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Ann2011
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18 Jul 2014, 4:01 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
I think people who whine about reasons that they may not be getting dates are the most disadvantaged.


why?

It's a maladaptive behaviour. One cannot change anything but oneself. If you are not successful in acquiring what you desire whining will not help, the only thing you can change is yourself.
Complaining about the way things should be is unproductive.


At least whining about reasons they might not get dates is a way of acknowledging those reasons....and its human nature to be disappointed and whine when you put your effort into something and it doesn't work out especially when it happens repeatedly. Also it is not true they only thing one can change is them-self and I doubt one can entirely 'change' them self in the first place you can't become a different person at will......but yeah people can change cars, people can change where they live, people can even change their environment to some extent via planting plants, getting pets, remodling or whatever point is yes people can change thing besides themselves.


I mean that people can't change other people's behaviour. You can only change your own behaviour.
If someone reacts negatively to me I have to try to figure out why. I can't demand that they react differently to me.

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also sometimes it might be better to look for people intrested in the sort of person one is, rather then changing ones self to get with a specific type of person just because society says that is the sort of person to strive to be with. Of course complaining is not always productive(though it can be when it leads you to try and do something about it if something can be done) but does every single thing someone does have to be productive?


No. But it's best not to spend too much time on things that are unproductive and self desteuctive. And disempowering yourself with negative and fatalistic thinking doesn't do any good.



Sweetleaf
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18 Jul 2014, 4:36 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
I think people who whine about reasons that they may not be getting dates are the most disadvantaged.


why?

It's a maladaptive behaviour. One cannot change anything but oneself. If you are not successful in acquiring what you desire whining will not help, the only thing you can change is yourself.
Complaining about the way things should be is unproductive.


At least whining about reasons they might not get dates is a way of acknowledging those reasons....and its human nature to be disappointed and whine when you put your effort into something and it doesn't work out especially when it happens repeatedly. Also it is not true they only thing one can change is them-self and I doubt one can entirely 'change' them self in the first place you can't become a different person at will......but yeah people can change cars, people can change where they live, people can even change their environment to some extent via planting plants, getting pets, remodling or whatever point is yes people can change thing besides themselves.


I mean that people can't change other people's behaviour. You can only change your own behaviour.
If someone reacts negatively to me I have to try to figure out why. I can't demand that they react differently to me.

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also sometimes it might be better to look for people intrested in the sort of person one is, rather then changing ones self to get with a specific type of person just because society says that is the sort of person to strive to be with. Of course complaining is not always productive(though it can be when it leads you to try and do something about it if something can be done) but does every single thing someone does have to be productive?


No. But it's best not to spend too much time on things that are unproductive and self desteuctive. And disempowering yourself with negative and fatalistic thinking doesn't do any good.


Yes however its important to keep in mind the individual with autism is not always the one in the wrong, of course that doesn't mean you can force someone to change their inappropriate behavior, but depending on what it is you can certainly report them for harassment if its something that severe.

Of course its not good to spend too much time on things that are unproductive or self destructive...though I don't know complaining is always either of those, as one poster pointed out it can help get some of the frustration out rather than letting it build up. Also does it occur to you that sometimes people end up dis-empowered due to outside factors and things that aren't directly related to their negative thinking, I mean people don't usually just develop negative thinking for no reason, cant say it does much good but blaming people for it doesn't help matters either. I know with depression negative thinking is one of the major problems with that, makes it very hard to see any positive or experience positive feelings from experiences that should be positive.

But just throwing it out there, I have no idea what the OP or anyone else here does with their time off here...so can't accuse someone who complains about something on the internet as constantly complaining or assume they're just being lazy and purposely self defeating.


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Eureka13
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18 Jul 2014, 5:48 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
I think people who whine about reasons that they may not be getting dates are the most disadvantaged.


why?

It's a maladaptive behaviour. One cannot change anything but oneself. If you are not successful in acquiring what you desire whining will not help, the only thing you can change is yourself.
Complaining about the way things should be is unproductive.


At least whining about reasons they might not get dates is a way of acknowledging those reasons....and its human nature to be disappointed and whine when you put your effort into something and it doesn't work out especially when it happens repeatedly. Also it is not true they only thing one can change is them-self and I doubt one can entirely 'change' them self in the first place you can't become a different person at will......but yeah people can change cars, people can change where they live, people can even change their environment to some extent via planting plants, getting pets, remodling or whatever point is yes people can change thing besides themselves.


I mean that people can't change other people's behaviour. You can only change your own behaviour.
If someone reacts negatively to me I have to try to figure out why. I can't demand that they react differently to me.

Sweetleaf wrote:
Also sometimes it might be better to look for people intrested in the sort of person one is, rather then changing ones self to get with a specific type of person just because society says that is the sort of person to strive to be with. Of course complaining is not always productive(though it can be when it leads you to try and do something about it if something can be done) but does every single thing someone does have to be productive?


