Dating during teenage years?

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This is probably what I look like to other people in high school when I talk to girls

Was never interested in dating for most of my teenage years, had a few crushes here and there (one of them even liked me back) but I never really wanted a relationship with them. Not until I was 17 and developed a much more serious crush on another girl I started thinking about it, but things didn't work out with her. Nothing's really happened since then.

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My only experiences with dating was rather pathetic, back in 8th grade I "dated" a few girls. The first girl(Emily, a friend of my sister) I dated was set-up by my younger sister, that relationship lasted about a week, I didn't really like her (this was back in 7th grade). After that I dated a girl (Cheyanne) that I actually kind of liked (I really liked her back then), that relationship lasted about two school weeks (she broke up with me after the holiday break). I went for a really long time wondering why she broke up with me, now I realize my problem was a lack of socialization. I barely talked to her in person at school(I did talk with her for hours on the phone once). The breakup resulted in me being really depressed and I kind of went in a downward spiral, I finished Bioshock and played other games like crazy as sort of a coping method, although I'm well over it now back then I was a mess.

Months after that I dated another girl (Kayla), she actually seemed to be interested in me at the time and I liked her. She was more weird like myself, more of an outcast (pretty sure she was neurotypical though). I never developed much of a relationship with her or learned about her interests but I think that relationship would have lasted longer had I not done something I consider very idiotic now. I was riding the bus, some of the girls knew that I was dating her and they called the girl I was dating ugly (the girls I mention were a lot less attractive), for some freaking idiotic reason 13 year old me basically said "I can't date a girl called ugly by other girls" and I broke up with her. She was actually really pretty, she was slim, and she had dark hair and a cute face, she looks even better now. I feel like a freaking idiot for what I did, I suppose most people think of their teenage self as at least rather naive.

I dated two other girls after that, the girl (Telisha) that I dated after Kayla was into me because of my shaggy dare I say "Bieber-like" hair, that was when 8th grade was about over and we just sort of lost contact. The last girl I dated (Courtney) was set-up by my sister(this was during 9th grade, Courtney was in the same grade as my sister, 7th) this did not last long either, there wasn't really any connection. The reason I put quotations around "dated" in the first sentence is because I never really went out with any of the girls I had a relationship with, I only had awkward conversations at school and on the phone with them. I've been single ever since then, as I got older around 15(I was no longer in normal school at that time, I started doing homebound schooling in the last part of 9th grade because of depression, aspergers, OCD and anxiety) I got to were I thought it was a complete waste of time trying to date people in school. I kind of disagree with that now, I wouldn't be posting here if I still didn't care about dating and romance.

I didn't have any desire or even really considered the idea of a relationship till I was 20 & a girl I was friends with on a forum admitted she liked me. I think it's good I didn't want a relationship in my teens. I had a hard enough ime dealing with school & my peers & I just wanted/needed to be left alone when I wasn't there

at the mercy of the women.

Always interested in relationships as far back as I can remember. Was actually friends w/ a lot of girls from first grade through 6th. Middle school narrowed them even more, and then by the time high school came around, only aquaintences. I asked a few girls out in middle school but they said no, one that wanted to go out with me since we were friends but I was scared / stupid and didn't and regret it to this day. Lost contact with her for years then ran into her in college but obviously she didn't seem interested anymore, now she is a stay at home mom.

3 others asked me but my gut told me not to and boy was it right. All were always unfaithful to their boyfriends, hard into drugs, etc. and would not have been go in my life.

After high school I became good friends with a girl who loved to sleep around alot. I remember going to parties and she would make out w/ at least 9 guys there, then would move onto women. She asked about having a relationship with me and I politely turned her down but still stayed friends. Only girl that I ever connected with and actually could completely open up to w/out having to worry about anything. I tried to help her out and change her life the little bit I could but I couldn't stop her. She then got raped, and she became so distant and I lost her and that still hurts me to this day. I then heard through rumors that she was murdered. But now I'm not so sure that is true.

2 years ago after a month or so of flirting w/ a cashier at the local gas station I finally worked up the courage to ask this girl out. Took her out to lunch (is that a date?) then attempted to make plans for a few weeks later and always at the last minute she would cancel. Even 45 mins before I had to pick her up. I finally called her out for being a brat and aparently she didn't like that. Plus it wouldn't be good anyways since I was 26 and she was 19, gorgeous, bi, and insanely deep into crazy drugs.

So I only really attract partiers / druggies. I did that aswell for many years to dull the pain, but I have been completely clean for a long time now and even before that I just not attract caring women. So in reality I guess I can say that I never dated at all. I don't have a close circle of friends or really anyone to call a friend at all. From all of my years I learned that everyone seems to have an agenda and I get screwed due to being willing to help anyone, then I have no trust for anyone anymore.

I have this image in my head that dating is the best in your teen years because it is so new to everyone, you don't have so many responsibilities, just time to enjoy each others company and get to know them and really build on a relationship. What I see around me now is dating and relationships are only for financial gain of the opposite party, only about lust and nothing worth a s**t. Love doesn't seem to exist anymore and I think that is dieing off w/ the older generations along with the ability to do things for yourself and not expect everything to be handed to you. All I see around me is when people ask about others that they are interested in regarding a relationship, they don't ask about their viewpoints, goals, interests, passions, they ask "what kinda of job does he have?" "what kind of car does he drive?" "How much money does he make?" I want no part of this mentality.

So I sit alone and bury myself in a lot of work and hobbies. I want to either re-do life, or break this mold but I just don't fit in. I really never have and it has been etched in my brain form all the experiences I have encountered in my life and has "hardened" my heart. I am still open to love but I don't search for it anymore. I am an open book to people online, I only ever encountered 1 person that I felt I could be open with in real life and that was short lived. I haven't had that oppurtunity in 8 years. I don't know if I could ever admit that I was a virgin to someone other than online. It scares people away. I haven't even had a hug from a women in 8 years. No physical contact (not even asking for sex) really can break your spirit. Like having a pet that you never play with, or interact with, and only keeping them in a cage, and only feeding them. They will die early for no companionship. Social creatures that have no social aspect ever is painful. I relate to that unloved pet, craving love and attention, never getting it, and dieing of a broken heart.

.......I may have gone off topic