Males with aspergers - STOP BEATING YOURSELVES UP!

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Henbane
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05 Jul 2011, 9:43 pm

Erisad wrote:

Henbane wrote:

I've seen similar threads to this on non-Aspie websites. All this griping about the opposite sex. It's not an Aspie specific issue, just a human issue.

Fo sho. :/

The point I'm getting at is the men seem to think it's because they're Aspies that they can't find a woman. I'm just saying that's not just an Aspie problem. Lots of men can't find a woman. Lots of women can't find a man. Aspies don't have the monopoly on crap love lives.

RICKY5
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05 Jul 2011, 9:49 pm

Romantic love is BS and I've short circuited the reward cycle that is really why men are wired to even bother.

Erisad
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05 Jul 2011, 10:01 pm

Henbane wrote:

Erisad wrote:

Henbane wrote:

I've seen similar threads to this on non-Aspie websites. All this griping about the opposite sex. It's not an Aspie specific issue, just a human issue.

Fo sho. :/

True enough. I have men that are interested in me and I would love to meet but I can't see myself being able to meet them in person in the near future. It sucks because it's like I would prefer to have no one interested in me at all so I wouldn't feel so bad about not being in a certain part of the state/country. :/

em_tsuj
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05 Jul 2011, 10:31 pm

thanks for the post, hale_bopp. i agree.

personally, i think asperger's gives me something to focus on--something to blame for my unhappiness. i got other things i can pull out of the hat, but asperger's is the one i am using at the moment to justify my self-hatred.

instead of dating, i'm working on self-exploration and self-acceptance at the moment. i realize my chances for a happy relationship are nil until i learn to like myself. i won't be willing to open up and be myself around anybody. thus there will be no intimacy, no possibility of a woman loving me for me and wanting to be with me. how can she love me for me when i am not willing to give her a chance to get to know me?

i realized this the last time i asked a woman out on a date. i did it a few weeks ago because i figured nothing ventured, nothing gained. when i asked, i actually wanted her to say no. i knew i would be really nervous on the date and have no fun, trying to be whoever i thought she wanted me to be, not being myself, because i KNEW she wouldn't like that. that's not a good mental stance to go into dating with. it sets you up for failure.

i'm trying to get out of this mentality. it's a constant battle. perhaps it will get easier with time. hell, other guys probably have different insecurities that they use as excuses for not dating.

SadAspy
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05 Jul 2011, 10:46 pm

Don't be hard on myself? I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship. You say I'm no worse than the average bloke...so the average bloke hasn't been in a relationship at age 28?

hale bopp wrote:

You should see some of the garbage I get in my NZ dating inbox. I bet every member of this forum could write a better message. I think you're way too hard on yourselves.

At least you get messages in your inbox. When I've been on dating sites, I haven't gotten any messages nor have females ever responded to my messages.

hale_bopp
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06 Jul 2011, 12:04 am

MXH wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

Ok I get it.. the males here don't want help or encouragement, they just want to wallow about a bunch of crap about women, go on and on about how awful they are or take the piss out of the thread.

You know stand back and have a look at the world for once. I think most of your problems about how crap you are at everything compared to the average man are dellusions.

not at all. back in highschool i eventually got socially placed with the other unwanteds. and by the time we were out of highschool they had all had multiple good relationships, and seemed to be enjoying things. Yet while at first they considered me to be so much above them even they pushed me off that social group. If the unwanteds dont want you then there is something very wrong with you. I dont see what it is.

I'm not talking about high school cliques. I'm talking about how sh*t NT men are on dating sites. I've seen so many aspies on here complain and it's not an aspie issue at all.

If I had a dollar for every time I've seen NT men say that women ignore their messages on dating messageboards i'd be pretty rich.

Conclusion: Don't base your ability or worth on something stupid like a dating site.

MXH
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06 Jul 2011, 12:31 am

hale_bopp wrote:

MXH wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

then again NT guys on dating sites are usually there cause they lack the ability to get women the "normal" way.

Esteban
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06 Jul 2011, 1:04 am

Online dating is, not to beat around the bush, for dating rejects. One may be a dating reject for all kinds of reasons, including good or neutral ones, but the fact is, people don't usually turn to online dating if they can otherwise have normal love lives. So to somehow take online dating PMs as representative of NT men is unsound. It must be said, turning to online dating is setting yourself up for failure if you're a straight male; just check the straight male:straight female ratio in your area in your age range if you doubt it.

Quote:

True but a rather moot point. That others are also miserable isn't much of an improvement.

In my case, it goes beyond wanting to avoid rejection - I don't expect anything good to come out of a relationship even if I were to find one. I'm socially inept and for the life of me can't figure out the emotional needs of others, so it's irrelevant if a woman is willing to look at me rather than at my bank balance - I'm still not dating material. It's not just fear of being laughed at, it's the expectation that, even if I make it past that, I'll get a load of drama, conflict, and breakup.

