My girlfriend wants to have a child but I'm not ready yet

Post Reply New Topic

Yep , that's a risk , but if your kid turns out like you , you should have a better understanding and it should make you a better father.



Women are 10 per cent less fertile at 27, according to a study.

Experts have said up to now that female fertility begins to drop in the mid-30s.

But researchers found a woman's biological clock may start ticking years earlier.

They say 19 to 26-year-olds have a 50 per cent chance of conceiving two days before ovulation - a woman's most fertile time.

That drops to 40 per cent for those aged 27 to 34.

After 35, the women studied had only a 30 per cent chance of falling pregnant in any given month. Those with a partner five years older or more face a further struggle as sperm quality declines with age.

A woman of 35 with an older partner would have a 20 per cent chance of conceiving in any month, says the journal of Human Reproduction.

Scientists at the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences in North Carolina and the University of Padua in Italy studied 872 healthy couples.

Their research is the first to indicate that female fertility declines before the age of 30.

But the doctors said the older women studied were not less able to conceive - it just took them longer.

Guilty as charged. I often don't seem myself as a real adult.

Yes they do. Not just me, I've noticed a lot of westerners who act like a kid well into their 30s.

Why? Western people didn't do that sort of thing in my grandfather's generation. My grandfather was quite mature in his early 20s. Also he got married when he was 22.

As for the current generation of thirty-something peter pans, I'm not sure if it's their own fault or caused by circumstances beyond their control. Is it a symptom of growing up in an increasingly complex world or is it caused by their own laziness?


He's lucky. There was literally only one Asian student at my high school. GF claims that she's prepared to look after a baby and I think she just might be. She's already proven herself to be a very dedicated housekeeper.

No doubt Asians are more academic and career minded, I was thinking GF might make a good tiger-mum. However, she's told me she doesn't believe in doing that sort of thing (unlike some of my previous Asian girlfriends). It seems like a shame because if she could be a proper tiger-mum our son could be a doctor.

GF only has a master's degree so by Chinese standards she's not that academic. Some of the other Chinese girls I've dated had PhDs. I only went up to high school so I'm not a good position to raise an academic child, although I would certainly supplement his schooling with some extra maths and programming lessons.

When I was in school, they did an awful job at teaching basic maths (teaching multiplication to a room full of 12 year olds when an average 7 year old could do that) and from what I've heard, little has changed in that department. More recently Australian schools have started teaching programming, badly. Parental intervention would surely be required to ensure the child learns to code properly.

Being an IT grunt that's about all I can do in regards to teaching. I don't have a background in science. GF has a master's in biotech so she may be more helpful than I could be.

She'll at least encourage the child to be somewhat studious. She was quite appalled when I suggested that I'd allow the child to play video games. Apparently in China they just don't do that. While I was worried the child might start playing distasteful games such as Farmville or Candycrush, she was worried the child would play games at all. Maybe she really is a tiger-mum

I let my kid play GTA even though they were not old enough as basically all they wanted to do was customize the character , buy him new clothes , tattoos , haircuts etc. I didn't see much harm in this until I realised how they were getting the money , they were picking up prostitutes then killing them for their evenings profits ( my kid turned out just fine in case your wondering )

I get letting your kid play a classic game like GTA 3 but Candy Crush on the iPad? Not in my house!!

You have to do what’s best for you. I’m just speaking from my own experience and the realities of being with a woman for a long, long time.

And I only say “long time” from looking at the numbers. It feels like it went too quickly.

But...yes, learn to play. I’m not all that warm and fuzzy and playful either, but I roughhoused with my kids early on. You just kinda make yourself do it. It’s the one time you can act like a complete idiot and nobody will judge you for it. Later on it’s less physical, but you get potty humor, jokes, insults. I don’t care for calling my kids idiots to their faces and I think about how I’d feel. But they learn that there really are insensitive idiots out there who don’t mean any harm but just have no filter. Understanding that makes it easier to use these people for your own purposes, or at least handle hostile situations diplomatically so you can talk your way out of a tight spot.

That’s important to me because my own humor is mostly lacking and extremely dry where it isn’t. Teaching them to be aware of that ultimately benefits them.

That’s where the play time comes in. We also share interests. I always wanted to get into archery but never had supportive parents for that kind of thing, not to mention lack of opportunity. I’m about to have two kids on the school archery team. So I coach my own and learn all I can while spending time myself shooting in the back yard. I get advice from coaches and work on the kids.

My oldest was failing social studies, so I spent time reading his textbook and retelling everything like the action-adventure and sci-fi movies he likes. VAST improvement because he started seeing how everything is connected.

It doesn’t really start out as fun if you don’t do fun, but after a while it just becomes part of your life and you can’t help it.

Babies...

That’s a whole other discussion, really. No, it’s not very interesting. I can’t handle poop. I just can’t. I don’t even want to think about the gallons of poop I must have waded through. My advice: get them toilet trained by 3 years.

My boys are bed wetters. It’s been a few weeks now, which is good. I think it’s a congenital thing on her side of the family. My wife had surgery for it and still struggled on into her teen years, and the men on her side all just had to outgrow it. We keep protective sheets on the mattresses and hope for the best.

