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Why do we struggle with romance?

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sly279
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23 May 2018, 8:59 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
rdos wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.


Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.


In my experience, checklists too often are barriers to relationships. Like an avoidance tool. Most of the time they should get thrown out.


I think as it seems from my experience is most women would rather be single for the rest of their life then date a guy who doesn’t meet all checklist. Love died and was replaced with business partnerships. It’s all about what the other person has, gives or will have or give one day.



auntblabby
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23 May 2018, 9:06 pm

some of us just don't got the romance genes. :alien:



rdos
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24 May 2018, 4:59 am

sly279 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
rdos wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.


Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.


In my experience, checklists too often are barriers to relationships. Like an avoidance tool. Most of the time they should get thrown out.


I think as it seems from my experience is most women would rather be single for the rest of their life then date a guy who doesn’t meet all checklist. Love died and was replaced with business partnerships. It’s all about what the other person has, gives or will have or give one day.


That's possible, but the claim was that if a woman got attached to somebody, then the checklist no longer would matter. Something I think is accurate from personal experience. In fact, men might do the same. However, the problem is "if they get attached".



sly279
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24 May 2018, 8:47 pm

rdos wrote:
sly279 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
rdos wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.


Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.


In my experience, checklists too often are barriers to relationships. Like an avoidance tool. Most of the time they should get thrown out.


I think as it seems from my experience is most women would rather be single for the rest of their life then date a guy who doesn’t meet all checklist. Love died and was replaced with business partnerships. It’s all about what the other person has, gives or will have or give one day.


That's possible, but the claim was that if a woman got attached to somebody, then the checklist no longer would matter. Something I think is accurate from personal experience. In fact, men might do the same. However, the problem is "if they get attached".


But that’s a catch 22. In order to get attached to someone they have to thrown out the checklist first. If they won’t date a guy who doesn’t meat it they’ll never get attached to him to throw it out.



sly279
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25 May 2018, 12:54 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:

Unattractive for marriage but it doesn't really matter to someone who is not interested in marriage. The trick is finding people who aren't interested in marriage and click with you on other levels. Or that have enough of their own money and really don't care about your financial situation.

I have a relative who is highly impaired and has been in a long term relationship for over a decade now with a man who is even more impaired. No jobs. No cars. They keep each other company and the families make sure their basic needs are met. They're happy.

Life can find its way around most superficial barriers when the conditions are right. But it can't get you out of your own way. That part you have to do. That is my biggest frustration on this board: posters who are building brick walls around themselves and can't be convinced to stop.



Never said marriage. Just relationships, most women won’t want a guy who can’t afford middle class lifestyle. I’ve heard it over and over just from women on this forum that most women and them, don’t want a guy who can’t afford their lifestyle.

I’m poor I’ll always be poor. If I keep a job it’ll be part time min wage. I’ll be on disability until I die or get kicked off due to cuts. What woman will date a guy like me? Women with that much money want men with same amount of money, I’ve heard over and over how women dislike mooches. It’s all about status. You hear of rich men dating poor women, but never rich women dating poor men.

I don’t see that happening for me, my generation women wants to date up not equal. I’ve been rejected by women same or worse off then me. Female aspies here say they won’t date male aspies or males on disability.

I’m 30 and never had a gf, never had a second date. And last 5idh Year’s never had a 1st date. I’ve gotten a few women who just mess with me for fun by messaging for few weeks only to so actually I do find you ugly and your too poor for me after first saying they didn’t.

How am I building a wall by being rejected my every single woman I’ve tried asking out?
I dont know what I can do when I get rejected for my job and life status? There’s no free site for people like me(ironic since people like me can’t afford it, here’s a site for dirt poor people on disability only cost you $50 a month :roll: )



rdos
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25 May 2018, 2:08 pm

sly279 wrote:
But that’s a catch 22. In order to get attached to someone they have to thrown out the checklist first. If they won’t date a guy who doesn’t meat it they’ll never get attached to him to throw it out.


