A woman at the church

Post Reply New Topic

They don't realize now there has been more of a hook-up culture and if you make a move the old fashioned way, it will come off as doing it much harder than necessary to proceed to the next step with the girl.

Middle aged (parents) people also encouraged me to ask a girl to hang out, take her to a restaurant, and see where it goes.. they also don't realize how strange and immature I am once I am with the girl..

I was/am in the same situation. There was an attractive girl who may have liked me at work, but I acted weird and scared her away. Part of me wanders if I was stupid to act the way I acted, but on the other hand, me acting weird would scare her eventually anyway.. it would have been just a matter of time.

I think personality is whether you are an optimistic person, and long-term beliefs or personality qualities that the woman is likely to stick with you for, while overlooking the body posture, dressing style, social mistakes, etc. My dad has that, whereas I am a negative person and I don't. I used to think I can develop my personality through experience with getting dates, but it did not happen, I got a little better, but overall I got worse as a person. Dating for me is an exercise in pretending to be normal and mature, only for them to find out that I am not.

QFT and you sound like intelligent men. The trick here is to plan/strategise and actively work on suppressing emotional reactions that might trigger you to say something silly.

So its a combination of i) suppression of urges and ii) reappraise your responses as you deliver. Have a set/series of scripts ready that are appropriate for the situation.

This is not about deception but about trying to make an effort to make the girl feel comfortable.

My theory regarding the very old people is that they function differently than the young people. So they evaluate matches based on personality, faith and age... tangible and calculated stuff; but always fail to see why you would be sexually unattractive to a certain another young person.

Keep in mind that old people : 1- have less sex hormones in their bloodstream. 2- They see all young people as good-looking, but not in sexual way.

Like this old lady, she saw you as a good and nice Christian guy, and this girl as a good and nice Christian girl and close to your age; so she automatically thinks you two are a good match. Unlike the young girl, she lacks the sex hormones and therefore fails to evaluate the matching on attraction level, she can’t see whether you would be of the young girl’s type or not even if she’s of the same gender as her; she operates on a whole different wavelength.

Yeah this makes sense....everyone stop listening to me, I dated the same era as jerry Seinfled and Friends where I waited next to a landline for a call....

I still think you have enough T flowing in your bloodstream tho.

People don't realize the impact of the hormone levels in these matters; when one loses it you are no longer the exact same person.

If the issue is sex hormones, this leads to two questions:

1. What if I were to ask males for advice. In this case, they wouldn't feel sexually attracted to me regardless of their age. So why would the advice of a young man be more reliable than an advice of the old man?

2. If Asperger affects non-sexual aspects of social interactions, why wouldn't older people notice it just as much as the younger people? Or could it be that what actually happens is that Asperger simply makes people less sexually attractive -- but then the people that are driven by hormons end up confusing sexual with all those other aspects?

But that seems "opposite" to what was brought up by other members. Basically other members were saying that older people would suggest that I make a move while younger people would suggest that I don't. But you are saying that older people would suggest I make a slow move while young people would suggest I make a really fast one. Aren't these two things opposite to each other?

Actually I think of one "theory" according to which you and others would agree. But I am not sure if that is what you have in mind, please let me know if that is. So that theory is this: according to hook up culture, either you hook up on day 1, or you don't hook up at all. Since the day when I had a conversation with the old lady was not day 1, this should have been an evidence that me and that younger lady would never make it. But since the older lady wasn't part of that culture, she didn't know it.

Now, is this what you are trying to say or am I misunderstanding it? If I am misunderstanding it, please clarify what you meant.

By the way, here is a side question. As a Christian I don't believe in sex before marriage. Now, I am not saying that I was declining sex -- I mean there was never a situation when a woman asked me for sex (except for my two long-term girlfriends, which is entirely different story). But are you saying that they all expected "me" to invite them to bed, and since I didn't, thats what made them decide that it won't work?

1. Are you saying the older lady was sexually attracted to you? Older females are actually good source of advice due to their experience.
2. You can increase your attraction by maintaining your composure as much as you are comfortable to do. Focus and concentrate and try and anticipate what the girl is thinking before searching your library of appropriate responses.

I think "either you hook up on day 1, or you don't hook up at all" is because desire to do something can be short lasting. For example, you may look in your past and think of something you really wanted to buy, but now you could care less, as your interest had passed. I used to assume that a woman who wanted to hook up with me on day 1, would continue to want that for the next few weeks, when in reality, her interest could have been satisfied and she could have had a good time hooking up with me on day 1 if I had gone along, but on day two she her interest had changed. Just because she did not want me on day 2, does not mean she wouldn't have had fun with me on day 1 when she did want me. For example, you are walking through an Amusement Park and you REALLY want to go on a certain attraction, but the attraction attendant tells you he does not want to let you inside right now, how about in an hour, however, by that time, you have lost interest in that attraction and won't enjoy it anymore if you do, because you are not hyped for it anymore. You would also feel offended that you were discriminated against and not allowed to go when you want. Customer is always right is a motto for a reason in selling businesses.

