Red Flags

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Thinking the problem lies with the person spotting the red-flags, rather than the person flying them.

^ It seems a bit like gaslighting, especially for people who've experienced some of the things mentioned in this thread.

^ Yep. And Uncommondenominator addressed it perfectly.

Not sure I would consider this a red flag, if that first meeting had some time for casual interaction and discussion before the ask out, and you both just seemed to click. Also if it was a fairly simple date like going out for coffee or something like that.

Walking up to a complete stranger and just asking them out without any discussion first would be kind of weird.

It really does. Even decent people can raise a few red flags - but part of being a decent person is being willing to communicate with the other party about those issues and trying to resolve them, rather than simply waving them away and dismissing them outright.

- When they pretend to like something you don't like so you'll do the thing to make them happy but then you find out they never liked it all along and they were just playing headgames so you'd do things you didn't want to do even if it really bothered you or traumatised you, all because they like exploiting your discomfort


or something like that

Yes, this!

- being automatically dismissive of someone’s concerns or opinions is a big red flag

Oh lets see...

1. They park outside your house and watch it for hours 'because they are concerned about your safety'.
2. They steal from you.
3. They vanish for hours at a time, every time they go to the gas station around the corner.
4. They try to come in and take charge of your life, because, you know, they're trying to help and you're clearly the jerk who won't let people in if you say no thank you.
5. They keep their phone locked and want access to yours.
6. They also hack into your email account.
7. They don't want you to meet their friends and on the rare occasion you do meet some of them, the friends are surprised to discover that your partner isn't single.
8. They think roses are the perfect apology for when they scream at you, hit you, or throw things at you and you are the jerk if you don't swoon over the obviously grand gesture and kiss their backside for the next week.
9. They start talking about how it will be when 'we're living together' even though you've only been involved for a week or two.
10. The second time you get together/chill/talk/whatever, they start screaming about how much they hate their ex and want to kill them.
11. The only place they trust you to be alone (meaning without them) is to their mother's house. And they will drop you off and pick you up.
12. They tell you how you are perfect, perfect for them, and how you are the only one in the world who can make them into the better person they know they are, deep down inside.
13. Even after the billionth time you tell them you aren't interested, they still keep asking if you are yet and when all that will change because you know, you are obviously so perfect for each other.
14. They lie all the time about the most ridiculous crap.
15. When you get upset, they either turn it back on you or distract with irrelevant stuff that leads so far from the original issue that they can then pretend that the original topic never existed.
16. When you get upset, they freak out and start flailing, and screaming that they need a pastor.
17. They underline bible quotes that carry on about how women should submit to their men.
18. They tell you everything you do is going to make you go to hell, including pinstripe dress pants you own for work.
19. I'm out of red flags but wanted to get to number 20.
20. I made it to number 20.

I’ve experienced that one! A real winner.

I need morse code. 2-15-18. That's 2-15-18. I repeat 2-15-18. Do you read me Fred?

Add some 8's even though you get physically sick from roses and it lasts about three days requiring you to miss work and lose pay even though you throw them in the trash before they even enter your front door because scentophobia

- “accidentally” finds out where you live using Google Maps, looks at pictures of your house, and watches YouTube videos of people driving around your neighborhood

- And accidentally tells you just enough to make themselves sound psychotic but not quite enough to charge them with cyberstalking, but if you had discovered the info on your own they'd accuse you of framing them or being crazy, otherwise known as the gaslighting loop

- Bonus points when they contact your friends with anonymous names or get their minions to do the same, but that's not stalking or gaslighting because they'd say that it's not

More "Red Flags":

• Affixes offensive or degrading nicknames to the people they "love"

• Always finds a way to affix the blame of an accident, assault, or illness to the victim(s)

• Attaches "-tard" to the ends of words (i.e., "Joe-tard", "Lib-tard", "Woke-tard", et cetera)

• Brags about "Owning the Libs"

• Brags about the number of their sexual "conquests"

• Brags about their "Open Carry" or "Concealed Carry" permit

• Brags about their martial arts skills

• Claims any man whom he can intimidate is not a real man

• Claims any man whom she cannot seduce is not a real man

• If you beat them fairly in a fair competition, they claim you cheated

• If you do something quickly, they claim you did it wrong

• If you do something right, they claim you took too long

• Laughs when they witness someone trip and fall

• Openly expresses contempt for foreigners, the handicapped, minorities, or anyone on the LGBTQ+ spectrum

• Seems to perceive niceness and mannerly behavior as signs of weakness

• Shows more concern for the damage done to their car than for the condition of the person they ran over

• Wears a MAGA hat during church services (even during prayers)

• Wears a holstered firearm and/or sheath knife in church

- Projection of their own character flaws onto others (apparently I had an affair every time he did)

- Stands you up so they can take dead fish to another woman

- Mixes up your birthday with another other woman every year, or forgets it entirely

- Insults or criticises absolutely everything you say unless it's an opinion they've conditioned you to have

- Exaggerates their accomplishments not even to feel better about themselves, but to minimise yours

- Hurts animals or has them removed from their care

- Makes promises they know are insincere, and then tells you it was all your imagination

- Uses terms like "body count" or says "I've had women who _____ "

- In their personal history, you notice the woman is accused of all sexual overtures and all the break ups

• Claims your accomplishments are solely the direct result of their influence and/or intervention

Let's take a tour through Issy's life:

On your mark, get set go!

- Tells you they're moving to Asia the next day instead of breaking up with you normally
- Is not Asian and still lives with parents who are not moving to Asia
- Drives around near your house in their brown car the next day and for weeks afterward
- You keep a diary but you're afraid to read old entries because it's all bad about them
- You have "boyfriend secrets" or things you wouldn't want other people to know about them
- You ask them to tell you five random facts about your life, and they can't
- They have one view of who you are and who you should be
- Gifts are way too lavish (love-bombing) or way too lame (forgotten)
- You feel like all your disagreements are about the same thing(s) but they never resolve
- He locks your children out of your home so he can whack off with them banging on windows
- He locks your child in their bedroom by turning the doorknob around backward
- He laughs while child tries to break down the door by hitting it with the air vent cover
- He damages your children's property and blames them or even mocks them for it
- He tells your children about overhearing bullies who hate them, who don't really exist
- He tells your children there are bogeymen in the closet or following them around
- He turns off the hot water when your kids get in the shower without telling them
- Then he makes fun of your kids and mimics them for being cold or complaining
- He steals the money out of your kids' birthday cards and blames them for losing it
- He returns some of their things to the store without a receipt, and keeps the money
- He blames your kids for losing those things
- He pawns your kids' electronics at a pawn shop and blames them for losing them
- He pours grape drink in your child's X-Box and blames him
- He makes you sleep on the floor in the house you own, and locks himself in your bedroom
- He wants sex workers for his birthday
- He forgets how to spell your name, what your last name is, or what your phone # is
- He lives in his mother's house but says "she lives with me"
- He gets drunk and hits a cyclist but blames the cyclist
- He lies and keeps secrets, and when caught says "but I didn't want to hurt you ..."