So it turns out some girls assume I am gay.

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SilverStar
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22 Jul 2018, 9:19 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Being called "gay" by a women usually means a woman is interested in you romantically, but you aren't showing any interest in them back (which most guys do). This isn't always a bad thing!


This is usually said about hottie six-packed guys who won’t make a move.
But I don’t think this is my case.

Look at the conversation, even my gf hinted (she is *never* direct in the way she communicates) that I am “soft and gentle all around” and even hinted on my posture. She even hinted that men with “strong appearance” tend to be womanizer.

So I guess what she is trying to say that I am not masculine/macho looking and sounding enough.



Your girlfriend May not think you are very masculine, but she likes you, so that's all that matters. :P Also, there is a difference between not being masculine, and being actually gay. Most gay guys are pretty easy to spot, by their speech patterns, and mannerisms, so unless you are doing those things, I don't see how they could think you are actually gay.

Also, I am not the most masculine male either, and I have also been called gay by women several times, but it wasn't because they thought I was actually gay...it was because they were romantically interested, and I either turned them down several times, or I ignored them. I have also been called a "girl" by women before, and this was because I was interested in things that normally women would be interested in. Guys have also asked if I was gay...not because they thought I was actually gay either, but because they never seen me with a girlfriend.



Spiderpig
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22 Jul 2018, 10:40 am

XFilesGeek wrote:
I know some people think that if a member of the opposite sex doesn't flirt with them then they MUST be gay (because how else could you possibly not be attracted to them).


Any moderately attractive woman can pretty safely assume anything male, heterosexual and with a pulse would like to have sex with her if given the chance. The assumption is only outrageous if the one making it is male.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jul 2018, 11:30 am

Amity wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
You might not consider your gf opinions to have value, but when I read her words I could understand her point of view and until I read your posts I had considered if I had misjudged you.

You have a woman who loves you 'as you are'
and it seems to me you spurned her for it, for what... your vanity?

Also (if I were her) I would feel betrayed for exposing our intimate conversations in this way.


I don’t spurn her, but she admitted that if she saw me in real life before then she may also think i was gay.

She is being honest, no grudges against her.

I see nothing initimate in this tiny convo.


If you asked your gf she might continue to trust and be honest with you and explain that you 'shot the messenger'.
She wrote about her intimate feelings for you to highlight that what others thought didn't matter, you dismissed her feelings and focussed on the opinions of strangers.
If she meant enough to you, you wouldn't care so much about others opinions, you communicated indirectly to her that her opinion was meaningless.

Perhaps I am more private than most, but when I express genuine deep feelings I have to a lover I do not expect to see those private words plastered all over a thread, objectified and twisted into something meaningless.

I do consider the lack of protection for her intimate emotions a betrayal.



Jeez, Stop the drama ok? Posting a nameless screenshot of only a tiny part of chat is not that much of crime; it ‘s not like I posted something sexual or too romantic or personal secrets; and where did you see twisting any words from my part?

Look, as Peacesell said my relationship is complicated, it is not the usual gf/bf dynamics.

Let me put it like this: my current girlfriend is not just a girlfriend, but she also took the role to be my relationship and social mentor. She is helping me to find my match for life and to improve my social skills.

She knows our relationship is temporary and it won’t lead to marriage , she doesn’t want to remarry because she has 3 old daughters and married twice before, and she will return to her country in couple of years.

She says she already experienced everything when it comes to serious relationships and doesn’t want more of it anymore (serious relationship). While she knows that I didn’t experience any of that, I am 36 already amity, and still unmarried. And she wants to help. She doesn’t want me to stop seeking while i am with her and to waste a couple of years of my life that can be used to find a much longer term partner.

She is teaching me in interpersonal and dating matters. When she told me to be more ‘winky’ and flirty with the girls i meet, didn’t you wonder there’s something unusual going on here?

I don’t think a regular girlfriend for-life would suggest that to her boyfriend without feeling jealous - but she is helping me as a closest friend (which she is too).

So now I guess things make more sense to you.



The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jul 2018, 12:00 pm

SilverStar wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Being called "gay" by a women usually means a woman is interested in you romantically, but you aren't showing any interest in them back (which most guys do). This isn't always a bad thing!


This is usually said about hottie six-packed guys who won’t make a move.
But I don’t think this is my case.

Look at the conversation, even my gf hinted (she is *never* direct in the way she communicates) that I am “soft and gentle all around” and even hinted on my posture. She even hinted that men with “strong appearance” tend to be womanizer.

So I guess what she is trying to say that I am not masculine/macho looking and sounding enough.



Your girlfriend May not think you are very masculine, but she likes you, so that's all that matters. :P Also, there is a difference between not being masculine, and being actually gay. Most gay guys are pretty easy to spot, by their speech patterns, and mannerisms, so unless you are doing those things, I don't see how they could think you are actually gay.

