Sweetleaf
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27 Dec 2016, 2:17 pm
AngelRho wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
It's effective, that's why.
It's effective because everyone, without exception, is motivated by self-interest. Learning to exploit human greed and selfishness is the key to winning friends (and lovers). Even Jesus made note of this. And even Jesus was quoting the OT. And you find the idea of reciprocity in virtually every single culture, religion, society, and philosophy across millennia of recorded human history.
Everyone wants to feel important. When you act interested in someone else, they feel important. When you help someone with something, they feel important. When you remember names, birthdays, special occasions, they feel important. When you ask someone about something they care about, they feel important. When you engage in an activity that someone enjoys, especially at your own expense, they feel important. Giving gifts, although that one's tricky, makes people feel important. Sexual gratification REALLY makes people feel important, but that's it's own topic.
The more you make people feel important, the more they want to be with you. To a large degree, it's mostly fake.
Where it ISN'T fake is when you have a genuine interest in other people. You do things out of a concern for other people. The fake part is WHAT you do. The WHAT doesn't matter so much as the WHY. That's why I have no problem faking an interest in bowling (the what) because of how highly I value time with someone (the why). When you show that you value people, they take notice.
When they take notice, you become interesting. They value your presence, your feedback, your opinion, etc. because it makes them feel (what?) IMPORTANT. And because they want you around, they will come out if the woodwork to build you up and make you feel important. Some will even be willing to die for you.
Matthew 7:12 says "Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them — this is the Law and the Prophets."
Leviticus 19:18--“Do not take revenge or bear a grudge against members of your community, but love your neighbor as yourself; I am Yahweh.”
And again, Leviticus 19:34--“You must regard the foreigner who lives with you as the native-born among you. You are to love him as yourself, for you were foreigners in the land of Egypt; I am Yahweh your God.”
Therefore, if you want to be interesting, BE INTERESTED, If you want to be loved, LOVE. If you need help, then HELP. If you want to be famous, sing the praises of others. If you want to be important to someone, make that person important.
It doesn't matter how you feel. It's all about how HE feels, or how SHE feels. Wealthy and powerful people have a HABIT of doing this, lifting up others and making them feel important. Nobody attains wealth and authority alone. And if it makes some gifted people rich and famous, using it to solidify a romantic relationship should be a no-brainer.
It's effective because everyone, without exception, is motivated by self-interest. Learning to exploit human greed and selfishness is the key to winning friends (and lovers). Even Jesus made note of this. And even Jesus was quoting the OT. And you find the idea of reciprocity in virtually every single culture, religion, society, and philosophy across millennia of recorded human history.
Everyone wants to feel important. When you act interested in someone else, they feel important. When you help someone with something, they feel important. When you remember names, birthdays, special occasions, they feel important. When you ask someone about something they care about, they feel important. When you engage in an activity that someone enjoys, especially at your own expense, they feel important. Giving gifts, although that one's tricky, makes people feel important. Sexual gratification REALLY makes people feel important, but that's it's own topic.
The more you make people feel important, the more they want to be with you. To a large degree, it's mostly fake.
Where it ISN'T fake is when you have a genuine interest in other people. You do things out of a concern for other people. The fake part is WHAT you do. The WHAT doesn't matter so much as the WHY. That's why I have no problem faking an interest in bowling (the what) because of how highly I value time with someone (the why). When you show that you value people, they take notice.
When they take notice, you become interesting. They value your presence, your feedback, your opinion, etc. because it makes them feel (what?) IMPORTANT. And because they want you around, they will come out if the woodwork to build you up and make you feel important. Some will even be willing to die for you.
Matthew 7:12 says "Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them — this is the Law and the Prophets."
Leviticus 19:18--“Do not take revenge or bear a grudge against members of your community, but love your neighbor as yourself; I am Yahweh.”
And again, Leviticus 19:34--“You must regard the foreigner who lives with you as the native-born among you. You are to love him as yourself, for you were foreigners in the land of Egypt; I am Yahweh your God.”
