Hardest thing for you related to relationships

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I'm so sorry to hear about this. Sorry for your losses.

The hardest thing for me is actually talking to a girl in the first place let alone actually asking her out which I don't think I can do for my extreme fear of rejection.

initiating/escalating

What I also find hard with regards to dating is that I do not like stupid men (stupid people I mean, but I like men). With stupid I mean short shighted and simple. People that go: 'it's just because' or 'That's just the way it is' or 'But everyone is just different'. I've started to hate the word 'just'. People assuming that things are 'simply' one way or another. I've learnt that things in society and human behaviour aren't so simple and go way beyond the surface. I graduated from high school with a 9.7 for my exam in philosphy. I am a deepthinker, visionary and professors have told my I am a great reflector. This is also what I look for in a man. Unfortunately, very few people are actually good at reflecting, thinking and performing introspection. Most people don't think or challenge their beliefs a lot, not even the most educated people. It's what turns me off about most men. The intellectual fullfillment almost always lacks in relationships.

But with that in mind you would have to get to know some people first, which by itself is a struggle for many people on a forum as this one.

I do agree though; that kind of attitude with people, and in my case women, drives me up the wall. However; I can understand not everyone is up for it all the time. Constant debating and arguing gets tiring. The worst I once had, which luckily did not lead to a break up; getting intimate with your significant other and asking "why do you like this"... that might very well end in "well, I just do". Granted, timing is terrible in such a case, but still it's no different than asking why someone feels X about a certain topic. Or why someone likes strawberries.

Perhaps reflection and the ability to think a bit deeper has it's place and that to me makes it a bit harder, because "when and where is that place?" the amount of questions I reguarly have when I'm engaging with people, be it friends, loved ones or even strangers... as much as it is exhausting to some people to feel their beliefs and ideals are being questioned, it's very much just as exhausting to not find someone who is up for it.

Intellectual fullfillment can take many forms though, questioning things and wanting to know what makes someone tick is one of them. I like to question these things as well, however, I also like to discuss polyrhythms during breakfast and the impact of certain technology in society during lunch. (and that drives people up the wall as well)

Too bad we don't live nearby

It's such a pitty when you meet an amazing guy who is hot, smart and cute and then he says something incredibly stupid or he looks basic reflective skills.

Considering you've popped up in the dutch section on this forum, that might actually not be true,lol.

But speaking dutch is not an indication to live in The Netherlands either.

Something that is hard for me is that I don't know how to date. If I don't know how to do something (if I don't know the established procedure or recipe or formula), I don't do it. I am not the type of person to just try something out and see how it goes, and I think dating is one of those things that one learns by taking action and reflecting on the results.

Quite a large chunk of the population is as you describe. Many of the more intellectual people may not be quite so apparent initially though. You typically have to get to know someone reasonably well before you can start talking about the really in-depth, philosophical or intellectual topics. In my case, talking in depth about those sorts of topics is actually a very personal thing, and I'm not comfortable doing it with people that I don't trust. Not to mention, superficiality dominates a lot of our day-to-day interaction, so just because someone appears superficial or simple initially doesn't necessarily mean that they really are.

Being liked back.

I've never even gotten that far.

You are right about that. I usually don't judge very quickly but I often get turned off by the guy because he later seems to lack that intellectual mindset. The hunger for wisdom. Plenty of intelligent guys turn me off as well, because they might be smart on paper but they lack an intellectual, thoughtful, curious mindset and assume that 'it's okay because that's just the way it is'. No, it's not. And if a guys stops thinking there, the dating stops there. I am not interested in arguing with someone with a 'it's just the way it is' or 'it's normal so it's okay' or 'everyone does it so I'm right' kind of mindset. Those men exhaust me and can't satisfy my cognitive needs.

That is true. We also have the tendency to go into too much detail on things. This does not necessarily mean we are more intellectual, just that we like to dig deep and mine data on a particular subject.

Last edited by Vomelche on 20 Nov 2014, 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have been married for almost 8 years now and for me it is the "me" time and free will to do what I please, whenever I please (respectfully, nothing that would hurt my partner) that can bother me. I like my independence and I can easily feel alloyed or smothered if I do not get the adequate amount of space. I don't like to be controlled, bossed, or told what to do in any way as well and partners have a tendency to do this, even if it is mildly.

starting and keeping conversations going with women that stand out

Getting a girlfriend is tough...because it takes me being real familiar with someone to not be serious and reserved at first, and those are two traits not really good for attracting women in today's world.

Then when you have one...I guess my biggest issue is that I have difficulty with dealing with others. I try to be honest and open about everything, and to work as hard as I can to make the relationship work, which I think can be stressful to some as I work a lot to try to make sure things are fine. I don't know if that's a bad thing, but just whenever I commit to something, or someone, I go all-out...that's probably a bad thing in modern society because that might be misconstrued as needy. I'm mostly fine without someone and on my own during a relationship, it's just when I'm with someone, someone that I'm finally comfortable with, I just am excited to work my tail off to be as good as I can be for her.

The other issue I have, is being neurotic. I have a really good memory, so I'll remember exact conversations, so if things don't line up in different conversations about the same thing, I'll notice and then I get paranoid because I find out that she hasn't been entirely honest about something. Once or twice I'll shrug off, but it'll stay in the back of my head and nag at me every so often. After a bunch of times of that happening, I end up losing most of the trust I had, and the girl gets frustrated because she has to watch what she says or I'll notice if she's not being honest. I actually have trouble letting things go in general, so if I keep getting burned, it'll bother me a lot and I'll have real issues with the girl because I have a lot of trouble opening up and trusting others.

So I guess in addition to having trouble attracting someone, I would say I'm stressful. My neurosis/anxiety coupled with (or stemming from) my Aspergers makes me a stressful partner. Though, I always appreciate when any girl takes a chance on me so when I do get those chances, I work as hard as I can for her...I just think I need someone who is honest with herself and others, isn't afraid to openly communicate instead of playing games, and appreciates hard work, especially when it comes to relationships (needs to be more accepting of my flaws, I don't want to get dumped and have my Aspergers holding her back be cited as a reason for it).