NT needs help understanding...

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gals help! we're constantly fighting and it's starting to kill the passion (on my end) for the relationship as a whole.. is this just a phase?? please tell me it is..

yesterday we went at it so badly (about money) that we decided to "take a break" from each other.. but decided to hopefully see each other at a mutual friend's holiday party later that night. So that night I put tons of extra care into my look to try to help bring back some of the passion. I spent a ton of time on my hair, makeup, picking out sexy clothes, put perfume on.. and mostly it was for him to show him that I still cared. (We've been getting kind of sloppy with our looks lately and I don't normally do all this stuff.) I wanted his jaw to drop when I walked in! But he didn't get it!! Didn't even say that I looked nice! I couldn't believe it! After all that work and I didn't get a single reaction out of him.

So I asked him later on line after we were both home - "so did I look good tonight?" his reaction was "Yuppers, but I don't know why you did that." <insert a switch of topic by him about start up companies in Seattle - a place that is states away - and me sitting on the couch dumbfounded>

I don't know what I'm suposto do. I'm getting so tired of fighting and over analyzing everything I do or say. And my efforts don't even seem to be noticed for the most part. I have no idea if this is all on my end or if it's the AS or if he's just being a dumb boy or if it's all of that together. I just don't want to be angry anymore and I want to find a way of creating a peaceful co-existence between us. I don't want to break up, I'm in love with the goober. But all of this is really starting to ware on me and for the first time, I'm starting to wonder if it will work..

I'm badly in need of encouragement here...

I think people with aspergers know when you are taking the extra effort and appreciate it. The sad part is that it's hard for them to put into words what they want to say about it. Most all couples argue at some point in the relationship about money. It's a stressful time especially with the holidays coming up. I wouldn't think the relationship was over just because of a few fights. The holidays are stressful on everyone.

Merr, I totally feel your pain about getting all dolled up because he likes it, especially when you get to the point where you are more casual about your appearance. My bf even noted I don’t look as sexy as I used to because I stopped glaming up for him. That effort was worth it, even if he doesn’t react, he notices. Besides, you felt pretty that night, so it was worth it.

As far as fighting, you have to stop reacting. It takes two to fight. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if one stops putting in the effort, it is just a matter of time until it ends. You cannot force him to put in the effort you want. You have to accept what he can give.

I don’t know about the constant fighting. That doesn’t work in any kind of relationship. Perhaps challenge him in writing, via notes, text, email, etc. I am sure he is stressed about moving in and is looking for little things to sabotage the relationship now in efforts to avoid his own fear that you will break up with him later.

Do NOT engage in an argument. Talk softly and slowly. You have to learn how to do this. It is not easy, but it is worth changing your style for your own personal benefit. When things calm down, ask him what you need to do from keeping the two of you from fighting again.

The topic switch? Nothing happened? Were you just blindsided by a truck? That is your signal to stop, that he is over stimulated and can’t think. Discus later. And if you can do these things, you can resolve a lot of issues. It just takes more time with AS than NT.

I love that you love your goober, which is why it hurts 10 times as much when you fight. That strength of love is the same strength of anger!!

Tonight I was thinking of a coping skill I taught myself. One day I was really perturbed that my bf kind of kept me in the dark about something, aka did not spontaneously share something. I just lost my mind over something so simple. I did not yell or scream. I confronted, he walked out, aka avoidance about personal whatever.

I finally trained myself to ask myself not why he does or does not do or not do something, but I ask myself why it is so important that he actually do or not do something. It has helped tremendously with me identifying my emotions and my needs. Why do I need him to tell me the truth? It ended up to be a control issue with myself. Not that I don’t trust him, but me constantly needing to know things to control my path and destiny. Does he still do it? Yes. Does it bother me? Yes. Can I take a deep breath and focus on my control issue? Sometimes.

When we get into that funk I take a step back. It gives him space and time to realize he did an uh oh and gives me space and time to not say something in the heat of the moment that he will hyper focus on that I will regret later.

In the meantime, I keep busy with work and friends. I immediately shut down from feeling anything and hope my feelings for him will come back. And thus far, they do. I end up in a flood of forgiveness and understanding, yet nothing resolved. Then, I write notes that do not need to be responded to, just need to be read at his pace in his time to let him know how his behavior effects and disappoints me. I never use the phrase “you”, it is always “I”. Not “you make me angry” but “I feel left out”. It works for us and hopelly for you or hopefully something will click.

He never means ill will, he is just sometimes thoughtless. It is my job to express and not overwhelm. I am adaptable, he is not.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am all that adaptable. I've changed a lot of things about myself. Sometimes I wonder if this is the way it is supposed to go.

Only if it is something you can handle yourself personally. You may be fuming now, but when you calm down that numb feeling melts back into love. That is just the cycle in any relationship. But at the end of the day you have to be happy with you in all areas of your life and know you did the best you could with what you were dealt that day.

What was the fight about money? Is one of you a spender and the other a saver? This would be a normal fight between any couple anyway and a huge bone of contention. The problem is if your partner does not process what you are conveying, nothing will change. What happened?

fivecents, I think you are getting me and merr confused. I was the one with the fight about money, merr is the one who is moving in

you're advice is still good though.. we're doing our best to try to work though things.. when it comes down to it, we care about each other.. A LOT

That's right, sorry Firgs. I sometimes read this at work when 100 things are going on and respond later.

Did you reslove the issue?

we're trying.. our relationship is kind of different because of me. I had a massive, unplanned problem with my lungs happen to me in May and it has caused me to be jobless (and therefor broke) - which adds to the standard money tension. The issue has also caused me a lot of health problems that I have to cater to in order to breathe. So the stress factor was high before we even got rolling..

sometimes I feel like 90% of the problems we have are my fault.. not his..

