Why do we struggle with romance?

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rdos
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03 Jun 2018, 6:20 am

Friendships are not natural to me so why mix them up with relationships?

hurtloam
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03 Jun 2018, 6:31 am

rdos wrote:

Friendships are not natural to me so why mix them up with relationships?

It's a similar thing... becoming close to another human. But you give me hope. I'm not good at friendships either and you've managed to find someone compatible, so that makes me feel not so inadequate.

kraftiekortie
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03 Jun 2018, 6:49 am

It is said that most people have single-digit amount of friends. Usually can count them on one hand.

kraftiekortie
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03 Jun 2018, 7:12 am

To answer the original question:

It’s because we are stubborn, and have difficulty compromising.

We love our “special interests,” and want to share them.

Most people want a vacation from the intellectual, and want to discuss what people wore at such and such wedding instead. That’s a diversion from their workaday existence.

DW_a_mom
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04 Jun 2018, 4:47 pm

sly279 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

sly279 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

rdos wrote:

SilverStar wrote:

Sometimes, a woman will even throw her "checklist" out the window, if she becomes emotionally attached to someone.

Certainly, because these checklists are typically tools to narrow down on the number of potential partners.

In my experience, checklists too often are barriers to relationships. Like an avoidance tool. Most of the time they should get thrown out.

I think as it seems from my experience is most women would rather be single for the rest of their life then date a guy who doesn’t meet all checklist. Love died and was replaced with business partnerships. It’s all about what the other person has, gives or will have or give one day.

Again, avoidance tools. When women expect too much it is often because their subconscious knows they aren't in the right life space for a relationship. You have to remember that the result of being in a relationship for women is different than it is for men; it can interfere with a lot of things we might need to do for ourselves and by ourselves (it can for men, too, but it's still, well, just different). So if there are a lot of those bridges left to cross, women can be a little at war with themselves, wanting a relationship but also knowing in the back of their heads that having one wouldn't actually be the best choice.

I played that game with myself for over a decade, not that I knew it at the time. It's good being on the other side and realizing that my life path actually went the way it needed to, and seeing how my own subconscious drove so much more than I knew.

Unfortunately for guys like you, more and more women are in life phases that go better without men in them. Its cutting back the pool of women to date. I don't think the driving force is economics, I think its social, driven mostly by what women lose when in relationships, even if they aren't consciously aware of it.

Then why do hey end up with guys who meet their checklist, no it’s just they want a well off guy. Check list is all about mans social and economical status. His job, car, home etc
They want to date they just don’t want to date poor men

They don't. I've seen plenty of women end up married to men that had none of the items on the checklist. Your perception that they do is most likely confirmation bias: you see what you expect to see.

I've never denied that being established makes dating easier. It makes everything about life easier. It shows that a person has their act together, and it is easier to be in a relationship with someone who has their act together. But that doesn't mean everyone else is permanently shut out.

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studentM
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05 Jun 2018, 8:52 am

hurtloam wrote:

How many of us are good at even forming close friendships? The people I know apart from maybe 2 are just acquaintances. It's difficult to bond with other humans. I don't know why. I just don't feel a connection to anyone. It's all just forced effort. Nothing ever comes naturally to me.

It's the same with relationships. Even when I get along well with someone I can never move it past being acquaintances and they never want to have anything more.

It's all a mystery to me how anyone gets together.

This is a great post, and I agree with everything you said.

People tend to seek me out the less interest I show. I try to be polite and ask questions, but I'm very rarely asked about me. So, I listen (which is hard) to others talk about themselves, and I nod.

It seems to work out better for me this way. It doesn't feel like connecting though. I mostly feel used as a sounding board.

auntblabby
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05 Jun 2018, 4:05 pm

it's been my experience that folks in general wanna be listened-to more than they wanna listen. mankind won't progress until that defective bit of human nature changes, and we're running out of time.

sly279
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05 Jun 2018, 5:28 pm

auntblabby wrote:

sly279 wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

some of us just don't got the romance genes. :alien:

But I’m very romantic. Female friends have said I’d make a great bf in that sense.

too bad none of those female friends bothered to at least put in a good word about you with at least one of their friends.

