It's really not as easy as you think

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The Grand Inquisitor
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04 May 2019, 12:42 am

hurtloam wrote:

Antrax wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

hurtloam wrote:

Even though there's loads of men, they're still too fussy to want me or any of my single friends :/

This Makes me feel worse lol.

Or maybe you're not giving yourself enough opportunities to meet them.

This is my conundrum. I've had enough success dating to not be completely discouraged. However, it's difficult to meet people through my normal social circles, and dating random people on the internet seems exhausting and awful. I have other things going on in my life that I care about, and don't want to make my life all about "trying to find the one."

This. It's exhausting meeting new people.

I work in a male dominated industry and I still have no interest.

Yes, but it's necessary for finding a relationship. Clearly work isn't working for you, so it might be time to try something new.

I understand that you don't want to do online dating, and that's fair enough, but tbh I think you'd have a lot more success with it than you have with only trying to meet people at work. Work is not an environment where socialising is the primary reason you're there, or even the secondary reason, it's just work. And having break-ups and such at work makes for a precarious situation, so many people will avoid it for that reason. No harm in trying new strategies when old ones aren't working.

hurtloam
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04 May 2019, 12:45 am

Its not just work. I've beem meeting people through friends as well.

I get a bit of interest, but it always fizzles out, they never want anything serious, they just want to have a shallow bit of fun and flirting.

hurtloam
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04 May 2019, 12:51 am

Interestingly enough, ideas from less internet based people have been to travel more, which is probably what I'm going to do, because I would enjoy it, so even if I don't find someone I'll still have fun.

That is my plan round my forward.

The Grand Inquisitor
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04 May 2019, 1:13 am

hurtloam wrote:

Well through friends is probably better, but there's only so many people you can meet through friends. I believe you mentioned something about wanting a relationship where you start out as friends first and have it evolve into a relationship, and sometimes that happens for people naturally, particularly when they're not even actively looking for relationships, but when it doesn't, limiting yourself to only that kind of relationship can be a challenge.

I've said to you in the past that having no mutual explicit acknowledgement that there is a romantic dynamic to a relationship can be a problem. I mentioned that this is because misinterpretations can occur, but it's not the only reason. When there is only a belief that you and another are in the process of forging a romantic relationship, even if you've been given concrete evidence that this person is interested in you, without any mutual acknowledgement of interest, the other person is less inclined to feel obligated to inform you if they then change their mind, or whether they're interested in you romantically or sexually. I'm a big believer in communicating in all kinds of relationships, and when that line of communication isn't open, misconceptions are more likely to occur, as you don't know exactly how that other person is feeling, even if you know they've expressed interest in you.

It seems like you have a tendency to meet a guy you like, fall for him, get a bit of oneitis, and then get crushed when it doesn't work out. I used to operate similarly but as far as I'm concerned it's not an effective way to approach it. I certainly don't fall for someone unless I know they like me back and want to see if we can form a relationship

The Grand Inquisitor
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04 May 2019, 1:16 am

hurtloam wrote:

Well, that's not a plan I'd be adopting. Travelling is cool, but even if you meet someone on your travels, then you encounter the problem of distance. Personally I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship because you miss the best parts, and it's just too complicated

Antrax
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04 May 2019, 1:20 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

I certainly don't fall for someone unless I know they like me back and want to see if we can form a relationship

How do you know? I never know anything that's going on in another person's mind. I can infer some things by their words and actions but I'm never certain.

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The Grand Inquisitor
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04 May 2019, 1:23 am

Antrax wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

I certainly don't fall for someone unless I know they like me back and want to see if we can form a relationship

How do you know? I never know anything that's going on in another person's mind. I can infer some things by their words and actions but I'm never certain.

They would have to tell me that that's how they feel, potentially after I've asked.

The_Face_of_Boo
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04 May 2019, 1:57 am

You can travel in this:

That would certainly make you in a RelationShip.

hurtloam
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04 May 2019, 3:29 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Antrax wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

I certainly don't fall for someone unless I know they like me back and want to see if we can form a relationship

How do you know? I never know anything that's going on in another person's mind. I can infer some things by their words and actions but I'm never certain.

