25 May 2018, 4:03 pm
goldfish21 wrote:
This entire post is weird, IMO.
.
This entire thread is weird, IMO.
I know it's a completely different situation and can't really be compared but you get threads about posters wanting partners and kids and 99% of the time it's positive info on how to go about it.
Then you get a thread about someone not ready to have kids and their GF is and it turns into , your GF sounds manipulative and will trap you - check your condoms , monitor her birth control or better still run for the hills while you still can
( no offense meant to anyone who suggested this , you can only go on your past experiences )
goldfish21
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25 May 2018, 4:14 pm
SaveFerris wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
This entire post is weird, IMO.
.
This entire thread is weird, IMO.
I know it's a completely different situation and can't really be compared but you get threads about posters wanting partners and kids and 99% of the time it's positive info on how to go about it.
Then you get a thread about someone not ready to have kids and their GF is and it turns into , your GF sounds manipulative and will trap you - check your condoms , monitor her birth control or better still run for the hills while you still can
( no offense meant to anyone who suggested this , you can only go on your past experiences )I really don't think that's weird at all. From the information the OP has shared, all of those responses are entirely justified, IMO. We also don't know the OP in person and have no idea what his real world functioning level is.. and this whole thing just smacks of someone trying to take lifelong advantage of an Autistic person they see as an easy mark to use in order to fulfill their agenda of procreating & staying in his country with their family.
I don't mean to imply that the OP is "simple," or an "idiot," but that's how I see this entire scenario.. that the woman & her mother see him this way and are manipulating him to get what they want.
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.
25 May 2018, 4:26 pm
SaveFerris wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
This entire post is weird, IMO.
.
This entire thread is weird, IMO.
I know it's a completely different situation and can't really be compared but you get threads about posters wanting partners and kids and 99% of the time it's positive info on how to go about it.
Then you get a thread about someone not ready to have kids and their GF is and it turns into , your GF sounds manipulative and will trap you - check your condoms , monitor her birth control or better still run for the hills while you still can
( no offense meant to anyone who suggested this , you can only go on your past experiences )Concindentially, the advice we are giving OP in the end is the same we give to people looking for partners: have a backbone. You are free not to follow it though.
25 May 2018, 4:28 pm
Maybe my problem is I see the good in everyone 
25 May 2018, 4:32 pm
Peacesells wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
This entire post is weird, IMO.
.
This entire thread is weird, IMO.
I know it's a completely different situation and can't really be compared but you get threads about posters wanting partners and kids and 99% of the time it's positive info on how to go about it.
Then you get a thread about someone not ready to have kids and their GF is and it turns into , your GF sounds manipulative and will trap you - check your condoms , monitor her birth control or better still run for the hills while you still can
( no offense meant to anyone who suggested this , you can only go on your past experiences )Concindentially, the advice we are giving OP in the end is the same we give to people looking for partners: have a backbone. You are free not to follow it though.
IMO this thread has turned into a conspiracy about the OP's GF but I do tend to see things differently
25 May 2018, 4:36 pm
SaveFerris wrote:
IMO this thread has turned into a conspiracy about the OP's GF but I do tend to see things differently
No wonder you're on this forum.
goldfish21
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25 May 2018, 4:37 pm
SaveFerris wrote:
Maybe my problem is I see the good in everyone
And that might make you an easy mark for someone looking to take advantage of you, too. Hopefully if that ever happens, you also have several people looking out for your best interest and giving you sound advice.
_________________
No
for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.25 May 2018, 4:40 pm
25 May 2018, 6:09 pm
kraftiekortie wrote:
Don't have any kid you don't want to have.
The OP clearly wants a kid but not yet , if he waits 5 years he may miss the boat ( in reality pregnancy doesn't happen on the first go later in life , it can take years of trying ) .
I realise that people are looking after the OP's best interest as we have all been hurt in one way or another but there is a cynical attitude here. Maybe I'm just being provocative without realising it as I'm the only one with this view
25 May 2018, 6:14 pm
25 May 2018, 6:36 pm
SaveFerris wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Don't have any kid you don't want to have.
The OP clearly wants a kid but not yet , if he waits 5 years he may miss the boat ( in reality pregnancy doesn't happen on the first go later in life , it can take years of trying ) .
