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Can you help who you fall for?

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Sweetleaf
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08 Jul 2016, 3:00 pm

314pe wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
What do you think? Can you control who you fall for or does it just happen?

Of course we control it, that's why people usually fall for someone similar to them rather than someone unreachable like a movie star or a fictional character.


And how often are you even going to meet a movie star or fictional character to fall for? I think it's more most people don't meet movie stars to fall for them and you're likely not going to meet a fictional character either, not so much people control who they fall for. But I also think meeting in person is a pre-requisite necessary to fall for them.


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Sweetleaf
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08 Jul 2016, 3:13 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
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Certainly. If you are a shut in who never sees anyone--you won't fall for anyone.
I disagree. I don't fall in love with anyone I date. I respect them as a person, I try to give them a good dating/relationship experience out of common decency on my part, but I don't "fall in love" with them.

I've fallen in love only twice in my whole life. First time was in high school, with a girl who agreed to have dinner with me, then broke our first date when I told her I didn't have a car; it took me some time to fall out of love with her. Second time was in college, with a girl who agreed to date me even after I told her I didn't have a car; despite her being plain-looking and boring to be around, I was still in love with her for the entire duration of our relationship.

After that, nope, never fell in love again ever since. It's been 15 years so far.


Doesn't sound like you actually ever fell in love with that college girl....people don't regard someone they've fallen in love with as 'boring to be around and plain looking'(even if they are plain looking). though people will speak of an S.O they settled for that way. Sounds like you were in love with the idea of having a girlfriend...but not so much in love with that specific girlfriend.


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Bridgette77
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08 Jul 2016, 3:26 pm

You can't help who you develop feelings for, but you can control what you do with those feelings. Once you decide to pursue those feelings however, all bets are off! Once the fall starts in my opinion, there's no stopping it, as I found out!



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08 Jul 2016, 3:37 pm

rdos wrote:
At least for me, that lacks a dimension. The first step in "falling in love" is an infatuation. For me, getting an infatuation doesn't require me to know anything about the girl. Rather, it appears to be triggered by a specific pattern (girl in front of guy), and it has no connection to lust. I can decide if I want to keep or get rid of an infatuation, which is why I can avoid falling in love with somebody. The last step is attachment. It's typically built with obsessive thoughts, and it does require knowing a little about the girl, but not much.
Other than two failed romances at age 18, I never experienced any of these things. I wasn't even in love with my girlfriend 3 years ago, but given how she treated me, it's not unreasonable. Any time I had warm feelings toward a woman, it was after extensively evaluating her threat level to me and my lifestyle; and even then, it still wasn't love I felt.

Heck, I have an easier time getting infatuated with escorts I visit, than with anyone I dated romantically. Early on, I preferred emotionally warm, affectionate types, that I feel relaxed around, like the women NT guys date. Starting around 2010, as I got more comfortable with the process, I developed appreciation for playfully aggressive, feisty types, that I can banter and make dirty jokes with, the ones I'd find intimidating 5 years prior. But from the very beginning up until now, I always knew to control my emotions with the precision of a supercomputer.



rdos
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08 Jul 2016, 3:47 pm

Bridgette77 wrote:
You can't help who you develop feelings for, but you can control what you do with those feelings. Once you decide to pursue those feelings however, all bets are off! Once the fall starts in my opinion, there's no stopping it, as I found out!


That's true. Once you decide to pursue it, it appears to get out of control once more. You might think you can stop obsessing with them, but you really can't, even if it appears to be all within your control.



rdos
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08 Jul 2016, 3:54 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
,Other than two failed romances at age 18, I never experienced any of these things. I wasn't even in love with my girlfriend 3 years ago, but given how she treated me, it's not unreasonable. Any time I had warm feelings toward a woman, it was after extensively evaluating her threat level to me and my lifestyle; and even then, it still wasn't love I felt.

Heck, I have an easier time getting infatuated with escorts I visit, than with anyone I dated romantically.


I don't think I can get infatuated with dating. I never was in love with the girl I met in a context that is similar to today's online dating. We had a short relationship, but even if it had lasted, I might have gotten fond of her, and attached, but I'd never be infatuated and truly in love.



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08 Jul 2016, 6:52 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Doesn't sound like you actually ever fell in love with that college girl....people don't regard someone they've fallen in love with as 'boring to be around and plain looking'(even if they are plain looking). though people will speak of an S.O they settled for that way. Sounds like you were in love with the idea of having a girlfriend...but not so much in love with that specific girlfriend.
Well, now that you put it that way, if I met her today, I probably would want nothing to do with her, at least in the romantic sense. Then again, she'd be boring as a friend too, unlike the women I'm friends with now. So I'd be respectful toward her as a classmate and leave it at that.

But realize that I'm talking about her retroactively---and back then, I really did feel a combination of being in love and resentment. In fact, I ended up having this internal dialog. My emotional side would complain about how unattractive and boring she is, while my rational side would tell me to stop complaining and be thankful somebody finally likes me. So looking back, I'm guessing you're right.



