Slys dating site advice help thread.

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I don't think it's easy for them but they've achieved something that made their lives easier and they want the same for you, but our problems are not all the same.

Women do get pickier in some ways but they also have more realistic ideas of what will suit them so they are no longer all interested in same guys. They stop looking for someone that will impress their friends and are looking for someone to settle down with. A better job would help you find someone mostly because it would boost your confidence and give you the money to run a car or do other things. But I don't know how possible that is, what is your degree in?

That means Fluffy lost 49 pounds!

I need to lose about 30. 2 Stone 2 lbs.

I think Sly’s degree has something to do with engineering and that ilk.

She messaged me. She seemed nice and kind, clearly got that wrong.
I don’t care if someone fat or starting school late, though if they’re in college it’s 99% guaranteed they won’t date me. People in college are in dream world where they graduate get a high paying job and live happily ever after. But a lot of people graduate find no job and end up in fast food or retail. I’m not alone in that. It’s a big problem with the college system currently. When I was going to college I didn’t have a mindset that I was better then others who weren’t. But it’s pretty much universal mindset for women in college it seems. But atleast 1/4 will have the world crash down on them when reality hits. Anyways. She’s further proof that even women who don’t say in their profile that guy must have well paid job, car and own place still want them. She wasted weeks of my time. She should have just be upfront and put it on her profile. Or i dont know read my profile.

It’s not bulshit you don’t understand our struggles, doesn’t matter if you struggled years ago. Some rich people started poor but they also don’t have a f*****g clue what it’s like to be poor, they’ve been rich so long they forgot what it’s actualy like.

WE ARENT YOU, WE ARENT YOU, WE ARENT YOU.

Glad you improved but doesn’t mean all’s aspies can. You probably weren’t effected by the disorder as much. It’s a spectrum. Some of us are better off then others. So you being able to work full time doesn’t mean I or fluffy or league girl can.

Similarly there’s an aspie surgeon does that mean yiu can be a surgeon? Can you be a professional basket ball player? Micheal Jordan can so certainly you also must have his talent and abilities? Right cause everyone’s the same and capable of doing the same stuff right? No way people have different abiliand disabilities, no way some people can do things others can’t. No way that’s impossible. If you did it anyone can. That’s the bs. Just cause you did it doesn’t mean anyone can. That’s not how the world works. We are all different and able to and not able to things.

And all your post of suggesting things I can’t do, make me feel worse and more worthless and loser like. It doesn’t help. Ignoring someone’s disabilities and difficulties doesn’t help.

They talk about it like it’s so easy anyone can do it. Just like billionaire say anyone can make billions of dollars. That must be why 99% population hasn’t become billionaires right? Must be why most are poor people cause it’s just so easy to be rich, no it’s all lucky and ability and if you lack one or both you don’t succeed.

They want the same guy, a guy with a good paying job, new car, and his own place. That never changes whether the woman’s 25,40, or 90. They still demand that. There’s 80 year old women on Craigslist and dating sites who demand that. There’s no age where they just like oh man all that superficial stuff doesn’t matter. Some time around 20-25 they demand it and it never goes away with age, if anything it gets more. Like at 24 they might just want a guy who works min wage has a beater car and lives with roommates, but by 30 he better have a decent job, good car and one place, by 40 they want him to have a well paid job, new car and nice place. They won’t accept anything less. But they expect men to accept less in them. The whole my income or higher. But that by default means the higher guy has to accept women with his income or less, hypocrites. They either need to find s guy with the exactly the same income as them or be willing to date a guy with less income. Isn’t equality so great it’s never about impressing their friends. It’s abiut seeing relationships as a business transaction, they want the best employee they can get. They give their companionship and sex for his income and status. It’s sick. I wish with women empowerment and women getting lots of good jobs that they’d decreased their requirements and dated lower men, men dated poor or unemployed women for hundreds of years. But there very few lowmpaid or unemployed women anymore. Which is good, but their requirements and standards are the exact same as hundreds of years ago. Most Women haven’t adopted to the times.
But world is supervisory crap. We need world war 3 to wipe the slate , let humans start over again hopefully build a better world.

My degree is in automotive technology(fancy talk for car mechanic) but I can’t do thst work and now 7 years later I’ve completely forgotten everything I learned so it’s double useless, and to top it off I owe 12,000 dollars in student loans, so even if I got a better job magically all that extra money would go to student loans.