I realise that people are looking after the OP's best interest as we have all been hurt in one way or another but there is a cynical attitude here. Maybe I'm just being provocative without realising it as I'm the only one with this view
Making a kid is huge. It's an actual person with wants and needs. No one should embark on such a journey until they're ready.
Once he makes a baby, he's tied to the mother for at least 18 years. A child should be a celebration, not an obligation.
If the OP wants to jump in the deep end, I'll support that, but he should be ready. Don't let this chick take advantage of you.
25 May 2018, 9:04 pm
XFilesGeek wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Don't have any kid you don't want to have.
The OP clearly wants a kid but not yet , if he waits 5 years he may miss the boat ( in reality pregnancy doesn't happen on the first go later in life , it can take years of trying ) .
I realise that people are looking after the OP's best interest as we have all been hurt in one way or another but there is a cynical attitude here. Maybe I'm just being provocative without realising it as I'm the only one with this view
Making a kid is huge. It's an actual person with wants and needs. No one should embark on such a journey until they're ready.
Once he makes a baby, he's tied to the mother for at least 18 years. A child should be a celebration, not an obligation.
If the OP wants to jump in the deep end, I'll support that, but he should be ready. Don't let this chick take advantage of you.
OMG yeah , a freaking huge undertaking especially if you suffer from comorbids , I was definately not ready to undertake such a journey but for the first 2 years when I was the main parent I was the happiest I've ever been. It was only when the roles reversed and I had to provide for a family my world started to unravel , I was only tied to the mother for 6 years but my kid is tied to me forever.
AngelRho
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25 May 2018, 10:15 pm
RetroGamer87 wrote:
My girlfriend wants to have a baby next year. She's obsessed with babies. She looks at pictures of babies and says she wants one. I think next year is too soon. I said we should wait 5 years.
This made gf angry. She says she'll be infertile by that time. She's 30 now. She'll be 35 in five years. I pointed out that other women have had children when they were 35.
I think that we haven't been together long enough to consider having a child. I think that by next year, we still won't have been together long enough to consider having a child. You don't have a child with someone you only met last year. She's always trying to rush me. She wanted to move in with me when we had only known each other for three weeks.
I think that it would be wrong for her to force a child on me before I'm ready. I have to take her needs into consideration too but I think this isn't a real need, this is her being jealous of some of her friends already having children.
I've been in that situation. I felt bad because my cousin got married when he was 26 and I was still single. GF feels bad when her friend has a baby at 26 and she's still childless.
I think it was wrong for me to compare myself with my cousin or with other people and to obsess over how old I was when I reached certain milestones compared to other people. I think those comparisons weren't good for me. I think those comparisons aren't good for her either.
She's really been obsessed with having a baby. I think obsession doesn't help people make rational decisions. When I get obsessed with something I usually spend thousands of dollars. Her child could cost $20,000 per year.
I'm not only fighting her obsession, I'm also fighting her culture. In Chinese culture they like to have children young. According to her culture, she's already too old to be childless. Her mother wants her to have children. Her mother is amazingly tolerant of any misbehavior from me but only because she believes I'm her path to grandchildren.
I have no doubt that she'd be a devoted mother but she doesn't seem to understand how badly it would hurt her job searching. I told her she should have a child after she gets a job so that way she can claim maternity leave. She can get paid to stay home and look after the child but only if she gets a job before she has a child.
What can I do? We have the most terrible arguments about this. I'm actually thinking of leaving her due to this issue. That would be a shame because in some ways it's the best relationship I've ever had. What can I do?
This made gf angry. She says she'll be infertile by that time. She's 30 now. She'll be 35 in five years. I pointed out that other women have had children when they were 35.
I think that we haven't been together long enough to consider having a child. I think that by next year, we still won't have been together long enough to consider having a child. You don't have a child with someone you only met last year. She's always trying to rush me. She wanted to move in with me when we had only known each other for three weeks.
I think that it would be wrong for her to force a child on me before I'm ready. I have to take her needs into consideration too but I think this isn't a real need, this is her being jealous of some of her friends already having children.
I've been in that situation. I felt bad because my cousin got married when he was 26 and I was still single. GF feels bad when her friend has a baby at 26 and she's still childless.
I think it was wrong for me to compare myself with my cousin or with other people and to obsess over how old I was when I reached certain milestones compared to other people. I think those comparisons weren't good for me. I think those comparisons aren't good for her either.
She's really been obsessed with having a baby. I think obsession doesn't help people make rational decisions. When I get obsessed with something I usually spend thousands of dollars. Her child could cost $20,000 per year.
