People who take too long to reply

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She never replied that day. Or today for that matter.

I finally send another message:
"Why do you take so long to reply to my messages... I'm not really interested anymore."

I think you were just being too inpatient



I assume she didn't reply for two days, maybe she just got busy with life?





You've guaranteed of ruining the whole thing, remaining silent would be far better than replying like this.

SHE DIDNT GET BUSY WITH LIFE
SHE WAS ONLINE
BLOGGING
I CAN SEE HER
AND HER IGNORING ME

well I agree with leviathan and the rest of you are all wrong because she DID lie to me, and I DID want to go on a date with her and BECAUSE we were making PLANS and she IGNORED me DELIBERATELY you can SEE how that would PISS someone off.

well I agree with leviathan and the rest of you are all wrong because she DID lie to me, and I DID want to go on a date with her and BECAUSE we were making PLANS and she IGNORED me DELIBERATELY you can SEE how that would PISS someone off.

You guys seem to fail hard at realizing a lot of my strong main talking points.

Especially this one:
"I'm very sincere about going for a coffee with you."

Obviously it's a blatant lie.

I should be on the top of the priorities list when she's online on her blog. We're trying to set up a date here in a timely fashion. I can obviously see her doing things when she's online. And I don't mean for five, ten minutes whatever. I mean she's consistently logging back on and deliberately ignoring me. Which means she's going out of her way to find pictures to blog - rather than just answer my message so we can set this up. And YES she's very unclear. Which had forced me to probe her for information.

Have you ever met her in person? if not then there is really no reason you should be on top of her priorities list, rushing people to go out with you usually makes them uncomfortable.....just saying.

And guys:
I KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED. OBVIOUSLY IT WAS A DATE. I'M NOT THAT OBVLIVIOUS. YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT SMART GUYS.

And this is her blog
[link removed by moderator as this thread is about the blogger]

All she does is blog about sex. And then she doesn't even treat me like she wants me. She pretends. It's so f***ing annoying it's unreal

THING IS:
I didn't even know what she looks like! I was giving her the time of day before I even knew if i wanted to go on the date!

Your responses to her put her on the spot, that's why she didn't answer until prodded. You're asking her directly why she wants to go out for coffe with you. If it's because she might be interested romantically in you, she would never outright say that because it puts her at risk for rejection. She probably assumes when you ask her such direct questions about her motivations that you're trying to make it hard for her, cause she assumes you know you're forcing her to either make up a lie or tell the truth and potentially be humiliated.

So: in the future, if you want people to respond, you have to be less blunt and more gentle... basically if you give them several options to respond without feeling they're forced to make an uncomfortable choice in how to respond, it'll be much easier for them to answer.

Here is how she was probably hoping the conversation would go (please excuse the teen soap-operalike dialogue, it's a rough sketch):

"Hi there, do you happen to know where this cafe is?"
"Yeah! I love their croissants! I really recommend it, I think you'd enjoy it if you want a relaxed place to read a book or hang out or whatever. I go there all the time."
"Oh cool! Yeah, I am not that into the coffee scene here and I thought you might have some tips on that, seeing as you work from a laptop and all. If I was a blogger I'd probably be trying out different coffee shops all the time anyway. So much better than a cubicle. How'd you get into blogging by the way? You're such an interesting writer!"

"Oh, I'm just really into the topic and I thought why not try to make a go of it and apparently I'm not too bad at it! <---[note: sorry I'm feeding you and girl who write to you some very off-topic/cheesy lines but I'm trying to imagine how a successful conversation realistically might go.] Hey, I'm actually there most weekdays at lunch, you should definitely let me know if you end up checking out the place so I can say hi to you. I'm usually just sitting in the corner crouched over my laptop. You've gotta try their Macchiato Whatever, I'm pretty much addicted to it."
"Haha cool I struck gold and found the prince of That Coffee Shop on the Corner! I definitely will check it out soon, I've been looking for a good coffee place to go on my lunch break lately and it's pretty convenient to my office and sounds way better than the one I've been going to. I'd love to meet you, I think your blog is so amazing, you might have noticed I'm constantly reblogging stuff from you haha, I was a Whatever major and your blog's like a textbook that's actually pleasurable to read! I don't have any meetings tomorrow or Thursday, I'll definitely have to stop in and I'll look for the smart-looking guy in the corner with a laptop."

