NT needs help understanding...

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I bet he is really happy to have someone like you fivecents You are so very understanding.

You know, I was thinking about this a little further, and I don’t want anyone to think I don’t stand up for myself and let him have his way as my resolution to resolving conflicts. We do engage in logical debates (we don’t refer to them as arguments), but I never pull an emotional hissy fit (which takes all the strength I have, and took a long time to figure out that he is not receptive to emotional outbursts). I don’t say “you hurt me”. I don’t say “I feel hurt”. I say “how would you interpret your actions (let’s say withholding information) if I did that”. It gives him perspective on what his meaning was (not wanting to upset me, or more selfishly, not wanting an argument) and how he would interpret this (oh, yes, if you did that I would think you are being dishonest).

He isn’t always happy having a girlfriend around, which is why I give lots of space, and let him pursue me. It is hard, but the rewards of just having him in my life are worth the changes I needed to make.

im a very similar situation with a guy at my school, i have had a massive crush on him since last year and weve gottin pretty close(i invited him to his first party ever last week!and his mom told my mom(there old friends) that he wanted to ask me to homecoming and i wanted to ask him but i was sick. but i m just trying to figure out what the best way to go about this is.an advice would be soo helpful, because i allso want his first party to go well and for him to feel comfortable in my house and with my friends.
thanks KT

Stand by his side but not too close, include him in the conversation by turning to him and asking him a direct question related to the topic of discussion, sneak off frequently to a quieter place and don’t make him stay too long. Come up with a code word if he wants to leave.

well its the same way of them understanding us.
i personally HATE the term Nt because it suggests that most of the population is this so caled normal again. I do think that People are still there own indivialds regardless of whether they have As or not.
I think you should give it a go. But try nort to treat him different coz of his as.
Because people are stil unique in their own right dont give him any special treatment
i once went out wth this guy who then later found ot i had as from someone else. we had been going thr a rough patch anyway but then he started to treat me different almost unnatural and fake because of that
Dont do that word of warning
remember everyone is different and even if people have as they are stil dffeernt in there own right
much love
xx

I agree with Angelgirl. My suggestion would be for both NT or AS. Just a way to make someone comfortable in a new situation.

Before I found out my bf was AS, I treated him uniquely and as an individual and treated his quirks with respect that I would give anyone. Finding AS has only changed the way I react to some things he does. I now understand some things that I didn’t before, especially surprising him with visits, even though he told me I can surprise him anytime. Just not while busy…

I know form reading here that AS just perceives and reacts to the world differently than NT does. Just different. Not bad, actually, quite good, but it gets tough being misunderstood constantly.

I would recommend just being gently direct, always honest, and say what you're feeling without leaving it up to the guy to guess.

And this goes for all relationships, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, AS or NT.

no offence to anyone, but if all women could learn to say their feelings and not leave it up to us men to guess, thigns would be a WHOLE lot easier lol. I'm just glad my gf speakers her mind most of the time. soooo much easier for us can't-work-that-crap-out people lol

I agree. Men have gone running for the hills when I politely speak my mind, however, I don’t need any guessing games in my life. I am not sure how women become guessing game players, and I am happy I missed training that day.

update: we got back together

We just decided that we really were very much in love and that we didn't want to be without each other. We know it's going to be hard, but we're both committed to making it work.

I feel like peace has returned to my world.

YAY! I am glad you two worked it out. All relationships go through bumps; the most important thing is communication. Ask questions and be patient for responses. Some people need to mull things over before they answer.

As far as peace returning, ahh, yes I know that as well. When my bf and I have taken breaks in the past, I just went through life numb. When he returns, it is heaven on earth!

What was the resolution between the two of you?

the party sucked he complained the intire time he complaned about the food the activities,he smoked all ofus at wii sports and he went home an hour early aftercomplaining about our lake of fun-ness.and he covered his eyes during the intire movie because it was innopropriet, we were watching liecence to wed for petes sake, i dont think this relationship is going towork im too libral yoga-doing hippy for him i think.

We both wrote out long emails to each other of what our expectations where of each other and ourselves in the relationship. I think it helped us see more of how the other person viewed things.

We had a totally kick butt New Years together. I stayed at his place and when I was getting ready to go back home, we did not go into our typical fight. And when we were in a potentially explosive discussion, we were able to talk it out. It was awesome. I just said to myself "wait a minute, how can I say this different?" and I did my best to keep us on topic instead of skipping all over the place and never really solving any one thing. That helped A LOT! We actually got to that "ohhhhhhhhhh! I get it!" moment.

Sooo happy tonight.

Thanks for everything fivecents. Your words are all starting to make total sense now.

Hey , congrats Firgs

Firgs!! An “Ah-ha” moment! Congratulations! Sometimes stopping yourself and even giving up a little puts you back in control. One trick I have learned is to stop myself and ask myself what I want the outcome to be before I even open my mouth. It helps stave off arguments, because ultimately I want peace and happiness between us. I will give up on small points like “tracking dirt into the house” and just say, “ok, I will stop” and make an effort to take my shoes off when I come in.

I am so happy you managed to stay on topic without getting emotionally explosive. It is so hard at first. Don’t get me wrong, some days I get a little snappy and take something the wrong way and get snitty back, but when I realize what I am doing, I stop, apologize and concede. If it something really important, I will bring it up later when I am not emotional about it.

Kaytigirl, his behavior sounds not too bad. He was probably feeling really nervous and was acting a little goofy from nerves. If you really like him and give him time, this will settle down. If you are looking for the perfect gentleman date, I don’t know what to tell you. You have to do what you think is cool, not what your friends think is cool. He can redeem himself later if you decide to continue the relationship.

My friends had a bday party for me in September (just friends, maybe 6 of us), and my bf joined me (we have a rule that if he doesn’t want to come, I don’t want him there, as I am fine solo even if my heart wants him by my side) and asked if he could switch the tv in the living room and watch the end of the race. Of course, once the race was over, he watched other car shows and never joined us in the kitchen. I brought him his plate, gave him a little kiss on the cheek to let him know it was ok to not join in the chit chat and let him know I was still happy he came. I think I saw every muscle in his body relax because he was accepted by me no matter what. At one point he jiggled his glass at me for a drink refill, which I did with a smile. I do this because I understand him and love him. I later asked my girlfriends if they were ok that he vegged on the couch, and you know what their response was? Yes, it was totally fine for two reasons, 1) he treats me well and 2) he makes me happy. Enough said. I’ve had NT bfs that ruined parties for me by being drunk, rude, sloppy, etc. Your date was a little off key, but not horrible or unforgivable. These things take time and patience. He needs to feel comfortable. If you like him, this was far from a disaster.

But, it is about what you can handle, not about his quirks. He won’t change, you can.