" As a Christian I don't believe in sex before marriage. Now, I am not saying that I was declining sex -- I mean there was never a situation when a woman asked me for sex (except for my two long-term girlfriends, which is entirely different story). But are you saying that they all expected "me" to invite them to bed, and since I didn't, thats what made them decide that it won't work?" - that is good and bad.. you are more excited by your partner if you have not had a lot of sex beforehand.. or you don't know how to enjoy sex with a person at all and don't find the partner attractive, and that is why not having sex before marriage is bad. Again, the Amusement Park attraction analogy here - if you come a roller coaster ride, sit inside and buckle up expecting a ride, but find out the roller coaster will not move ever - you will be surprised, turned off and will lose interest. So like a woman goes on a date with you expecting a fun sexual experience, but only after you are both feeling interested in proceeding, but you don't proceed - it's a surprise and turn off for her. So both of your feelings have to be in place - you as the amusement attraction attendant have to be ready to offer the amusement park ride and to recognize that she is there expecting to be taken for the ride, and she has to be interested in the amusement park ride too. If you grab an unsuspecting person and plump them into a rollercoaster, and they were not interested - that would be a terrifying and unpleasant experience!

So if you offer to take them to bed - that's like you being the attendant saying OK, proceed. But you have to recognize that she came for that rollercoaster to begin with - and those are her actions, manner of acting and speaking, and the events preceding it.

I was asked by a female friend to have sex, but at the time I wasn't comfortable with sex and did not take her seriously.. only now I realize she was somewhat socially inappropriate in asking, but was probably interested in boys and has some motivation for wanting to try having sex with me. I replied in a way that turned her off and I did not say yes. I should have talked about sex with her at least, or confessed that I wanted to have sex with her in the past - it would have made her comfortable. I ignored the subject.

First of all, I am not saying it on my own, I am trying to make sense of what The_Face_of_Boo have said. What The_Face_of_Boo has "actually" said is that older people have no more hormones and thats why they can't tell I am unattractive. Now, if I am going to elaborate on this, then it would be something like this.

a) None of the women are attracted to me (regardless of age).

b) Young women are attracted to men other than me. So based off of the fact that they are attracted to men other than me yet are not attracted to me, they conclude I am unattractive, so they aran't trying to suggest I date someone

c) Old women are not attracted to anybody at all (neither me nor anyone else). Therefore, their lack of attraction towards me does *not* imply I am unattractive since they aren't attracted to anyone else either. Thats why old women are suggesting I date someone

Now, if I follow this logic, I would be able to rewrite "c" while replacing "old women" with "young men". In particular,

d) Young men are not attracted to any men at all (neither me nor any other man). Therefore, their lack of attraction towards me does *not* imply I am unattractive since they aren't attracted to any other man else either. Thats why young men would be suggesting I date someone

However, The_Face_of_Boo does *not* conclude "d". Thats why I have a question: why does The_Face_of_Boo conclude "c" yet does not conclude "d"? I thought "c" and "d" should be parallel since neither old women nor young men are attracted to men. So where does the parallel break down?



But I thought you agree with The_Face_of_Boo that older people might encourage me to ask someone out even when I shouldn't (I believe you said as much yourself in one of the earlier responses). So how can you then say that they are a good source of advice?

QFT it's possible to hold contradictory information at the same time and act on that information when the situation is appropriate. Our actions should not always be determined by boolean logic.

I would triangulate information from multiple sources when coming to a decision on how to proceed. Males can understand what you are going through and can emapthise. Older females have perhaps been through many interactions with men so can give you insight into the female mind.

Apologies I was joking with boo so don't take that too seriously. Somebody his age is better at discussing modern mobile phone interactions as my experience with dating involved a landline so in that respect my advice is out of date.

The best source of advice would be a young woman, but one who is bluntly honest and not politically correct.
It’s not easy to find.

An experienced young man is better in touch with what young women find attractive today, than old men. They understand how “leagues” work instinctively, an ability that old people seem to lack for some reason.

Good luck with that...

But how would young men determine what leagues other men fall into if they don't experience sexual attraction to other men?

You were saying that the difference between young people and old ones is hormones. But how would hormones be relevant if we talk about young man giving advice to another man?