Also, I am not the most masculine male either, and I have also been called gay by women several times, but it wasn't because they thought I was actually gay...it was because they were romantically interested, and I either turned them down several times, or I ignored them. I have also been called a "girl" by women before, and this was because I was interested in things that normally women would be interested in. Guys have also asked if I was gay...not because they thought I was actually gay either, but because they never seen me with a girlfriend.



Interesting, many other posters here also said (not only in this thread) that they’ve been thought by others of being of a sexual orientation that doesn’t match their real orientation.

Maybe this isn’t a coincidence?



Amity
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22 Jul 2018, 1:47 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
You might not consider your gf opinions to have value, but when I read her words I could understand her point of view and until I read your posts I had considered if I had misjudged you.

You have a woman who loves you 'as you are'
and it seems to me you spurned her for it, for what... your vanity?

Also (if I were her) I would feel betrayed for exposing our intimate conversations in this way.


I don’t spurn her, but she admitted that if she saw me in real life before then she may also think i was gay.

She is being honest, no grudges against her.

I see nothing initimate in this tiny convo.


If you asked your gf she might continue to trust and be honest with you and explain that you 'shot the messenger'.
She wrote about her intimate feelings for you to highlight that what others thought didn't matter, you dismissed her feelings and focussed on the opinions of strangers.
If she meant enough to you, you wouldn't care so much about others opinions, you communicated indirectly to her that her opinion was meaningless.

Perhaps I am more private than most, but when I express genuine deep feelings I have to a lover I do not expect to see those private words plastered all over a thread, objectified and twisted into something meaningless.

I do consider the lack of protection for her intimate emotions a betrayal.



Jeez, Stop the drama ok? Posting a nameless screenshot of only a tiny part of chat is not that much of crime; it ‘s not like I posted something sexual or too romantic or personal secrets; and where did you see twisting any words from my part?

Look, as Peacesell said my relationship is complicated, it is not the usual gf/bf dynamics.

Let me put it like this: my current girlfriend is not just a girlfriend, but she also took the role to be my relationship and social mentor. She is helping me to find my match for life and to improve my social skills.

She knows our relationship is temporary and it won’t lead to marriage , she doesn’t want to remarry because she has 3 old daughters and married twice before, and she will return to her country in couple of years.

She says she already experienced everything when it comes to serious relationships and doesn’t want more of it anymore (serious relationship). While she knows that I didn’t experience any of that, I am 36 already amity, and still unmarried. And she wants to help. She doesn’t want me to stop seeking while i am with her and to waste a couple of years of my life that can be used to find a much longer term partner.

She is teaching me in interpersonal and dating matters. When she told me to be more ‘winky’ and flirty with the girls i meet, didn’t you wonder there’s something unusual going on here?

I don’t think a regular girlfriend for-life would suggest that to her boyfriend without feeling jealous - but she is helping me as a closest friend (which she is too).

So now I guess things make more sense to you.

Okay I haven't been here for a while so I didn't know the context, thanks for elaborating.
I did think the wink suggestion was odd... ASDrs tend to have less conventional relationships, if yours works as it is then happy days for both of you!

I based my point based on how I would feel if I were her. Marriage is overrated imo.



SilverStar
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22 Jul 2018, 2:10 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Being called "gay" by a women usually means a woman is interested in you romantically, but you aren't showing any interest in them back (which most guys do). This isn't always a bad thing!


This is usually said about hottie six-packed guys who won’t make a move.
But I don’t think this is my case.

Look at the conversation, even my gf hinted (she is *never* direct in the way she communicates) that I am “soft and gentle all around” and even hinted on my posture. She even hinted that men with “strong appearance” tend to be womanizer.

So I guess what she is trying to say that I am not masculine/macho looking and sounding enough.



Your girlfriend May not think you are very masculine, but she likes you, so that's all that matters. :P Also, there is a difference between not being masculine, and being actually gay. Most gay guys are pretty easy to spot, by their speech patterns, and mannerisms, so unless you are doing those things, I don't see how they could think you are actually gay.

Also, I am not the most masculine male either, and I have also been called gay by women several times, but it wasn't because they thought I was actually gay...it was because they were romantically interested, and I either turned them down several times, or I ignored them. I have also been called a "girl" by women before, and this was because I was interested in things that normally women would be interested in. Guys have also asked if I was gay...not because they thought I was actually gay either, but because they never seen me with a girlfriend.



Interesting, many other posters here also said (not only in this thread) that they’ve been thought by others of being of a sexual orientation that doesn’t match their real orientation.

Maybe this isn’t a coincidence?