Sure, it's a catch 22 for dating, but then you can get to know a girl without asking her for a date. She could get to like you at some activity, and then she might consider you as a bf without ever having checked her requirements list. Things like that happen, you know. :D



sly279
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25 May 2018, 5:32 pm

rdos wrote:
sly279 wrote:
But that’s a catch 22. In order to get attached to someone they have to thrown out the checklist first. If they won’t date a guy who doesn’t meat it they’ll never get attached to him to throw it out.


Sure, it's a catch 22 for dating, but then you can get to know a girl without asking her for a date. She could get to like you at some activity, and then she might consider you as a bf without ever having checked her requirements list. Things like that happen, you know. :D


Peoplewont be my friends for the same checklist. I’ve never had a female friend in person ever



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30 May 2018, 6:20 pm

sly279 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
rdos wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.


Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.


In my experience, checklists too often are barriers to relationships. Like an avoidance tool. Most of the time they should get thrown out.


I think as it seems from my experience is most women would rather be single for the rest of their life then date a guy who doesn’t meet all checklist. Love died and was replaced with business partnerships. It’s all about what the other person has, gives or will have or give one day.


Again, avoidance tools. When women expect too much it is often because their subconscious knows they aren't in the right life space for a relationship. You have to remember that the result of being in a relationship for women is different than it is for men; it can interfere with a lot of things we might need to do for ourselves and by ourselves (it can for men, too, but it's still, well, just different). So if there are a lot of those bridges left to cross, women can be a little at war with themselves, wanting a relationship but also knowing in the back of their heads that having one wouldn't actually be the best choice.

I played that game with myself for over a decade, not that I knew it at the time. It's good being on the other side and realizing that my life path actually went the way it needed to, and seeing how my own subconscious drove so much more than I knew.

Unfortunately for guys like you, more and more women are in life phases that go better without men in them. Its cutting back the pool of women to date. I don't think the driving force is economics, I think its social, driven mostly by what women lose when in relationships, even if they aren't consciously aware of it.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


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30 May 2018, 7:00 pm

Jamesy wrote:
Why do we struggle with romance? Why do us guys on the spectrum find it awkward/anxiety provoking talking too women? Also why do we struggle with romantic relationships compared too the average person?
Because we (some of us, anyway) are always asking "Why?" There is no need to understand everything about relationships. Women are not meant to be understood. Instead, they are meant to be loved.



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01 Jun 2018, 10:24 pm

sly279 wrote:
I’m poor I’ll always be poor. If I keep a job it’ll be part time min wage. I’ll be on disability until I die or get kicked off due to cuts. What woman will date a guy like me? Women with that much money want men with same amount of money, I’ve heard over and over how women dislike mooches. It’s all about status. You hear of rich men dating poor women, but never rich women dating poor men.

I don’t see that happening for me, my generation women wants to date up not equal. I’ve been rejected by women same or worse off then me. Female aspies here say they won’t date male aspies or males on disability.

I’m 30 and never had a gf, never had a second date. And last 5idh Year’s never had a 1st date. I’ve gotten a few women who just mess with me for fun by messaging for few weeks only to so actually I do find you ugly and your too poor for me after first saying they didn’t.

How am I building a wall by being rejected my every single woman I’ve tried asking out?
I dont know what I can do when I get rejected for my job and life status? There’s no free site for people like me(ironic since people like me can’t afford it, here’s a site for dirt poor people on disability only cost you $50 a month :roll: )



A couple of things:


1. Men and women can both be mooches. Nobody likes being taken advantage of. People that let other people walk all over them, do it for a variety of reasons, including, but not limited to: loneliness, desperation, and lack of self-worth. Also, just because you are poor, doesn't always make you a mooch.

2. Social status has little to do with getting dates. If it did, a large percentage of the population would be single for life. Real life isn't always like the movies. ;)

3. Being rejected sucks. Just because you get rejected, doesn't mean you should give up, though. I have seen the so called "alpha males" get rejected numerous times before finding someone. The only difference, is that when they get rejected, they just laugh it off, and it's right back to business as usual.