They would have to tell me that that's how they feel, potentially after I've asked.

I still think that's impossible. I'm not a robot.

I don't think you understand how men are with me. How they like to flirt and get my attention. I'm not mad they do it to other women too.

Only this guy really crushed me because he's not your usual flirt... I thought it was real.

Anyway, that's how things are done round here. You find someone you're seriously interested in, then you ask them out. My general acquaintances don't just go on dates with randos. They pair up with people they know and it seems to work out well because they know what they're getting, mostly because they already know the person and have things in common and already like them.

I know some lovely couples

Just sucks to be me because I'm not good enough to be liked by anyone.

rdos
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04 May 2019, 4:26 am

Antrax wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

I certainly don't fall for someone unless I know they like me back and want to see if we can form a relationship

How do you know? I never know anything that's going on in another person's mind. I can infer some things by their words and actions but I'm never certain.

That's a compatibility issue. You should be able to understand at least rudimentary things in the other person's mind for it to be worthwhile. For instance, if you flirt with them, you should get a feeling back that they enjoy it, and also should notice that they seek new opportunities to do it. When things move further, you should form a communication link that can be used at a minimum to exchange emotional information.

I don't think trying to communicate verbally is a reasonable alternative. Especially since many NDs have trouble talking about feelings and picking up other's emotional state. Not only that, I think many prefer to just know what their partner wants & thinks without having to talk about it. I certainly do, and I value being able to do that nonverbally highly.

And drop "being certain" completely. Think in terms of statistics, not certainties.

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04 May 2019, 4:39 am

Dan82 wrote:

This is one reason I think it's important that people should encourage each other to spend a certain amount of time/energy specifically doing what other people like. It's easier to work this kind of thing out if you come in expecting to work with another person even if it's otherwise not really your thing rather than looking for a laundry list of concrete, specific criteria.

I don't think that is helpful. Being able to work with random people (which will mostly be NTs) is mostly counterproductive if done to increase "dating value". That's because you will learn how to please NTs, not how to identify and bond with other NDs.

hurtloam
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04 May 2019, 4:44 am

rdos wrote:

Antrax wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

I certainly don't fall for someone unless I know they like me back and want to see if we can form a relationship

How do you know? I never know anything that's going on in another person's mind. I can infer some things by their words and actions but I'm never certain.

Ah but you've got to be really careful because it can be one sided and you just imagine they like you back.

I'm looking for something more sociable, but less like conducting interviews with strangers.

Antrax
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04 May 2019, 10:45 am

rdos wrote:

I don't think trying to communicate verbally is a reasonable alternative. Especially since many NDs have trouble talking about feelings and picking up other's emotional state. Not only that, I think many prefer to just know what their partner wants & thinks without having to talk about it. I certainly do, and I value being able to do that nonverbally highly.

You may want to brush up on your ASD criteria:

DSM 5 wrote:

2. Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

Most people on the spectrum are probably better off with verbal communication at least in the early stages. I can see how if you know the same person for a long time you can pick up on their non-verbals but that will not be the case in the early stages of asking someone out or beginning a relationship.

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XFilesGeek
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04 May 2019, 10:58 am

^ He literally thinks autistic people can form "mind-to-mind" links and communicate via "telepathy." :roll:

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Antrax
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04 May 2019, 11:30 am

XFilesGeek wrote:

^ He literally thinks autistic people can form "mind-to-mind" links and communicate via "telepathy." :roll:

When they were handing out Vulcan powers to autistics they only gave me logical thinking and forgot to give me super-strength and telepathy.

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hurtloam
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04 May 2019, 12:23 pm

Antrax wrote:

XFilesGeek wrote:

^ He literally thinks autistic people can form "mind-to-mind" links and communicate via "telepathy." :roll:

When they were handing out Vulcan powers to autistics they only gave me logical thinking and forgot to give me super-strength and telepathy.

I used to feel like I could "just know", but the amount of times I've been wrong has proved that I have no idea lol.

He's just been lucky that his affection wasn't unrequited... or he's fooling himself.

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