No. But it's best not to spend too much time on things that are unproductive and self desteuctive. And disempowering yourself with negative and fatalistic thinking doesn't do any good.


Agreed.

Not to mention, any action a person repeats establishes a pattern, a habit. Once they've created a pattern of whining and blaming <anything but themselves> for their woes, it morphs into something even more negative. Over my lifetime I've seen a number of people go down that slippery slope. Better to get oneself in the habit of positivity, or the negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.



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18 Jul 2014, 6:53 pm

Sweatleaf nailed it; that's why I have asked the OP these questions because these can be changed/adjusted/progressed.
And she was being fair regarding the complaining.



Eureka13
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18 Jul 2014, 6:59 pm

One does not necessarily have to complain to others in order to change things they don't like. Just sayin'...... :)



djw2398
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18 Jul 2014, 9:34 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
Finding a mate is not equivalent to fighting for resources.


That's exactly what it is for men. It is one of the few things in modern day society that still is. Maybe you don't see it that way because of the gender roles in society (they are all fighting for you, you just try to look attractive to them).



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19 Jul 2014, 1:49 am

Jamesy wrote:
Are aspie males the group in society at the biggest 'disadvantage' in the dating world?


I'd say no. There are many other groups who have bigger disadvantages. But what's the point of comparing?



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19 Jul 2014, 2:52 am

Yuzu wrote:
Jamesy wrote:
Are aspie males the group in society at the biggest 'disadvantage' in the dating world?


I'd say no. There are many other groups who have bigger disadvantages. But what's the point of comparing?


That's true, it's about quality, being Autistic is something that allows you to date and you can date attractive women that don't have any disabilities if you set your mind to it.

Special needs people or people with physical limitations have a more physically outward disability so it is a lot harder for them and they tend to end up dating people in a similar situation if they date.



Ann2011
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19 Jul 2014, 9:09 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Of course its not good to spend too much time on things that are unproductive or self destructive...though I don't know complaining is always either of those, as one poster pointed out it can help get some of the frustration out rather than letting it build up. Also does it occur to you that sometimes people end up dis-empowered due to outside factors and things that aren't directly related to their negative thinking, I mean people don't usually just develop negative thinking for no reason, cant say it does much good but blaming people for it doesn't help matters either. I know with depression negative thinking is one of the major problems with that, makes it very hard to see any positive or experience positive feelings from experiences that should be positive.


Well I'm not blaming anyone for negative thinking and I agree that's it's brought about by experience.

djw2398 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
Finding a mate is not equivalent to fighting for resources.


That's exactly what it is for men. It is one of the few things in modern day society that still is. Maybe you don't see it that way because of the gender roles in society (they are all fighting for you, you just try to look attractive to them).


I assure you, no one is fighting for me. But I'm not trying to look attractive to them either. Maybe if I got in the game so to speak. But I hate games. No I'm not looking anymore. If some man falls into my nest that's fine, but it'll be happenstance.

AlexanderDantes wrote:
That's true, it's about quality, being Autistic is something that allows you to date and you can date attractive women that don't have any disabilities if you set your mind to it.


Did you just say that autistic women are not quality women? I may have read that wrong.



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19 Jul 2014, 4:40 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
complaining helps get the frustration and depression out rather then keeping it built up inside.

Complaining validates one's feelings of injustice, but it's negative energy. And it's circular and self-defeating.

The Face of Boo wrote:
"No one, no one ever told them "stop whining" - no one. I only see this type responses said to males (by males and females), this is a fine example of "men don't cry"/"Be a man!" culture.

Chill out, Boo. I would say the same to a woman.


does that go for just guys wanting dates, or is it true for pows, people who have cancer, people who were wounded etc.

sometimes when people complain , what they are complaining about is a legit reason. I don't see how it is bad. humans are very compliantive.

I got double charged at the store yesterday so I had to go complain to the store and get it fixed.



Ann2011
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19 Jul 2014, 6:56 pm

sly279 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
complaining helps get the frustration and depression out rather then keeping it built up inside.

Complaining validates one's feelings of injustice, but it's negative energy. And it's circular and self-defeating.

does that go for just guys wanting dates, or is it true for pows, people who have cancer, people who were wounded etc.


That goes for everyone in every situation.

Quote:
sometimes when people complain , what they are complaining about is a legit reason. I don't see how it is bad. humans are very compliantive.

I got double charged at the store yesterday so I had to go complain to the store and get it fixed.

Both examples are of things that have legitimate reason for concern. But in the second a change can be affected by complaining about the error. Complaining that the characteristics of autism reduce one's likelihood of meeting a suitable partner is too much of a generalization.