I think people can sense that we are different than normal people, but it's like they can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong with us. :)



Spiderpig
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22 Jul 2018, 2:40 pm

I haven't really experienced that. People couldn't care less about my sexual orientation. They probably can tell I'll never get any, so I have no business having a sex drive in the first place.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Jul 2018, 4:47 pm

SilverStar wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
Being called "gay" by a women usually means a woman is interested in you romantically, but you aren't showing any interest in them back (which most guys do). This isn't always a bad thing!


This is usually said about hottie six-packed guys who won’t make a move.
But I don’t think this is my case.

Look at the conversation, even my gf hinted (she is *never* direct in the way she communicates) that I am “soft and gentle all around” and even hinted on my posture. She even hinted that men with “strong appearance” tend to be womanizer.

So I guess what she is trying to say that I am not masculine/macho looking and sounding enough.



Your girlfriend May not think you are very masculine, but she likes you, so that's all that matters. :P Also, there is a difference between not being masculine, and being actually gay. Most gay guys are pretty easy to spot, by their speech patterns, and mannerisms, so unless you are doing those things, I don't see how they could think you are actually gay.

Also, I am not the most masculine male either, and I have also been called gay by women several times, but it wasn't because they thought I was actually gay...it was because they were romantically interested, and I either turned them down several times, or I ignored them. I have also been called a "girl" by women before, and this was because I was interested in things that normally women would be interested in. Guys have also asked if I was gay...not because they thought I was actually gay either, but because they never seen me with a girlfriend.



Interesting, many other posters here also said (not only in this thread) that they’ve been thought by others of being of a sexual orientation that doesn’t match their real orientation.

Maybe this isn’t a coincidence?



I think people can sense that we are different than normal people, but it's like they can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong with us. :)


Also being still unmarried at our age make some people think that of us too, I am sure of it.



kraftiekortie
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22 Jul 2018, 6:03 pm

Only in certain cultures.

Most “westernized” or “westernized” people within a “non-westernized” setting wouldn’t think a unmarried man in his 30s is necessarily gay.



The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Jul 2018, 2:29 am

Amity wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
You might not consider your gf opinions to have value, but when I read her words I could understand her point of view and until I read your posts I had considered if I had misjudged you.

You have a woman who loves you 'as you are'
and it seems to me you spurned her for it, for what... your vanity?

Also (if I were her) I would feel betrayed for exposing our intimate conversations in this way.


I don’t spurn her, but she admitted that if she saw me in real life before then she may also think i was gay.

She is being honest, no grudges against her.

I see nothing initimate in this tiny convo.


If you asked your gf she might continue to trust and be honest with you and explain that you 'shot the messenger'.
She wrote about her intimate feelings for you to highlight that what others thought didn't matter, you dismissed her feelings and focussed on the opinions of strangers.
If she meant enough to you, you wouldn't care so much about others opinions, you communicated indirectly to her that her opinion was meaningless.

Perhaps I am more private than most, but when I express genuine deep feelings I have to a lover I do not expect to see those private words plastered all over a thread, objectified and twisted into something meaningless.

I do consider the lack of protection for her intimate emotions a betrayal.



Jeez, Stop the drama ok? Posting a nameless screenshot of only a tiny part of chat is not that much of crime; it ‘s not like I posted something sexual or too romantic or personal secrets; and where did you see twisting any words from my part?

Look, as Peacesell said my relationship is complicated, it is not the usual gf/bf dynamics.

Let me put it like this: my current girlfriend is not just a girlfriend, but she also took the role to be my relationship and social mentor. She is helping me to find my match for life and to improve my social skills.

She knows our relationship is temporary and it won’t lead to marriage , she doesn’t want to remarry because she has 3 old daughters and married twice before, and she will return to her country in couple of years.

She says she already experienced everything when it comes to serious relationships and doesn’t want more of it anymore (serious relationship). While she knows that I didn’t experience any of that, I am 36 already amity, and still unmarried. And she wants to help. She doesn’t want me to stop seeking while i am with her and to waste a couple of years of my life that can be used to find a much longer term partner.

She is teaching me in interpersonal and dating matters. When she told me to be more ‘winky’ and flirty with the girls i meet, didn’t you wonder there’s something unusual going on here?

I don’t think a regular girlfriend for-life would suggest that to her boyfriend without feeling jealous - but she is helping me as a closest friend (which she is too).

So now I guess things make more sense to you.

Okay I haven't been here for a while so I didn't know the context, thanks for elaborating.
I did think the wink suggestion was odd... ASDrs tend to have less conventional relationships, if yours works as it is then happy days for both of you!

I based my point based on how I would feel if I were her. Marriage is overrated imo.



Aren’t you married?



Amity
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23 Jul 2018, 9:34 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Amity wrote:
You might not consider your gf opinions to have value, but when I read her words I could understand her point of view and until I read your posts I had considered if I had misjudged you.

You have a woman who loves you 'as you are'
and it seems to me you spurned her for it, for what... your vanity?

