My girlfriend wants to have a child but I'm not ready yet

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Do you actually want to have children?

It doesn't say in your OP whether before you met this person you wanted to be a parent. I've never been interested in babies and never felt the desire to have kids so I knew it would be wrong of me to have them just to seem normal and like everyone else. Do you feel that impulse to be a parent, have you always felt like you wanted to have kids of your own someday? Because if you don't feel that, you really shouldn't have kids with anyone. There is nothing wrong with choosing to be childless.

I think it's very wrong to bring children into the world that aren't really wanted, it just creates suffering in an already overpopulated world.

Forget dirty diapers, the thing that would really push me past the limits of sanity is the TV shows they make for preschoolers.

One of my friends has a 5 year old son. I came over when they were watching Peppa Pig. Is this show supposed to be educational? Really?

It actually seems to be designed to make children stupider. Why do they all talk so slowly? Is it made for kids learning English as a second language? Why is the protagonist such a selfish little twerp? She's not exactly a good role model.

Why is the animation so bad? It makes Hanna Barbera Cartoons look like Disney. Why are both their eyes on the same side of their head? Is this some inspired take on Picasso or just lazy animation?

The other preschool shows aren't much better. Many of them seem to revolve around conflict free plots. Because kids need to be taught that the real world is free of conflict, right?

I think I would go insane watching those shows. I think that any preschool aged child who watches them will be made stupider for having seen them.

Of course kids don't watch TV much nowadays. They have tablets and iThings and smart devices. They get their video entertainment from Youtube. Youtube has literally millions of videos for kids. If you think the kids shows on TV are bad, take a look at the kids shows they put on Youtube. What were they thinking?

I'm really not sure. There's a part of me that's terrified of having a child and a part of me that wants to have a child.

I can't tell you what to do, I can only say listen to your inner voice. All I know is that I think it's wrong to have children unless you feel a strong desire to be a parent. Being nervous in understandable because becoming a parent is a life-changing thing. But unless it's something that you've always felt a strong desire to do despite being nervous about it, then I wouldn't do it if I were you. But only you know for sure whether it's something you really want or just something you think you should do because of societal pressure, because it's what everyone does. That's what you have to answer for yourself before you decide what to do with your girlfriend.

Pro tip: you are in direct control of what devices and/or tv viewing they have access to. There’s no law that says a kid MUST have a smartphone, tablet, computer, or TV. I just show my kids the kinds of things I do and let them do that. My oldest could play with Native Instruments iMaschine for HOURS, whereas I lack the patience and don’t remember why I wanted it so bad in the first place.

As a woman i can relate to her. It doesnt neccesarly must mean she does use you. If you had the feeling she doesnt give back the love that you are give her then maybe you should try to talk with her. There are better countries to even begin with emigration. With 30 years a woman does not simply like a 18 year old do such things as they where described without haveing any idea of consequencies. She feels that clock, and yes its there with 30 you feel like your time is run out and each year that passes without that dream of family fulfilled they become more distressed to its rare to find a guy to create a family which to also treats you like a human being or is able to offer a stable relationship that lays a foundation for any future. N9w with that being said 5 years is terrifying for her mental state. To it can be seen as a test aswell to see if she comits. I can tell you 5 years is to long shell go and search for her luck elsewhere or you set her free to be fair. Shell feel like shes wasteing her life. Thats a normal process a woman must get passt at a certain age and its very difficult mentaly. To you must understand that you both are from different backgrounds and mentality. Perhaps moveing in early with your partner and planning for eventual family might be considered normal to her. That doesnt mean shell do these paranoid things most people tell.

My wife seemed to go through 3 phases when pregnant. 1. Shock and terror after finding out she was pregnant, 2. Really enjoying the baby bump and all the attention she got from other people, 3. Sheer terror and desperation when labor started, because NOW it’s real: we’re not just having a baby, we’re bringing a HUMAN BEING into the world...OH CRAP what were we thinking???

For me as a dad, it was more about doing the right thing, not about what I wanted in terms of what I felt was right for ME.

So, I was just terrified the whole time.

In the end, though, I think if I had to regret something, I’d rather regret something I did than something I didn’t do.

I dunno. I think you have to be a little crazy to really want kids. If you AREN’T scared to death when it happens to you, something is wrong. You really have no idea what it’s like without doing it. We take everything in stride. We had no support system. No babysitters. No parents to take them for a weekend. NOTHING. So instead of redefining our whole existence, we just grafted our kids onto everything we did. It’s gotten to the point that when we ARE separated from our children, it feels wrong. We keep them close. Which makes us sad that they have enough autonomy to handle themselves long enough for us to leave them alone at home. It’s like we have freedom now, but we don’t really want it.