I am sorry to hear about an unexpected health issue. It is scary that something that severe can happen unexpectedly. Can you collect temporary disability? That will cover rent, food, health insurance and some utilities.

Money is an issue whether you have a lot or none. Perhaps it was not a good time to start any relationship. Regardless, if you continue to be in one with him, it will be stressful. And he will not understand, nor will he be too sympathetic on the outside. Most likely he wants to do something for you but doesn’t know what you want, so he does nothing. Best to be straight and tell him exactly what you need from him.

Is this something you will recover from?

I sure hope so. I think things are getting better between us. I'm hoping that they are anyway. I really want this to work.

I wasn't going to post this.. but I need to get it out and I don't know how else to do it

My Aspie and I broke up on Sat. We just couldn't stop fighting. I'm so confused. I don't understand.

Why couldn't we be more patient with each other?
Why couldn't we find middle ground?
Why couldn't we understand each other?
Why couldn't we stop fighting?
Why couldn't we stop going in circles?

Why can't I stop crying?
Why does it feel like it hurts more to be without him?
Why can't I bring myself to tell him that I don't want to live without him, just without the fighting with him?

I love him so much. This hurts so much!!

Why does it have to be so hard???

The irony of today - my parents got me an iPod and a new travel bag to help with the trips to his place. I've been wanting an iPod for years.... but when I opened it, all I wanted to do was cry.

kinda like I am now..

AAAH! As well as my bf and I get along, when we fight (maybe 5 fights in 3 ½ years, usually when he is overwhelmed and cannot just tell me), I die inside, so I know how heavy you are weeping.

Patient? He needs space.

Middle ground? There is none.

Understanding? You do, he doesn’t.

Stop fighting? It takes two to fight. If one person does not engage in an argument, than there is no argument.

Circles? I call this the bad dance. It’s the dance you start in the beginning of a relationship to accommodate the man (any man), and if you don’t choose your steps carefully, you constantly have your toes stepped on. To stop the dance…space, let him come to you and do not do the same steps. It’s about you changing and not engaging and leading the way.

Can’t stop crying? Because you love him. Let him come to you. My bf describes it from a Seinfeld episode of trying to feed a squirrel. Let the skittish squirrel come to you. Be patient and still and never chase the squirrel.

Hurts more without him? Indeed it does. It makes it seem like it is less painful to fight than break up. The problem is the arguments leave him whirling and confused and it is easier for him to be alone, even if he misses you.

Tell him? No, give it time, write to him and in the between time, pick your depressed butt up off the couch and force yourself to do things so you have new and interesting things to say when you talk again. Journaling helps to keep you steady. Grab a notebook and write letters you are not allowed to send, etc. See how you feel when you look back.

Please do not discuss in person his feelings behind the fighting. Write to him and let him respond in his own time and space.

You will get through this, and if you want him back you have to be verrrrry slow. And he will only come back if he wants to.

Might I suggest starting another thread asking some of the men out here what they need and how they feel. I have only been remaining successful with my bf because of what I read here and what they have advised me in the past. It is good insight for both AS men and men period. The wisdom and support here have gotten me through some very dark times. If I handled my bf like I would an NT, we’d be through. Understanding how he perceives things and needs space and no discussion of hot topics has really helped. When he is over something and I am not, tough on me, it’s a mute point. I do get over it eventually, and we never argue over the same thing twice.

Is it impossible for an AS partner to understand an NT partner, fivecents?

fivecents, do you have a link to that thread? I would like to read it.

Merr, understand an NT? Yes, I believe a lot of those with AS (from what I can gather reading here) have strong emotions even if they do not react in a way we can see. I can only go by personal experience and my interpretation of what I read here. I am understood, but then again, we think very much alike, so I think this relationship would have been fine AS or NT. He understands my needs and how I process things, but that doesn’t change how he acts or what he does. It’s like knowing smoking is bad for you but continuing to do it. Will he change? Highly unlikely, especially at his age. No man changes much past 45 or 50 anyway, they get set in their ways. He has actually changed a lot since we met, and he tells me frequently the positive effect I have had on his esteem and life in general, which is nice to hear. But doing things my way will never happen. Fortunately we do most of the same things anyway, and even if we do things differently we still strive for the same outcome.

The difficulty I have with AS is changing how I react to what he does. I do not argue back, I nod and move along knowing no matter what I say or do he will resolve things in his own head and he assumes if it’s ok in his it’s ok in mine. He has inadvertently done things that have hurt me so and sent me packing. Does he understand that what he did hurt me? Yes. Does it change? Not too much. For instance, his ex calls him from time to time and he hides this because he says he is embarrassed that she calls. The lying hurts, not the ex. I not only talk to all my exs but one (who does not deserve my friendship), but I hang out with them as well. I have no problem with the ex calling, I think it is good to be civil to someone who you shared a life with. It shows me that he was a good boyfriend even if it didn’t work out. It shows me character. So, now when she calls he hides it only sometimes. I read it as a privacy issue and have let it go. It was a struggle to let go, but at the end of the day his arms are around me, and that’s really what matters to me. Another struggle to make sure his arms around me mean more to me than having him do everything my way on demand LOL!!

Firgs, I was suggesting you go to Love and Dating and start a new topic. Concisely describe the events that have been going on with your boyfriend and ask the men how they would suggest you should handle it as to not over stimulate him or run him off into the sunset. I’d like to read what they say as well.