Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

leaning in relationships

Page 3 of 3 [ 39 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3

Previous topic | Next topic

Astro77
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2015
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 114
Location: Ohio

09 Dec 2015, 7:58 pm

cavernio wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
cavernio wrote:
I'm a woman who is, so far, only attracted to men. Furthermore, the nature of my disability is not one of merely not being able to do housework.

Besides which, if resentment builds in a relationship, then that means the person is not giving freely. It is not in my control whether or not that person feels absurd amounts of pressure, unless I am crossing their clearly defined boundaries with what I would be asking for, in which case that becomes abusive. If resentment builds that is an issue with them. And if they are not setting clear boundaries then how am I to actually know what they are?


It's not about setting boundaries that causes resentment--if you are putting more effort into a relationship than your partner is, you are going to start feeling resentment because the relationship is out of balance, with one person doing all the work and taking on all the responsibility and the other one not contributing. Relationships in which both partners are contributing equally are ones that are healthy. When the contribution to the relationship is unbalanced, the relationship is unhealthy. This isn't a complex concept.


But I don't see resentment as 100% going to happen in a relationship just because it might be unbalanced. Resentment is an emotion based on one's judgements and judgements are thoughts which we control. Just because you cannot understand how you could give more than you might get, doesn't mean that someone else might find fulfillment in a relationship that would be unbalanced work-wise.
To address this issue with boundaries which you think don't apply, what you have told me is that one of your rules is near-equal work distribution. Therefore, if your partner would continually ask you for more than what you think is fair, you would have to always be saying 'no'. Only if you didn't say 'no'/do the things that are asked, would resentment build. Only if your boundaries kept being ignored and the person kept pushing and pushing, would there be a problem.
The key here is that one of your boundaries involves not asking you to do more than around a 50/50 split of work. Not everyone's are going to be.


I can kind of see where you are coming from. What's important is that both people are satisfied and getting what they want out of the relationship. Maybe one person is "giving" more, but if they are still happy then it could work.



Idealist
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2015
Age: 37
Posts: 443
Location: Edinburgh

09 Dec 2015, 10:02 pm

cavernio wrote:
"I took an interpersonal communication class in college that was *extremely* helpful. Healthy relationships are "H" shaped, not "A" shaped. In an "A" shape, the two are leaning on each other and if one falls, the other falls. In "H" shaped relationships, each person stands on their own and meet in the middle. There's one other shape that is not healthy (can't remember the letter) where one person is leaning on the other."


Hmm...

I'm bisexual and polyamorous, I wonder if my relationship track would be a lot of M's (men) and W's (women) stacked closely together and going off in a long line. :D


_________________
Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, but the last step on the path to salvation.

Idealist wrote:
My Autism was cured/treated in late childhood (this makes me a walking, talking, contradiction to 90% of the Forum who all believe Autism is incurable)


Drawyer
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 May 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,860
Location: Away

10 Dec 2015, 4:02 am

I don't like to lean on anyone..for a n y t h i n g....
Whenever I face hard times, I need to be alone more than ever before.
I felt whenever I leaned on someone, my burden seemed heavier, so I stopped leaning since I could remember.

But I found someone who leaned on me seemed to make me feel warm inside..
so I thought it's not bad thing to lean on someone sometimes..
Actually I'm thinking that I need to learn how to lean on someone.


_________________
"Embrace the glorious mess that you are."


cavernio
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Aug 2012
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,462

10 Dec 2015, 9:03 am

I think I've found another reason than simply who does the most work in sustaining the relationship/lives of the people involved. I think when there's an 'A' shape, it implies more than just leaning on someone, it implies a joining of goals, motives, personalities, etc. Which outwardly seems great, but you can lose your sense of self to a relationship.

I struggle in general with maintaining a sense of self. Every relationship I've been in I've 'stuck' a part of my personality onto theirs, I change who I am and in the process lose part of myself. I automatically do this, it's not conscious at all, and when I've been alone I will often let other people control my life anyways, like parents goals for me, or if there's no one I will literally spend days in bed. It's all tied into a loss of sense of self for me.

This article sums up pretty much exactly what happened in my most recent relationship, picture me diving in head-first, putting myself on my partner who couldn't really tell me what was wrong only that he exhibited all the signs and growing stress that the article brings up, and who himself has a very strong sense of self.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me ... e-yourself


No wilburforce, I do not think we have the same relationship experience at all. I'm a broken person who ends up making broken relationships. I have just found a new way to describe my own depression that I've had for 15 years; hidden sense of self. It's astounding I had enough sense of being to have fallen in love; talk about the right place at the right time!