I can relate in a way to complaints about men stereotyping women as golddiggers, as I've been in the reverse position - with women assuming 'all men care about is sex.' This has led to bad experiences for me that, rather ironically, have made me wary of friendship with women. There is probably a pretty substantial number of women out there who complain about men only wanting sex, but wouldn't take friendship with a straight man seriously, and might even despise straight men who befriend women (the assumption being that either the guy is gay or it's an underhand tactic to get into her pants).

Dark_Lord_2008
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06 Jul 2011, 1:41 am

A provocative thread created with the sole purpose to pick on male Aspies who do not agree with OPs view/opinion.

Ancalagon
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06 Jul 2011, 2:07 am

SadAspy wrote:

Don't be hard on myself? I'm 28 and have never been in a relationship. You say I'm no worse than the average bloke...so the average bloke hasn't been in a relationship at age 28?

I'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend, so I've got you beat. I can guarantee you that there are others on this forum who have me beat too.

Don't just compare yourself to the average, that's only a half-decent indicator if you're close to typical, which few people on this site are.

The only absolutely guaranteed way not to fail is not to try. It also happens to be the only absolutely guaranteed way not to succeed. Successful people *at anything* fail at it. Then they try again.

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Ancalagon
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06 Jul 2011, 2:11 am

Dark_Lord_2008 wrote:

A provocative thread created with the sole purpose to pick on male Aspies who do not agree with OPs view/opinion.

Did you read the first post? She opened with a compliment.

You may or may not agree with her assessment, but the intent was obviously not derogatory. I've seen derogatory posts before, for some reason or other they don't usually have compliments in them.

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MotherKnowsBest
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06 Jul 2011, 4:10 am

AsteroidNap wrote:

Not sure if adding my experience will sway anyone from negativity, but I'll give it a shot.

First of all I'm a bit older than some of you who are fed up, frustrated. I've been there and dangerously so. I went through a phase when I thought perhaps I was gay...but realized, no I just love women too much. Yeah there was little to no reciprocation, but the fact was I enjoyed their company so much that it was, and is, enough for me just to try and be around them.

For me it has been a slow learning process -- years and years of struggle. I guess perhaps because I love a challenge that improving myself, and finding someone I love without 'settling' seems attainable even now.

But yeah, it wasn't always so. I think when you're young male with AS, you're being f**** over hard by your own hormones -- That is a mighty struggle! But once the hormones start to subside, there's less conflict between your mind (AS) and body (hormones) and you start to figure sh** out, about yourself and dating.

I will tell you that as I get older, it's getting easier and easier to meet women. In fact, without trying to sound bragadocious, I've see an uptick in the number of women hitting on me out of the blue -- for reasons I can't explain to be honest. Of course much of these encounters go nowhere because misread or don't pick up on something, but I'm having fun working at it nonetheless!

At a guess, I'd say that the new found attractiveness is down to the fact that you have reached an age where single men without the baggage of serious ex's (ie wives and longterm partners, children, bitter divorces etc) are a very rare find.

MotherKnowsBest
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06 Jul 2011, 4:12 am

TheygoMew wrote:

It's stupid how some men like to claim what ALL women like as if they really know all women :roll:

That is the negative attitude that makes someone less attractive. I wouldn't want to date a woman hater. I kinda want to go on a fake date with a guy and bash men into oblivion citing all men want is....

Then bring a lengthy list that I will read slowly and have it all be a bunch of negative crap that makes men look like materialistic axe murdering rapists with 10 inch toe nails and no cherries on top.

I want to see how long it would take for him to excuse himself and run out the door leaving me for good.

You know what I'd do next? I'd call him at the restaurant and proceed with the list. Then I'd leave the poor man that got away alone.

You forgot to then tell everyone how awful it was and how it was all his fault.

hale_bopp
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06 Jul 2011, 6:44 am

edit: Not replying to troll posts

Last edited by hale_bopp on 06 Jul 2011, 7:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

hale_bopp
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06 Jul 2011, 6:59 am

Henbane wrote:

Erisad wrote:

Henbane wrote:

I've seen similar threads to this on non-Aspie websites. All this griping about the opposite sex. It's not an Aspie specific issue, just a human issue.

Fo sho. :/

You take over the thread, you seem to have a better way of getting across to people than me. I'm not saying aspies don't have a crap time I know they do, I am one. There may be a lot of aspie guys without Girlfriends, There's also heaps with girlfriends. It's neorologically diverse issue issue and basing your worth on what happens on a dating site is stupid, as 99% people don't reply to people on them anyway, unless it's obviously some supermodel.

Magnus_Rex
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06 Jul 2011, 7:32 am

hale_bopp wrote:

You are not the first one to say this. The general consensus between my friends is that I'm difficult to approach (because I avoid people), but when they manage to approach me, I'm actually very nice, despite (or perhaps, because of) my quirkiness. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop me from avoiding them.

hale_bopp wrote:

Conclusion: Don't base your ability or worth on something stupid like a dating site.

Even though it may not look like it, I actually agree with that.

Damn, some day I will have to write everything I think about myself to detect all the contradictions. It will be lots o' fun!

P.S.: To be honest, I don't blame any of it on Asperger's. I blame it on myself, specifically, on how I deal with my lack of social skills.

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