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19 Jul 2014, 7:19 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:

No. But it's best not to spend too much time on things that are unproductive and self desteuctive. And disempowering yourself with negative and fatalistic thinking doesn't do any good.


Agreed.

Not to mention, any action a person repeats establishes a pattern, a habit. Once they've created a pattern of whining and blaming <anything but themselves> for their woes, it morphs into something even more negative. Over my lifetime I've seen a number of people go down that slippery slope. Better to get oneself in the habit of positivity, or the negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Yes however if someone excessively blames them-self for all of their woes even ones that really aren't their fault or that they had no control over, and constantly mentally beats them self up over it, that also causes unhealthy patterns that can make things difficult for an individual. I ended up doing the excessive self blame thing when I should have been acknowledging some of the outside factors effecting me and actions of other people that damaged me instead of always blaming myself and beating myself up over being too 'weak' to cope and even that being my fault for not just toughening up.

I do my best to try and look on the bright side where I can, but yeah admittedly with years of chronic depression and PTSD making me feel as though there is no possible future for me it can be much easier said than done....not to mention when I am attempting to enjoy myself but all the mental turmoil puts a damper on that so even when I am having what should be a good experience I can't seem to feel the positive feelings I should be feeling which makes it unpleasant.

At some point there has to be a balance between taking responsibility as well as acknowledging there are some things out of your control, that can cause lots of problems and obstacles in life.


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19 Jul 2014, 8:39 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
sly279 wrote:
complaining helps get the frustration and depression out rather then keeping it built up inside.

Complaining validates one's feelings of injustice, but it's negative energy. And it's circular and self-defeating.

does that go for just guys wanting dates, or is it true for pows, people who have cancer, people who were wounded etc.


That goes for everyone in every situation.

Quote:
sometimes when people complain , what they are complaining about is a legit reason. I don't see how it is bad. humans are very compliantive.

I got double charged at the store yesterday so I had to go complain to the store and get it fixed.

Both examples are of things that have legitimate reason for concern. But in the second a change can be affected by complaining about the error. Complaining that the characteristics of autism reduce one's likelihood of meeting a suitable partner is too much of a generalization.


I don't think the characteristics of autism effect my likelihood of meeting a partner. the words autism or aspergers does have a effect as does any disorder. being disable is seen as negative by society. the whole everyone is suppose to contribute but these people may not be able to as much so its bad. some of the characteristics will make certain parts of a relationship a bit harder but others bit easier.



sly279
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19 Jul 2014, 8:40 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Eureka13 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:

No. But it's best not to spend too much time on things that are unproductive and self desteuctive. And disempowering yourself with negative and fatalistic thinking doesn't do any good.


Agreed.

Not to mention, any action a person repeats establishes a pattern, a habit. Once they've created a pattern of whining and blaming <anything but themselves> for their woes, it morphs into something even more negative. Over my lifetime I've seen a number of people go down that slippery slope. Better to get oneself in the habit of positivity, or the negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Yes however if someone excessively blames them-self for all of their woes even ones that really aren't their fault or that they had no control over, and constantly mentally beats them self up over it, that also causes unhealthy patterns that can make things difficult for an individual. I ended up doing the excessive self blame thing when I should have been acknowledging some of the outside factors effecting me and actions of other people that damaged me instead of always blaming myself and beating myself up over being too 'weak' to cope and even that being my fault for not just toughening up.

I do my best to try and look on the bright side where I can, but yeah admittedly with years of chronic depression and PTSD making me feel as though there is no possible future for me it can be much easier said than done....not to mention when I am attempting to enjoy myself but all the mental turmoil puts a damper on that so even when I am having what should be a good experience I can't seem to feel the positive feelings I should be feeling which makes it unpleasant.

At some point there has to be a balance between taking responsibility as well as acknowledging there are some things out of your control, that can cause lots of problems and obstacles in life.


everyone I've talked to or gotten advice from says basically "always each persons fault." "never blame others" if you don't get a gf its your fault. couldn't be that the other person has faults that make her not want you or that she has different tastes, nope its the guys fault. same is for working always the employee's fault.



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20 Jul 2014, 4:42 am

Every woman who had a sexual interest (not necessarily romantic) toward me had asked me online about my dick's size at some point (and shoe's size if offline) ie."how big it is?".

So tarantella, this isn't all illusion in men's heads.



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20 Jul 2014, 2:38 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Every woman who had a sexual interest (not necessarily romantic) toward me had asked me online about my dick's size at some point (and shoe's size if offline) ie."how big it is?".

So tarantella, this isn't all illusion in men's heads.


similar. ask for size and picture.
I've read many women online who complain about how they want to dump their bf cause he has a average dick. but they feel bad, but aren't happy with the sex.