Parenting is a huge mindfreak like that.

Not trying to convince someone to have kids if they don’t want to. Not saying you’re making the wrong decision by not. I’m just saying that as frightening as it is at first, it ends up not really being that big a deal. You’d really be surprised how easy it becomes.

Oh, and one more thing. I can’t speak for all parents out there. But I can say that if you have children, you’ll very likely find out your parents were almost always right.

I have an idea you said she must pay the 10k herself, yes? If she uses you, shell find a way to make you pay, if shes honest shell pay and its a serious comitment from her to you. That gives you both time to think where things will move at your both lifes.

That's great. But I have never in my 38 years felt the remotest impulse to have kids, so I'm not going to have kids. I have zero interest in raising children, I don't really like being around kids (my childhood was very unhappy and being around children reminds me of that), and that has never changed so I don't expect it ever will. I'm not going to be a parent, so everything you just said is pointless when directed at me.

It's not that I hate kids. It's just that I can't relate to them. Kids seem very alien to me. They want different things and they think differently. They even seem to speak a different language. Sometimes I have difficulty understanding their speech.

Yes. Perhaps I should be more sympathetic to GF. I should put myself in her shoes. It may seem like I'm jeopardising her chances of getting the thing she wants most.

But she is not as single minded as that. She's not driven by primitive unquestioning urge to procreate. She has her own doubts about having kids.

They seem to come and go with her ovulation. For one week out of every months she obsesses about babies. About how cute they are. About how her friends have babies and she doesn't. About how she's 30 now and her time is running out.

The rest of the time she's more even minded. She says that she might like to have children but like me she's worried about raising them. In addition she worried about what effect pregnancy and birth will have on her body. In a way she has more to worry about than me since my body won't be effected.

A few times she's said that she doesn't want a child that much and that she's just doing this because her mother expects her to have one. She entertained notions of rebelling against her mother by not having one. She's very close to her mother but her mother is demanding about certain things. It's partly because of her mother that she's with me. Her mother said she had to get a boyfriend. It looks like I was in the right place at the right time.

When she's not ovulating, GF obsesses over other things, such as real estate. She devotes much time to sifting through property listings on the internet to determine which house or apartment we should buy. Our walks typically revolve around running (sometimes literally) towards any For Sale sign she spots. During this time she has little interest in babies, though I often remind her that while a small apartment is ok for the two of us, it would not be suitable for a family of three.

About a month ago GF suggested that I have a vasectomy when she realised there was a high chance the child would have aspergers. Of course I was more than a little insulted by this. I'd been thinking of having a vasectomy just so I could avoid raising children in general (not specifically so I could avoid raising children with aspergers). For a while I entertained the notion that regardless of the appalling reason for her wanting me to get a vasectomy, it could still tie in with my own plans to get one.

But this plan had two snags. Firstly, getting a vasectomy seems so final. There was and is a part of me that wants to try raising a child. Who knows, I might be good at it. She might be good at it. Secondly, she hinted that the vasectomy was only to prevent her having a child by me. She implied that she could get a sperm donor or adopt.

It's possible that my extreme brattiness as a child was caused by aspergers but not all aspie kids are like that. It's possible that by adopting I could avoid that brattiness but it still seems wrong. I normally think adoption is a very noble and generous act but not when it's done for this reason.

I don't want to adopt. True there are probably some kids who really need good foster parents. Call me selfish. I don't buy this idea that procreating will lead to some overpopulation crisis since in the developed world, the birth rate has gotten very low. It's now barely above subsistence levels.

Enlighten me.

Well, then in that case it means your relationship' goals aren't the same as hers - parenthood is a major goal for her while for your it's not, so maybe this relationship isn't destined to last.
And it would be unfair to make her wait 5 years or so and at the end you tell her you're still not ready. At least decide whether you will ever want to be a dad or not.

Yes, I'll do it. If after 5 years she still wantz one, I will not break my promise to her.

From my experience it's tiresome and pointless to discuss with a feminist.

Women who don't want to have a child can choose to abort it. Men are stuck paying child support (in some cases, for children that aren't even theirs) regardless of whether they ever wanted a kid or not.

In my view men should be allowed to "abort" a child they don't want; however, it requires they relinquish any and all parental rights. After all, if a woman chooses to terminate a pregnancy, she doesn't get to decide five years later that she made a mistake, and wants to be part of the child's life.