Therefore, if you want to be interesting, BE INTERESTED, If you want to be loved, LOVE. If you need help, then HELP. If you want to be famous, sing the praises of others. If you want to be important to someone, make that person important.
It doesn't matter how you feel. It's all about how HE feels, or how SHE feels. Wealthy and powerful people have a HABIT of doing this, lifting up others and making them feel important. Nobody attains wealth and authority alone. And if it makes some gifted people rich and famous, using it to solidify a romantic relationship should be a no-brainer.
I think it matters how both people feel, and it doesn't make sense to seek out people you have nothing in common with. I guess it makes more sense to me to seek out people you have things like interests in common with so you both genuinely enjoy some similar things instead of having to take turns faking interest. For instance if you don't have any interest in bowling why would you seek out women who love bowling? over women who share one of the interests you actually have? I just couldn't see being interested in someone if they don't like any of the things I like.
Because I'm interested in WOMEN, regardless of whether they love bowling or not. Bowling is just one example, but in all honesty I've never met a woman who was an exact carbon copy match of my and my interests. Every woman I've ever met, regardless of how well-matched we were, diverged from me at some point on some level. Since I value the WHOLE woman, not just the part I like but ALL of her, I want to look for ways to dig deeper and satisfy her on more levels than just the obvious. That means discovering the differences and meeting the less obvious needs, those things that make each woman a rare and unique gem. When she sees I'm paying attention, that I'm totally in awe of her, that, unworthy of as I am, that I want inside the inner sanctum, it completely changes the dynamic of the relationship.
It's the same exact reason guys need to be open to giving women oral sex, but we can save that for adult conversations.
Well I suppose I never felt interested in males in general, I was more interested in finding a specific guy with some things in common that I could have a lasting relationship with. For instance I know a lot of guys are into sports which I am not, and I don't think I would have tried to portray myself as a sports fan to get a guy. I did date one guy who turned out to be kind of into football, we had a couple other interests in common aside from that, I watched a little with him even though I don't care much for it but was open that I wasn't really into it. I didn't pretend to be more interested than I was really.
Also me and my boyfriend care about each other and see things as a team effort I wouldn't want him totally in awe of me, or for him to see himself as 'unworthy' in any way...I am his girlfriend and just a mere human not some kind of goddess. That sort of dynamic sounds like it would be really awkward and one sided.
27 Dec 2016, 2:24 pm
Sweetleaf
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27 Dec 2016, 2:28 pm
27 Dec 2016, 2:31 pm
27 Dec 2016, 6:01 pm
AngelRho
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27 Dec 2016, 6:03 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
She enjoys art. I know and care very little about art. So I look at one of her paintings and ask her about it. She explains her painting technique, why she did something a certain way. I say, wow, that's really cool! I never would have known that, thank you. She smiles and we talk more, because she feels appreciated and awesome. And I feel awesome because I made her feel awesome.
But do you really think its really cool or are you just saying that?
Doesn't matter what I think.
That's my whole point. This isn't about me.To answer your question directly, though, people fascinate me and I enjoy learning new things. So if I didn't appreciate art before, now my life has opened up to a whole new universe because of this hypothetical artist. I wasn't interested before because I didn't know I should be. Now I am, and I'm a better person because of it.
AngelRho
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27 Dec 2016, 6:06 pm
Luhluhluh wrote:
I don't know, I can see where AngelRho is coming from by thinking about my own relationship. My Aspie SO is absolutely fascinated with rocks. It's his thing and he has this rock collection that he's had for YEARS and he can tell you every little thing about every rock in that collection. It's ridiculous.
I really could not care less about rocks. Some of them are pretty, I'll grant you that, but it's just not my thing.
However, that being said, a few years ago I arranged a trip for the both of us to go to this rock festival up in Minnesota. He absolutely loved it. I arranged it and went because I knew it was something HE would enjoy and I found stuff to do while we were there. It was fun.
