Extreme Anxiety Around Dating?

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It's easy and goes both ways. It's all in the eye contact behavior. When NDs are asked about who they look at, most will answer "people I like", while NTs look at those they talk to. Also, when NDs are asked how they prefer to get to know somebody, most NDs will say "by observation", and most NTs will say "by conversation", yet most NDs are still involved in dating, which makes no sense.

A typical neurotypical woman has almost a sixth sense for sensing whether people are attracted to each other. They can spot the most subtle changes in body languages, which us Aspies generally fail to pick up.




Flirting is all about rhythm and nuance.
Flirting is all about making eye contact just long enough to be noticed but not so long it gets creepy.
Flirting is all about coming across are interested but not so interested you come off as a stalker.
Flirting is a kind of a mating ritual of the mind, where you take steps forward at the right time for the other to take a step backward and vice versa.

It comes natural to most "neurotypical" people, but for us it requires almost supernatural powers to mimic it.

Only regarding other NTs. They typically have no idea when NDs flirt with other NDs, rather they miss this completely.



Nope, that's only for NTs.



Nope, that's just a good self-defense so you don't creep NTs out.



Nope, that's just a good self-defense so you don't creep NTs out.



Has no relevance unless you are hunting NTs. The natural ND mating ritual is INNATE in NDs, so they can do it without any learning. What stops people from doing it the natural way are preconceived notions about how it is expected to work (for NTs).



No reason to mimic anything unless you are hunting NTs.

There comes a point though where someone has to make a move. They can't just observe each other FOREVER. That's not a relationship.

That's true. But it doesn't need to happen very fast. A few months is not a problem. A few years might be a problem, depending on how desperate you are.

Besides, it's really up to the girl how long it takes until the guy builds up confidence enough to take it further. If the girl thinks she has no role in it, then it will indeed take forever.

Yeah but if I don't think the guy is interested (even if he is) then I'm not going to make a fool of myself trying to get the attention of some one who every one else, but me, knows I have no hope with

How sad and pathetic would that be.

How the hell is the woman supposed to know the guy is interested if she doesn't know?. You can't say it's the woman who decides when it moves forward when that isn't the case. He has to do something too. I'm not a f*****g mind reader

None of us are.

Again, that's your opinion on the matter, and that's valid. But out in the world, where society operates and peddles it's influence, most people have been trained to move much quicker than a few months (or gasp! years) for a move to be made. Especially females that are concerned with reproduction-- their fertile years are very finite. It has nothing to do with desperation and everything to do with biological reality.


Well see here's the thing, most men will pursue further without a females permission, assuming the female will tell him when he's pushed too far-- I claim cultural training on this issue, but others may claim male nature. If a female assumes she's getting nowhere she'll move on to someone who will go somewhere with her, since that's the behavior she's been trained to see (or born with if you believe it's instinctual). Yes, your mating strategy can work, it's just not near as successful as actually going out, putting yourself on the line, and seeing where it goes.

If both don't know there is mutual interest, then you are not in the observation phase. You will know there is mutual interest either if you repeatedly are engaged in the eye-contact "game", or if you were not in shared activities, and both of you are trying to meet each others in some way. Also, if you insist on "asking out" when you know there is mutual interest, then you will skip the observation phase, and most probably destroy the possibility of a relationship even if both of you are NDs. That's because dating and matching interests is not compatible with neurodiversity, and the probability of a positive outcome of dating done in the typical way is very low. The outcome of the observation phase has a very high success rate (if the people involved are doing their parts), so you don't need to do that repeatedly, and it's not a "big-number-game".



The reason the woman has an important role in the observation phase is because the guy is blocked from making contact, and even understanding what is going on as it happens. The guy can get over the approach block by acknowledging that the woman has done her part, but he can't fool the system (succeeded with it twice and failed with it twice, so I know it works that way). Once the guy is no longer blocked, he can make contact in a more traditional way, or do his own show-off.

rdos you'd don't half talk a load of mince. These theories are all in your head.

Still, I know some women engaged in this 40 years ago, 25 years ago, and some women actually still do. The rules of society really don't matter in this regard as it is a hard-coded preference in NDs. Sure, many have bought the cultural view, but when their natural preferences are triggered, they will still engage in it. Especially if they have a long history of failed dating.



It's the nature of NTs, and our culture is enforcing the nature of NTs.



Not so sure about that. First, you need to define what "successful" means. My definition of successful would be a long-term relationship, and not a few dates or a short-lived fling. Second, we need to measure success in relation to NDs that have these preferences, and that naturally would not do dating and would be highly uncomfortable with approaching somebody and asking for a date.

As I wrote above, the success rate of dating is very low, even if both people are NDs, and it's even lower when many NDs will not even have the courage to ask for a date. Additionally, the success rate of the ND approach is very high if both parties do their part of it. Thus, even if NDs would get more dates, it's not a given that dating would be more successful. We also need to calculate with the issue that repeated rejection in dating has a high risk of people giving up on ever getting into a relationship.

I think not. First, they are based on personal experience and interactions with women. Second, the preferences themselves have been tested for ND relevance in Aspie Quiz using large populations, and all of them are relevant and linked.

Just to compare the success rates, I have two definite successes with the "observation method", one definite failure (girl didn't do her part), and one which I would define as uncertain (it could have worked given more time or knowledge). That's more than 50% success rate. Never done dating, so cannot compare to that, but given previous accounts, dating only has a few percent of success rate.

Also, basically every time I've had a crush on a girl, it has resulted in a try of the observation method. So the low number of cases is connected to a low number of crushes.