I’m not good enough for their friends they honest about that. Yes I’d make a good bf if I was well off. They want a guy with my traits but who’s also well off.

auntblabby
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05 Jun 2018, 5:41 pm

sly279 wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

sly279 wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

some of us just don't got the romance genes. :alien:

But I’m very romantic. Female friends have said I’d make a great bf in that sense.

too bad none of those female friends bothered to at least put in a good word about you with at least one of their friends.

I’m not good enough for their friends they honest about that. Yes I’d make a good bf if I was well off. They want a guy with my traits but who’s also well off.

if they want kindness with money smarts in one package, they got a long wait. those two are very nearly mutually exclusive.

hurtloam
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07 Jun 2018, 11:18 pm

auntblabby wrote:

sly279 wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

sly279 wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

some of us just don't got the romance genes. :alien:

But I’m very romantic. Female friends have said I’d make a great bf in that sense.

too bad none of those female friends bothered to at least put in a good word about you with at least one of their friends.

I’m not good enough for their friends they honest about that. Yes I’d make a good bf if I was well off. They want a guy with my traits but who’s also well off.

if they want kindness with money smarts in one package, they got a long wait. those two are very nearly mutually exclusive.

Well that's cognitive dissonance if ever I heard it. Of course you can be good with money and still have a good and kind personality. A little bit of inverted snobbery there. :roll:

auntblabby
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07 Jun 2018, 11:44 pm

reflective of amuurican political situation. also there's a reason the good book said a camel could go through the eye of the needle easier than a rich man could enter the gates of heaven. :idea:

Hollywood_Guy
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08 Jun 2018, 9:28 pm

auntblabby wrote:

reflective of amuurican political situation. also there's a reason the good book said a camel could go through the eye of the needle easier than a rich man could enter the gates of heaven. :idea:

What does this concept in the Bible have to do with romance?

auntblabby
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08 Jun 2018, 9:33 pm

Hollywood_Guy wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

reflective of amuurican political situation. also there's a reason the good book said a camel could go through the eye of the needle easier than a rich man could enter the gates of heaven. :idea:

What does this concept in the Bible have to do with romance?

it was strictly in response to Sly's comment that "They want a guy with my traits but who’s also well off." I was merely saying that it's tough to find a good human being who is also rich and that the women who he said spurned him, will have a relatively tough time finding somebody both nice AND rich who is into them. I should have said "nice to THEM" beyond the courting phase.

sly279
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08 Jun 2018, 10:11 pm

auntblabby wrote:

Hollywood_Guy wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

reflective of amuurican political situation. also there's a reason the good book said a camel could go through the eye of the needle easier than a rich man could enter the gates of heaven. :idea:

What does this concept in the Bible have to do with romance?

But they can change him they say.
They can’t make me rich. I’m a poor investment for women. I wish I wasn’t religious

auntblabby
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08 Jun 2018, 10:22 pm

sly279 wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

Hollywood_Guy wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

reflective of amuurican political situation. also there's a reason the good book said a camel could go through the eye of the needle easier than a rich man could enter the gates of heaven. :idea:

What does this concept in the Bible have to do with romance?

But they can change him they say. They can’t make me rich. I’m a poor investment for women. I wish I wasn’t religious

nobody can make anybody else change at heart. what is it about being religious that you don't like?

sly279
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09 Jun 2018, 4:04 am

auntblabby wrote:

sly279 wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

Hollywood_Guy wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

reflective of amuurican political situation. also there's a reason the good book said a camel could go through the eye of the needle easier than a rich man could enter the gates of heaven. :idea:

What does this concept in the Bible have to do with romance?

But they can change him they say. They can’t make me rich. I’m a poor investment for women. I wish I wasn’t religious

nobody can make anybody else change at heart. what is it about being religious that you don't like?

Suicide being a sin. God wants to trap us in his horrible punishment so makes the only way out a sin sending you to hell

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