Also (if I were her) I would feel betrayed for exposing our intimate conversations in this way.


I don’t spurn her, but she admitted that if she saw me in real life before then she may also think i was gay.

She is being honest, no grudges against her.

I see nothing initimate in this tiny convo.


If you asked your gf she might continue to trust and be honest with you and explain that you 'shot the messenger'.
She wrote about her intimate feelings for you to highlight that what others thought didn't matter, you dismissed her feelings and focussed on the opinions of strangers.
If she meant enough to you, you wouldn't care so much about others opinions, you communicated indirectly to her that her opinion was meaningless.

Perhaps I am more private than most, but when I express genuine deep feelings I have to a lover I do not expect to see those private words plastered all over a thread, objectified and twisted into something meaningless.

I do consider the lack of protection for her intimate emotions a betrayal.



Jeez, Stop the drama ok? Posting a nameless screenshot of only a tiny part of chat is not that much of crime; it ‘s not like I posted something sexual or too romantic or personal secrets; and where did you see twisting any words from my part?

Look, as Peacesell said my relationship is complicated, it is not the usual gf/bf dynamics.

Let me put it like this: my current girlfriend is not just a girlfriend, but she also took the role to be my relationship and social mentor. She is helping me to find my match for life and to improve my social skills.

She knows our relationship is temporary and it won’t lead to marriage , she doesn’t want to remarry because she has 3 old daughters and married twice before, and she will return to her country in couple of years.

She says she already experienced everything when it comes to serious relationships and doesn’t want more of it anymore (serious relationship). While she knows that I didn’t experience any of that, I am 36 already amity, and still unmarried. And she wants to help. She doesn’t want me to stop seeking while i am with her and to waste a couple of years of my life that can be used to find a much longer term partner.

She is teaching me in interpersonal and dating matters. When she told me to be more ‘winky’ and flirty with the girls i meet, didn’t you wonder there’s something unusual going on here?

I don’t think a regular girlfriend for-life would suggest that to her boyfriend without feeling jealous - but she is helping me as a closest friend (which she is too).

So now I guess things make more sense to you.

Okay I haven't been here for a while so I didn't know the context, thanks for elaborating.
I did think the wink suggestion was odd... ASDrs tend to have less conventional relationships, if yours works as it is then happy days for both of you!

I based my point based on how I would feel if I were her. Marriage is overrated imo.



Aren’t you married?


Nope, I was married, it ended some years ago before I realised I was on the spectrum. A conventional relationship doesn't suit me.



The_Face_of_Boo
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23 Jul 2018, 9:36 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Only in certain cultures.

Most “westernized” or “westernized” people within a “non-westernized” setting wouldn’t think a unmarried man in his 30s is necessarily gay.



What about the Jewish culture?



kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2018, 4:32 pm

Not in America. Unless one is extremely conservative/Orthodox or ultra-orthodox/Hasidic.

I’m not sure about Israel—but Westernized/secular Israelis wouldn’t assume gayness in an unmarried man in his 30s, I would assume.



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24 Jul 2018, 12:16 pm

SilverStar wrote:
I think people can sense that we are different than normal people, but it's like they can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong with us. :)


This.

A lot of my family members think that I'm gay. I've had workmates assume I'm gay too. I just don't fit the average female stereotype and I think that the next assumption is, "oh, must be gay."

It doesn't help that I'm never seen with a boyfriend either.

My uncle actually "outed" me to my Dad and his face was a picture. I was like if you don't even know im not gay I'm not going to correct you lol... And now my Dad thinks I'm gay. Maybe my Mum does too... she refuses to talk about it.

Actually people thought I was gay in high school too. I watched Everything Sucks on Netflix and totally related. I know what it was like being a teenager in the 90s with people around you thinking you're gay.



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25 Jul 2018, 1:09 am

since i removed the screenshots, to summarize what was in there: my gf told me that her sister's friend, who saw me only for like 5 mins, thought I am gay. And my gf (who's being my social/dating mentor as i explained earlier) was giving me tips how not to appear so, like doing a straight poster, making my shoulders look more broad, to be more flirty with the girls I meet, she even suggested to be winky ....etc

They are from a culture which is very tolerant of gays (in polls like 70%+ of their people tolerate homosexuality) , homosexuality is not a taboo at all where she comes from.



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25 Jul 2018, 1:14 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Not in America. Unless one is extremely conservative/Orthodox or ultra-orthodox/Hasidic.

I’m not sure about Israel—but Westernized/secular Israelis wouldn’t assume gayness in an unmarried man in his 30s, I would assume.


But it seems even in the West people assume you're gay if they've never seen you with a partner of opposite sex (girlfriend or wife..etc) , also it seems that the lack of showing interest in opposite sex . Like if you're over 16 and has no one, then you're gay.

Look at the responses here for example, I think that's the main reason why they were being assumed of being gay.