20 and still no boyfriend. What is the problem?

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Lol, this is such an interesting post. I've had multiple people say to me: 'I just don't know what to think of you' or 'There is just no one like you', 'I just can't place you in a any category'. And I'm like: 'why?'. Maybe that is indeed what they mean by 'vague'. They don't know who I am. But I don't really know who I am either. And I don't know how to come across as less vague (more 'typical'?) I wish I could be that.

And thanks for your advice.

good tips! I was already thinking about the volunteering. I think it would be good for me either way. When I get home to Belgium I will definitely do it. Still have to see if I can fit it into my life here in France but it's definitely a good idea.
Haha yeah I'm not that confident in asking a guy out, but initiating conversations more is definitely something I can (and should) work on. And yeah I am about to do a few sports here at the university, I will start next week so cool

Lol! Really?



OK, let's suppose that I am super duper ugly. Like... hideous. What should I do now? I'm waiting for your advice.
Because I still want to have a boyfriend.



interesting. And are you aware of why you send the wrong signals? So.. what do you do that you give a green light to the wrong people and a red light to the right people?
Pretty cool/brave that you approach men yourself. How do you do that?

Perhaps when your friend described you as 'vague' he meant you came across as aloof or indifferent/uninterested but was just trying to think of a nice way to say it?

I was thinking about the times that I have been approached by men (not that often) and it has generally been when I've given a response to some question or comment they made that (in retrospect) indicated that I was keen to chat or whatever. (The funny thing is often I'm actually NOT but I just am generally kind and friendly because I find ignoring people or not responding rude and difficult. So I find myself responding and at times get stuck in conversations that I have no interest in having!).

A friend of mine (that's gorgeous by the way) will act differently. If she is not interested in a guy she will come of as bitchy either by directly ignoring them or saying a brush-off sort of statement (which implies do NOT talk to me).

I"ll give an example scenario and perhaps you can tell if you do this?

Stranger: ''How cold is it tonight?!'' (In Australia people will sometimes make a statement as a rhetorical type question, I"m not sure if that happens in other places).
Me: ''I know right! I almost got frostbite on the way here''.
...stranger will generally continue conversation

My friend might react like this (if she is not interested)
Stranger: ''How cold is it tonight?!''
Friend: ''Cold.'' (This is if she even responds I"ve seen her just turn her back to people if she doesn't like that, but I'm assuming you probably don't do that).
...stranger has been shot down, will generally walk off.

So maybe you are unintentionally coming off as my friend does ? Not sure really just speculating.

I think generally women like tall and handsome men. But if a guy is tall, handsome and stupid or arrogant I won't be interested.
I think.. as long as a guy looks 'taken care of' (and over 5'7/8) I can be attracted to him. There are very few breathtakingly gorgeous guys on this planet I think (and i don't mean the moviestars/singers etc), but there are enough average looking guys that can be attractive if their personality is attractive.

'eye contact, smiling and creating favorable conditions for meeting people which is important'. yeah, it's been said so many times already. I'll keep it in mind

The idea that women are not as attracted to *looks* as men is not a concept invented by women to make them feel superior.

It's based on the rational (which I dare say was actually first established/invented/hypothesized by a male) that instinctively women are attracted to men that present to be mature and reliable. This goes back to the primal instinct of a woman needing a man to stick by her and protect her (and her children) in times of danger (before modern society obviously). Men on the other hand are more attracted more to looks because they believe it presents as a healthy, strong woman that will bear his offspring.

Men are driven by a desire to spread their seed and apparently attractive women are the best candidates for that. Women are driven by a desire to be protected which is why looks are secondary to maturity and reliability.

Not saying I agree with the theory just saying that's the basis for the discourse.

I think the issue is that a lot of men are intimidated by intelligent women, I am quite the opposite though and most the women get intimidated by my intelligence so I have to tone it down some otherwise they get intimidated or befuddled due to lack of comprehension of having a somewhat intellectual conversation..PARTICULARLY topics of interest I will go on and on and start to sound like a professor lecturing a class. I tend to get picky with women too because unintelligent women are boring.

Well, if the impression you give is 'very insecure' you shoudn't go far from it to look the 'why'. This is the reason. We don't need a woman to show a lot of self-confidence, but at least, we need her not to be insecure.

What's the problem with that? For NT people, social skills are something quite instinctive. So, when somebody shows insecurity, that is considered a sign of 'general' insecurity and lack of self-esteem.

However, when you have AS, social skills become something more difficult to learn. So you can show some insecurity because you really don't know if you're doing right or wrong in social interaction, not because you're insecure. It's like, when you're learning to drive, you look insecure because you don't know how to drive, no matter that you're very self-confident in other facets of your life. But this is very difficult to explain to NT people... At least, think you know you have AS, what is an advantage, I didn't know in my twenties!

What to do? Try to simulate confidence when it comes to social. Even when you doubt if you're saying the right thing in social interaction, say it with confidence. If you're messing it up, you will mess it no matter you say it with or without confidence. Once you jump, jump with confidence because at the end, you're jumping anyway.



Not necessarily. But not being intimidated doesn't mean being attracted.

We -men- usually have a very problem-focused mind. When a women chooses a man, she uses to choose the best one or the most successful one. However, we use to look for the most appropiate one. For example, for us, when it comes to partner material, being emotionally supportive and stable is much more important than being profesionaly successful. Of course, nobody wants a stupid partner with a empty head, but there's more important things that being specially brilliant -when it comes to choose a woman-.

You have to consult a beauty expert - do the necessary tweakings.

My advice is the only important of ALL the other bla bla you are reading in this thread, without getting that first you won't get what you want....and NOTHING of the other advice would work.

I am talking out of a personal experience, go ask spongy, hyperlexian, MXH, Wolfheart and other active members here why I am thinking this way lately.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 25 Sep 2012, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're another one trying to make your gender looks less shallow.

Yes, tell me why you have been thinking this way lately. And tell me what you mean by ;i am talking out of personal experience;

Find someone who looks like you. That my sound oversimplistic but I see it all the time, especially with fellow men. They're dumpy and/or homely and/or overweight but they want some skinny blonde. NOT going to happen - nor would it be a healthy relationship if it did due to imbalance.

Of course, we don't know if you're attractive or not because of your refusal to show it. Once shown, it's purely subjective - people like different things.

Someone shy is someone that may not do the approaching but wont mind if you approach them.
Someone closed off wont do the approaching and wants to be left alone, which usually leads to overreactions when you approach them.

If you want to be approached by males you need to start giving signs that you are open for a conversation at any time(just like I said at page 1 of this topic)

In the whole past 30 years, I was typically geeky-looking: Physically very thin (and short), huge glasses, dull haircut, chaotic young beard, timid posture....etc

Almost 30 years.... THIRTYyears, do you get it? this is crucial to understand, In the whole past THIRTY years I was never been approached, liked, crashed on by a girl, not even a glimpse or the slightest sign of interest. Real life and online dating alike, not a single date ever, everything was zero, nil.

Everything has changed when I made some tweaking to my looks: I went to a gym like 9 months ago, better haircut, better fashionable facial hair, better fashion....etc and BOOM, fans appeared everywhere (throuh real life and online) and started getting dates like every other weekend (mostly from online encounters), check my latest threads.

I got at least 4 girls in total seriously interested in me and few others who just wish to f**k me in a period of months.

Still lack huge experience compared to the girls of my pool age. Relationship-wise I am now, a 30 years old guy, equivalent to a normal 14 years teen boy who just started discovering the dating/relationship world.

Men and women, we are different. If you're a man, and you want to get laid because of your body, you must look really well. And when it comes to online dating, getting a date it's all about good looking.

But the same doesn't apply to women. A woman can get laid provided she passes a 'minimum' that would be the 'standard' woman. Women don't need to look specially beautiful to get laid. Not looking bad is enough. We're easy.

Indeed, think in your own case. You had to go to the gym for almost a year, fashion dress and hair cut to get laid. However, did the women you shagged go to the gym every day and fashion dress? Would you decline and say 'no' to a shag with a 'normal' woman because she's not a 'hot gym-fashion' woman?

Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.