I'm not only fighting her obsession, I'm also fighting her culture. In Chinese culture they like to have children young. According to her culture, she's already too old to be childless. Her mother wants her to have children. Her mother is amazingly tolerant of any misbehavior from me but only because she believes I'm her path to grandchildren.
I have no doubt that she'd be a devoted mother but she doesn't seem to understand how badly it would hurt her job searching. I told her she should have a child after she gets a job so that way she can claim maternity leave. She can get paid to stay home and look after the child but only if she gets a job before she has a child.
What can I do? We have the most terrible arguments about this. I'm actually thinking of leaving her due to this issue. That would be a shame because in some ways it's the best relationship I've ever had. What can I do?
Ok...I’m not going to suggest you break up. I’m certainly not going to suggest you do anything you don’t want to do or you aren’t ready for.
My OPINION is that if you’d ever even consider babies with this woman, you should get married. If you don’t think marriage is really something you want, you may reconsider why you’re together now.
But whether or not you take that step, my experience has been that denying a woman children is never really a good thing. If that’s what she wants, it’s best to go ahead and make that happen.
As for not being ready...
I don’t think it’s possible to ever really be ready. I wasn’t ready for my first. My second...we ran out of condoms and were feeling lucky. The third...condom broke.
And it’s really very cool. My oldest has perfect pitch. My daughter has extremely high test scores and we’re considering letting her skip a grade in school. Our youngest boy is also very smart. He just finished kindergarten and already reads 3rd grade books.
I understand you have legit reasons for feeling the way you do. I understand there are some things you want to do to make this easier. So, yeah, you need to work things out. But I don’t advise waiting any longer than absolutely necessary. And there’s no such thing as “ready.” Children are a lot of fun. Learn to play!! !
RetroGamer87
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26 May 2018, 8:20 am
green0star wrote:
I think you guys should be married first before having a kid. That's just my personal opinion. Though since you say its too soon for marriage then its much to soon for children. 
Yes, I wouldn't want to have kids with someone I wasn't married to.SaveFerris wrote:
I'll play Devils advocate here.
Have a kid , it will turn your life upside down , it will give your life new meaning , you could be the happiest you've ever been but it may bring problems that you've never even imagined.
Yeah, problems. One of my fears is that the kid will be like me. I made things difficult for my parents. I was really a brat.Have a kid , it will turn your life upside down , it will give your life new meaning , you could be the happiest you've ever been but it may bring problems that you've never even imagined.
SaveFerris wrote:
Your GF biological clock is screaming at this point
Screaming? She's only 30.
RetroGamer87
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26 May 2018, 8:55 am
AngelRho wrote:
My OPINION is that if you’d ever even consider babies with this woman, you should get married.
Yes of course. I've said to her several times that we can't have kids before we're married. I don't mind the idea of marriage but if there's one thing that bothers me, it's the wedding. I don't enjoy weddings and I don't think I'd enjoy my own wedding much either.I really reeally don't want to pay $30,000 for a wedding either, especially if we're ever going to have kids.
Perhaps we could just get married at the office of birth, marriage and death but there could be some downsides. My mother will be devastated if she doesn't witness my wedding, my family will think it's not real and if people thought she was just trying to get a visa before, they'll really think that if we get married at the registrar.
They shouldn't think that because an actual marriage isn't required to get a partner visa. It's possible to get one for a defacto relationship.
AngelRho wrote:
I don’t think it’s possible to ever really be ready. I wasn’t ready for my first. My second...we ran out of condoms and were feeling lucky. The third...condom broke.
Yes they break. I wouldn't like to rely solely on condoms. I've had plenty of mishaps with condoms, including getting the condom lost up there.AngelRho wrote:
And it’s really very cool. My oldest has perfect pitch. My daughter has extremely high test scores and we’re considering letting her skip a grade in school. Our youngest boy is also very smart. He just finished kindergarten and already reads 3rd grade books.
That's good. Smart kids would be a pleasure to raise. One of the things that put me off was meeting her friend's son and finding that he was bone stupid. Not disabled or anything, just dense. I already have a hard enough time relating to a 5 year old without adding obfuscating stupidity into the mix.It might be fun having a child who's 8 or 10 but toddlers seem to be pretty dense and babies don't really seem to do anything at all. I could play Borderlands with a 10 year old but not with a toddler.