Rant/vent

Oh and rent would go up, so would bills. So I’d be poorer then I am now. And each day inching towards a mental meltdown and being locked up in a mental hospital. That’s what no one gets.

We are on housing, and get help paying some bills. When I make more they decrease their aid. So more I make less I actually have. If I worked full time st my work I’d be going into more debt as I’d be paying 250 more a month then I make. So no car.
There’s no situation where I could afford s car unless I got s real good job that pays $30 an hour or more. Student loans is $250 a month, rent is $1100, credit debt takes 15 or 25% of my income once I make over 400 every two weeks. And FYI none of them count each other. So after credit takes their 25% student loans would still expect 250$, hosisingnwill still consider me able to pay the whole rent for our place. I’d be expected to pay all the bills.

I’m getting $177 extra now from ssdi. So I was like yay, I’ll put $50towards my back payments to ssi, then have some left to get haircuts and more food each month, but nope housing will raise our rent cost to cover it or more. When I got this job they raised rent to more then what I bring in with the job. My family increased their payments so thst I able to get the $80 and $40 from working. Otherwise I’d have nothing from working. So I’d have to make a lot from working to over come that all and even think about getting a car.

My moms in hud, that’s how we get this place. But hud thinks I make too much as is they raised our rent to over what I make. I make about $145 after taxes and bills. They raised our rent like $200 or so when I got this job. Those aren’t exactly figure but the basic idea. My $900 a month income, is also too much to get food stamps. So I’m left with $80for food a month and only cause my family covered most the rent increase otherwise all my work income would gone to rent. And since food stamps say I make too much I have no food money. See food stamps doesn’t account for housing and housing doesn’t account for food stamps. They don’t communicate or care. Ssa likewise doesn’t communicate or account for either of them. So food is like well yiu make more now so yiu can afford your own food, housing is like you make more now so yiu can afford more housing, ssa is like you make more now so we’ll pay you less,
Then my job is like slow time so cut your ours down,

Anyways hud i dont know I use to qualify but now thud probably say my wooping $900 income is too much. Anyways there’s a 5 year waiting period list and I can’t apply while living with my mom who’s on hud. So I’d have to move out and be homeless for 5 years or so before th yd maybe get me on hud. They aren’t even taking applications anymore. There so many people waiting to get on hud and get a house. The economy is crap.

Atleast I didn’t move in with my friend years ago. He ended up moving to small country town.

How can you say I don't understand and that it doesn't matter if I struggled years ago? I do understand. I struggled just as bad or worse. I've disclosed many times here that I could not work at all 6 years ago due to my health problems & my income was exactly $zero while I traded what labour I could manage for a roof over my head (Living in my friends construction site, essentially) and food to eat. (Granted, I ate like a King for someone in my dire situation.) I also had $110,000.00 worth of debt hanging over my head at that time, too, and then filed for bankruptcy a year or so later. Sly, I've personally been in that position to the nth degree, how can you possibly say that I don't understand?

I'm not rich, but I'm not extremely poor, either. My current income is a hair above the poverty line for my location and I've left myself with only a few hundred dollars in my bank account - my money is invested, all of it - so, the financial life I live daily is quite a low standard of living as almost all of my income goes out to rent/car/food/medicine. I don't make big bucks at my day job & I don't live "the high life," BUT I'm not stressed about being cash poor right now [i]because I'm not depressed. I can cope with being "broke," much better. Yes, I do know that I have other savings/investments I could fall back on if needed - so that's mentally relieving, but in terms of accessible cash I'm not much better off than you are on a daily basis. I don't spend much money on things or eating out or clothing (lol I sometimes dress worse than homeless people because I'm incapable of caring about worn out jeans/hoodies) etc so it doesn't bother me not to have a bunch of cash in my pocket to splash around. My point with that is that it's a matter of perspective. I most certainly have not forgotten what it's like to be poor, but it seems like a distant past when I used to think poorly. That's the major difference. No depression/anxiety over money. My mental health makes all the difference in the world. Drain my bank account to $0 & empty my pockets of every last coin and I'll make a fresh start again and slowly build up what I need. I couldn't confidently say I could do that 6 years ago in the state I was in, but now? Now I could with relative ease. Same same for multimillionaires I know - if they lost everything today, they'd be back to building it right back up again tomorrow & they'd get there, too. The difference is in how people think. I know because I've been in both situations and had both mentalities. I'm not just guessing. I'm sharing from experience.

