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"You need to work on yourself!"

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fluffysaurus
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03 Dec 2018, 2:58 am

Sabreclaw wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
Fnord wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
I find advice on self-improvement rude...
A lot of advice can seem rude, especially to someone who is only seeking agreement and affirmation. But to those who are sincerely seeking advice for self-improvement, even “Get up, grow up, go out and get a job” can be welcome (if not entirely helpful).

When I ask for advice, I fully expect to be told first what I have been doing wrong. Sure, it “hurts”, but with greater maturity has come greater tolerance for that kind of “pain”. Pain is inevitable, while misery is a choice.

That’s why “grow up” is a vital part of any effort of self-improvement.

Sorry, I wasn't clear, I meant it's rude when people give you advice on self-improvement when you haven't asked

for advice on self-improvement.


Maybe if you just improved yourself you wouldn't feel insulted by advice to improve yourself. Didn't consider that one, did you?

Aspie19828 wrote:
I do not need to do anything with my life! I can not stand useless advice like: "You need to work on yourself" or "Just be Yourself" and the countless nonsense advice that changes nothing like: Man Up, Toughen up Princess, Get over it or Grow Up!


This concept of improvement always implies that everyone with relationships only got into them because they'd finished their "improving" and hence are inherently of more value than everyone else. Frankly it is rude. It's extra insulting when the advice is something stupid like "lift weights", as though that's the magical missing ingredient.

I don't feel insulted, I feel hurt. Most self-help advice given to me involves a complete personality change. And I

do work on myself but on the things that I think I need work on and that are achievable.


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Aspie19828
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03 Dec 2018, 4:09 am

https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel ... active-man
I think it’s a real shame that we teach men this foul lie that ‘women care about what’s on the inside.’ By and large, in romantic relationships, neither men nor women care very much about character, except, sometimes, when you get to the point of considering a life partnership. Men are taught that ugly guys are ‘cute’ or ‘funny,’ and that if we just work hard to be good people we can succeed in romance. This is utter horses**t.

The lie is foul, because it makes us set up an unfair expectation on women. Women have no obligation to judge sexual partners on their intellects and characters. Demanding that of them is unfair, and makes it easy to hate, instead of accepting that ugliness is another limitation some of us our born with, just like our raw athletic potential, or any genetic component of our intelligence, or a congenital disease.



fluffysaurus
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03 Dec 2018, 8:34 am

Aspie19828 wrote:
https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-an-unattractive-man
I think it’s a real shame that we teach men this foul lie that ‘women care about what’s on the inside.’ By and large, in romantic relationships, neither men nor women care very much about character, except, sometimes, when you get to the point of considering a life partnership. Men are taught that ugly guys are ‘cute’ or ‘funny,’ and that if we just work hard to be good people we can succeed in romance. This is utter horses**t.

The lie is foul, because it makes us set up an unfair expectation on women. Women have no obligation to judge sexual partners on their intellects and characters. Demanding that of them is unfair, and makes it easy to hate, instead of accepting that ugliness is another limitation some of us our born with, just like our raw athletic potential, or any genetic component of our intelligence, or a congenital disease.


That's a really good article and I agree with what he says. the only thing I would add is that most people of both

sexes are neither good looking or ugly and personality does make a difference for them along with all the other

stuff such as job, wealth, culture. Neither the very good looking or the very ugly get what's fair.


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Fnord
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03 Dec 2018, 9:21 am

"Fair" is a null concept. You get what you deserve.



fluffysaurus
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03 Dec 2018, 2:58 pm

Fnord wrote:
"Fair" is a null concept. You get what you deserve.


I find life is getting fairer with age, what I get reflects more the time effort I put in to getting it. That's not true for

anyone when they are young. And some people have really bad luck.


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rdos
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03 Dec 2018, 3:50 pm

To succeed in romance or relationships is a faulty concept. You succeed in work, with goals or with interests, but romance is nothing like any of them, and so "succeed" is a faulty concept in relation to romance.

Similarly, to get what you deserve could be useful in relation to social issues, and perhaps work, but it is a faulty concept in relation to romance.

In fact, most things that are relevant for work typically are irrelevant for romance.