GF seems to be more interested in babies than older children. She just likes babies. I don't know why. Looking after a baby seems like the most boring stage of parenthood. They're not even cute. I wonder if GF will be disappointing when she finds out that being a baby is the shortest stage of childhood.
AngelRho wrote:
I understand you have legit reasons for feeling the way you do. I understand there are some things you want to do to make this easier. So, yeah, you need to work things out. But I don’t advise waiting any longer than absolutely necessary. And there’s no such thing as “ready.” Children are a lot of fun. Learn to play!! !
Playing? Fun? 
Other than video games I don't really do fun. Anyway, what's the hurry? Why not wait a year or five?You make a good point that there's no such thing as ready but I at least want to buy a house first. I feel like trying to buy a house while raising a child could be like trying to row your boat up a waterfall.
goldfish21 wrote:
I really don't think that's weird at all. From the information the OP has shared, all of those responses are entirely justified, IMO. We also don't know the OP in person and have no idea what his real world functioning level is.
I have no idea what my functioning level is either. Is there a test for that? You could be entirely right about her having ulterior motives but if she really wanted to take advantage of me would she and her mother be willing to give me large sums of money to help us buy a house?Like SaveFerris I want to see the best in her. She's sleeping on me right now and she doesn't look malevolent. I guess looks can be deceiving.
Really I think she does have an ulterior motive but it's not to get a visa, it's to get a blue eyed, blond haired baby. She loves those ones most of all. She gushed with excitement when she saw my blue eyed, blond haired 3 year old cousin. I keep telling her that since our child would be half Asian it probably won't have blue eyes or blond hair. GF seems to have a particular fondness for Caucasians.
I guess she could just want PR in Australia but why? Australia is nothing special. In China she could get faster internet, faster trains, better quality Chinese food, be closer to her mother (who she misses dearly) and get to speak to people in a language in which she's fluent.
Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 26 May 2018, 8:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
26 May 2018, 8:56 am
AngelRho wrote:
As for not being ready...
I don’t think it’s possible to ever really be ready. I wasn’t ready for my first. My second...we ran out of condoms and were feeling lucky. The third...condom broke.
And it’s really very cool. My oldest has perfect pitch. My daughter has extremely high test scores and we’re considering letting her skip a grade in school. Our youngest boy is also very smart. He just finished kindergarten and already reads 3rd grade books.
I understand you have legit reasons for feeling the way you do. I understand there are some things you want to do to make this easier. So, yeah, you need to work things out. But I don’t advise waiting any longer than absolutely necessary. And there’s no such thing as “ready.” Children are a lot of fun. Learn to play!! !
@AngelRho has some valid points. I don't know how "ready" you may be, but I agree that you may never feel truly ready to take on that role. Most likely, you don't see yourself as a parent, in fact you may not even see yourself as a real adult — but the fact of the matter is that you are. Living myself in a Western country, I have a lot of experience around immigrants and I often see that they are quicker to accept the demands of adulthood, and for their children to prepare for adult life, than many of us Westerners who cling to our childhood way beyond the appropriate time to let go. My son, who attended a High School at which Asian immigrants and children of Asian immigrants had a predominant influence on academic life, benefited greatly from that influence which put him way ahead, career-wise, of most white men of his generation. Ironically, he is now married to a woman of Chinese ancestry (both parents born there) who has no desire whatsoever for children AFAIK, but this has more to do with personal beliefs. But I digress.I don’t think it’s possible to ever really be ready. I wasn’t ready for my first. My second...we ran out of condoms and were feeling lucky. The third...condom broke.
And it’s really very cool. My oldest has perfect pitch. My daughter has extremely high test scores and we’re considering letting her skip a grade in school. Our youngest boy is also very smart. He just finished kindergarten and already reads 3rd grade books.
I understand you have legit reasons for feeling the way you do. I understand there are some things you want to do to make this easier. So, yeah, you need to work things out. But I don’t advise waiting any longer than absolutely necessary. And there’s no such thing as “ready.” Children are a lot of fun. Learn to play!! !
A more immediate concern is marriage. Looking back on my own life (long story) I have concluded that once you move in with somebody, you face a quandary if you aren't willing to marry them, because not marrying them implies that you expect to not be with them sometime in the future. Again, another example of accepting adulthood and letting go of youthful innocence.
No advice necessarily just some things to think about.
