the compulsion to act immediately is SO strong, it is a physical ache in my midriff. It is one of the worst feelings to ever have (that desperation and a kind of anquish you mention!). Its horrible. Having a sponsor in AA can be handy for this kind of thing. Meetings can help too, even tho I found that AA can be a whole OTHER difficult can of worms too!! HA! Life is a b-tch!

PS, I havent ha a relationship for 11 years and I have been told that I'm attractive, so I feel your pain and frustration there as well. Please dont give up punk guy, I feel for you. I feel for all of God's creatures. We are all suffering humans in one way or another. We all need to help each other or we are nothing more than animals!

Yeesh! You'd think AA would teach a guy about personal responsibility..........

It did, otherwise he wouldn't have been there.

Then he should be acting like it. All I've seen in this thread is are excuses, projections and woman bashing while he attempts to garner our sympathy/pity. Meanwhile he reacts hostily to the slightest hint that someone thinks that maybe he's not 100% in the right.

I do not appreciate your tone or your sarcasm. It is pretty rude. We are all human beings here and some of us have some problems and more difficulties than others.

What is this third person stuff. I am right here. If you are going to say something to me then say it to my "face" or at least direct it at me. I think what you are doing is extremely rude.

Honestly I was just venting and I do not believe I was "woman bashing" like you claim. I was talking about an individual. You were not there and you did not deal with this person. You have almost zero frame of reference for your little "tantrum".

This message is not helpful in any way and it seems like it is being used as an excuse to beat me over the head.

Fact is you know next to nothing about me. I have issues with people who jump all over me with direct almost insensitive feedback. I was upset and irrational last night and I apologize for my behavior I was wrong. If I was how you said I was I would not come and apologize for my behavior.

I need help and I am currently getting help to sort out these issues so I do not have this problem. But you wanted to jump the gun and basically harass me with this insensitive comment. I am been very nice to you and I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately I did not filter my thoughts when I sent the OP. I am sorry everyone. I was not in a good state of mind. The last thing I want is for people to think I am some kind of abuser. We have issues of varying degrees and sending your message indicates how you basically misunderstood the entire situation and twisted it in a way that defaces me and discredits me.

I will not sink to the level of slinging "mud" to the likes of you. I do not want anyone's pity unfortunately it came across that way. It seems some on here want to just send unhelpful comments and sarcastic insults.

I am currently in behavioral therapy and working on a plan to deal with my issue here.

I never said anything about using this woman as a therapist. Where did you get this idea from?

The reason I have this problem now is because I never could forgive myself or forgive the people that harmed me. Me holding a grudge has only made me start to hurt other people. I know I have a problem and I am not like your father in any way. I am actually trying to get help and I honestly have been seeking it most of my life. Obviously I was not doing something right so now I have to figure out what that is. I am a little slow at this please forgive my behavior.

I feel horrible that I could not control my emotions in this situation. I think it is a wake up call to try to do exactly what someone tells me as far as what will help me cope and deal the trauma I have been dealing with. I obviously need to find a more healthy way to let go of things.