Significant other demanding I defriend an ex-crush

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I think it depends on the relationship. Some people have standards about stuff like that but other people are fairly loose with who they are happy with their partner seeing. An asexual relationship for example may be easier for a partner to tolerate exes being friends with one partner as long as the friendship doesnt take precedent over the relationship. The sexual element that creates the jealousy on most part is not an issue.

Also poly relatiionships likely allow more ex friendship. Perhaps people just need to find the right kind of relationship for them.

While I see nothing wrong in having opposite sex friends while in a relationship, I think the issue is that you mentioned that your ex-crush is your ideal woman, and it is making your current girlfriend feel insecure and not good enough.

If it weren't for that, I would have no problem with the two of you being friends. If you have hit a snag with your current partner, discuss it with her, and maybe it can help improve your relationship.

Wow! I didn't realize this would get so hot!

Let me clarify something else. "DEFRIEND" is too strong a word. The SO wants me to DOWNGRADE the ex-crush to DISTANT FRIEND status so she can be the special woman in my life. That is quite understandable given the situation. What could very well be going on here is the because my confusion over emotions (yes, I have Asperger's) may make so that I don't understand how strong her feelings for me really are.

This ex-crush is effectively right now in the position of being a best friend (well, tied for best friend) who happens to be of the opposite gender. And you are correct, it is very hard for me to make new friends, and one of my acquaintances said that it would be unwise for me to downgrade anyone as a result.

Note that the ex-crush knows the SO and thinks we should all be mutual friends.

The SO is definitely jealous. For instance, the ex-crush told me that she had extra Red Sox tickets for me and the SO (her father has season tickets) and asked if we wanted them. I send the SO the message and she said she couldn't, plus...

"BTW, how did you find out about the Red Sox tickets? Did you call her? 'Cause I'd like you to not call her for a while."

As a matter of fact, I HADN'T called the ex-crush: she had written back to me after I had told her that the SO wanted me to back of a little. The ex-crush was very sad, by the way, when she heard that.

I almost feel like I'm getting scared of the SO, which is something I need to look out for because I have a reputation of getting scared very easily.

By the way, keep in mind the SO is going through a VERY difficult period right now. She just defended her Ph.D thesis and is going to be moving to Chile for a postdoc, separating from me. That's stressful enough.

Finally, consider this. I'm 38. I have Asperger's. I have never been in a romantic relationship before, and we all know how hard it is for Aspies to fall in love. I'm concerned that if this falls apart, I'll have blown the only chance I had for a romantic partner.

^OP, did you actually bother to read the posts? Because your comments make it appear that you haven't.

I'm reading through the posts right now. Looks like most of you are agreeing with the SO, which makes sense to me. But it's going to be hard to downgrade a friend.

Let me explain what I mean by friends of the family. The ex-crush's mother lives very near my parents by sheer coincidence, whereas the SO's family doesn't. At one point, the ex-crush (along with some other friends and the SO) were over for Passover. She discussed starting up a business venture and needed funds. My mother offered to help and managed to get her funds. The business got going and my mother wound up on the ex-crush's company's board of directors. The meetings were at the ex-crush's mother's house, so she met the mother and grew to like the mother.

My family hasn't met the SO's (rather large) extended family yet, but that's primarily because they don't live near her. They've met a couple of the SO's sisters though. My mother had offered to host a graduation party for the SO at my parents' place but that fell through because my family keeps Kosher and the SO's family wanted to bring pork in and so forth.

^Thanks, OP - that explains it (cause it really didn't seem like you'd read the posts).

I think there is one thing here that people are not thinking of. The ex crush is not an ex girlfriend. I think there is a sort of mindset that girlfriends have, they think that everyone must perceive their boyfriends like they do, ie amazingly handsome. I have had girls get jealous when I was talking to their boyfriends but actually i had no interest whatsoever in their boyfriend, and they seemed to assume I would like the male because they did. These days I avoid other peoples boyfriends or husbands altogether.

In a way I think it is up to the girlfriend to decide how much she is comfortable with the situation. It also depends how much feeling there is in the relationship, or is it just convenience? Why are you with her? Even if you do downgrade the girl to a distant friend it wont really solve the reasons why you ended up with the 2 girl situation.

I think it can be hard though to just be blak and white ometimes. Friends come into peoples lives and they can be either gender. The real question is, is that ex-crush a friend, or is she a potential girlfriend. If she is a potential girlfriend then that is not a good situation for anyone.