Learning to accept what you cannot have

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I'm not talking about relationships in general, but having specific people. Like, a person may like another person well enough to want a relationship with them, or at least be curious whether a relationship will work. But I've found that I've had to train my brain (successfully I might add) to accept when it's just not going to happen. Whether it's an ability to see the bigger picture, or the realization that fate is working differently than we'd like, I figure that if someone's not interested in me, there's a reason for it. Maybe not a very good reason, but even if it's not really a 'good' reason, the fact that the other person may see it as a good reason means they're not compatible.

And oh god, I can't see myself being in a relationship with a person that is incompatible in any significant way.

I think that's most guy's problem on there. A lot of them are a 2 on the 10 scale, and some are even aware of it, yet they want some perfect girlfriend that's classically sexy and has a perfect personality. Not going to happen.

yeah and this is where 'settling' comes in.

Me, I don't even have anything to 'settle' for.

What they don't realize is a lot of those "level 10" girls they want have level 2 personalities. If they realized this, it might be easier for them to deal.

Exactly. Not only that. "10s" want socially perfect men with no quirks whatsoever.

I used to think I was maybe incapable of having a relationship because of what is expected in them was too much I could handle. So I stopped looking for relatonships. I didn't think a guy would want me and I was better off with an aspie but I wasn't sure if I would want to be with an aspie again. Look what happened with my ex. I knew what I needed was a man who will accept me and not expect much out of me but I thought the chances be very slim. Then I got lucky and met my husband. Even I didn't want a relationship with him and I was depessed because I wanted a relationship but didn't think I could have one and I wanted to have kids but I did not want to be a single mother. So I knew I would have to have a relationship and I hoped there be a right man out there.

But at least I learned why some aspies say they are incapable of having one and why they give up on them. Before, I just thought they were quitters and they needed the right person. But the chances are so slim. I had no idea what relationships were like and what is expected in them.

So my husband accepted me and let me do my routines and I didn't feel any pressure. So I got in a relationship with him.

Yes, I think this is especially hard on us Aspies, because we tend to obsess too much. The general human part of it (meaning both Aspies and NT's) is that we all take rejection (direct, like if the person just isn't interested) or indirect, such as if the person just doesn't notice us) somewhat personally. At the end of the day, know that you are still a good person, no matter what that particular person might think (and maybe they think nothing about you at all), but yeah, it's HARD.

I beg to differ - it's all in the eye of the beholder. A lot of 10's are really 3's when it comes to their real personality or other things about them that you can't see on the surface or know superficially. At the end of the day, a lot of 10's might not even see themselves as such, and a lot of them just want A) a guy who won't cheat B) a guy who is nice to them and C) a guy who can provide. Many of us here fit that bill, and don't even know it.

So buck up!

Whatever you're smoking, please pass it. I choose to live in reality. And I have no problem with it. I care about personality.

Well, what I do smoke is another topic....

But I'm at work now, so no smoking. I've got a nice bit of age under my belt -- Seen some things, been some places, done some women, and have been asked out (you got it right, not the other way around) by folks I consider in the 9-10 range.

Have you ever known any 10s personally, or talked to them? There's not much there, they're just a normal person with an attractive covering. In many cases, they're actually extra insecure, because their whole value in life has been defined by others around them as how they look. Looks don't last forever, and most know this. As they get closer to 30, this becomes very obvious. I personally know a pretty ugly guy, who isn't rich, who married and had kids with a 10, and he had other ethnic factors (he's Asian, she's a beautiful caucasian redhead) working against him as well.

By 9-10, I don't mean what I think is a 9 or 10 or what you think is a 9 or 10, I mean the kind of women that you see in playboy or in victoria's secret or the girl on campus that all the guys want but doesn't know they exist.

Meh. Most of what I've seen in such publications, and seemingly advertised as the example of beauty, is relatively unattractive to me. So your evaluation system is compromised as it doesn't work when used by another person.


M.

What is w/ the 1-10 scale anyways? I mean, wouldn't everyone's opinion of what they are be different? So how can one even determine there number? What's the point? Wouldn't it be easier to accept people for who/what they are )though its unrealistic u guess)?

Of course they will all be different, but looks are such that if you took a huge sample from any subset of people the overall "score" for a given person most likely would be clustered close to a mean with few outliers.

Also, in reference to the OP, "learning to accept what you cannot have" is the best way to succeed with those you believe to be "out of your league" or whatever. Objectively I'd say I'm a "6.5" at best and I've been with girls for long long periods of time who (by the standards of 95% of the population I'm sure) are far beyond that in both looks and personality. You can't "act" like it doesn't matter, but if it truly doesn't matter to you it makes a big difference in how you carry yourself and your odds will improve vastly.

I find if I've been thinking of a girl a lot, and then for some reason I determine that almost certainly nothing is ever going to happen between us (like, say, I get rejected) then I find the easiest way to deal with it is to talk to other women more frequently.

You may have to work on this if you feel that having a relationship is important to you.

I agree .

Well I think that is sort of a sh***y attitude to have....no offense. NT's and other people change their minds just like we do. Its all about how you handle things in my opinion. The reason so many people get divorces..in my humble 16 year old opinion.....is because they "settle" on something because they figure they should be happy with what they have or they are not good enough for what they want.

Now I can understand if your not one of the better looking people but I guarantee you could fix up your style and image which would help you all around as well as boosting your confidence. Walk standing tall (for males) and be a freakin man. I'v had to deal with my AS just as much as anyone but it amazes me when I see older people with it that don't get to know themselves...(this isn't as much targeted at you anymore Shebakoby)

As far as AS women I can't really give you any advise but just try to act female.

Also I don't know if I am the exception but I am atleast a freaking 7! How the hell did you come up with the 2 conclusion (in responce to the other poster)?? I will close with just one piece of advice I got from the "Art of War": "If you know others and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know others but know yourself, you win one and lose one; if you do not know others and do not know yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle."