Saying "No" To Dates...

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Can't say that was ever the case for me Boo.

I had a tendency to freeze and run away when a guy used to ask me out - these days I have the running away part under control but the panic and shock and freezing is still present.
If they were "of my taste" it only made my reaction 10 times worse than usual.
Either way an extremely uncomfortable process that I wish I could just magically skip somehow.

No.

i think it may help you to start viewing these men as pushy salespeople. if you are able to say no to a deluxe weekend getaway package, you can say no to giving away your phone number. yes, they will have hurt feelings, but salespeople also have to put food on the table and are relying on your lack of resolve to make a sale if you are uncertain of yourself.

either you harden up, or you end up in awkward situations that are hard to get out of (i.e. a wishy washy "no" that sounds like a convertible "maybe", or having to fend off random texts from someone you were never interested in). if you value yourself and think your own time is worthwhile, you will not encourage this sort of behaviour in other people.

i would give different advice in the case of this being a friend or even someone you were having a friendly conversation with. but since these are random strangers approaching, i would advise the rejection to be firmer as you don't have a friendship or acquaintanceship that you want to preserve.

if you want to make the message clear, you need to be unemotional and firm. using words like "sorry" or any flowery language mean that you feel bad that you don't want to go on a date, and predatorial types of people prey on the ones that feel bad. it opens the door for them to cajole you or start to get pushy. ("ohhhhh i'mmmm sorrryyyyy i just don't reallyyyyy".... leads to... "just give me a chance, once you get to know me you'll think i'm great." <-- then you have to keep on rejecting them over and over and it can get harder each time.)

instead, use words like, "no, i am not interested." if they try to ask questions about why, you do not entertain that subject. they do not know anything about you except how you look and which section of the bookstore you are heading towards. you just shake your head and firmly repeat yourself. if you are comfortable doing so, give eye contact for more impact. you can also start walking away. you have to be the person who is in control of the situation.

you should have NO smile, as this gives a mixed signal. a smile can be viewed as a warm social invitation to keep talking, it is not a signal of rejection to a random person that just walked up to you. a smile says "come hither", when the words are saying otherwise. this is especially important if you are getting approached a lot, because you are either very attractive, or it is possible you might unintentionally be giving off body language that might signal you want to be approached. you have to counter that by purposefully changing your body language or facial expressions when rejecting someone.

it is very good to be polite of course (you will notice my advice is not rude), but i do not think that any heroic efforts should be made to make the person feel a lot better about the situation, because it leaves you open to manipulation (if you are a particularly kind person to begin with, it just sets you up for a bad situation).

cold approaches have a very high failure rate for a good reason: a significant number of people do not want to be approached romantically by strangers in public. bars might be slightly better environments for approaches like that, because people at least expect it. but if you do not want to be asked out on dates at the bookstore, you can take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your discomfort. remember that most people would not give out their phone number in your situation, so you are not being mean or difficult compared to the norm.

I know the guy on OK Cupid probably wasn't an Aspie, and the question is rhetorical.

HOWEVER, you're on a site for Asperger's and you're asking Aspie men why they can't take a hint? Seriously?

I don't understand what you mean about preferring indirect communication like cultures other than your own. In my experience, indirect communication isn't cultural, it's the NT standard. Indirect communication is something most people on sites like this struggle with. It's one of the biggest problems we have in dealing with "normal" people.

From what you've described, you sound like most NTs who get frustrated when Aspies don't "pick up on the hint," regardless of the situation.

Or did I miss something?

There's just something weird about walking up to a girl and saying nothing other than an invite to coffee. Something clumsy, something....missing. Couldn't the guy at least shoot a few coy glances first then try and start a conversation about the weather?

PUA advises males to try to stablish some sort of rapport in any way before trying to ask for a date/number/ going into the next step (from a joke, to a situational opener to anything that may come to mind at the time and you feel comfortable talking about)

(Just felt like pointing out PUA isnt all evil and it does have some good parts if you are willing to look through some things that are extremely close to manipulation)

oh yeah I forgot, I can just go buy a date at the regular old shop, because that is the place where you get them right?

people go to church, to meetings to all sorts of activities to meet new people, the so called acceptable way. yet the one she goes out with, is the one that was direct in approaching her the first time.

I think the key is learning to reconcile these two points. We often have learned that we need to say "I'm sorry" when saying no to someone in a polite, respectful manner. But that isn't necessarily true. You can be polite and respectful while still being 100% firm in your position.

Look, by turning them down you're going to hurt their feelings no matter what. But that is the risk they know they are taking by asking a girl out. You should not shoulder ANY of the emotional burden for the situation THEY created. There is no reason that you need to feel sorry. You didn't ask them to come up to you. The most important thing you should work on is becoming confident in your position. If you are entirely confident, they won't be able to manipulate you in any way. Also, you will always be able to turn them down respectfully and firmly without needing to resort to rude or antagonizing comments in order to adequately communicate your unavailability.

I used to lie and say I have a girlfriend, but now I just say no. they will sometimes ask if I have a girlfriend and I say no, I have friends?
what ever you have to do to stay comfortable, do it. If they have the nerve.....hopefully they can take it?

yeah, that's exactly it. you can't really worry about his feelings like that because he's already taking the risk. it's more important to be confident and communicate clearly.

I just meant that she can decide for herself if she wants to go on a date. Certainly any woman worth her salt doesn't need to be formally convinced (or tricked). Asking is one thing. Pleading is quite another. She doesn't have to say yes.

Well to put it more clearly to you nessa, men are taught to be polite to women as well, it isn't just women who suffer the having to be be nice curse. Other than that you are correct, if a women said "No." or "No, but thank you." or "No, leave me alone." it wouldn't matter to me. On the other hand I did repeatedly ask a woman if she was thirsty without realizing it, mostly because I had just ran more than 3 miles non stop, which isn't the best thing to do on spring break, if she told me to shut up, it probably would have ended better and saved me from looking like an crazy a***hole. But society? I've already heard this one before, and it always ends in the people who don't fit stereotypes being reported, and the people who say stereotypes are a problem doing the reporting. It isn't worth bringing all of society into anything, my house is too small.

I would like to strongly encourage both men and women to say "no" to dates instead of "yes" when you don't really mean it.