I've never once said you were me, no need to clarify that. I've said you're depressed and need to deal with that first before you have a chance to fix the rest of yourself and your life situation.

Anyone, no matter who they are, can improve. Maybe not to the same extent, but improvement & progress is possible for everyone. Who are you to say I wasn't affected by the disorder as much? Again, 6 years ago I couldn't work at all because of it. I got healthier. Now I can work. Just because you can't work full time now doesn't mean that has to be forever. Life is a long time, sly. You, too, can get healthier & be able to do more in the future. Others as well. Some, maybe not, but I don't believe that you're incapable of treating your depression and other symptoms to enable yourself to work more, especially since you managed to complete a college level education.

Maybe I could be a surgeon. It's not my particular area of interest in medicine, though. I do plan on returning to University studies to study Biochemistry & hopefully in the future, Medicine. So, maybe, never know? Pro basketball player? Not too likely. But I'm not suggesting you aim to become a surgeon or pro basketball player or astronaut etc. You're distorting what I'm saying. I'm suggesting it's entirely possible for you to become happier & healthier and then be able to work full time whether at a mechanics shop or factory or as a janitor or any other regular job.

I haven't suggested you do anything I don't think you can do. You don't think you can do them because you're depressed. You feel worse/worthless/loser etc because you're depressed. I haven't ignored any of your disabilities or difficulties. I've suggested you do something to overcome what constrains you, and bit by bit build yourself up to being capable of doing more than you can right now.

How can you say I don't understand and that it doesn't matter if I struggled years ago? I do understand. I struggled just as bad or worse. I've disclosed many times here that I could not work at all 6 years ago due to my health problems & my income was exactly $zero while I traded what labour I could manage for a roof over my head (Living in my friends construction site, essentially) and food to eat. (Granted, I ate like a King for someone in my dire situation.) I also had $110,000.00 worth of debt hanging over my head at that time, too, and then filed for bankruptcy a year or so later. Sly, I've personally been in that position to the nth degree, how can you possibly say that I don't understand?

I'm not rich, but I'm not extremely poor, either. My current income is a hair above the poverty line for my location and I've left myself with only a few hundred dollars in my bank account - my money is invested, all of it - so, the financial life I live daily is quite a low standard of living as almost all of my income goes out to rent/car/food/medicine. I don't make big bucks at my day job & I don't live "the high life," BUT I'm not stressed about being cash poor right now because I'm not depressed. I can cope with being "broke," much better. Yes, I do know that I have other savings/investments I could fall back on if needed - so that's mentally relieving, but in terms of accessible cash I'm not much better off than you are on a daily basis. I don't spend much money on things or eating out or clothing (lol I sometimes dress worse than homeless people because I'm incapable of caring about worn out jeans/hoodies) etc so it doesn't bother me not to have a bunch of cash in my pocket to splash around. My point with that is that it's a matter of perspective. I most certainly have not forgotten what it's like to be poor, but it seems like a distant past when I used to think poorly. That's the major difference. No depression/anxiety over money. My mental health makes all the difference in the world. Drain my bank account to $0 & empty my pockets of every last coin and I'll make a fresh start again and slowly build up what I need. I couldn't confidently say I could do that 6 years ago in the state I was in, but now? Now I could with relative ease. Same same for multimillionaires I know - if they lost everything today, they'd be back to building it right back up again tomorrow & they'd get there, too. The difference is in how people think. I know because I've been in both situations and had both mentalities. I'm not just guessing. I'm sharing from experience.

I've never once said you were me, no need to clarify that. I've said you're depressed and need to deal with that first before you have a chance to fix the rest of yourself and your life situation.

Anyone, no matter who they are, can improve. Maybe not to the same extent, but improvement & progress is possible for everyone. Who are you to say I wasn't affected by the disorder as much? Again, 6 years ago I couldn't work at all because of it. I got healthier. Now I can work. Just because you can't work full time now doesn't mean that has to be forever. Life is a long time, sly. You, too, can get healthier & be able to do more in the future. Others as well. Some, maybe not, but I don't believe that you're incapable of treating your depression and other symptoms to enable yourself to work more, especially since you managed to complete a college level education.

Maybe I could be a surgeon. It's not my particular area of interest in medicine, though. I do plan on returning to University studies to study Biochemistry & hopefully in the future, Medicine. So, maybe, never know? Pro basketball player? Not too likely. But I'm not suggesting you aim to become a surgeon or pro basketball player or astronaut etc. You're distorting what I'm saying. I'm suggesting it's entirely possible for you to become happier & healthier and then be able to work full time whether at a mechanics shop or factory or as a janitor or any other regular job.

