My hallucinations and torment

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While strength has its obvious benefits, there are other qualities that make men desirable. Intelligence, generosity, and even the fleet of a smaller body can be seen as desirable traits.

I am not the strongest man in the world. Actually, I'm quite thin, and some girls (some, not all) could find this unattractive. What bothers me is hearing auditory hallucinations nearly every day, many of them sounding like women, that scream relentlessly, "I hate you, Charlie Brown! You're a freeeeeak! You're a psychopaaaath! The Asssperger's Syndrome!" I feel this painful twisting in my heart that sometimes causes me to retch and I've had nightmares of being rejected by women. Just recently, I had a nightmare where this scowling man's voice crept in with me at my childhood house. It felt so awful.

If severe depression were measured by the 8' deep end, I feel like I'm at the bottom of a lake.

How do you women feel about this? I know some people are able to be happy without a boyfriend or girlfriend. It shouldn't be that hard, especially if few people want to be with you anyway. Why contradict their motives, right? But this is unbearable. I can't tell who hates the character Charlie Brown or why. You don't want me to feel all this pain, do you?

Of course, any answer you give could be a lie. Until someone comes along and proves it, I'll always be stuck wondering whether or not you're lying.

I don't want to write everything I'm thinking here, because I don't need to go around acting like some analist/phsyciatrist now. (I do like trying to figure people out though.) As far as dateing goes, Charlie Brown's personality prophile as we know him, seems similar to some Aspie males. Not saying you guys are that way, it just likely seems so to some people.

XD Not trying to be a #$%, just saying what I think in this regard. Lieing and wanting you to feel isolated? No.

~please forgive the next line, as you didn't ask this part?~ I thinks one part of you accepted a rejectors words as true, but unwillingly and without choosing to. And another half is conflicting this by choosing to disbelieve that. ...

In some of these auditory hallucinations, the Aaaa of Aaaasperger's Syndrome sounds really immature.

Are these hallucinations, or are these thoughts and feelings that come from within? It could be that a perceived negative (inner) feeling about yourself, is finding it's way to you in another form. Just a thought...

I'm sort of confused. Are you experiencing negative self-talk, or actual hallucinations? If it's hallucinations, you might want to talk to a doctor about that. Because it could be schizophrenia.
If it's just negative self-talk, you might still want to talk to a doctor. It sounds like you're in the middle of a depressive episode. The good news is that none of the things you're experiencing are real. They're delusions caused either by insecurity or- more likely- a mental illness. That may not sound terribly reassuring, but it means you're definitely not a freak. You have a medical condition that can be treated and improve over time.

greensmith is right. hallucinations are Not to be taken lightly, and could be very serious signs of something wrong w your head, besides aspergers... such as schizophrenia, is the first that comes to mind.

if the sounds are REAL and audible, you should really see a doctor.

I too recommend seeing a doctor.

I was about to give my opinion about this but I had read these lines:

To those who recommend that I see a doctor:

Doctors today are trying to use what we call dopamine blockers to 'fix' schizophrenia. They work by reducing the function of the 'pleasure chemical' dopamine, which results in your feeling less pleasure. They also sedate you, subdue you, unmotivate you, cause you to gain weight, and in the long term can even cause permanent bodily and facial tics (Tardive Dyskinesia).

Not only are there serious risks and side effects, but doctors (not to mention police) have been extremely disrespectful to me in the past, making judgments about my character before knowing who I am, and medicating me by force. There are few communities I hate more than psychiatrists.

As for experimentation, I have taken them, with bad results. They do nothing for my hallucinations and cause me to feel more depressed.

Just thought I'd let you know that about the psychiatric industry. If you want to read more about what they did to me, you can read my essay, Expected Reward and Psychosis. I've tried to make it obvious how ridiculous their reports can be. I'm also considering joining the antipsychiatry movement.

My main concern here is that I don't want the women who took care of me to end up taking delight in my suffering. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but at this moment I feel like I might need women to like me (though I've been thinking a great deal about what could possibly cause these particular hallucinations, and what to do about it).

I could be wrong, but it might be that what I need to see is a woman, not a doctor.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, and being tormented the way you are.

Try some anti-depressants? Find a way to increase your confidence, and go find yourself some lady friends. No matter what, you will have to be the one to take the first step towards your own happiness. If it's just a woman that you need, then go get yourself a woman!

I never understood why men are supposed to make the first move. Wouldn't it make more sense if both genders dropped signals to each other before dating? How do I know other people don't want to see me screw up?

Oh, well. All that really matters is that I not feel all this pain. Kind of aggravating how I have to keep talking about it. Ugh... leave me alone... voices...