Question for the women (NT and Aspie)

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I wouldn't say that the OP is "ruining" it - if someone gets some advice here that actually makes a difference then that's great.

I just know for me personally, something will happen to me that makes me feel like the biggest freak/loser/creep in the world and I will post some nonsense about it here and people respond to it a little and the feeling sort of goes away and I'm ready to absorb the next smackdown.

My advice to people that are bothered by this: ignore it, please - some of us get a real benefit from whining and I don't mind listening to my brothers/sisters whine either.

It's fine to want to belong somewhere, but at the same time you don't see Grisha posting here every single week saying, "I'm unlovable" and having a never-ending self-pity fest. You also don't see Grisha taking over other people's threads with his own problems. It's ok to do it periodically, but you go well beyond periodically, and your wanting to belong somewhere is not a valid excuse to justify the extent of your self-pity posting. You're just being passive aggressive, once again playing the "omg I'm such a victim!!" card. You're not seeing that your passive aggressive behavior, just like overly relying on WP to get a sense of belonging, is a crutch that will hurt you big time if you continue to let it.


I would usually ignore it, especially in your cases when, as you indicate, you immediately get back into the fray after a whine session. It's understandably cathartic, and that's perfectly fine and reasonable and justifiable. But once it reaches the point where the whining invades other people's threads and makes it more difficult for other people to actively solve their own problems as they want, then I draw the line.

Last edited by Stinkypuppy on 20 Jan 2010, 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Toad derails other people's threads who are genuinely seeking out advice, changes the subject and puts the attention on himself. A therapist or professional would give him the one on one venting he needs.

[quote="Stinkypuppy]I would usually ignore it, but once it reaches the point where the whining invades other people's threads and makes it more difficult for other people to actively solve their own problems as they want, then I draw the line.[/quote]

Well then I think it's more an issue of forum etiquette than anything else, and I'm sure that can be straightened out.

I just get a real, tangible benefit from this forum that I can't find anywhere else and I hate to see someone else lose that benefit.

I see your point about whining too much. I spend a lot of time elsewhere getting something to whine about before I'm beat up enough to feel the need to come back here for a pep talk - otherwise I would definitely get on peoples nerves enough for them to tell me about it...

I don't mind when people want to vent their frustration or sadness.

I get f*****g sick of it though when they do this over and over again when they make no effort whatsoever to help themselves or take the advice that's offered.

It doesn't creep me out. It takes a lot to creep me out. But it frustrates me watching the same people whine over and over again about the same thing when they have made zero effort to change or improve themselves.

A very good attitude! And congrats on the date with the 30-something woman the other night too. You could have vented and complained that it didn't lead to long term romance or sex, but instead you enjoyed the fact that it was a fun night out, somebody noticed you, and your conversation skills were working well. That light-hearted approach of seeing it as fun for one evening rather than a grim march towards a relationship is a good one. Not driving is a common limitation. I've known people with seizure disorders who can't (for obvious reasons) and people who technically could drive but they've spent their entire lives in New York City and just never got around to learning. It's a limitation that limits you geographically because you can't go rural, but if you're going out on dates without a car (presumably using a bus or taxi), then you aren't rural anyway.

@Biostructure - If you want to have more physical intimacy with women, you may want to stop referring to them as "it" - as in, "Just a need to be near a body of the opposite sex, to admire it naked, whatever." If you said "it" and didn't realize it, I've no doubt you're giving off that vibe in person to any woman you're interested in - and that's not going to work.

You're response is just reinforcing your original premise: you wish women regarded sex the same way they regard eating or breathing - but the overwhelming majority of NT women don't regard sex that way (can't speak for Aspie women). I understand it probably makes sense to you (as an Aspie) to equate sex to any other bodily function. But even most NT guys understand that most women don't feel that way about sex, and they never will. So you can get angry about it, which will resolve nothing....or you can accept that your perspective is incompatible with the perspective of most women you will meet. If you accept that the you're the one who needs to change (perhaps considering all the things you can give a woman - other than your penis), it may open the door to discovering strategies that are more likely to result in attracting a woman. Just a thought.....

A large % of women have low desire and don't perceive sex necessary as food or air, but not an overwhelming majority. There are all kinds of reasons for this - culture, biology, modern society, medications, etc.

It's OK to desire sex. It's perfectly normal to view sex as central to functioning in life - just like air, or water, or breathing. There are a LOT - a LOT - of women who feel the same way about sex. Sex, regular sex, sexual openness and sensuality are a core criteria for me in a relationship. I know many women who are this way.

I agree with your characterization of the word "it". Not helpful.

@BetsyRath, I think you misunderstood me. I don't think sex is unnecessary (at all) - I think most women don't detach the emotional part of sex from the physical act. That was the basis for my comparing sex to other physical acts like eating and breathing. For example, there's typically no emotional component to breathing (although there can be an emotional component to eating, so maybe that wasn't the best example I could have used).

I think a lot of men can very easily detach their emotions from being physically sexual, and I think Biostructure struggles with understanding why women don't feel as emotionally detached about sex as he does. I agree with you that most women want and need sex, and that need and desire is completely healthy (consider me very healthy). My only point is that emotional involvement typically goes hand-in-hand with sex for most NT women. If Biostructure understands that, he's more likely to understand what he needs to do to attract a woman.

Last edited by HopeGrows on 20 Jan 2010, 11:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hope, I think you're confusing me with Biostructure. Sex isn't vital to me. And I don't refer to women as "it." If anything, the reason I haven't had sex yet is because I respect that the average woman doesn't care about sex as much as some of the guys on this site seem to care about it.

A lot of guys on here if they were in my position last night talking to an attractive 30something woman, even though there was no "spark" on either side and both people were talking like they were friends with a connection, would have tried to make a move anyway, just because "p***y is p***y" and just left a bad impression on the girl's mind. Or they would have wanted to make a move, and come on here and vented that they didn't get any.

I went home, and said "I proved to myself I can talk to a random stranger from a dating site for 90 minutes non-stop and connect with her."

And personally, I don't mind saying it, but Biostructure's thoughts on women and sex frighten me. Is it typical for a guy? Of course. But Biostructure is just digging his own grave by not respecting women and looking at them as things to physically conquer.

Range, how did I confuse you with Biostructure? I was responding to his post, not yours.

??

You said "OP" as in original poster.

I followed your train, I knew what you meant. Thanks for the clarification I agree I misunderstood.

If you wish to see it that way, then that's fine. On the other hand, I'd much rather look for women who have what I would consider a more understandable attitude toward their sexuality, one that I can relate to.

Sorry, Range - I sure did say OP, when I meant to reference Biostructure. I edited my post to reference Biostructure - I totally know you don't share those opinions. Sorry for the confusion - I'm a little tired lately.

Thanks BetsyRath - I kept looking at my two posts to Biostructure to try to figure out where I referenced the OP....I don't know if I would have looked at my reply to you if you hadn't re-posted.

Sorry for the confusion....think I'm gonna play the tired mom card on this one.

I'm just really surprised at the attitude of a vast majority of men on this site about women. As much as I get on Toad's case, it's not because he wants a girlfriend, it's because he complains and does nothing to improve his life and make himself more of a catch to women. He deep down just wants female company, which is normal. A lot of guys on here just seem to want sex and nothing else.

Like Hope always says, it's normal to want sex, but when it's your main focus for talking to the opposite sex, there's a problem. And if all you want is sex, there are places to find it...go to an escort, or improve your social skills and go to bars, clubs, or parties.