I guess it's more of not necessarily showing interest in their HOBBY itself but in that PERSON who has this particular hobby, if that makes any sense.
I really could not care less about rocks. Some of them are pretty, I'll grant you that, but it's just not my thing.
However, that being said, a few years ago I arranged a trip for the both of us to go to this rock festival up in Minnesota. He absolutely loved it. I arranged it and went because I knew it was something HE would enjoy and I found stuff to do while we were there. It was fun.
I guess it's more of not necessarily showing interest in their HOBBY itself but in that PERSON who has this particular hobby, if that makes any sense.
You are all kinds of awesome! Absolutely LOVE your sig.
AngelRho
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27 Dec 2016, 6:10 pm
Sweetleaf
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27 Dec 2016, 7:03 pm
AngelRho wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
She enjoys art. I know and care very little about art. So I look at one of her paintings and ask her about it. She explains her painting technique, why she did something a certain way. I say, wow, that's really cool! I never would have known that, thank you. She smiles and we talk more, because she feels appreciated and awesome. And I feel awesome because I made her feel awesome.
But do you really think its really cool or are you just saying that?
Doesn't matter what I think.
That's my whole point. This isn't about me.To answer your question directly, though, people fascinate me and I enjoy learning new things. So if I didn't appreciate art before, now my life has opened up to a whole new universe because of this hypothetical artist. I wasn't interested before because I didn't know I should be. Now I am, and I'm a better person because of it.
I suppose I see a relationship being about both people not just one or the other, I just can't see it as healthy to think your thoughts and feelings don't matter and only the feelings/thoughts a person you're romantically interested in matter. Still sounds like it would be very one sided....I mean if my boyfriend was convinced only my thoughts and feelings matter but not his then he'd just be going along with everything rather than giving any of his own input and ideas which I don't think I'd like. I wouldn't want to feel like his higher up, I like to feel like me and him are equals.
Sweetleaf
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27 Dec 2016, 7:07 pm
27 Dec 2016, 7:14 pm
27 Dec 2016, 7:16 pm
27 Dec 2016, 7:20 pm
Sweetleaf
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27 Dec 2016, 7:21 pm
AngelRho
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27 Dec 2016, 7:25 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
She enjoys art. I know and care very little about art. So I look at one of her paintings and ask her about it. She explains her painting technique, why she did something a certain way. I say, wow, that's really cool! I never would have known that, thank you. She smiles and we talk more, because she feels appreciated and awesome. And I feel awesome because I made her feel awesome.
But do you really think its really cool or are you just saying that?
Doesn't matter what I think.
That's my whole point. This isn't about me.To answer your question directly, though, people fascinate me and I enjoy learning new things. So if I didn't appreciate art before, now my life has opened up to a whole new universe because of this hypothetical artist. I wasn't interested before because I didn't know I should be. Now I am, and I'm a better person because of it.
I suppose I see a relationship being about both people not just one or the other, I just can't see it as healthy to think your thoughts and feelings don't matter and only the feelings/thoughts a person you're romantically interested in matter. Still sounds like it would be very one sided....I mean if my boyfriend was convinced only my thoughts and feelings matter but not his then he'd just be going along with everything rather than giving any of his own input and ideas which I don't think I'd like. I wouldn't want to feel like his higher up, I like to feel like me and him are equals.
Well, it's because you achieve synergy in the relationship. I mean, think about it... If EVERYONE was concerned about meeting the needs of others ahead of their own, does it not stand to reason that both partners would be equally invested in each other?
Ideally you want synergy. Everyone possesses a desire to have their own needs met ahead of all others. Successful and influential people figure out ways to get other people to meet their needs by first seeing that other people get taken care of first. The strongest relationships always put the other person first. Synergy is achieved when you have people working together for a common cause.
You seem to have that with your SO. That kind of thing is not necessarily a no-brainer for everyone.
Sweetleaf
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27 Dec 2016, 7:26 pm