4. From what I have learned, attitude, self-confidence, and social awareness/ettiquette plays a bigger part in attracting women, than social status, and even other things. Judging by some of your posts, it seems that you are putting of a depressed, self-pity, and lack of self-confidence vibe (trust me, I have been there, so I understand), which is what is most likely turning women off.



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02 Jun 2018, 4:30 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
From the get go we view relationships from a very immature standpoint, but unlike others it can take considerably longer to re-calibrate how we think about relationships.

I don't think Aspies struggle with romance, though. Romance in itself can be fairly innocent and simple. But realising that romance, and in a healthy way...yeah that can be a problem. We are obsessives.


SilverStar wrote:
Relationships require good social skills, common interests, caring, understanding, and confidence...and Aspies usually aren't good at those things.

When it comes to getting romantic partners, Aspie women usually have it a little better than Aspie guys, because being socially awkward, shy, quirky, etc., are generally overlooked in favor of physical appearance (at least in the beginning of the relationship). Although Aspie women may get more partners, many seem to get involved in mentally and/or physically abusive relationships. So, that being said, neither really does great in the romance department.


I wish that we had a like button on this site.

I'm 51 and only now my eyes have been opened to my immature way of dealing with life. I feel very bad for my ex-husband and my children.

Getting dates is no problem, although I've stopped dating for the moment. But developing a strong, healthy, monogamous relationship is quite a different thing altogether.

Online dating was consistently dehumanzing for me. People treat one another so badly, and although I'm naive in many ways, I'm not stupid. I'm also not cruel and I don't date to entertain myself or use people.

I see online sites as little more than escort services, and I didn't like how that made me feel.



sly279
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02 Jun 2018, 6:11 pm

auntblabby wrote:
some of us just don't got the romance genes. :alien:

But I’m very romantic. Female friends have said I’d make a great bf in that sense.



sly279
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02 Jun 2018, 6:14 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
sly279 wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
rdos wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.


Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.


In my experience, checklists too often are barriers to relationships. Like an avoidance tool. Most of the time they should get thrown out.


I think as it seems from my experience is most women would rather be single for the rest of their life then date a guy who doesn’t meet all checklist. Love died and was replaced with business partnerships. It’s all about what the other person has, gives or will have or give one day.


Again, avoidance tools. When women expect too much it is often because their subconscious knows they aren't in the right life space for a relationship. You have to remember that the result of being in a relationship for women is different than it is for men; it can interfere with a lot of things we might need to do for ourselves and by ourselves (it can for men, too, but it's still, well, just different). So if there are a lot of those bridges left to cross, women can be a little at war with themselves, wanting a relationship but also knowing in the back of their heads that having one wouldn't actually be the best choice.

I played that game with myself for over a decade, not that I knew it at the time. It's good being on the other side and realizing that my life path actually went the way it needed to, and seeing how my own subconscious drove so much more than I knew.

Unfortunately for guys like you, more and more women are in life phases that go better without men in them. Its cutting back the pool of women to date. I don't think the driving force is economics, I think its social, driven mostly by what women lose when in relationships, even if they aren't consciously aware of it.


Then why do hey end up with guys who meet their checklist, no it’s just they want a well off guy. Check list is all about mans social and economical status. His job, car, home etc
They want to date they just don’t want to date poor men



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02 Jun 2018, 6:24 pm

sly279 wrote:
Lack of well paid job and car is it for me. I don’t and will never have my life together, a lot of other aspie men won’t either. It’s pretty universally unattractive according to society


I'll still vouch with you saying it's the social environment more or less.



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03 Jun 2018, 12:48 am

sly279 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
some of us just don't got the romance genes. :alien:

But I’m very romantic. Female friends have said I’d make a great bf in that sense.

too bad none of those female friends bothered to at least put in a good word about you with at least one of their friends.



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03 Jun 2018, 5:12 am

How many of us are good at even forming close friendships? The people I know apart from maybe 2 are just acquaintances. It's difficult to bond with other humans. I don't know why. I just don't feel a connection to anyone. It's all just forced effort. Nothing ever comes naturally to me.

It's the same with relationships. Even when I get along well with someone I can never move it past being acquaintances and they never want to have anything more.

It's all a mystery to me how anyone gets together.