Trust after abuse

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Thanks. A lot of people have said similar things, so maybe it's time I actually started believing it.

Yes, I second what curlyfry said. You are a wonderful, evocative writer, too.

Thank you. ^_^

+1.

I didn't know you followed my writing.

I don't. What you write on here is enough.

Oh, okay. I thought maybe you'd had a peek at my tumblr or something.

Thanks.

Might just do that.

Hope you have fun with that.

yeah, i would agree with this. i would say that if you haven't done any counselling about abuse since you left your last abusive partner then aiming to trust again is maybe a misguided goal. i really think you really shouldn't just trust again without learning how to properly protect yourself and to learn how to be stronger and to identify an abuser. it's all well and good on paper with a checklist-type assessment, but real life doesn't work like that.

i think that a person who has been victimised by abuse (especially multiple times) should understand the dynamics that pu them into abusive situations in the first place. they would need to learn to avoid the cycle. there is a helpful concept called "Karpman's Triangle" that emphasises the importance of understanding that the victim/persecutor/rescuer dynamic:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

in the context of this this triangle, it is understood that these roles perpetuate ach other and cannot exist without each other. the victim is an important as the abuser in this dynamic. the roles are flexible though, so a victim can also become the abuser (you mentioned emotional coldness, though i don't know if it was bad enough to be considered abusive).

trying to learn to trust again without getting targeted counselling to assist you with the underlying issues that place you in the victim role is potentially placing yourself in the same position all over again. there isn't any reason to expect anything will change as you are still entering the relationship as the victim and the other person may easily fill the abuser role (or the rescuer, which can flip over to abuser as long as you are on the victim role). if you call a local women's shelter they may be able to tell you about free counselling for people who have left abusive relationships.

you should really have no reason to trust anyone at this point.

I did. Some of them didn't make sense to me but some of the other ones are very evocative and bring to mind a different time in a place I'll probably never visit.

Thank you, hyperlexian. This is very helpful. I do know how to identify some abusers, but it appears some still fly under my radar.

I'm not surprised you didn't understand some of them. I even wrote a blog post about that a little over a week ago. heh

I hate not trusting people because I like to see each individual as different and naturally good. I also like to understand people and work things out but over time I have found this to be impossible with some.

A few things I have learned that might help:
1. Wait a few months before entering a relationship
2. Set your boundaries right away - NOBODY should determine your self worth. If they call you names. Say something like "Did you seriously just call me...." It usually puts a stop to it.
3. People who are unwilling to compromise and/or see your POV or help you to understand their POV are not worth keeping around. I had a guy tell me that it isn't my prerogative to know/understand. Its only how I want to see it. (which i think is complete bs)