Aspie men and distance

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Hurtloam I wonder if they are intimidated by you? Like they get to know you and are like 'this girl is so awesome and honest, she is probably out of my league'.

Although sometimes I wonder if us aspies are like candles burning strong and then fizzling out and losing interest. I am ashamed to admit I lost interest in some people who approached me online (looking back I wish I had handled it better)

It was a rather dull discussion. This tangent about violence is much more interesting.

I disagree. I think there's been some really insightful answers here, that I can actually relate to.

Glad that it did reach you. I hope you are well.

Sorry, I haven't had time to respond properly. A couple of comments stood out to me.

This! So much this. I've needed to speak to a certain person and he's done this on several occasions. I used to think that he really disliked me, but upon getting to know how better I realised that he's got nothing against me and it's an anxiety thing.

I go up to him when he's talking to someone. I say hello. He looks at me and walks away. I have to snap him out of whatever it is that happens and get him to come back. Or if the other person he was talking to starts talking to me I'm stuck in a conversation so I have to go and find him again when the conversation ends to tell him whatever it was I had to tell him.

It makes me avoid talking to him unless I have a specific reason. You can't really grab someone and say, "hey I just wanted to chat". So if I have a specific reason for talking to him I can grab him and say, "hey I need to talk to you about xyz".

How do you help someone with that kind of anxiety? How do you help them feel OK with talking to you?

Maybe talking is not the answer? There are other ways of communication that might be less scary

I wonder what a flirtatious note would do LOL

OK. Before I can answer...first of all, are you *sure* he likes you back? Also, if I can answer this at all, it can only be from my perspective. There are some people who freeze up like that who also avoid human contact. If he's one of them, you'll have a hard time, and he might be unreliable. More background on him would be useful.

But doing what Smudge says is very important: 'are your intentions pure young man?' (sorry picturing this dialogue in a church scenery )

I don't, but what's the point asking an aspie forum why NTs do something. I want an aspie perspective. If you guys did this what would be the reason?



Yes, I understand that feeling of being scared. I do the same. You've described how I start flaking out around someone I like very well.

It's more rejection by lack of interaction. I've noticed people sort of gravitate towards each other naturally. That never happens for me.

I can't just ask out someone I'm not already comfortable with. It seems like a weird thing . Someone else on the forum commented in another thread that it feels fake when someone says they like you, but they don't even know you.

I'm a wallflower is what I mean. I don't know how to interact naturally. I get rejected as nothing and unimportant rather than a direct no.

What's the point in pursuing someone who doesn't care whether you exist?

I don't know for sure. I can't give more info. I feel bad about what I've already said.

He's OK with other people. When I thought he didn't like me I asked a friend what she thought and she was like, "he's not that way with anyone else that I've noticed". That convinced me that he hated me. But we've spent more time together since then and he doesn't seem to dislike me.

Would you be willing to learn to chameleon another persona than a wallflower? Just trying it on like a suit?

You're asking an Aspie forum for advice but your reality is probably 99% an NT world with 99% NT males.

I learned theatricals at a very young age. For me it's like a second nature. I learned: well, males like boobs and booty, sexy clothes, just sex/sexy in general, make up and heels. Some like tattoos, leather and piercings, kinky sex and colored hair. So I just acted my booty off.
Didn't always worked out well, but yeah I got lots of experiences to learn from...

Got meself a nice Aspie specimen after all haha go figure

I am truly amazed at why didn't you try something else if doing the same thing over and over and over again didn't pan out? Not judging just really extremely curious.

The guy might "care that you exist"---but he doesn't know how to express it properly.

Because I don't know what to do.

Why should I pretend to be someone I'm not. Won't that make things more stressful?

I started dressing more attractive, but I just get stared at.

I wish I could hang out with you in person, Hurtloam.

Whatever is "causing this" might be quite subtle.

It's probably more him than you (no, I'm not saying this because "this is what you want to hear.")

It's so subtle----that it's frustrating!

It's really hard to help you if you're vague.

The only thing I would say for certainty - is to tell a gobby friend that you like him. He'll find out, and then you judge how he behaves around you from then. Don't tell him directly or it might scare him.

Also for me, when I last did this, and I couldn't talk to the guy face to face, his friend I told asked my crush to talk to me on Facebook messenger, and he did. He also tried to ease my anxiety by showing interest in my interests. For instance, he knew I liked Spongebob, so he started favouriting childrens cartoons and books to his FB page.

Sometimes a man who likes you will display it in some way, trying to get your attention most often when not talking to you. Like whistling to get you to turn around, or when they're talking to a friend and they see you, they might start bragging a bit about themselves or start talking about something to impress you, or one of your interests. Or they might try to get you to approach them by going off away from the group somewhere. IOW, look for signs of acting differently, even if negative. I mean, a decreased amount of eye contact for instance can be a good sign.

Of course, saying all of that, there are really obvious cues I miss. Embarrassingly obvious. I often can't tell what is happening in real time, afterwards I analyze conversations and situations in my head repeatedly until I can understand it better, including their body language. I look at what I did too in order to cause the other person(s) reactions. Sometimes I need to ask a friend though and it all makes sense, most of the time. You want the type of friend who's intelligent and blunt - they're invaluable. Your other friends likely won't tell you what's going on.

Last edited by smudge on 11 Oct 2016, 10:32 am, edited 1 time in total.