My Girlfriend Cuts Herself

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I don't always know what to do when she tells me that she sliced up her wrists.

I know it sounds scarey, but this sounds like the typical cry for help. If it was an all out suicide attempt, she'd have done it already. Instead she told you because she thinks there's something you can do to improve her situation. You have the options, inform a professional and let them deal with it, or try to figure this stuff out on your own.

Just keep a basic psychological technique in mind, positive reenforcement. If you reward the behavior by solving her problems for her, she might decide to cut herself again when something starts bothering her. It might not happen with her, but it happens often enough for me to notice.

How 'bout asking her why she did it?

Cutting yourself in that way is not necessarily a suicide attempt but she needs treatment none the less. I have never done it but from what I understand it's a way of relieving anxiety and depression. The physical pain relieves the emotional pain. I knew an older man who was very developmentally delayed. He was raised in an institution after being abandoned by his prostitute mother. He would periodically get very depressed, cut himself and get hospitalized. After that he would be OK (relatively) until the next episode. I understand that you don't know what to do. The best you can do is convince her to get professional help. Tell her she is valuable to you and you want her to be well.

An ex of mine used to do that. Well, she didn't when we were together, but she'd still try to justify it. She asked me once if I feel like punching a wall when I'm angry as if it was the same thing. I wouldn't punch a wall to hurt myself. That's just a physical expression of anger. Cutting yourself is a deeper affliction.

It is surprisingly common. Both of my two friends NT admit that they have done it/do it. Even doctors do it.

It is ok to be concerned about it, just don't lose the plot. There is a distinction to be made between people who cut themselves because they are trying to remove an implant "the government" put inside of them in order to control their mind, and people who cut themselves to relive tension.

I mean I do thing naturally that I wouldn't consider self harm. Like I do martial arts, and take hits, and get minor cuts and scratches.

I take scolding hot showers. Sleep in contorted positions, also with my limbs under my body so the circulation is constricted. This is a way of relieving sensory/fatigue problems.

I also punch my thighs, but it is not necessarily an unhappy thing. I often do it when I’m happy. It is also an extremely robust part of the body (to punch), so I would recommend it to people who are having trouble with self harm.

I mean look at all the BDSM stuff. Is that considered 'self harm'? I think i is ok to be concerned, but the most important thing is if they are a. in imminent danger and b. the psychological effect.

Cutting is common in several psychiatric disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder for instance. It is rarely associated with a suicide attempt, unless the person accidentally hits a major artery.

The major risk of cutting is hitting a tendon or artery in the process. Some people cut on their thighs to minimize such risks (much like the punching mentioned above).

People who cut (I know one) often describe their cutting as a release, or even a pleasurable activity. In one hospital I saw a teenage girl whose forearms were covered with scars from cutting. And I've seen others with only a couple of cuts on their arms or legs, with weeks or months between cuts.

People who cut should be evaluated by a mental health professional, since the behavior is potentially risky and likely a symptom of an underlying disorder.

Cutting: Been there done that.

Reasoning isn't going to help much b/c forms of clinical depression are nothing like someone who's just having a bad day or has nothing better to do.

She's going to need some professional help. I hate to say this, but it isn't something she's going to stop doing no matter how much you say you love her. Professional help is also not going to help unless she is willing to accept it.

All you can do is be there for her whenever she is need of some emotional support. Be open with her and honest. Don't ridicule her but at the same time be adamant and honest about what this is doing to you. People who harm themselves don't realize that not only are they destructive to themselves but to those close to them.

There are several reasons people cut, scratch, burn, and other forms of self mutilation; and very rarely is it for a suicidal reason. Majority of the time the action is a way to AVOID suicidal tendencies. Here is the main categories (for want of a better term) of self mutilators.

Numbed: These people tend to have an overload of disassociating themselves from life and emotion. Disassociation is a natural safety valve for emotional overloads, especially when experiencing abuse. However having to do it too much can make a person very numb inside. A lot of cutters express wanting to feel something, anything, and injure themselves in that pursuit. The pain grounds them back into the world so to speak. A good way to walk someone down from this type of cutting is a safer pain outlet (such as a rubber band on the wrist that they snap when they need the pain jolt). Some even opt for getting piercings professionally done when they need something stronger and just letting it heal closed.

Need for Control: This one is really common if the person in question is being or has been abused for a length of time. The mentality is that by doing the injury yourself you are controlling the abuse ("You don't get to hurt me, I hurt me" sort of thing).

