Should autistic people date younger when it's NTs?

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Younger, I’m 49.

Age differences in relationships will probably vary in terms of significance based on the people involved...I suppose it's true that people who are younger than me frequently seem more mature in many ways (although in some ways I'm more mature...it really depends). I also think that people who are maybe 1-3 years younger than me are socially savvier in many ways.

But there's always exceptions. I don't think it's a big deal if a 20 yo wants to date an 18 yo, but I wouldn't recommend being 20 and dating a 16 yo, for example. I think that social savvy, social connectivity, practical life skills, intellectual strength, and emotional maturity can vary between individuals, and also that one partner may be more developed in one area and the other more developed in another. It probably is hard to make general rules of thumb about who is taking advantage of whom in relationships where one party is slightly older than another (and they're both legal adults).

I had a friend who was 30 tell me this year that he had feelings for me...I thought that was kind of weird, because I was a full decade younger than him...I don't hold it against him, but it made me slightly uncomfortable. :T I think that as a general rule of thumb, age differences of 8-9+ years shouldn't be taken as insignificant in a relationship. They can still happen (provided everyone is an adult), but both parties need to have a clear head about the problems that could arise.

My personal rule of thumb is I'd date 2 years younger and 3 years older, and no one who's still in high school.

The NTs I met irl (not online) that expressed interest in me have all been late 20s/early 30s...it gives me the creeps more than anything. Guys in their late teens/early 20s can be very immature and judgmental though. :T

That sounds about right. Your avatar/picture indicates you are attractive and single NT males in that age group (25-35) are most wanting a girl in the 18-21 range for dating.

The reasons vary somewhat. Some men I have met over the years want a girl they can control (older women tend to be more assertive which seems to be a turn-off), it's easier to be the one in control if the girl is younger. For most,however, it's picking a girl in her prime (I'll avoid the creepy ripe fruit metaphor but you get the drift of what I am saying). Men are biologically primed to pick a girl who will be physically able to produce healthy kids and attractive girls in the 18-21 range and biologically ideal.

Then of course there's the trophy thing...a lot of narcissistic NT men like a somebody on their shoulder they can show off to their peers.

I'm curious if you ever tell these NT men (on IRL?) about your autism? how does their response to you change? (I should point out that you are 5-6 yrs older than my daughter and so it's useful (as a parent) to know these things).

Yes I forgot about social expectations. Men eventually settle for a girl that's closer to their own age as well. You are correct that the difference between a 16-18 is much greater developmentally when you consider a 16 yr old is still in highschool but starts to become less important if you are comparing a 25-27yr old. Men also consider social acceptability as a factor as it's easier to connect intellectually with somebody your age.

For old people there is also 65 yr old man dating a 55 yr old woman where the 65 yr old may be reitired whereas the 55 yr old woman might still be in the midst of a career.

I'm almost 21 so I guess I'm nearing my twilight years.

Hmm. One guy knew about it already. I have dated off online apps before, and told both the guys I dated. They didn't seem to mind. One had ASD siblings and had worked with kids with disabilities. The other seemed slightly (not terribly) on the spectrum himself, still mostly NT though. I was very picky about who I met up with, and tried to meet guys I thought would be understanding.

In my experience, knowing that I have Autism has not stopped a lot of guys from being interested. However, I only really told anyone about it after we'd established a connection and/or I didn't care about dating them (so if they were turned off, I wouldn't know, because dating wasn't in the cards anyways). ASD is not as stigmatized anymore. Australia has very high diagnostic rates, so I feel like it may be even less stigmatized there than in the US.

One thing to keep in mind, is that women on the spectrum are much easier to take advantage of. It is easy for us to become dependent on our SOs for emotional support and social connection, which at best will put a strain on the relationship, and at worst open us to manipulation. That's a big concern in addition to the concern of your daughter finding a date imo.

Don't write someone off because of the age difference. When I was 33, I met a woman who was 22. She messaged me first, but her interest was as a friend, rather than romantic. I reciprocated, and the rest is history. (She later told me that other men she showed friendly interest in turned her down.) We bonded and became great friends very quickly, due to shared quirkiness and spontaneity. It felt very endearing, because I was 22 myself, I lacked the social skills to make fast-track friendships like that.

Of course, at the time I met her, I used to have sex with escorts, so sex with her was a very low priority. And a year later, I lost my sex drive altogether; sex even disgusts me now. Me and her are still close friends; I'm 36, and she's 25. Although as she gets older and her priorities change, it seems like the fun, almost college-style friendship I have with her now will not last forever.

Yes this is a concern. Ironically my daughter has NT male friends in highschool and virtually zero female friends. Of the two teen boys she hangs out with, one has a little OCD while the other simply a nerd. They are both very tolerant of my daughter's communication gap but I think they get on because of her interest in video games and racing cars/planes.

Most of the NT males ignore her at school although a few are nasty (in the usual NT covert way). Unfortunately the NT girls are completely not interested. I've tried to socially engineer outings but they can't tolerate my daughter's innocence and lack of interest in boys/parties/social media etc.

I think we have to accept there's ageism in both men and women. Putting aside dating, most young adults don't have much patience or inclination to spend time with people older than them unless there's some personal benefit.

It's a bit like perception you are riding a "lame" merry go-round going in circles (older people are perceived to be less open minded or adventurous) when you could be having a great time on a roller-coaster that's going somewhere exciting.

The truth is many of us oldies are also open minded and willing to try new things

I feel slightly uncomfortable around women automatically. I know I must be prematurely judging some of them, but like many AS females (your daughter included perhaps) I have had very negative experiences with them. Boys/young men too, but not as much. I think guys will be more covert or more polite to women, because it is seen as a serious low to be rude to us.

I think she might have luck with online dating. It has been derided as a place for creeps, but it also allows for many possible matches, which would allow her to do more vetting. You should talk to her about red flags in a relationship. I didn't date in high school, but started in college. So she might have some time.

I agree with your interpretation on this. The NT girls my daughter's age are very "judgy" and the boys try and be polite.



Her grandmother is already talking about contraception because she looks mature when she wears shorts/skirts

My little girl is still too innocent about boys (although lately she seems to be interested in men's tennis?) and frankly while she maintains her obsessions and special interests I am relieved. But yes I will have that chat