That’s as challenging as it gets, just dealing with body waste.

Sleeping...

We do not have a problem keeping newborns in the room up to 4-6 months. We alternated nights instead of taking turns like a lot of people do. The reasoning is that everyone is awake if the baby cries. At least one person can get some rest from not having to worry about the baby, if not a full night of sleep.

Now, after that much time, you can expect the baby to sleep all night. “Good” parents train them for this. All we did was switch off the baby monitor! People would ask us if the baby slept all night. We’d say “Um, I GUESS. Heck if I know!” Our rule for bedtime is you have to go to bed. Nobody said anything about sleeping. We’ve never had a problem. The first few months, they sleep with us. Beyond that, they’re old enough to move out and get their own place.

Personally, I wouldn’t wait to buy a house. If the money is good, you can do whatever you want and pay in cash. If not, you’re better off just paying rent. I’m not comfortable assuming that much risk on a mortgage. We’ve mortgaged a house before thinking that was fairly standard and there wouldn’t be a problem. And then there WAS a problem. You get stuck when you buy a house. We had more freedom renting. We are looking at selling our (paid for) house and moving in the next few years. We’ll like rent for a while until buying becomes more favorable, but in my line of work the only way to move up is to keep moving. Not easy with kids, but you just make up your mind, “hey, this is what we’re going to do and that’s the end of it.”

You can’t really worry about how babies and kids hold up when that happens. They’re really tough, though. Parents these days tend to put up barriers between themselves and their children. The idea seems to be everyone else raises their children while they sit back and observe and complain about how this teacher or that coach isn’t getting results. So parents are constantly hovering over their kids, practically swinging the bat for them or doing their homework. And then they don’t understand why the kids end up on Xanax or why they are so rebellious or why parents feel like they don’t even know their own kids because they spent so much time with them.

What we did was make the kids a part of OUR activities instead of the other way around. They are musicians like we are. Mom likes to read, so the daughter is CONSTANTLY reading. I’m a teacher, so I pass along all the behind-the-desk kinds of secrets to help my own kids understand how to navigate a modern classroom. I had a knack for standardized tests, so I pass along all the tricks I used.

If gaming is your thing, start them early. My oldest used to play gears of war with me when he was 3. We had trouble with the language and some of his behavior, so we had to give that up. But if you have an avid gamer, brush up on probability and game theory and teach them that. Learn coding and show them how to make simple game apps for mobile devices. That can spin off into any number of different directions and your kid ends up making a killing in software.

Don’t look at them as babies. Look at them as untapped potential, blank slates that can be amazing.

And the free labor is a HUGE perk.

I don't know if there's a test for that. I'd have to hang out with you in person for some time to make my own assessment of what I thought of your level of functioning and ability to determine for yourself whether someone is taking advantage of you or not, if you seem naive or gullible, or if you seem to generally do just fine with those sorts of things in life & can certainly make your own very well thought out decisions.

Same goes for her and her objectives, tbh. All I know are the words you write here.. so, maybe in person I'd think differently of her - that she's a loving doting girlfriend with her eyes all starry and just really wants to be with you raising your family together forever.

Maybe I'm simply being too cynical and overly cautious, but, better safe than sorry when it comes to lifelong partners, having kids, marriage, home ownership together etc. Sometimes people just Know they're with "The One," but I'm sure you can understand my skepticism considering the relatively short term you two have even known each other.

What's in it for them w/ Australia? About the same thing as is in it for many wealthy Chinese people here in Canada: Getting their money safely out of China so that they no longer risk the Chinese government taking it from them. A nice little cynical movie quote for ya from "Vanilla Sky," - "What's the answer to 99 out of 100 questions that start with "Why?"" Answer: "Money." That's why so many Chinese families send their kids here - to park money outside of China ASAP while their kids put down roots and initiate the process for them and their parents to get Canadian citizenship. (often via various forms of immigration fraud, too.) They are certainly not all bad. Many are here to get a Canadian education - foreign students are a MASSIVE industry here, as they pay the highest tuition & rent prices, and buy very expensive luxury cars and other consumer crap. I have no idea what type of person or immigrant your gf is. Why does she say she moved to Australia?



As for babies: They are awesome. But I like kids & that's a part of why I'm God father to so many. People who have no use for kids until they're ~10 and can play video games with them baffle me. I totally get why most women LOVE babies; they're awesome.



As for your post about raising an academic child: My father is a steel stud framer & drywaller of 44 years. My mother ran a home daycare out of our family home. Neither is highly academically educated. I graduated from business school when I was 19, and now at 35, it's a very realistically achievable goal of mine to return to University studies until someone lets me into Medical School somewhere & then I do that. Just because you're not a super academic guy yourself doesn't mean your children won't be, nor that you're incapable of guiding them through academia.

But why? Why are they awesome?

In that case there could be some hope for me, even though my mother dropped out of school when she was 15 and my father is so stupid he actually believes vaccines are part of a government plot to poison people.

Have you never seen or held a baby before? Especially one close to you?