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03 Dec 2018, 4:12 pm

rdos wrote:
To succeed in romance or relationships is a faulty concept. You succeed in work, with goals or with interests, but romance is nothing like any of them, and so "succeed" is a faulty concept in relation to romance.
Maybe ... but if you measure success in a romantic relationship by the continuance of that relationship, then the concept is valid.
rdos wrote:
Similarly, to get what you deserve could be useful in relation to social issues, and perhaps work, but it is a faulty concept in relation to romance.
Romance is a social issue. It's just that maintaining a romantic relationship is like trying to live on a world where the landscape is constantly changing, and the rules aren't written down.
rdos wrote:
In fact, most things that are relevant for work typically are irrelevant for romance.
I gotta disagree. There is the interview process, the probationary period, the commitment, the long-term relationship, and the sudden end to that you never saw coming.



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03 Dec 2018, 5:29 pm

Quote:
The sudden end you never saw coming


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03 Dec 2018, 6:55 pm

My blood pressure has skyrocketed lately. Why can't I just exit this life? :(



Gallia
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03 Dec 2018, 7:29 pm

fluffysaurus wrote:
Quote:
The sudden end you never saw coming


I always see it coming 8)


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Fnord
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03 Dec 2018, 7:41 pm

Gallia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
The sudden end you never saw coming.
I always see it coming
Do you initiate it? I know people who didn’t know their relationships were ending until the “Dear John/Jane” letters. I know people who didn’t know their employments were over until they received their “pink slips”.



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03 Dec 2018, 7:42 pm

Marknis wrote:
My blood pressure has skyrocketed lately. Why can't I just exit this life? :(


:( feel better soon :heart:


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Last edited by Gallia on 03 Dec 2018, 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Gallia
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03 Dec 2018, 7:44 pm

Fnord wrote:
Gallia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
The sudden end you never saw coming.
I always see it coming
Do you initiate it? I know people who didn’t know their relationships were ending until the “Dear John/Jane” letters. I know people who didn’t know their employments were over until they received their “pink slips”.


no i ruin every good relationship because i'm angsty and cant keep my thoughts to myself :roll:

to illustrate - i'll notice if he appears less interested from minute details and get upset (as in sad, not angry). Ik it's stupid and ik relationships aren't always lovey dovey etc but i jump to catastrophic conclusions which is a shame. never had a long term relationship and im pretty honest abt i'm to blame lol


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03 Dec 2018, 8:00 pm

Gallia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Gallia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
The sudden end you never saw coming.
I always see it coming
Do you initiate it? I know people who didn’t know their relationships were ending until the “Dear John/Jane” letters. I know people who didn’t know their employments were over until they received their “pink slips”.
no i ruin every good relationship because i'm angsty and cant keep my thoughts to myself
Ah. Bummer. One of the hardest things to learn is knowing when to keep my mouth shut. I still screw that up a lot, but not as badly as I used to.



Gallia
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03 Dec 2018, 8:03 pm

Fnord wrote:
Gallia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Gallia wrote:
Fnord wrote:
The sudden end you never saw coming.
I always see it coming
Do you initiate it? I know people who didn’t know their relationships were ending until the “Dear John/Jane” letters. I know people who didn’t know their employments were over until they received their “pink slips”.
no i ruin every good relationship because i'm angsty and cant keep my thoughts to myself
Ah. Bummer. One of the hardest things to learn is knowing when to keep my mouth shut. I still screw that up a lot, but not as badly as I used to.


yeah >< my damn lack of filters! then I feel bad about it and make things worse. I'm well meaning but hella clumsy. hopefully i'v learnt my lesson for next time.


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AnneOleson
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03 Dec 2018, 10:09 pm

Aspie19828 wrote:
https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-an-unattractive-man
I think it’s a real shame that we teach men this foul lie that ‘women care about what’s on the inside.’ By and large, in romantic relationships, neither men nor women care very much about character, except, sometimes, when you get to the point of considering a life partnership. Men are taught that ugly guys are ‘cute’ or ‘funny,’ and that if we just work hard to be good people we can succeed in romance. This is utter horses**t.

The lie is foul, because it makes us set up an unfair expectation on women. Women have no obligation to judge sexual partners on their intellects and characters. Demanding that of them is unfair, and makes it easy to hate, instead of accepting that ugliness is another limitation some of us our born with, just like our raw athletic potential, or any genetic component of our intelligence, or a congenital disease.
.

What malarkey! I’m sorry, but what is on the “inside” is the most important thing in any relationship, casual, professional or romantic. At the same time, being a “good person” guarantees nothing.