I haven't suggested you do anything I don't think you can do. You don't think you can do them because you're depressed. You feel worse/worthless/loser etc because you're depressed. I haven't ignored any of your disabilities or difficulties. I've suggested you do something to overcome what constrains you, and bit by bit build yourself up to being capable of doing more than you can right now.

Last edited by goldfish21 on 25 Jan 2018, 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No one said it's easy. It takes hard work. Nothing worth doing is easy. If you want something bad enough, you'll do what you need to in order to get it. If you don't want it (health, money, feeling better etc) then stop complaining about not having it. Clearly you do want these things, but you haven't reached a point where you're willing to do anything to obtain them. Once you're there, deal with your depression first and foremost and then literally everything else will come easier.

It's good you recognize the social double standards and what women really do want in a partner. Now work towards being those "dateable," things yourself. You have a way better chance of earning more money than you do of convincing women to lower their standards. Further, their standards are not that high. Job, place to live, car on the road - those are pretty basic things in most locations, not over the top high demands. Some locations have a LOT of people with no cars because transit and car sharing programs are convenient and rents are extremely high. Really high standards are the "Housewives of <insert city>," types who won't date a guy who earns less than 6 figures and doesn't live in a downtown penthouse etc. Having a place to live, working a job, and having a car on the road are sort of baseline expectations of most people. You may not have all of these things right now, but they're not wildly high expectations.

Your financial situation is such that it may not make sense to make a bit more money here and there incrementally right away. I haven't crunched the numbers, but there will be a number where it makes more sense to earn more vs not because you won't be penalized further for it. Without doing any math, let's just assume that number is $500/month. So, focus on your health (depression etc) & build yourself up, no matter how long it takes, even if it's a couple of years, until you're pretty sure you can handle the extra workload to earn that $500/mo and then go get it. Alternatively, it may be worth earning a bit more here and there even if you have to give up that extra income, temporarily, because then at least you're getting healthier and easing yourself into more work and money, then eventually you'll reach a point where your total income is actually higher. Either approach could work. The option I wouldn't choose is to remain unhealthy & unhappy, even if you never work more hours or earn more money - if I were in your shoes I'd do everything I could to be healthier & happier even if I never ever earned one extra cent.

I sometimes think about this scene as being really incredible motivation. As I recently read, one speaker calls moments like this "Mortality Motivation." Once people think they could have died from something, they're spurred into action to do the things they want in life. Right now, I wish sly could have the moment Raymond K Hessel has in this scene, and that rather than continue doing the same things he does and complaining about them endlessly, that he could be spurred into dealing with his depression & health issues and work towards his goals & wants in life.

Watch this, sly:

Goldfish, look buddy, I know you mean well, but all you have to go by is words on a screen. You're in no position to judge whether your situation is "exactly like" someone else's situation.

Constantly beating Sly over the head with walls of text about how you, with your surfeit of awesomeness, managed to boldly overcome your challenges isn't doing him any good. Personally, I take medication, and it's helped me immensely, but Sly has reservations about going the pharmaceutical route; therefore, me pestering him that, since they help me, he should totally try it, would do absolutely no good.

You can't brow-beat the horse into drinking. If Sly's going to change his life, he's going to have to do it on his terms, not yours. At the moment, if all he is looking for is a sympathetic ear, there's nothing wrong with that.

I do mean well, thank you for acknowledging that at least. All any of us have on this forum are words on a screen to go by, so not sure what relevance that is. I've never said my situation is "exactly like," someone else'. I said I can relate and I have been in an extremely similar position in life - I am not someone who is wealthy nor born with a silver spoon in my mouth, so to suggest I have "no idea," what it's like to not be able to work or not have any money is false. Like anyone else, I will defend myself against false accusations.

I'd make the same recommendations to anyone, not just sly. I see no point in complaining about the same problems endlessly rather than trying to do something to resolve them. Further to that, this very thread title is a request for advice, so, it's advice he's getting. He's not obligated to like the advice or follow it, but he's getting advice from more than just myself and continues to discount it as valueless rather than try anything differently than he has to date, so of course he's getting pushback on that.

