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20 and still no boyfriend. What is the problem?

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Stalk
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25 Sep 2012, 6:31 pm

To the OP, so you think your anxiety is the big elephant in the room?



hyperlexian
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25 Sep 2012, 8:48 pm

Cafeaulait wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
i don't like being approached, and i don't tend to respond well to people who approach me in real life. i feel panicky and want to escape. plus i send the wrong signals because of messed up body language. i seem to give a green light to people i am not particularly interested in, and a red light to people i am attracted to.

so... i approach men (or in rare cases it's mutual). life is just too short to get caught up in waiting for anything in particular to happen to me. if i want something to happen, i work at making it happen. rejection often follows, but that's to be expected. this gives me some control over events in my life, and i would not trade this position.


interesting. And are you aware of why you send the wrong signals? So.. what do you do that you give a green light to the wrong people and a red light to the right people?
Pretty cool/brave that you approach men yourself. How do you do that?

yeah, i know why. when i am attracted to someone, i get quiet, i can't face them directly and i avoid eye contact. but if i am not attracted, i am gregarious, outgoing, talkative, touchy-feely.

i get to know someone, then i tell them straight up if i find them attractive. usually, i do it in stages, first saying i enjoy their company. then the next time around i hint that i like them even more, then i outright say it how i feel if it seems right. i get the signals wrong a lot, but a person's non-response doesn't reflect on me as a person. i am still me, and i walk away intact. sometimes we'll still be friends, and sometimes it is too awkward.


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26 Sep 2012, 1:31 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.



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26 Sep 2012, 3:16 am

BlueMax wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
OK, let's suppose that I am super duper ugly. Like... hideous. What should I do now? I'm waiting for your advice.
Because I still want to have a boyfriend.


Find someone who looks like you. That my sound oversimplistic but I see it all the time, especially with fellow men. They're dumpy and/or homely and/or overweight but they want some skinny blonde. NOT going to happen - nor would it be a healthy relationship if it did due to imbalance.

Of course, we don't know if you're attractive or not because of your refusal to show it. Once shown, it's purely subjective - people like different things.


Well, if it is subjective, as you say, and different people like different things, how do I 'find someone that looks like me'?



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26 Sep 2012, 3:35 am

Greb wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.


To be honest I've never even considered my height to be a problem. The average male height here is about 1.81, females 1,69. I see lots of 'shorter' women (1,60-1,65) walking down the street here with average or taller (and of course shorter) men everyday. Plus, I wear heals a lot of the time, which gives me some extra inches. Losing some weight might help, I will start excerzing more. I get quit alot of compliments about my hair and the way I dress so I don't really know if I should change that.
And, I do think I'm noticable... Even though I'm not 'tall'.

By the way: you say your friend had a haircut and all that. Would you, if you were 'objective', say she is 'physically attractive' now that she had all that done? just a question from curiosit...



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26 Sep 2012, 3:44 am

Stalk wrote:
To the OP, so you think your anxiety is the big elephant in the room?


Well, there is something 'awkward' about me I think. And I guess people notice it from the minute a make contact. I think that's it. But maybe that's an aspie-typical thing...

by the way I don't know if I have aspergers or that i'm just really really socially anxious/withdrawn. haven't been diagnosed or anything. but there is something wrong either way



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26 Sep 2012, 3:50 am

hyperlexian wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
i don't like being approached, and i don't tend to respond well to people who approach me in real life. i feel panicky and want to escape. plus i send the wrong signals because of messed up body language. i seem to give a green light to people i am not particularly interested in, and a red light to people i am attracted to.

so... i approach men (or in rare cases it's mutual). life is just too short to get caught up in waiting for anything in particular to happen to me. if i want something to happen, i work at making it happen. rejection often follows, but that's to be expected. this gives me some control over events in my life, and i would not trade this position.


interesting. And are you aware of why you send the wrong signals? So.. what do you do that you give a green light to the wrong people and a red light to the right people?
Pretty cool/brave that you approach men yourself. How do you do that?

yeah, i know why. when i am attracted to someone, i get quiet, i can't face them directly and i avoid eye contact. but if i am not attracted, i am gregarious, outgoing, talkative, touchy-feely.

i get to know someone, then i tell them straight up if i find them attractive. usually, i do it in stages, first saying i enjoy their company. then the next time around i hint that i like them even more, then i outright say it how i feel if it seems right. i get the signals wrong a lot, but a person's non-response doesn't reflect on me as a person. i am still me, and i walk away intact. sometimes we'll still be friends, and sometimes it is too awkward.


okay, so basically you feel more relaxed/at ease with people you don't find attractive because you don't feel the need to impress them? Is that right? :)
and it seems to me that you are very confident because you say ' a person's non-response doesn't reflect on me. i walk away intact'. that's cool.



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26 Sep 2012, 4:01 am

Do you think that Beyonce is an 8 without make up? My apologies for probably going to come off as ignorant imbecile here, but do you think your ethnic also plays a role in your society? Like someone has mentioned that people in general go for somebody that is similar to their appearance, but if your ethnic is different to the majority around you (I'm guessing here). Do you think that does not play a role + your social awkwardness?

I think Beyonce is attractive on tv shows, where she gets to wear all the make-up and clothes, but without it, she is pretty much bland/ordinary nothing special.