_________________
Not autistic, I think
Prone to depression
Have celiac disease
Poor motivation


rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

10 Dec 2015, 2:02 pm

cavernio wrote:
I think I've found another reason than simply who does the most work in sustaining the relationship/lives of the people involved. I think when there's an 'A' shape, it implies more than just leaning on someone, it implies a joining of goals, motives, personalities, etc. Which outwardly seems great, but you can lose your sense of self to a relationship.


I would assume that would be a 'H' shape. :wink: Because in the 'H' shape people are expected to be equal, no leaning and the "two-become-one concept" which I think is rather NT.

I'm in a 'A' shape marriage, but I certainly have not joined anything. I have my private self, but that doesn't mean I can't lean on my partner, or allow her to be dependent on me. In fact, unequal contribution kind of presumes you have not joined "into one". Basically, things typically develop by one of the partners taking some responsibility that he/she is best suited for. Then the other partner depends on him/her doing that task. That doesn't need to mean the task cannot be taken over by the other again.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

10 Dec 2015, 4:30 pm

cavernio wrote:
I think I've found another reason than simply who does the most work in sustaining the relationship/lives of the people involved. I think when there's an 'A' shape, it implies more than just leaning on someone, it implies a joining of goals, motives, personalities, etc. Which outwardly seems great, but you can lose your sense of self to a relationship.

I struggle in general with maintaining a sense of self. Every relationship I've been in I've 'stuck' a part of my personality onto theirs, I change who I am and in the process lose part of myself. I automatically do this, it's not conscious at all, and when I've been alone I will often let other people control my life anyways, like parents goals for me, or if there's no one I will literally spend days in bed. It's all tied into a loss of sense of self for me.

This article sums up pretty much exactly what happened in my most recent relationship, picture me diving in head-first, putting myself on my partner who couldn't really tell me what was wrong only that he exhibited all the signs and growing stress that the article brings up, and who himself has a very strong sense of self.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me ... e-yourself


No wilburforce, I do not think we have the same relationship experience at all. I'm a broken person who ends up making broken relationships. I have just found a new way to describe my own depression that I've had for 15 years; hidden sense of self. It's astounding I had enough sense of being to have fallen in love; talk about the right place at the right time!


Hmm well I suppose I don't really feel I have much trouble maintaining a sense of self in a relationship, even with shared goals and motives. And well some changes are positive, having been in a relationship for a few months now I have noticed differences but nothing negative so I think if anything we influence each other in a positive way whilst still maintaining our own identities, though we had a lot of similarities to begin with. I do not feel at all that I'm losing myself in the relationship.


_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.


wilburforce
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,940

10 Dec 2015, 4:33 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
cavernio wrote:
I think I've found another reason than simply who does the most work in sustaining the relationship/lives of the people involved. I think when there's an 'A' shape, it implies more than just leaning on someone, it implies a joining of goals, motives, personalities, etc. Which outwardly seems great, but you can lose your sense of self to a relationship.

I struggle in general with maintaining a sense of self. Every relationship I've been in I've 'stuck' a part of my personality onto theirs, I change who I am and in the process lose part of myself. I automatically do this, it's not conscious at all, and when I've been alone I will often let other people control my life anyways, like parents goals for me, or if there's no one I will literally spend days in bed. It's all tied into a loss of sense of self for me.

This article sums up pretty much exactly what happened in my most recent relationship, picture me diving in head-first, putting myself on my partner who couldn't really tell me what was wrong only that he exhibited all the signs and growing stress that the article brings up, and who himself has a very strong sense of self.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me ... e-yourself


No wilburforce, I do not think we have the same relationship experience at all. I'm a broken person who ends up making broken relationships. I have just found a new way to describe my own depression that I've had for 15 years; hidden sense of self. It's astounding I had enough sense of being to have fallen in love; talk about the right place at the right time!


Hmm well I suppose I don't really feel I have much trouble maintaining a sense of self in a relationship, even with shared goals and motives. And well some changes are positive, having been in a relationship for a few months now I have noticed differences but nothing negative so I think if anything we influence each other in a positive way whilst still maintaining our own identities, though we had a lot of similarities to begin with. I do not feel at all that I'm losing myself in the relationship.


I would describe myself as similar to you in relationships--my partner and I can influence each other in positive ways, but I never feel like it's changing my identity or anything like that. I am always me; I grow and learn and adapt with my experiences, certainly, but I am always me and have a strong sense of who I am.