I have. Babies repulse me. They’re loud, slobbery, poopy messes. The mere idea of having a baby is a nightmare. I can completely understand where RetroGamer is coming from.

For an eastern culture, not having a kid at 30 for a woman is extremely late - so probably there’s a peer/cultural pressure at play.
But what surprises me that she’s ok with having a baby out of wedlock - this isn’t much acceptable in most eastern cultures. Maybe not so in the communist China.

Now I wanna point to a a racial stereotype that being throwing around here:
1- Just because she’s Chinese and he is White that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s planning to have a baby in order to get his green card and ruin his life.
Plenty of white women ruin white men’s lives in exactly the same fashion - the net is full of thise stories.

2- Any parent must provide for his baby; even if bringing him to life was unplanned and even if the couple got broke up. Honestly I don’t understand men who complain about child support, it’s the child’s right even if you end up hating the mother.


I say ask her to wait one more year, but don’t make promises.

Honestly If you feel not ready now at 30 it’s unlikely you will ever feel ready soon.

I recall you told us her family is rich so maybe you shouldn’t be afraid that she may be after your wealth? Did she put money into your appartment btw like she promised?

So he was role playing Jack the Ripper.

Not me.

Babies are the cutest thing ever. They're absolutely adorable. They're so small, innocent, pure, defenceless, and full of unimaginable potential to grow into amazing people. They're so much fun to teach & watch learn and grow. To see them experience everything for the first time and be in complete awe of the world around them that we all have taken for granted since the time we were their age. To see & sense their reactions to our voices, our faces, our touch.. babies communicate in the purest form of unconditional love for their parents & caregivers.

But then again, I'm one of those people that babies LOVE. Like complete strangers I've never ever met with their baby in a grocery store checkout line and the babies make eyes at me and laugh and smile and their parents are like "Whoa, s/he's never done that before!" kind of thing. I'd make the best baby photographer's assistant ever lol. But instead I'm just a good Godfather & Uncle to a bunch of small humans in my life.

Bodily functions, some fluids & things coming out both ends.. whatever - it's all a part of life, and people keep making babies because babies are worth having around. One of my friends who waited until he was around 32 years old to have a child did so because he wanted to be set financially before doing it - and he was - but then once he had his daughter his tune changed to "This is the most amazing thing ever & I have no idea why I waited so long, I could have afforded this years ago.. but I didn't know how truly awesome of an experience it would be. If people want kids and can afford to have them, just go ahead and make one already!" kind of thing.

It is absolutely bizarre to me when people say they dislike/hate babies or children. Especially when they say they hate kids and can't stand to be around them. It's like "Whoa, wtf? Are you forgetting that you were once a child that someone else raised, loved, nurtured, clothed, fed & taught?" BIZARRE! But at least those people realize they would make sh***y parents and opt not to procreate. What a horrible life that would be for a child.

Perhaps you just don't understand what they complain about.

Of course I must. Not just financially, I would have to invest time into raising it. I'm not denying that I would be morally obligated to spend time and money on a child if I had one.

The one thing I'm not obligated to provide the child is existence.

No, cats are. If I needed more cuteness in my life I'd get a cat. No baby will ever be as cute as a cat.

Absolutely right. I can not argue against this. Dirty diapers pushed me to the limits of sanity.

It’s just reality. If you care enough about her, when she wants it, give her the juice. The next part is going to suck. Just keep slogging at it from one day to the next.

I regularly hang out with much older folks. Sometimes I’d just say what was on my mind, not any legit complaint, but I’d just get tired. Nothing nobody has ever dealt with before. And I lost count of how many times I heard this said:

“This, too, shall pass.”

But yeah... Diapers with poop. And then there’s diarrhea and the diaper explodes. And vomit. At first it’s baby vomit from gas, so there’s that lingering milk/formula smell that really isn’t all that unpleasant. But then they get stomach viruses when they’re older and it’s wall-to-wall with everything they ate LAST week. And then their ears don’t drain right and you put tubes in and they’re leaking green mucus and pus all hours of the day, and their ears get crusty, red, and infected because it’s impossible to keep it clean. Or she gets a boil on her butt that you get to drain.

And then they get all kinds of diseases, sometimes stuff you never heard of. Hand/mouth/foot. Strep throat. Molluscum contagiosum. Fifth disease (wth???). Fungi, including but not limited to ringworm. Lice, ticks, fleas...but head lice are the absolute worst (92% isopropyl once weekly up to 3 months. Really just 2 months, but you can never be too careful).

You’ll become such an expert in childhood disease you’ll think you deserve a license in pediatrics.

Oh...and YOU will catch these disease right along with them. I self-medicate with Dramamine for stomach virus. Still feels like crap but keeps me away from the toilet.

I’m not saying I regret children. I love them and the good FAAAAAARRRRR outweighs the bad. If I can make it on combined family income of less than US $30k, I promise most everyone can, even Retro.

Just remember: raising kids is more like a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself wisely, keep it manageable. Unlike a marathon, though, you will have someone to help you when you hit the wall. Sometimes that person is one of the kids. Walk it off and just keep going.