I also get into the fear/flight mode when I'm trying to ask someone out. I'm in the same boat as you.



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26 Sep 2012, 5:18 am

Greb wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.



lol your stories are weird.

Do you know how much is my height? I am 1.63 and I am male.

In fact, I have never heard a girl can't find a date because of her 1.62 cm height. C'mon. Short height is usually a male problem.

Women usually care MUCH more about the man's height than the other way around.



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26 Sep 2012, 6:21 am

Stalk wrote:
Do you think that Beyonce is an 8 without make up? My apologies for probably going to come off as ignorant imbecile here, but do you think your ethnic also plays a role in your society? Like someone has mentioned that people in general go for somebody that is similar to their appearance, but if your ethnic is different to the majority around you (I'm guessing here). Do you think that does not play a role + your social awkwardness?

I think Beyonce is attractive on tv shows, where she gets to wear all the make-up and clothes, but without it, she is pretty much bland/ordinary nothing special.

I also get into the fear/flight mode when I'm trying to ask someone out. I'm in the same boat as you.


I dont know if Beyonce is a 10 without make up. I dont know if Christina Hendriks is a 10 without make up. Or Megan Fox. (they're probably not, because that goes for basically all celebs out there). But what does that matter to this? I was looking for bodyshapes to kind of compare to. My boobs are actually bigger than Beyonces so maybe shes not the right person to compare too. i'm probably more like christina hendriks proportion wise.

and about the ehtnicity. ehm.. don't really know. people have told me that i look 'exotic' or 'different' because i have light brown hair, green eyes and a little bit of freckles, which seems to be a strange combination. but i don't really see how that plays a role. there are plenty of different population groups here.



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26 Sep 2012, 6:34 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
Greb wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.


To be honest I've never even considered my height to be a problem. The average male height here is about 1.81, females 1,69. I see lots of 'shorter' women (1,60-1,65) walking down the street here with average or taller (and of course shorter) men everyday. Plus, I wear heals a lot of the time, which gives me some extra inches. Losing some weight might help, I will start excerzing more. I get quit alot of compliments about my hair and the way I dress so I don't really know if I should change that.
And, I do think I'm noticable... Even though I'm not 'tall'.

By the way: you say your friend had a haircut and all that. Would you, if you were 'objective', say she is 'physically attractive' now that she had all that done? just a question from curiosit...


Look, physical attractiveness is NOT totally subjects, we're all apes after all.

Beauty science shows that beauty is NOT in the eye of the beholder.

Otherwise why some celebs are seen universally attractive while others are not? Think about it.



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26 Sep 2012, 6:52 am

Greb wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.


It depends of the country, here where I live, "petite" women are considered top-noch, women whose height is 1.55-1.60 and have a cute face always have suitors.

If you are 1.70 or more you are not that noticeable.


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26 Sep 2012, 7:03 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Greb wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.



lol your stories are weird.

Do you know how much is my height? I am 1.63 and I am male.

In fact, I have never heard a girl can't find a date because of her 1.62 cm height. C'mon. Short height is usually a male problem.

Women usually care MUCH more about the man's height than the other way around.


Generally women want taller men and generally men want shorter women. Both genders care the same.


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26 Sep 2012, 8:54 am

BanjoGirl wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Greb wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.



lol your stories are weird.

Do you know how much is my height? I am 1.63 and I am male.

In fact, I have never heard a girl can't find a date because of her 1.62 cm height. C'mon. Short height is usually a male problem.

Women usually care MUCH more about the man's height than the other way around.


Generally women want taller men and generally men want shorter women. Both genders care the same.


No, generally women want taller men while men generally go for shorter women because they can't convince taller women.

Taller women are desired by a lot of men while shorter men are usually very undesired by women.



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26 Sep 2012, 8:59 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
BanjoGirl wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Greb wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Please, stop playing the smartass, I was not just talking about sex.

i am advising her on how to get bf potentials.


I have a friend, she's in her 30s, that has lost a lot weight last months, renewed her wardrobe and used a new haircut. A couple of weeks ago she was claiming how men keep being uninterested in her.

Of course, when a woman has not an attractive look, this is a lovekiller. But you must be 'under normal' to be considered unanttractive. Her biggest problem here is being short, 1.62 in french part of Belgium, that I'm not sure how tall people are there but in Vlaams or Nederland people are real tall. And this is not gonna change. Of course, a better haircut or better dresses of losing some weight is gonna help, but it won't make miracles.

Men use to pay attention to tall women. When you're a short woman, you have to make yourself noticed, and this means self-confidence, otherwise you risk end up being the tiny shy thing in the corner.



lol your stories are weird.

Do you know how much is my height? I am 1.63 and I am male.

In fact, I have never heard a girl can't find a date because of her 1.62 cm height. C'mon. Short height is usually a male problem.

Women usually care MUCH more about the man's height than the other way around.


Generally women want taller men and generally men want shorter women. Both genders care the same.


No, generally women want taller men while men generally go for shorter women because they can't convince taller women.

Taller women are desired by a lot of men while shorter men are usually very undesired by women.


I'm talking about women that are taller than men. I doubt a lot of men would date a woman taller than them.


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26 Sep 2012, 9:46 am

i have always considered humans as dressed up apes.
i do not dislike apes, but i am not one of them. i am not better or worse i know, i am just not one of them.