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08 Jul 2016, 8:05 pm

I think I could of fallen in love with most anyone who would be interested in me but 1ce I love someone I cant stop even after the relationship ends. I can accept it's over but I still love em. I have a celeb crush I fell in love with when I was single & I still really love her even thou I got a girlfriend who I love just as much.


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Bridgette77
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09 Jul 2016, 1:17 am

rdos wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
You can't help who you develop feelings for, but you can control what you do with those feelings. Once you decide to pursue those feelings however, all bets are off! Once the fall starts in my opinion, there's no stopping it, as I found out!


That's true. Once you decide to pursue it, it appears to get out of control once more. You might think you can stop obsessing with them, but you really can't, even if it appears to be all within your control.



Exactly Rdos! Then you find out, it's nowhere near within your control! It's a runaway train, and you got two choices, to roll with it, or go mad! It's easier to roll with it, and see where it goes. Well, it was for me, anyway. :D



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09 Jul 2016, 1:24 am

Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.



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09 Jul 2016, 1:34 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.


Last sentence is false.


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Bridgette77
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09 Jul 2016, 1:48 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.


I'm going to partially agree with you. Fantacies and movies have nothing to do with whether or not you can control who you fall for. I am a realist, therefore, I don't believe in fairytales, because they are traps that kill relationships, and make people put each other in to unrealistic lights having high, unrealistic expectations. That been said, when you find that certain one, that attraction can be so strong, and undeniable, that you cannot ignore it, and you have to follow it, or it will literally haunt you. I'm not talking about the creepy/stalker type, but the healthy, this could be the one, type, so I need to try and make an effort. Before I ended up with the one I am with now, I decided to be alone for a long while, for reasons I won't get into, so, when my attraction for him hit me, I wasn't prepared for it, and I did all I could to shut it down. Needless to say, it wasn't happening. Anyhow, I will agree with your last part. "Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow." Obviously. I mean, you're not going to grow feelings for someone you don't want. But what I'm saying is, when you really feel something strong enough for someone, you can't shut it down. :-)



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09 Jul 2016, 1:59 am

Bridgette77 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.


I'm going to partially agree with you. Fantacies and movies have nothing to do with whether or not you can control who you fall for. I am a realist, therefore, I don't believe in fairytales, because they are traps that kill relationships, and make people put each other in to unrealistic lights having high, unrealistic expectations. That been said, when you find that certain one, that attraction can be so strong, and undeniable, that you cannot ignore it, and you have to follow it, or it will literally haunt you. I'm not talking about the creepy/stalker type, but the healthy, this could be the one, type, so I need to try and make an effort. Before I ended up with the one I am with now, I decided to be alone for a long while, for reasons I won't get into, so, when my attraction for him hit me, I wasn't prepared for it, and I did all I could to shut it down. Needless to say, it wasn't happening. Anyhow, I will agree with your last part. "Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow." Obviously. I mean, you're not going to grow feelings for someone you don't want. But what I'm saying is, when you really feel something strong enough for someone, you can't shut it down. :-)


I agree with this 100%



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09 Jul 2016, 2:04 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.


No I don't agree. It's not about fantasies. You spend time with this real person doing mundane things and you begin to see who they are and what their personality is, how they interact with other people, and they tell you what they think about things and they respond to what you say and you realise that you like this person. You realise that over time you like them more. You want to talk to them more, you want to listen to them more. You enjoy who they are.

Just being around them and interacting with them makes the feelings grow.



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09 Jul 2016, 2:09 am

hurtloam wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.


No I don't agree. It's not about fantasies. You spend time with this real person doing mundane things and you begin to see who they are and what their personality is, how they interact with other people, and they tell you what they think about things and they respond to what you say and you realise that you like this person. You realise that over time you like them more. You want to talk to them more, you want to listen to them more. You enjoy who they are.

Just being around them and interacting with them makes the feelings grow.


Yes, exactly!



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09 Jul 2016, 9:57 am

hurtloam wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Yes, it is all controlable if you don't give in fantasies fed from stories and movies.

Even if it grows with time, you make it grow because you want him; otherwise it won't grow.


No I don't agree. It's not about fantasies. You spend time with this real person doing mundane things and you begin to see who they are and what their personality is, how they interact with other people, and they tell you what they think about things and they respond to what you say and you realise that you like this person. You realise that over time you like them more. You want to talk to them more, you want to listen to them more. You enjoy who they are.

Just being around them and interacting with them makes the feelings grow.



No no, I disagree :p- you choose to make it grow because you found this person attactive from the very moment you met him, and you would be like "He's hot..." then while doing mundane things with him etc etc you would be like "... oh, and he's nice and has talents too, interesting...", in other term you seek for other good qualities in him to make it grow.

Otherwise, if falling requires only frequent interaction with people then you would be falling for 10 persons at least at the same time.
Your mind biasedly is seeing one's good qualities.