friends then lovers then he shut down completely

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Why can't he just be your friend for now? As hard as it may be, do not give in to his demands. Say you need time with him as a friend first before you know for sure.

That will test if he loves you or not, because if he loves you or even knows what it is he will wait much longer and prove you and him really are a work in progress.

i am even more ready and willing to try again than he is. the issue is this: he knows i'm 100% devoted but i think he's only 10% or 20% devoted .... and he'll never be more than 20% involved due to his aspie-ness and unwillingness to commit oveall. sucks. i know he won't date anyone else or cheat on me (i'm the only woman he's ever been close to) but i also know that he disappears for days or weeks into video games and wikipedia and other obligations where i'm completely ignored. texts get ignored, emails...well, forget emails. doesn't return phone calls, etc...
but he it seems he wants me as a pseudo lover/friend/playmate and i have expectations he isn't willing to stretch emotionally/pragmatically to meet. i know him really well. he will just give up at the first sign of "labeling," conflict or neediness. sucks.

(updated/edited 21 july)

i don't want to be rejectful and say NO even though he completely rejected me in the past. not sure if he's just using me or if this is part of his maturing. i do care very deeply for him and have for the last 3-1/2 years. just scared. i know it will end badly but for now, it seems like he needs some love/attention/affection/sex, etc... and i'm his only 'source' of any of it. i have also deeply loved him (and hated him, lol) since the day we met 3-1/2 years ago and i am attracted to him more than any guy i've ever known. i mean, i really L-O-V-E this dude. sucks.

This whole thread reminds me of something. I got some cleaning to do. And I should make some dinner.

The NT mind sometimes baffles me. Especially when it comes to love. Now the Aspie mind and love: I am still trying to figure that one out for myself, and I am 26 years old.
I have read the whole story you have. I am starting to see some things where this guy can relate to me. I think it is best for that guy to stay with a strict support system. When he is out on his own, he seems lost. I think you will eventually find someone better than him, even if it takes you 3-4 more years. I think he will eventually slip up again when he moves out on his own again.

i don't know if he will ever move out on his own again. he definitely needs structure and boundaries and i'm the last person he will accept them from. so for now, we are just hanging out once a week or once every ten days (that's about his limit right now) and doing daytime outings and we've planned a sleepover for tonight. should be easy, we did it years ago for six months and it was lovely.
i'm just so insecure cuz he changes his mind like i change my clothes- that katy perry song "hot n cold" is my ringtone for him. over the years i've known him, he makes these big commitments then doesn't follow thru and says "i wanted to want to but didn't really want to." and he could easily do this to me even though right now, while we're in our honeymoon stage again, he really does think he wants to this week/this month but he could easily roll his random number generator in his brain and lose interest as quickly as he regained it.

Let him go, he is not worth it to be honest, even if he has aspergers that does not mean he has the right to be an a**hole.

i'm not ready to let him go. i can't imagine even wanting to let him go.
we just got back to what feels normal/right after 2 years. it's great for now. he spent the night and was amazingly affectionate and attentive and just sweeter and more affectionate than in my wildest dreams. it's like a miracle just shifted him into the perfect lover for me after all these years of drama and truly, i've been waiting for this for years. yesterday was a good day. we have plans to meet a week from now and it will be torture for me waiting. i've been in long term relationships before and have lived with men in the past but this guy is only willing to talk to me once a week or so between visits. NT guys make much more frequent contact and due to our history, i'm hella insecure and need reassurance. it feels so impossible cuz the more i ask/beg for reassurance, the more annoyed he gets.
no win-win.
i would wear his ring, i would, but he would NEVER give me a physical symbol or even verbal confirmation that he's committed. he just can't/won't for reasons i don't understand even after all these years.
i'm so into him, it's beyond reasonable. i'm like enchanted and it's just so ridiculous knowing he's never gonna give me the kind of devotion i have for him.

he was also using my computer last night and clicked onto wp and directly onto this love and dating forum so , if you're reading this, dude, well, here is the uber-condensed version of what it was like for me.

I also re-read your whole story up to here. Something is really bothering me. I'm an Aspie too, and if I were in a relationship with someone, I'd feel terrible to separated for long periods of time. You say he gives himself 10 days reprieve from you, and I have to ask: Why? Is he THAT afraid of being labeled to the point he won't even spend MORE of his time with you? I'm getting very bad feelings about this guy; he uses his AS almost as a reason to keep you reeled in just far enough so he can be romantic when HE wants to. What if YOU want to? You saying he'll say "no" if you want spend time with him outside his comfort zone? This guy sounds just very devious in the way he goes in and out of his label. I personally wouldn't have gone back in with this guy if I were you, his indecisiveness and seemingly devious use of his label is making me angry inside. My personal opinion.

Seems to me he got what he wanted...

in his defense, he's busy. he has school several days a week (including summer school), routine family obligations, routine obligations with the host family he lives with, spends lots of time on his intellectual interests, and also needs down time. i imagine we'll hang out once a week on the weekends. we have lived together in the past twice. he definitely needs the downtime. i'd love to be with someone who wanted to be romantic TWICE a week or THREE TIMES a week but that's not him. i want him to be successful in school. if school is keeping him away from our romance, that's fine. school's more important to his lifelong future than i am. i accept that.

in terms of lying, he grew up with one uber-psycho parent so that skill was likely developed for self-preservation.

in terms of "he got what he wanted"....well, yeh, he did. AND SO DID I. i hope it lasts, unlikely though. i need more of a full time thing.

what is with the resistance to "labeling?" he says boyfriend/girlfriend is so cliche.

"If he also says that using "boyfriend/girlfriend" labels is "cliche", that's a big red flag that says he doesn't realize the importance of your relationship together. If he's willing to have sex with you, but not willing to be a true boyfriend/true girlfriend relationship, then that's a problem because you want it to be more than that. He doesn't seem to want to you in terms of a girlfriend. You two should probably talk this over more thoroughly. Personally, this is not a situation I would allow to happen in any relationship of mine."

I agree with this. He also said he thinks jealousy is ret*d and unrealistic and that he won't date any other women but I can date whoever I want as long as I still spend quality time with him. He says he doesn't believe in ownership or seeing another person as property, therefore, logically, a person is free to do with their heart/soul/body whatever they choose as long as the other person does not get neglected. Of course, this is all hypothetical in his mind because I'm the only lover he has ever had- I'm his first hand hold, first back rub, first kiss, first sex, first love, first break up, first get-back-together, etc... so he has no idea if he would feel a twinge or tidal wave of jealousy if some hypothetical girlfriend wanted to see another guy besides him. It's pretty frustrating. I do know him really well after almost 4 years now of being friends. We've had so many ups and downs. But a few days ago, he said "it's kinda like we are one" and I said ..."yes, and I'm your girlfriend" and he just couldn't connect those two statements.

He seems to me to be a guy who dates women until he gets them into bed and then simply leaves them and forgets them.