Turned 31 without a girlfriend. Is it time to give up?

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Well them, junior, I invite you to NYC to try out your negging on us.

I graduated in 2007 so I have been out of high school for 12 years now myself but if year 13 passes and I am still the same, it will only reinforce the worst of my feelings. I will say that I am not a virgin.



I still suffer from approach anxiety. You could say I am “love shy” which is different than being incel.

The percentage of people who are actually "Incel"----both on WrongPlanet and in "real life"-- is infinitesimal.

You will have to put in a ton of work to make a romantic life work for yourself. It will be a lot more work and a lot harder than you think (even if you think it will be really hard).

At the same time, it is 100% possible.

Whether you do or don't is up to you. What kind of person do you want to be, and what are you willing to do to get there?

People should be 100% perpetually giving up on finding a mate.
Living an existence that depends on another person for happiness is a recipe for sadness.
Find happiness in yourself and usually a great partner will appear at some point.
Love is a lot more real when you aren't looking for it.

I actually learned about the late Dr. Brian Gilmartin’s study on “love-shy” men around the time I became clinically depressed. His study was done back in the 80’s and he published his data in a book but the book fell into obscurity except for in Japan. Some years before he died, he said in a correspondence he thinks a good number of the men he interviewed had Aspergers.

Who’s negging? When have I ever made an effort to make a woman doubt something about herself for the purpose of having sex with her? Did I ever say that? I don’t have to make a woman feel insecure.

And why such hostility? I don’t mean just you, but there is a segment of women who are averse to men who know their own worth. My guess is that it’s motivated by envy, and a lot of that is learned from the culture. Collectivists frequently play the victim card. Collectivists achieve their goals by creating enemies and imaginary wars, e.g. war of the sexes, war on women, etc. It seems to me most successful, independent women tend to live above the influence, no different than their supposed male oppressors. Where we live, there is no victim class, and everyone, male or female, is responsible for his own circumstances. The left, however, banks on victims. It’s irrational and delusional. And one can spot a delusional self-hater when he or she displays insecurity through insults and immature behavior.

Insecurity in and of itself is not a bad thing, btw. There are valid reasons to feel insecure. Security is gained when someone consistently demonstrates trustworthiness. In other cultures, particularly in Japan, girlfriends will often demand her bf’s cell phone so they can read through his messages. Every message and phone number is scrutinized. Because they’re insecure? No. Because they want a reason to feel secure. They want to KNOW they can trust the man they love. If you were the bf and your gf didn’t do this, you’d worry if she loved you at all.

On the topic of negging... You might be surprised how often it works. It’s a psychological trick that manipulates people by targeting their insecurities. Using the Japanese cell phone habit, it might work like this: “So your bf is really nice, huh? Cool. [subtle push]I bet you see his phone 3 times a day. And he never deletes anything? [pull]Oh, you don’t obsess over it like most girls? Well, that’s nice...[drop the bomb]he could be cheating on you right NOW and you’d never know, but that’s ok...you TRUST him. You’re a good person. I’d straight up GIVE you my phone and text you every couple of hours, and let you track me where ever and you’d never have to worry. But whatever, he’s a great guy, right?”

Yeah, I’ve used that technique in the past—like, 20 years ago. It’s stupid. But it’s effective. Girls really do fall for it.

But you really don’t have to use that much intellectual power to figure out why doing this is a bad idea. First, it makes extremely low assumptions about the intellect of the target—that she’s stupid enough to fall for it. Why would you even go for a girl like that? Oh, right...sex. I’ve outlined elsewhere the problem of mindless gratification. Who does that say more about, the victim or the manipulator? And what about the mental state of the mark? It’s difficult getting rid of a mentally unstable person once you’ve had sex with him or her. Second, what assurances do you have that YOU’RE not the one getting played? Maybe she’s just looking for a ONS and it’s all just an act. Maybe you’re more serious than she is and you end up getting hurt yourself. Third, “karma.” If that’s all it takes to start a relationship with her, exactly what makes you think that it’s going to be easy to STAY in a relationship with her? What’s stopping her from dumping you and going back to her ex or finding a new guy? That’s always a risk regardless, but negging just INVITES bad things to happen. It makes no logical sense to do it.

And if I figured out I was dealing with a woman who WOULD fall for it, I probably wouldn’t date her for long. I think there are plenty women who are smarter and more valuable than that who would recognize these tricks right away. The only lasting success I had with negging was with a woman whose bf actually was abusing her. It wasn’t something I’d planned. We were just talking one night when she opened up to me about this guy. All I said was “I had no idea you were that unhappy.” We started dating a few short weeks later after she dumped him and had him arrested.

Yknow...I’d love to take up your NYC challenge. Unlike Marknis, though, I really am too old to start dating again. That part of my life is way behind me. That’s not to say Marknis couldn’t be 41 years old like me and still date. I’m just saying I’m no longer in that season of life and dating has long served its purpose. I have no interest or reason in doing it again. But I do believe my experience is valuable and that someone out there might find it encouraging. Negging is a poor practice primarily because it assumes the worst of people. I have a higher opinion of women than that, plus enough years behind me to know better than to resort to stupid tricks. I wouldn’t ask “how much boyfriend do you really have?” thinking she’ll fall into bed with me. I’d ask because I genuinely want to know where I stand, and “I have a boyfriend” by itself doesn’t adequately show the big picture. I wouldn’t accuse a woman of acting stupid unless she actually was acting unintelligent. But maybe I think if a valuable person is putting on an act, I’m interested in what’s wrong that causes a sweet person to act that way. I care about her. So how about we drop the act and you tell me what’s really going on? I may not be able to help, but the least I can do is listen and validate.

Which leads me back to my earlier question: Why so hostile? I’ve found that often stems either from a negative culture or from bad personal experience. I’m curious which it is, or if it’s something else.

I've never heard the term "negging." What is it?

Is that like "negative nagging"?

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Negging

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging

womens' typical reactions:
https://www.lipstickalley.com/threads/h ... g.1934728/

Last edited by red_doghubb on 29 Aug 2019, 12:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thanks.

"Negging," in that sense, is a ridiculous practice.

Please take the discussion on negging elsewhere.

^ Do as he says

^ Do as both he and he says.

^ And if you don't do as XFG says - pick a window ( you'll be leaving through it )

If I were in your shoes I would see myself as the success and that they all failed.
Each kid is a $250,000 waste of money, a life of stress and disappointment and a ton of work.
Who needs that? We have way too many humans already and if you really care about the environment you would know that procreating is the WORST thing for it.
Have you seen how fast parents hair turn grey? How the money earner in the family comes home exhausted every day, unable to talk, barely able to smile. You can see the life sucked right out of them.
Take your freedom and get really good at something you enjoy.
Most likely doing that will attract people to you and you may end up with someone you really love as opposed to just trying to fill a void.

Whenever I feel down about getting into middle age here, I look back to when I was young and still wrestling with the love dragon. I am so glad I'm over that stuff!