"Awesome! Yeah you can count on me to be there, I think some people think I live there. Resident nerd. I like your title much better though. Yeah, stop by and we can chat over coffee, it's always wonderful to have a break from staring at the screen and it would be really neat to talk to someone who knows all about The Topic I Blog About. See you then. "

"Cool. See you then! "

---

Obviously this dialogue is bland and disgustingly full of cools and awesomes that I don't imagine you use much of and extremely subtexty but she was probably expecting something like it, that on the surface at least lets her pretend it could be completely platonic interest to save face whereas the way you did it allowed for none of that. The whole conversation on her end could be reduced to "I'm romantically interested in you, will you meet me for a coffee date?" But she has to break the question into about four parts that let you show or not show interest at each stage. It also kind of relies on the girl opens-door-for-boy-to-suggest date formula which doesn't work unless both parties are willing and able to conform to their stereotypical roles at least in the beginning.

NT women need to feel safe in as large a world as possible. Share with them a large, exciting, safe world and you get the girl. That may sound [something... reductionist? sexist?] but it holds true from my perspective. From an NT perspective you would focus on the more ground-level details of courtship.

This girl has not lied to anyone and she is not a b***h. Steady on, you are scaring me!

I'm an NT woman, maybe she is and so this might help......

She changed her mind cos she sensed you were too keen, too needy.

She comes across a nice looking guy. You write interesting stuff in a blog. Thats a hook. As an Aspie you are most likely smart and independent thinking - very attractive to smart NT women. You look nice mate, you are handsome SO she interested - that was sincere FFS????? How can it be anything else?

But you should have let her come back in her own time. Instead you rang alarm bells by going back too needy.
The fact you now think she's a b***h now, actually proves that her antennae were right. Sorry but your reaction is over the top. You are just frustrated, its not your fault, but I'm sure if you relaxed you'd have girls crawling all over your handsome stripey self.

Look, anything could have been happening to her in the time you waited. It really wasn't a long time (couple of days).
She is not a b***h, a liar or insincere. In the short time you waited, she was living her life. She may have been mulling over a prospective date with an interesting and handsome man. Stuff was going though her head. She was working it through - and might have come back raring to go! Lets imagine some thing she might have been mulling on:

- "I just got left by my boyfriend. Am I really ready for another date? Perhaps I only liked him cos he looked like Jimmy"
- "I'll show my mate his blog and see what they think. I'm so f***ing useless at picking men myself"
- "um, he had a lot of questions, what should I say back to him?"
- "he seemed very keen and pressing me, not too sure now. I have a small doubt, did he seem a wee bit needy like that guy that ended up tatoo-ing my name on his face after a week?"

Or, perhaps most of her mind was on christmas problems/family illness/personal illness/shyness/fear of getting back on a horse after a big fall...........blah blah blah. f**k knows (and now you will never know either cos you wont have the chance to ask her at a later day why she was so slow (if 2 days is slow which I don't accept).

Please relax next time. Aspies are the worst people in the world to criticise people for being too slow. All the aspie people I know have f***ing awful sense of time. Maybe she is an Aspie with an awful sense of time?

I can come up with hundreds more explanations that don't make her a b***h or a liar or insincere. The idea that you now think she a b***h comes from the neediness she sensed. Her antennae were right. The idea that someone thinks she is a liar is just pants. Relax next time and get the girl.

"Why do you take so long to reply to my messages... I'm not really interested anymore."
That totally says you were still interested. Nail in coffin .

You do not lose interest. You have too much. Relax. Want it less. You look lovely, if you are lovely too you deserve a nice girl. If you can't relax then you are going to have to make friends of girls first and let them fall for you slowly, they will see all your strengths and fall for them and wont care about any neediness, if fact they will like that too, once the strengths are apparent cos they know you.

"heck, no. if this were true then every man who treated an NT woman that way would be successful with her"

Treated her what way? I didn't specify a way. I've managed to abstract to general principles. Big safe world. True every time. For crazy people lies are safe, and for them you could flatter them or give them drugs. For beautiful women you have to be stronger than people trying to control them and show them a bigger world than the local alpha male (autistics can do the big world part easily; beating the alpha male takes some learning).

purchase's script is great but you don't get to use scripts, so I would always shortcut ("Cool. Meet at 5?") in that situation until the girl is emotionally invested and will give me time for expansive banter.

If you're god of a particular reality, you don't need to dominate anyone. That's the point. You have the freedom to be whoever she needs you to be.

Also, the way to build a big safe world is by becoming whoever she needs you to be (needs, not wants). So it's a self-sustaining process.