Argument with girlfriend... need advice

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Oh dear... well, I have a history of sucky relationships, so whilst I may not have good answers, I can at least give you a comprehensive list of what DOESN'T work!

Ok, attacking this one from a slightly different angle: it sounds to me like you are staying with her for *boom boom* 'the wrong reasons'. I would have to disagree with the masses here: staying with someone just because you don't wanna face the repercussions of breaking up isn't good. Sure, it's great to acknowledge that you have been there for each other and helped each other out, but it's a fine line between gratitude for the influence someone has on your life, verses feeling that you cannot survive without someone, or worse, staying with them because you think they can't cope without you.

If you genuinely love her, then by all means, tell her you love her, tell her that she has meant a lot to you and helped you to get out of whatever mess you were in, tell her how happy she makes you feel yadda yadda. Now, this is a tricky one, and I suggest that you tread VERY carefully. I used to feel guilty because whilst I would like the person I was with, I could still rationally say that there are billions of people on this earth, and why not any one of them? I mean, it's not like some people are just innately better than others! In my rather humble opinion, it is less about 'why them' and more about 'why not them'! Just, for goodness sakes, DON'T go saying to her 'well you're as loveable as anyone else, why not you?'! !! I'm just saying... I mean, people aren't all unique, we all share traits, so perhaps you can find a good way of explaining that to her... like explaining that whilst there are heaps of people in the world, you are with her, and you care about her etc.

*shrugs* Good luck!

That's definitely a good point: Don't stay with someone because you're afraid of how you'll feel if they're gone. I wasn't getting the vibe that that was the only reason; I was (idealistically) assuming his mind just blanked. But if you're only staying with her because you feel like you have to, definitely reexamine the relationship.

I do think she wanted to hear some of her "unique" qualities. I also agree that "why not them" is a factor, as in, if someone isn't totally perfect, it doesn't mean they're not "the one." ((Don't get me started on how I feel about the idea of soulmates.)) Knowing that someone "works" with you AND knowing that there might be someone else who would work as well, but you're not with THAT person, isn't a bad thing. It's realism.

But as PKitten said, don't tell her that last bit unless she's in a VERY tolerant mood.

Thats easy to say when you've been in lots of relationships - failed or not. A lot of us are lucky if we can get into one relationship, so if it seems meaningful to us then we may be willing to put in the extra effort to make it work (warts and all, so to speak).

A relationship isn't effortless; I don't think she implied that. There's a difference between staying with someone despite problems, and staying with someone solely because you're scared to leave. The latter doesn't imply "the spark's gone, so so am I," or "our first fight=our last day together." But if a relationship does go really, really sour, and you're only there because you're scared to leave, that's not healthy. And a relationship where you barely even LIKE the person you're with, on any level, belongs in the same category (note: this does not mean the same thing as a relationship where there's no more wild passion; though if there's a marriage and/or kids it's more complex). That's my take anyway.

Last edited by Serissa on 22 Sep 2005, 4:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

alright well, I guess it didn't sound like it'd gotten to that point... this topic's a few days old now, I wonder what's happened?

I don't know, the impression I got from that first post wasn't that Aaron didn't love her, just barely liked her, or didn't know why he was with her, just that she put him on the spot to come up with a way to put it all into a few words and he just didn't have it sorted out well enough to do that right then and there. Am I right?

Techstep,

Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it... and it was a purely Aspie thing - she'd been dropping the hints to me (subconsciously) while we'd been together when she came up last month, and I guess she was upset because I didn't pick them up... so yeah, the answer was in front of me.

As for those who gave their definitions of love... thanks for the insight, and I suppose I should say that I've been of the opinion that love needs no reason, just trust in the two involved, for some time.

Thanks for the advice, all, I really appreciate it.

It's not like that. I still find it hard to take my own advice, and I am by no means saying give up when things get a tiny bit hard. What I am saying is that there is no point staying with someone solely because you are afraid of what will happen if you leave. And, much as I hate to say this, and much as I ignore my own advice, relationships at this stage are about finding someone who is right for you, not trying to fit someone who isn't right

*shrugs*

Actually, this is if you're assuming that agape is the only "real" love. Really, romantic love is not entirely selfless. You ARE in it to get something out of it. ((If you're not, it's most likely pity that's driving you, I can't imagine entering a romantic relationship where there was only agapic love and not being driven by pity, though perhaps you could soften it by saying "compassion" like if some poor girl is rescued by a rich man who marries her but doesn't ask anything of her but takes her in, something like that. And even that is more of an adoption than a marriage. If he has sex with her it ceases to be totally selfless and starts being something he's benefiting from- which is not a bad thing. I'll ending this metaphor now, it's dead.)) There should be some selflessness, but totally agapic love is more in line with the love of a parent for a child. This is just a side note I forgot to originally address.

from a girls point of veiw this seems like the most romantic option, i don't want someone to tell me they love me because of the smell of my hair.............blah blah blah type thing, ok so what if i change my shampoo you won't love me?

i want someone to tell me they love me because i'm me, simply that, they love me because i am who i am,

be honest and dig deep and you don't have to have a reason to love someone, you may just love them!

baby

It does? That's cool. Thanks to both of you, this could save me wasting a lot of time and thought in the future that could be used thinking of beer or something.

Hey eamonn: why think it...

...

when you can DRINK it!

Lol, I can understand his plight - he probably has WAY too many good ales and stouts to choose from out there

Ok everybody, cocktail party at eamonn's place...

If you're names not on the list you're not getting in!

Eamonn,
Hope I'm on the list!! !
heh heh

Mellow