Correct. That's why I said I wish sly could have a moment like Raymond in the video, a moment where he decides enough is enough & takes action to try anything differently in order to get what he seems to desperately want, whether by my recommendations, someone else', or any other method or process. If he's simply looking to vent and complain, post a thread called "sly venting and complaining about all the things he's unwilling to try to change or improve," instead of one requesting advice for how he may obtain what it is he wants then. But here, in this thread, he's posted it requesting advice for how to go about dating and he's gotten it in spades. He should be THRILLED with the attention and advice he's getting from people all over the world trying to help him become a more datable sly.

If I had any ill will against sly I'd kick him when he's down instead of trying to help him. But I don't, so, I won't, and I do hope that sly will some day be able to see the light that not just myself, but everyone posting similar things in this thread, are truly trying to help him see passed his depressed outlook on everything & himself so that he can begin healing in whatever way works for him and move forward with a happier healthier life rather than make the same posts over the next 5 years as he has the last 5.

Wow, I thought our system was confusing. Have you worked out how much you need to cover all of that including those things you would loose by earning more? For example mine is £740 ($1051) This is less than the government gives but for as long as I get anything from them I will be pushed to work more hours so if I can get near £740 I will be independent which is important because they and I are pulling in different directions due to me being an Aspie and a writer. I'm not even sure which one of those things has convinced them I'm an idiot the most.
If I look for a job that pays £740 (which I am legally required to do) I would be working 25+ hours a week, which from experience means 25-35, that's too much, not of the work but of other people. I am looking for some thing around 16 hours a week and I'm researching things I can do from home on my own to earn the rest of the money. I'd like to get it up to £900 as that would make things a lot more comfortable.

I don't agree about what women expect but since you're convinced I think concentrating on you career would be a good thing as your feelings of self-worth are tied up with it. The fact that you can't see it improving is depressing you (as I believe it would anyone) so how are you limited exactly?

No I haven’t. I’d probably have to make over 2,000 maybe 3,000
Rent alone is around 1,200 a month. Bills are $700-1,000. You know, electric, water, trash, cable/internet. So that already is Up to 2,200. Then there’s the credit debt which is hard as it’d be 1/4ish of whatever I make s more I make more it is. Then the $250 from college loans. And while we’re in dream worl. $400 for car payments and $200 for car insurance. Say $400 at min for gas a month. So I’d need $3,450 a month not including credit debt payments to get my life together. So call it 4,000
I’d have to find a full time job paying $25 an hour to get my life together. With no experience and no college degree in any field. And I can’t get government funding t go to college ever again.
My sister is home care worker and makes $2,000ish. A lot of women are homecare workers or nurses who make the same here. Nursing degrees are big at the community college.

You don’t think most women demand a guy who has a good job, car and his own place aka his life together? How many women do you think would dat an unemployed fat loser with no car ? To most women in the USA, good job, car, and own place is like the bare minimum a guy has to have to be seen as dateable. It’s why they call it having your life together. And it’s not just women but society here that considers that, men call men who don’t have those pathetic losers who need to grow up.

Ugh it’s not my depression. I can’t work full time. I’ve been evaluated tons of times but different people. I just can’t mentally handle it. And it’s not worth having a mental break down going to a institution and losing my human rights. And I’m sure that’d make most if not all women avoid me as being crazy and having been institutionalized are huge red flags. Some aspies just arentncut for normal life’s.
There’s not really any jobs here thst aren’t constant working with others. Pretty much all jobs in my area are customer service jobs. We aren’t a manufacturing area. Every job is about interacting with public or selling stuff to people. The more paid people in offices just do it via phones and internet etc. phones give me huge anxiety and stress so a call center is no go, and we have bunch of them here. On of the major cruise lines has a call center here. Then there’s some company offices too who deal with customer service etc. the only manufacturing or packaging place we did have was Pepsi . Long ago we had Sony but they shipped everything over to China. My uncle use to work for them as security. Other then that it’s lumber, lumber mills, lumber jacks cutting wood. We’ve always been a lumb r town still are. We have bunch of mills And warehouser, I can’t do thst work. Too physical too much anxiety. I had tremors on the way home after orientation. Climbing over running saw blades, talking about the guy who got his skin torn off aliv in the debarker. Oh and fires. I was expected to fight fires for the samempay I get now. One of the mills burnt down right before my orientation. They mostly hire mental disabled people and felons. They wanted me to work bunch of 12 hour shifts back to back. I’m shocked I was able to drive home without wrecking. My family wouldn’t let me go back as I was shaking so much.

You are over estimating the car payment.