Proof that aspies can have successful relationships

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What's ToM?

I'm 22, have had a relationship since I was 17, and have a severe case of AS, not a "mild" case. The fact that I have a severe case doesn't prohibit my ability to have a relationship. There are people who are diagnosed with classic autism that have relationships. I very much doubt that I "have less troubles than many of us".

It's not about being "ahead" of people relationship-wise, its about there being the possibility of finding someone who fits you despite your AS. My boyfriend fits me amazingly, even with all my problems. He has to deal with a lot, and I feel incredibly guilty about everything he has to do for me. But we have a relationship despite those. The fact that he'd probably be qualified as a "mild" case of AS (definitely has impairments, definitely has far less than I do), helps us in particular, despite the fact that AS/AS relationships have downsides.

I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I wasn't trying to date or hoping to find someone, I just was being myself and someone showed up, who despite all my social, emotional, sensory, and monetary challenges is a good fit for me. Someone who supports with me when I lose the ability to speak, deals with me when I have daily meltdowns, goes to the store and cleans the apartment for me when sensory issues are keeping me from doing so, and takes care of me when I can't take care of myself.

Your story can inspire hope for those who are still in schools/universities/colleges, and not the 30s adults.

I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with just anyone. There is a lot preventing me from having relationships, from the fact that I have the emotional intelligence of a toddler in some manners, to the fact that I have no idea of how to develop a relationship with someone into a friendship or any idea how to read body language, to the fact that simply being in public is a problem for me and I've yet to see even someone on this board with more severe olfactory issues than I have. But none of these matter in my relationship, we do have to work at it, just like every relationship needs to be worked on; the fact that I'm disabled does cause different challenges, but in the end, we're happy together and love each other, and willing to do what each other needs [when its something we can do].

It's not about either severity or functioning level, its about people. We are people, and there are other people out there who can and will love us. There is hope, there is a chance, there is a possibility there rather than an impossibility.

However, I'm a strong supporter of people not actively trying to date, and not actively looking for relationships. From what I've seen the best ones come despite the fact that you're not trying.

I'm too 'special' for them....Too normal for the special boys too special for the normal boys. I do like this one guy on facebook though...

Tuttle,

I found your post interesting, until I saw the word "boyfriend". I think you are a young woman. Things are different for men than for women if we talk about autistic men trying to find a girlfriend, or where the relationship failed.

Yeah, but women do not want to have a man with "some problems", they demand a man without problems.

I've never dated a man who was entirely problem-free. Two of them had ADHD, two of them had Asperger's and one suffered from dysthymia and attachment disorder. My current partner is a classic ADHD case, although he refuses to admit it, and drives me up the wall with his constant inattention and hyperactivity. I knew this before we entered into a relationship, but it wasn't an obstacle to getting together. Don't think that all womankind would automatically reject you because of your problems.

You mention relationships in which one partner is NT and the other has ASD. Would you prefer a NT partner? It helps sometimes to look among 'your own kind', crudely put. Do you have opportunities to meet fellow Aspies?

That's not an excuse.

ToM is related to empathy - intuitively perceiving the feelings of others, not sympathy which is actually caring about them once you know what they are.

There are two ways of looking at this sort of discussion when you're still in that despairing stage. Some of us find it nothing but a reminder that other people are succeeding while we are failing. Others hear about how people have struggled and managed to win through, and this gives them the hope that if they keep trying they'll get there themselves. The main difference is that the first group have given up - it takes effort to keep trying, and it hurts. If it's impossible, there's no need to keep trying. They don't want to hear that it isn't impossible, because that means they choose to remain miserable. They want to hear about how their condition is hopeless and they are destined never to love. They don't want to be this way, but they want to change it even less.

What do you mean by 'special'?

This. I just haven't said anything.

Guys don't want autistic girls. They aren't very good girlfriends.

There are two ways of looking at this sort of discussion when you're still in that despairing stage. Some of us find it nothing but a reminder that other people are succeeding while we are failing. Others hear about how people have struggled and managed to win through, and this gives them the hope that if they keep trying they'll get there themselves. The main difference is that the first group have given up - it takes effort to keep trying, and it hurts. If it's impossible, there's no need to keep trying. They don't want to hear that it isn't impossible, because that means they choose to remain miserable. They want to hear about how their condition is hopeless and they are destined never to love. They don't want to be this way, but they want to change it even less.

Are you rich? What are the other guys like? She's probably dating you just so she can have a boyfriend, I've done that before.