FINDING A MAN IS TOUGH

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What I mean when I say I have "standards" is that I want a man who behaves in a way that I can respect. I don't care if he likes cats or motorbikes or wears odd socks. I mean I want somoene who is kind to others, who for example when we are at a friend's house for dinner offers to do the dishes. Or if a friend is in hospital goes and visits them to make sure they are ok and are not feeling lonely.

I want someone who respects me as an individual, not just a guy who wants to be around me simply because I'm a woman and he'd go for any woman and he's just with me because I said yes. I've had a couple of people in the wrong circumstances (unavailable) tell me that they admire me for being unique and intelligent and for being kind. I want someone who sees me for who I am, as a real person. I'm not just a piece of meat!

Lowering my standards would mean accepting the attention of a man who makes sexist comments, someone who lies all the time, someone who has a drinking problem, somone who is lazy, someone who is rude to others, someone who isn't clean, someone who makes me fell uncomfortable, someone who bores me or whom I can't converse with on an equal footing etc.

And yes, there has to be chemistry. We have to feel comfortable together equally and enjoy being around each other equally. We must love spending time together and enjoy being friends and both want more time together and want to share our lives together.

I definately think the best thing to do is keep meeting new people. Self improvement is also important. Enhance who you already are. Think about ways that you can care about another human being and try and be active about doing so. Don't just do this with potential boyfriend/girlfriends. Be kind to everyone. Old people, children, relatives, friends. Work on including people in your life and enjoying them and doing things to help them. Maybe do some volunteer work to build your self esteem.

I would never think of doing any of those things, but i would be happy to and i'm a nice guy.



Does it? What if he smells nice and offers to do peoples dishes but has a drinking problem? What if he is a hard worker but is afraid of hospitals. What if he has all the time in the world for you but cuts the queue at McDonalds? You say if you can't get your ideal partner he will be your nightmare. The world just isn't that black and white. everybody who is married accepts their partner as having major flaws and fantastic good points. It's a balancing act that when it's balanced right, makes you happy.

Last edited by Knifey on 24 Aug 2011, 10:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

Had the OP been a man, I would have posted a similar message.

Setting one's standards so high that they are impossible to meet, or constructing a list of qualifications and expecting one person to meet every one of them, and then complaining that there are no eligible candidates is completely unrealistic.

A more gender-neutral example might be a job listing that requires all candidates to be 21 years old, hold a Master's Degree, and have 30 years experience in a field of science that has not yet been established; then the employer complains that there are no eligible candidates.

Standards are good, but making the standards impossible for anyone to meet is ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is when the standard-setter then complains that no one can meet the his or her impossible standards.

I would just like to point out I used the term "for example" and gave examples rather than generalisations so that people would understand what I was on about. These are not hard and fast rules. For example, if he was lovely, but had a drinking problem, no thanks, bye bye.
If he was all those things, but made me feel uncomfortable, then I wouldn't consider him. I need to feel safe. I grew up in a volatile household and need to be treated gently. I can't live with a moody person again, my nerves would be shot.
I've had a rough upbringing the wrong person could seriously mess my life up. Older divorced women tell me this too. Its better to be alone than emotionally abused. I have peace alone.
But you are right, it has to be a balancing act. However some things will always be unacceptable.

You ignored my words on chemistry. If me n him are happy and it feels right, it is right.

Hell no. Date them. Romantic interest is fickle and usually a terrible judge of compatibility. I fell in love straight away several times and all of them were disastrous. I fell in lust straight away after that, and while it lasted a whole year I was simultaneously being driven mad by his personality and lack of any common sense. He's a lot older than me but much less mature. My current partner of ten years I met purely for a bit of fun and we didn't get all that serious for a few dates.

There are two reasons for dating your male friends.
(1) Love at first sight often fizzles out quickly. The heady thrill cannot last. A solid relationship is one that grows over time based on shared experiences. You already know your friends well and have shared a number of experiences with them. Adding a sexual dimension can deepen the relationship, not necessarily damage it.
(2) Even if the relationship doesn't work out, it can only do you good to get into one. Long-term single people give off warning signals to potential dates - it can imply that you're a dating disaster even if you're not. You'll be much more marketable if you're coming from a relationship. You'll also get that essential element - practice. You may well be doing a host of things wrong in your dating, and you won't get them right until you go round the block a few times.

In short - romance is for novels and musicians. It's great if it happens, but it's never like the films, and for us aspies it's much harder to pull off. So forget romance and go for a pragmatic approach. Hey, once you're married for long enough the romance turns into simple friendship anyway.

True, but the less dates one gets, the less the probability of finding the compatible one would be.
Higher probability of getting dates ==> More dates ==> higher probability of finding the right one.
Less probability of getting dates ==> less dates ==> lower probability of finding the right one.

However, aspie men are less likely to get dates especially if they're just relying on online dating. Hence the whining of many of them.

Not only women need to find the right one, men need to find their right one too, but I noticed that society often forget about that.

Well, what would be the deal-breakers? For me, they would be:

• Chemical addictions, including alcohol and tobacco, but excluding medical dependencies like insulin, anti-migraine meds, or any other prescribed treatment for a medical condition.
• Criminal record, especially one involving violence, murder, or child abuse.
• Currently married. I'm sorry, but the marriage is not over until the judge grants the divorce - "getting a divorce" is not the same as "single".
• Poor hygiene. Any woman that always smells worse than I do after I've worked out is no woman that I find attractive.
• Fanatically religious. No matter how similar our beliefs may be, she will eventually find something about me that makes me evil in her eyes.
• Fanatically political. Ditto.
• Morbid vanity. There is no way that I can have a satisfying relationship with a woman that goes into conniptions over a few grey hairs or a few extra pounds, which brings me to...
• Morbid obesity. Not just "overweight", not just "plump", but so heavy that I could not lift her out of a wrecked car to save her life.
• Chronically contentious. Old Solomon was right; it is better to live on the corner of a roof than inside a house with a contentious woman (argumentative, contrary, critical, disrespectful, et cetera). Been there, done that, never will again, full stop.
• Meddlesome relatives. Our relationship should be between the two of us, without any third-party relatives "advising" her on how to treat me.

Non-deal breakers?

• Chronic health conditions requiring regular medical treatments, including clinical depression, bipolarism, diabetes, migraines, et cetera.
• Bisexuality.
• Can't cook.
• Phobias.
• Hobbies.
• Higher education.
• Greater intelligence.
• Loves/wants pets and/or children.

Ladies, what would be "deal-breakers" for you?

yeah me and my best friend have a double date planed. I'm excited.