Wanting to Remember: You will find this mostly in cutters who only do so on occasion or in combination with other types. A really good indicator is repeated trauma to the same injury (cutting or ripping it open over and over again). The entire point is the scar, a permanent reminder of whatever is trying to be remembered. Most counselors recommend seeking out other means of documenting the events you want to remember ranging from scrap booking to getting a tattoo or even having a professional scarification artist do the work on you to avoid infections, more serious injury than intended etc...

Release: The action can be a vent so to speak for strong emotions and even actual physical pain. Ever had a big injury, gotten a smaller one and for a short time the smaller one takes all the focus? Afterwards the big injury doesn't seem to hurt as bad, at least for a while. The cutting can seem to let out the pain and leave the person feeling lighter afterwards.

Internal Abusive Relationship: Usually a step up from the Need for Control type of cutter, these people take on all the roles of an abusive relationship. They are the abuser, the abused, and the caretaker who heals the wounds afterwords. They are literally their own cycle of abuse.

MissConstrue is very right. She's not going to stop unless she wants to, and although professional help is the best choice, finding a professional who understands the cutter mentality is very important. There are still many who just lump it in with suicide or basic depression.

Helping her find a new outlet is really important. When I was dealing with this I felt like the people trying to help were trying to take something from me because the pain really did help so much. You need to really understand why she does it. The most immediate danger with self mutilation is an accidental severe injury. Sometimes while in that mind set its easy to not realize how deep you are cutting. Someone who has never cut, it would probably be hard to understand, but it really does feel good. When you get an injury your body releases chemicals to make you feel better while it works on fixing the hurt. This is the main reason why the action becomes so addictive, you really are taking a drug in a way. The most successful treatments are usually the ones that treat it like an addiction.

I've heard of a lot of people that go through this, myself being one of them. I soon realized that it was not a healthy solution to my depression.
I didn't really have anyone to help me through it though, but your girlfriend is lucky. You seem concerned, and just be sure to be there for her and try and encourage her with new ways to deal with whatever it is that is hurting her. And tell her how much you care for her.
Best of luck :)

Focus on the root of the problem, not the cuts. I always hated being told not to cut. I wish I had a teenage friend I could relate to who would've helped me in my cutting days. What I hated was that no one went out of their way for me.

Hi,

Please let me cite a few resources that will help you in this situation.

1) If you are aspie, contact Asperger's Association in Watertown, Massachusetts. They are very friendly and very supportive and they are very welcoming to new members. A person to contact would be

Stephanie Loo, M.Ed.
Director of Teen Services and Editor of the AANE Journal
(617) 393-3824, ext. 307
stephanie.loo@aane.org

If you don't get an answer, call and leave a message.

2) It is very good to have a therapist. Ask the parents to set you up with an appointment with a therapist. Ask the therapist about Dialectical Behavior Therapy - use cold ice to the skin instead of the cutting as well as other techniques and about therapeutic communication. People can encourage the person who cuts herself to express her feelings in words as opposed to actions (such as self cutting).

3) These guidelines are written for families of people who are Borderline, but the insight and instructions apply to any family. It tells families how to deal with a person who self harms. I would recommend printing out the PDF booklet on the page for yourself, your friend, and her family. http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorde ... ines.shtml

4) You can also ask the school nurse and your doctor who does your physicals to refer you to services that can help.

Self mutliation is a very extreme way to express your pain. I would like to think there are better ways to express pain and self hatred.. wrong person to ask. I just about BBQ'd my arms with a 200 degree straightening iron on purpose yesterday because I was bleeding inside.

Ignoring people who send out a cry for help is the absolute WORST thing you can do. Many people have a really uncaring attitude to self harmers, and just because YOU don't express your pain like that, doens't mean that people don't hurt enough inside to do it.

It's not just for attention. Why the HELL would someone inflict pain on themselves for attention? This isn't directed at anyone in particular but I find many peoples attitudes to broken people quite annoying. I guess I need to learn a few things too.

When she says things like this its time to get analytical. Just pause, be like "Ok, so what's that about?". See what she has to say. Odds are she has some problems with the human condition, her orientation to the human condition, she's definitely at odds with something or is fighting some kind of battle internally which yes could be much more neurological than lack of reality but still - there's always a better way of doing battle with the parts of reality that bother you than cutting, self-cutting is something close to the equivalent of what Sun Tzu would look at as actual force-against-force, some failure to take better measures was made along the way and this, cutting, is a last resort rather than being the optimal answer.

Things like this usually don't respond well to knee-jerk emotional judgments or evaluations so be sure to have a well thought and measured/steady alternative for her. If you need some advice on what that would be once your able to find something out from her just PM me - I'll see if I can offer you some words to pass along to her.

In before Emoooo <.< .

• She needs professional help. Self-mutilation is a serious problem.
• You should be supportive of her to help her get through this.